Anyone's sig. Other ever catch them...

[walbsy7]

 Reading a book about BPD? Catch on forums about BPD? Catch them researching BPD? Find texts about than talking to friends for support about their wife's actions? I do most of my research at night when I'm out of work, And my wife has come pretty close to catching me on the forum's. About five times a week she asks me what I'm doing on my phone and I have to prove it to her, and I know one day I will be on this site and it might not end so well if I cannot open up another page quick enough. What are your experiences?

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[formflier]

  About five times a week she asks me what I'm doing on my phone and I have to prove it to her, and I know one day I will be on this site and it might not end so well if I cannot open up another page quick enough. What are your experiences?

Start thinking of ways that you can say... .and back up by actions... .that you are doing "your stuff" on your phone.


Eventually... .this will turn into a hard boundary (at least it did with me) that phone and email are private... .period... .no proving... .no monitoring.

Dude... .it was nuclear for a while after I did that.  My life is much better now for it.  I've had "my own" email without her monitoring for almost two years now.   

Don't start down the road to make changes about this... until you are ready to "hold" the changes... .if you cave in on a boundary about stuff like that... .it will make things much worse.

FF

[walbsy7]

She never reads my emails but she will snoop my texts someone's or ask what I am doing. I don't have a problem with that, she can be mush worse in which I would establish a solid boundary on.  I am pretty sneaky and think I can hide my reaearch pretty well but I may leave my "stop waking on egg shells" book in my lunch box on accident one day and she packs my lunch. Something stupid like that would kill me, and her

[Lostindirt]

I got busted pretty immediately here and I simply told her a version of the truth "It's an online support group for people who have someone with BPD in their life where we learn how to improve relationships with our loved ones."

Now my girlfriend  has been acutely aware of her mental health issues for YEARS and didn't have the means or support to address them, so it might be a little different. My girlfriend actually stated that she thought she had BPD right around the same time I found this site.  But maybe you could say something similar about exploring ways to improve the relationship and this BPD thing just popped up on your radar.

[Turkish]

I remember having the site open when she walked into the room once. She was oblivious,.also to how while talking to her I selectvily erased the browsing history.

It sounds like your W is more suspicious though. Do you have a failsafe option? Lostindirt's option might be one, though you'd have to redact the BPD verbiage if your W isn't diagnosed.

[unicorn2014]

I haven't had that happen but I do worry if my SO came on this site he'd be able to find me. How much of this site can no members see? I wonder if people's SO have ever created a false account for stalking purposes .

[Turkish]

It can cause problems, but in most cases, it's due to telegraphing (poor boundaries) by members. 75k members, millions of posts. Even if a lot of the stories sound similar (and I had a few bouts of almost paranoia when I first landed here), the odds of being found out are nil. Unless your username is common in your real life (and in this instance, still slim), the odds are low.

The only people who know that I am here are two best friends (one of whom has a dBPD sister),  work friends whom I've known for 20+ years, and my BPD mom, who is computer illiterate, and has no internet access. The first rule of bpdfamily is that you don't talk about bpdfamily, even in passing  

[unicorn2014]

Oh boy. I don't talk about it. Once I posted a BPD family article on boundaries on Facebook and of course my partner had to pick it apart, said he didn't like boundaries. These days he uses boundaries against me.

Today I accidentally posted BPD family into a text message but as my parter knows I have a BPD trait myself and thinks he no longer has BPD traits he probably thought I was reading up on my own trait. There's a part of me that doesn't care anymore. So he doesn't think he has BPD traits anymore. So what. I still experience him as having BPD traits. My second to last therapist and I often talked about his BPD traits. He's had emdr to treat PTSD but no dbt so I don't see how his BPD traits could just vanish into thin air without treatment. He says his therapist said a lot of dbt may be too fluffy for him. Again I don't care. Dbt is the treatment method for BPD. A person can't just get cured with the passage of time. I disagree BPD goes away with time.

[Yaffle]

What haven't I got caught doing?  She regularly goes through my messages  (I still think that some how she has got some sort of spy software on my phone as she has copies of my messages and emails on her phone which she re-reads all too often) so has 'caught' me venting (or making up lies about her to make people feel sorry for me, as she calls it), pretty sure she's been through my kindle and spotted a book on there, seen my emails for another forum etc. etc.  I've got no confidence in having any privacy whatsoever. 


I only use this forum at work as she has been through my browsing history in the past (again all stored on her phone)

[walbsy7]

If I ever got caught, k don't think I would call her BPD or tell her I think she has BPD, but maybe I would ease into it depending on how she is. I would probably just say I am trying to make myself a better person and basically leave it at that.

[formflier]

 

I suggest "learning how to better deal with relationship dynamics and behaviors"

Note that it is accurate... .so you are not lying and can probably say it in an even fashion.

Even more important is that there are no labels.

So... .she asks for an example. 

"Well... for instance... .I'm trying to understand my role in helping us have more respectful conversations... "

Best bet is to take concrete steps to not get caught. 

FF

[AsGoodAsItGets]

My partner told me she was BPD, and asked me not to read about it, said ok.  I read a little and then weeks later out she, asked if I did, of course I said no, we argued,  then the next day after work she had all the screen shots on my computer,  and said I lied,  I just said, I guess I was looking up BPD, I broke your trust.  She quickly was happy again.  She actually wanted me to learn about it.  Funny I never read another thing on it until after asking, telling her to move out.

[enlighten me]

Have you any of you got a friend in a bad relationship? If so then you could always say you were looking up what they were on about.

The sad thing is that it has to come to that though.