Roller Coaster Emotions are Confusing the Kids.

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife is believed to have BPD and the situation seems worsening. It is really emotionally draining to stay together especially with two teenage daughters.

She can get agitated fairly easily and sometimes it took me a lot of effort to protect my daughters from her mom's mood swings and keep them emotionally calm. Her roller coaster and inconsistent emotion, sometimes a very loving person while very mean the other time, has been also causing a lot confusions to the kids, who don't know about her illness.

I really hope that she can seek professional help and I asked her to seek help (I didn't tell her she has BPD though) a few times during her mood swings but she declined and kept saying she was like this. What should I do next?

[warriors]

My wife is believed to have BPD and the situation seems worsening. It is really emotionally draining to stay together especially with two teenage daughters.

She can get agitated fairly easily and sometimes it took me a lot of effort to protect my daughters from her mom's mood swings and keep them emotionally calm. Her roller coaster and inconsistent emotion, sometimes a very loving person while very mean the other time, has been also causing a lot confusions to the kids, who don't know about her illness.

I really hope that she can seek professional help and I asked her to seek help (I didn't tell her she has BPD though) a few times during her mood swings but she declined and kept saying she was like this. What should I do next?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hello warriors,

I'm sorry your facing such a tough situation, but am glad that you've found us.  It is good that you haven't mentioned BPD to your wife.  That usually does not go well.  I am glad you are being thoughtful about the impact on your daughters.

The best advice I can give is to not make any quick changes in how you treat your wife, other than to be as compassionate and calm as you can be.  Then begin learning as much as you can.  Coping tools you learn here can help improve things.  Treatment is also something that we can discuss with you, though that is usually a long term goal.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation?  How long have you been married?  How did you first come to realize your wife had BPD?

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi warriors,

This sounds very difficult! Has your wife ever expressed a desire to seek help or is she completely unable to recognize that there is a problem?

What kinds of things do you do in the face of this to keep strong?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[warriors]

Thanks all for all the replies and suggestions. Please see my responses inline:

> Can you tell us a little more about your situation?  How long have you been married?  How did you first come to realize your wife had BPD?
We have been married for 17 years. I realized that my wife may have BPD after having several counseling sessions with my company's onsite counselor 2 years ago. I went thru all the incidents and my wife's outbursts and mood swings with the counselor and he concluded that my wife very likely has BPD.

> This sounds very difficult! Has your wife ever expressed a desire to seek help or is she completely unable to recognize that there is a problem?

She doesn't want to seek help at all and she just answered she is like this and will never change. Based on what I learn from my readings so far it seems she is one of those high-functioning BPD type. I did mention to her some of the recurring incidents (e.g. outbursts during trips with friends and ended up losing them) to convince her that she may have some issues and she may notice the pattern also but she is not willing to seek help. i had thought of using the ultimatum (divorce) to get her to seek help but I put that thought on hold for now after knowing that finding good therapists is hard and recovering from BPD, esp high functioning, is not easy.

> What kinds of things do you do in the face of this to keep strong?

It is hard. I am busy at work (and my wife doesn't work) but I still try my best to minimize the interactions between my wife and the kids. I think the main thing that keep me strong is my two daughters which I love very much. I would likely have ended the relationship if my kids had never existed. When my wife criticized and snapped at me, I used to argue back with reasons and it usually turned into long arguments. But once I knew that she has BPD, I don't even defend and argue back anymore and may just give in at times. But I sense that my gradual softening of my attitude results in her more aggressive, demeaning and attacking behavior. Her mood swings are becoming more and more frequent. To me, I feel like I am getting further and further away from the end of the tunnel.

[Notwendy]

I think there are two directions to work on here. One- primarily- is the relationship with your wife. You do not have to tell her she has BPD and I agree that if she did hear it, it should not be from you but with a trained therapist. Some people with BPD are not interested in therapy, but you can work on your part to decrease the drama between the two of you. The lessons on this site are helpful and so is personal counseling for you if you can do this.


Then the girls- and there are two relationships here. You and them, and then the girls and your wife. Take a look at the Karpman triangle as when there are three involved- girls, wife, you, there is the potential for the drama triangle. As a parent, I agree it is important to protect your children, but also be aware of the potential drama involved when you do.

Parenting teens takes emotional maturity, and that is not a strong skill for pwBPD even though they may have high functioning skills. Even well behaved teens can drive parents bonkers with the hormonal and emotional mood swings. A parent needs good boundaries and the skill to not be reactive to teen's moods and also some perspective that this isn't personal to them. Chances are, your wife is not good at this. You need to be a stable parent for the girls but also be your wife's partner in this so it isn't a wife vs them situation ( as much as possible).

As a daughter of a mother with BPD, it was confusing to see my mother behave in ways I was taught not to do. She also has not ever considered that she has a disorder and we were not allowed to discuss her behavior and expected to act as if nothing was wrong. By my teen years I just didn't believe this- I met other mothers and other mothers didn't act like this. She blamed the issues between her and my father on me- told me I was the cause. I was a good student and college bound- and surely did some teen antics but none of the ones parents would have concerns about- yet I felt I was a burden to my parents and that they would be happier once I had left for college. I believed they were happy when I was not around. They were not. I just didn't see it but I believed that until a sibling told me otherwise.

Without mental illness as an explanation, I thought my mothers behavior was deliberate, and that she must hate me and I disliked her. She had no control over me- thankfully I was not an out of control teen- so her only way to control me was through my father. The Karpman drama triangle fit the dynamics well.

I mention this because, since your daughters really don't know why their mother behaves like she does, they will come to their own conclusions, conclusions that may be way off and also exacerbate the conflict between them and their mother. You are in a difficult position as you can't really mention mental illness behind your wife's back. I recommend counseling for them too. They really can not speak freely to you about their feelings- that is also triangulation between you and your wife but they can with a counselor.

[Radcliff]

warriors,

Even though your wife is reluctant to pursue treatment at this time, I think you'd find it helpful to read this page, which discusses Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder and includes a 45-minute video that contains an introduction to BPD with several stories of people diagnosed with the disorder, followed by a discussion of how effective treatment can be.

I would also suggest you read this article on how to get a borderline into therapy.  In addition to the article, there is a video at the end.  The video is long, but very much worth watching.  It extensively discusses the phenomenon where the person with a mental illness does not realize they have it, and is extremely reluctant to pursue treatment.  The speaker gives a hopeful message and also has a book outlining his techniques for helping someone with this treatment-resistant outlook get into treatment.

One reason I'm recommending that you read and watch this material now is that my wife was similarly reluctant to recognize she had a problem, or seek treatment.  We have finally managed to get her into treatment, but only after much damage was done.  I wish I had understood more about potential treatment earlier.

WW