Terminated?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Last night she called me up to tell me she was terminating our relationship.  She said I am a compulsive liar, a petulant child, out to destroy her and not someone she wanted to have in her life anymore.  She accused me of all kinds of untrue things and refused to listen to anything I had to say.  She told me a couple of times in the conversation that she was terminating our relationship, but that she would check in on me from time to time to see if I was alive.  I told her that if she truly was terminating our relationship not to bother calling because it would be too painful.  Before she hung up she told me I could call her later, but I didn't.  She called me and I didn't answer.  Then she texted me to say she was going to the police and say that I stole her bank card and made charges on it.  I did no such thing and now I have to worry about the police showing up to my door.

I'm depressed about so many other things going wrong in my life right now.  I'm unemployed, broke, my mother died recently, my father is in poor health and close to death, I was in a car accident last week causing massive financial damage, had two botched surgeries (unrelated to the car accident), I have no close friends to confide in (she was my support system) and to top it off my C-PTSD is so bad I'm on disability. 

With her on the warpath against me and her legion of minions telling her how evil I am and that she should get rid of me, I feel so empty, alone, frightened, lost and like I have a gigantic weight on me weighing me down.  I lay on the couch and am so depressed that I can barely move.  I researched on the internet ways to kill myself, but I know that's not the answer and I have no intention of doing it.  I want to figure out a way to get my life together and make things better.  I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow so hopefully that will help.

 

[Traumatized]

Last night she called me up to tell me she was terminating our relationship.  She said I am a compulsive liar, a petulant child, out to destroy her and not someone she wanted to have in her life anymore.  She accused me of all kinds of untrue things and refused to listen to anything I had to say.  She told me a couple of times in the conversation that she was terminating our relationship, but that she would check in on me from time to time to see if I was alive.  I told her that if she truly was terminating our relationship not to bother calling because it would be too painful.  Before she hung up she told me I could call her later, but I didn't.  She called me and I didn't answer.  Then she texted me to say she was going to the police and say that I stole her bank card and made charges on it.  I did no such thing and now I have to worry about the police showing up to my door.

I'm depressed about so many other things going wrong in my life right now.  I'm unemployed, broke, my mother died recently, my father is in poor health and close to death, I was in a car accident last week causing massive financial damage, had two botched surgeries (unrelated to the car accident), I have no close friends to confide in (she was my support system) and to top it off my C-PTSD is so bad I'm on disability. 

With her on the warpath against me and her legion of minions telling her how evil I am and that she should get rid of me, I feel so empty, alone, frightened, lost and like I have a gigantic weight on me weighing me down.  I lay on the couch and am so depressed that I can barely move.  I researched on the internet ways to kill myself, but I know that's not the answer and I have no intention of doing it.  I want to figure out a way to get my life together and make things better.  I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow so hopefully that will help.

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JSF13]

Last night she called me up to tell me she was terminating our relationship.  She said I am a compulsive liar, a petulant child, out to destroy her and not someone she wanted to have in her life anymore.  She accused me of all kinds of untrue things and refused to listen to anything I had to say.  She told me a couple of times in the conversation that she was terminating our relationship, but that she would check in on me from time to time to see if I was alive.  I told her that if she truly was terminating our relationship not to bother calling because it would be too painful.  Before she hung up she told me I could call her later, but I didn't.  She called me and I didn't answer.  Then she texted me to say she was going to the police and say that I stole her bank card and made charges on it.  I did no such thing and now I have to worry about the police showing up to my door.

I'm depressed about so many other things going wrong in my life right now.  I'm unemployed, broke, my mother died recently, my father is in poor health and close to death, I was in a car accident last week causing massive financial damage, had two botched surgeries (unrelated to the car accident), I have no close friends to confide in (she was my support system) and to top it off my C-PTSD is so bad I'm on disability. 

With her on the warpath against me and her legion of minions telling her how evil I am and that she should get rid of me, I feel so empty, alone, frightened, lost and like I have a gigantic weight on me weighing me down.  I lay on the couch and am so depressed that I can barely move.  I researched on the internet ways to kill myself, but I know that's not the answer and I have no intention of doing it.  I want to figure out a way to get my life together and make things better.  I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow so hopefully that will help.

 

This sounds IDENTICAL to my ex. She threatens me as well with untrue things or posting online about things from my past as to "expose" me. She threatened me at points with calling the cops and telling them that I hit her (I've never laid a hand on any female in my life) and would tell me the cops will believe her because I was arrested once 10 years ago and she has a clean record. Keep your head up bud. Suicide is never the answer. I just moved 3k miles away from home and don't really have friends I can confide in. Depression is a massive part of my day every day. Just do your best to take each day as it comes. Also sorry to hear about your accident. Hope you recover soon.

[Traumatized]

JFS13: Thanks for your encouragement and support.  I can tell you understand what I'm going through.  All the best to you!

[JQ]

Hi Traumatized,

You have a lot on you plate right now and feel overwhelmed and lost without a doubt. I'm truly sorry for the loss of your mother & I wish your father good health. You seem to have a streak of incidents that I've not seen in some time. I'm glad to hear that you're ok from the car accident and the financial issues that it has left you with.

It's good to hear that you're seeing your therapist ... .they can help you sort through your feelings, emotions, fears to help you get to the point where you can help pick yourself up and move forward in life.  You're going to find a better place soon ... .things are going to get better, they always get better ... .they really do.

IN regards to your relationship with your BPD ... .what you explain is classic push / pull behavior of a BPD and keeping you just far enough away not to feel engulfed ... .but close enough that you'll come running back when she's feeling abandon by her the boyfriend.

Stay strong both mentally and physically ... .continue with your therapy sessions ... .you're going to get better ... .

JQ

[Traumatized]

JQ,

Thank you for the kind words.  They mean a lot! 

I have been much stronger this time around than in the past.  I ran into a friend of hers yesterday who asked me if I was falling apart over all this.  I said no.  She asked me if I had tried calling.  I said no.  She was shocked and asked me why?  I said she's the one who terminated the relationship and if I call her she's just gonna yell at me and accuse me of things.  I don't need that!  Best to let her calm down until she's ready to pull me back into the mix.  And if that never happens then I'm going to have to figure out a way to move on and find healthier relationships.

[JQ]

Hello T,

Once I accepted the 3 C's of BPD, I didn't Cause it! I can't Control it! I can't CURE it! I opened up those blinds in my dark room & let the light in and it help me move forward.  EVERYONE is different. Everyone mourns the death of a loved one differently and for different lengths of time ... .it's the same thing when mourning the lost of your love for someone with BPD. I can't tell you that you'll get over the death of your mother after 4 or 5 weeks. I can't tell you that you'll get over this intense love with your BPD in 4 or 5 weeks. I REALLY REALLY wish it was the simple. Would it really make a difference for you if I told you that I felt better after only 3-4, maybe 5 weeks? Would that really help you move forward? Probably not because we're all different.

BPD IS A VERY VERY SERIOUS MENTAL / BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS!  They the BPDs never ... .NEVER make sense to us because of their behavior they have is of a 3 yr old toddler. It's a defensive behavior they learned to survive from the trauma or traumas they experienced as a child in most cases. They go to that "happy place" of innocents and fun. Some evidence suggest that the brain neurons never fully developed because of this and they will forever be the 3 yr old toddler when it comes to the behavior portion of who they are. Evidence also suggest that they will be forever like this ... .even with a lifetime of really good mental therapy and possible mood stabilizer meds they "MIGHT" have a SEMI normal life.

I learned from many hours of therapy, self evaluation, reading, learning ... .that your BPD will ALWAYS be the 3 yr old toddler looking for an adult to give them boundaries, to correct them when needed, to pay the bills ... .you are ALWAYS going to be the adult in the relationship. YOU are going to be mentally & physically exhausted from this life long commitment if you choose to be with a BPD. Evidence suggest that a long term relationship / marriage with a BPD will actually shorten the life of the NON from years of constant stress, emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse. Yet some decide to choose this life because they can't imagine living a life without this person. I've seen the physical toll it took on my father who died before he was 50 and now I see the physical toll it's taken on her s/o who she's been with now for 25 plus years. They have aged well beyond their years from constant raging from her & the emotional, physical & mental abuse she inflicts each and every day.

I want you to grab a glass of your favorite adult beverage, turn off the TV & turn on your favorite music ... .relax ... .then ask yourself WHY you fell in love with your BPD. What was it that made you want to give up everything for this person ... .some people gave their health, some gave money, some gave a marriage, some gave of themselves and changed themselves to adapt to this person ... .why?

Did they make you happy? How? Where you excited to come home from work everyday to spend time with them or were you concerned of what you would walk into when you opened the door?  Did you really share the same outlook on life or did you adjust yours to meet theirs?  Did you share the same love for sports, movies, outdoors, museums off work things to do or did you give all of yours up for them? Where they proud to be with you and wanted to share their "happiness" because of you with either of your friends or did you two seem to be isolated? Did you attend family events or visits with each other or were you isolated? Did their family and friends even know about you and that you were a couple?  Did you really admire the inner person of your BPD and how they try to better themselves or was it not even a factor?  Was it just the amazing sexual encounters that you shared given away to abandonment & erotica?  Ask yourself why did you fall in love with your BPD and ask yourself are you ... .have you been happy ... .really happy with the OVERALL relationship? Or are you angry for how they seem to abandon you when all you did was show them unconditional love?  Are you sad that it's over or relieved not to be on the crazy train roller coaster? 

You can miss them ... .that's ok ... .you can always love them and that's ok ... .but if you look deep inside and really be honest with yourself ... .what will the answers be?  No one here will judge you ... .no one here will think lesser of you ... .YOU have to be happy ... .YOU are responsible for your own actions, reactions ... .  but more importantly YOU are responsible for YOUR own happiness ... .you can't depend on someone else to give you that ... .you can't depend on someone else to make you happy.  You can have someone in your life that will enhance your personal happiness ... .that you can share your happiness with ... .but NEVER depend on someone else to give you happiness ... .

I know your hurting, I know that you have physical challenges ... .but I want you to get out of the house! You need to get out in the sun! It does SOO much to help with getting good serotonin levels elevated and that in turn will improve your moods and it's the first step to a better place you want to be. I want you to stay away from junk food because nothing EVER good comes from that including your poo    It's humor ! YOU need to get your humor back. I want you to go for a walk!  IT doesn't need to be a long one or a fast one but get out and move your body. This will help you get other good serotonin levels up and reduce your stress, help you sleep and help you body. Don't tell me you have time or can't do it. I have a spinal cord injury that has left me with a partially paralyzed leg and on my worse day I can do a mile in 25 minutes.  I want you to get some sleep ... .get on a schedule. Take some melatonin to help you sleep ... .DON'T WORRY ITS NOT A DRUG.  A doc in the military told me to take it when our body clocks were screwed up for being up for long days and trying to get it back on schedule. You can find it in the vitamin section in your grocery store. Then i want you to reach out to an old friend you haven't talked to in yours to catch up ... .maybe call a family member you haven't talk to in awhile ... .just to catch up. Do all these things for 30 days & trust me you'll be well on your way to a better self!  You won't miss her as much ... .you will start to feel better about yourself ... .your body will feel better ... .you mind will think through things better ... .and you'll be able to make better choices and decisions on everything from a job, to food to everything. 30 days makes a habit !  Oh and change your user name ... .Terminated is not a positive energy or thoughts.  Try something like Inspired! Thankful!  You got this !  Things are going to get better!

This experience has not only made me stronger, but more educated, and aware of another serious mental behavior ... .but I've had an incredible journey of self discovery ... .I didn't always like what I found ... .but I would like to believe it made me into a better person ... .my wish for you on your own personal self discovery journey is that you make some amazing & eye opening discoveries about yourself and become a better person because of it all ... .

JQ

[Traumatized]

Wow JQ you’ve given me a lot to think about!  I appreciate you sharing with me what you have and for encouraging me to take action steps that will get me on the road to recovery.  I will try to follow your prescription as best I can.  Even if things get patched up between me and her and we’re back together tomorrow, I have a lot of work to do on myself.  Thank you for your insight, suggestions and the time it took you to write your response.

[iluminati]

It sounds like you have enough on your plate as is.  Parental health issues and a bad car accident are plenty of troubles.  I would say that I'm focusing on dealing with that, that she's welcome to be of assistance, and leave it at that.  You don't need the world bearing down on you.  One thing at a time.

[livednlearned]

Hi Traumatized,

I'm so sorry you have all these major life events to deal with, and on top of it your GF dysregulating at a time you really need to lean on someone. I hope your visit with T helped, and that you are feeling steadier.

It's never easy to be on the receiving end of a break-up. It also seems like an opportunity to focus on some of these other major issues, which can be hard to do when we are simultaneously supporting a BPD sufferer. It's a great idea to use this time to build up strength so you can be more emotionally resilient with your GF when/if the two of you are ready.

It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD relationship, and priority number one needs to be your well-being. Reaching out to a T and letting us know how you're doing is a great sign you're taking care of yourself