How much of elderly husband's extreme drama to keep from an adult child.

[At Bay]

Elderly dbpdh thinks he might get dementia because it runs in men in his family. Our only child, a son, lives in AZ but when he was here in October I told him his dad was showing some decline like leaving pots on the stove that melted, so my son insisted on driving rather than let a 75 yr old drive him and his kids around town. What happened today is off-the-chart insane.

I corrected h this morning, and he took out his gun and threatened to use it on himself. He’s done that before, and I again ignored it. Later today he comes and tells me he took 60 pills this morning, wrote a note to his son and brother, and handed me the note and pill bottle. I went to call an ambulance, so he starts backtracking. Now he isn’t sure how full the bottle was, but “it used to have 60 in it.” He sees me dressing to go to a hospital and reminds me he’s been confused lately. He’s walking around like nothing happened.

Dbpdh has upcoming schedules of two minor and one major surgery this year, so I thought recent hostility and increased belligerence was from that. How long can I avoid not saying or dong something he doesn’t like? How long do I want any part of that?

My mind now drifts to what on God’s earth our poor son and grandchildren would go through today hearing this. My granddaughter was depressed lately over a classmate losing his father like that. We’ve got everything we’re supposed to have to enjoy our last stages of life, and he does this. My therapist told me yrs ago that I could bail and let him do this someplace else to some other lucky woman, but I stayed because I loved a traditional family and home. (I see the humor in that.)

[Pook075]

I corrected h this morning, and he took out his gun and threatened to use it on himself. He’s done that before, and I again ignored it. Later today he comes and tells me he took 60 pills this morning, wrote a note to his son and brother, and handed me the note and pill bottle. I went to call an ambulance, so he starts backtracking.

You're right, some of this may be dementia.  But part of it is also clearly manipulation and you should not stand for it.  There's a magic phrase in the USA, you pick up the phone, dial 9-1-1, and say, "My husband is a threat to himself and others."

After that, you go watch TV or whatever you feel like, because he's going for a ride and learning that it's not okay to threaten those types of things.  If he is suicidal, then you could save his life.  If he's not, then you're removing that level of drama from your household.  Either way, you win.

I remember one time my BPD daughter was admitted on a 10-day hold.  They didn't want to let her go, but insurance wouldn't pay anymore so off she went.  The psychiatrist looked at me and said, "If you get to the car and she threatens to hurt herself or others, then drive off the property, circle the block, and bring her right back to the emergency room...I'll keep her another 10 days."  My kid heard him say this, and no threats were made from that day forward.

Unfortunately, you have to play the game.  It stinks, it's unfair, but it's all you can do to maintain a safe boundary from that kind of thing.

[Turkish]

He threatened to kill himself and pulled out a gun which can also be a danger to you even if he doesn't mean to hurt you. Can you call someone for advice? A therapist, Adult Protective Services, a doctor or the police?

Can you safely remove firearms and ammo from your home and give to someone trusted?

[At Bay]

Thank you for replying. I knew he deserved to have an ambulance on the way, and told him I had no choice, to which he replied; they won't come in. He's a retired cop and a sociopath. His worst fear, realized, would be people knowing how crazy he is after years creating an image of the nicest guy around. I was more afraid he'd go completely nuts with a stand-off against authorities in our front yard, knowing what my statement would be about his actions. Nothing to live for perhaps.

Yes, I recognized the intimidation, and my blood pressure went so high that I had to take a pill and lay down. After he saw me, he occupied himself with taking his blood pressure every half hour and announcing it to an empty room. I busied myself balancing the checkbook . Now he's on his computer in the back of the house "figuring out his life," or emailing his buddies as usual.

About the gun, yes, I recognized what was coming and knew he'd be taking it out of the holster in the kitchen drawer. I've read here many yrs ago to never assume the worst has already happened. It was an automatic with a safety, and he never took safety off, but you're right about I could accidentally be injured. He criticized me for not saying anything or looking shocked.

He quit therapy after 10 yrs because it is hard to find someone who takes Medicare. He might see a doctor for an anti-depressant if he thinks it might help although didn't like Zoloft which puts a damper on romance, but is recommended for older men.

His lodge has a chaplain, but he'd see me as a traitor if I told them and same for other retired cops. Neighbors think he's great, and would freak out/run. No one has any idea, and that's important to him. It's what keeps this from being worse, I think, as this is a risk for cops.

Interesting that he wants back the note he wrote to his son and brother, and also the empty pill bottle. Told him I thought I put in my purse to take to hospital or maybe misplaced getting dressed. Very soon after his drama, he began looking for it. I relaxed when I heard that.

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer, and I'm thinking about every word of it. I'll focus on whom I could speak with. My therapist for 4 yrs stopped practicing 15 year ago. His brother is so dear, but he had a terrible fall 5 years ago and is paralyzed and in a motorized wheelchair. My sister's husband slipped on gravel in his attic after new roof put on, and he is in daily pain and on strong meds from broken hip 3 years ago. We've hung on for so long so far.

[At Bay]

About the firearms, this is an arsenal, and he would think he was doomed from outsiders attacking us, which is odd considering he is in jeopardy from himself; it would appear. Any movement of it would be WWIII.

If he would agree to sell it all, that would be a miracle. I have almost no closet or dresser space from all of it. The only concession he makes is when the granddaughters travel here every couple years, and he locks weapons in a trunk in a locked bedroom closet.

[ForeverDad]

You're right, some of this may be dementia.  But part of it is also clearly manipulation and you should not stand for it.  There's a magic phrase in the USA, you pick up the phone, dial 9-1-1, and say, "My husband is a threat to himself and others."

My guess is that he's saying this to you when there are no other witness around.  If you do call 9-1-1 it is quite likely he will Deny ever saying such things.  Then it's your word against his and then the police walk away.  Can you record his threats?  Or as in this last instance, get the note and pill bottle into other hands?

There's a saying around here that things don't get better over time, it usually worsens, little by little, just slowly enough that you let it slide by.  One quote is, "If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, then it will happen, given enough time."

Maybe it is 'only' manipulation and control, but it's getting scary now.  When adding possible mental decline into the mix, literally anything bad can happen.

I just re-read your post's headline.  Yes, your adult child - we assume responsible - needs to be an informed resource to help you strategize how to address the current issues, and mental decline and the arsenal is at the top of the list.

Perhaps the arsenal can be removed while he's out of the house, perhaps at the doctor's appointments.  You want to reduce the risk of a confrontation.  This is more than anyone would expect a wife to handle alone.

[kells76]

About the gun, yes, I recognized what was coming and knew he'd be taking it out of the holster in the kitchen drawer. I've read here many yrs ago to never assume the worst has already happened. It was an automatic with a safety, and he never took safety off, but you're right about I could accidentally be injured. He criticized me for not saying anything or looking shocked.

As a firearms owner, he "should" (I get it, "should") know and follow the 4 rules of firearms safety: always know where your firearm is, always assume it's loaded, never point it at anything you aren't willing to destroy, and never put your finger on the trigger until and unless you're going to pull it.

I know this is preaching to the choir, but it isn't your job to squint to see if the safety is on or off. The true safety is the firearm user's brain, and his isn't working well. That is dangerous. The fact that the safety was on while he was waving his firearm around and threatening suicide doesn't make the situation OK. Crazy things have happened with a round in the chamber even with the safety on. You won't be able to see from afar if there's a round in the chamber unless you're the one holding it...

(I am also assuming that it's a semi-auto [one trigger pull = 1 round fired], not full auto [one trigger pull = multiple rounds fired] unless he has an FFL or something where he can have full auto stuff? Kind of a moot point -- even bolt action is unsafe if he's being unsafe).

...

All that aside, I get what you're saying that if he has a large collection of firearms, that can make interactions with law enforcement dicey. Nobody wants LEOs barging in the door, seeing him holding a firearm, and escalating.

Ideally he would be away from the house while you find a way to "temporarily" store his collection elsewhere. I am saying "temporarily" because that language may keep conflict/escalation lower, which is what is critical for your safety and his.

I'm guessing your son knows that your H has firearms?

Would your son be willing to "temporarily" store the collection at his place, "while things get worked out"?

I am trying to brainstorm solutions to the specific, #1 priority problem of making sure he doesn't have access to firearms while he isn't thinking straight (which may be for a while). It could be less inciting for the situation to be "well, honey, Son is going to safekeep them while you get surgery, just temporarily" versus "I called in a Red Flag alert so you're done, you aren't safe".

Like everyone else said, this is something to take seriously. Suicidality can have an impulsive component -- if the thoughts get too intense or too repetitive, it can feel like a "push" past normal mental limits on that kind of behavior. He may not "want to" most of the time, he may be "just saying stuff", but if he's holding a firearm and the thoughts suddenly increase... it's serious.

Anyway, I'm hoping that there are some de-escalating ways you can have his firearms be out of the house "just for the time being" (low-escalation verbiage)(but that can be extended for much longer...). Again, while he's having surgery, if you can have Son come over and help, that could be a solution. Maybe it would make sense to H "if you're not around the house for X weeks, I want to make sure nobody steals them when you aren't around". Some proposal that makes him feel like he would be smart not to have the firearms in the house. If you can get a foot in the door that way, then maybe you can delay (indefinitely) returning the firearms after surgery. Just brainstorming.

Thinking about this:

About the firearms, this is an arsenal, and he would think he was doomed from outsiders attacking us, which is odd considering he is in jeopardy from himself; it would appear. Any movement of it would be WWIII.

If he would agree to sell it all, that would be a miracle. I have almost no closet or dresser space from all of it. The only concession he makes is when the granddaughters travel here every couple years, and he locks weapons in a trunk in a locked bedroom closet.

Can the granddaughters come "to help when Grandpa has surgery"?

Is your H financially motivated, or does he enjoy "being the expert" or "being superior"? If he is made aware that "buyers admire his unique and highly desirable collection", again, wondering if that is another foot in the door to liquidating things.

Just to reiterate -- it may get to a point where high-conflict, high-escalation approaches (such as calling police when he's armed and making threats) is the only one available. None of this is to say "don't do that, you won't have to". You might. It's more about -- can we brainstorm and take opportunities now, even if they're uncomfortable, that are lower conflict to resolve this issue ASAP.

Sorry all this is happening   

[At Bay]

I appreciate the seriousness of yesterday pointed out to me. I will find help.

Thank you for reminding me about the weapons and I’ve heard talk about the tragic results from a bullet that was chambered in an automatic. It is a small automatic and I don’t know enough to say semi-automatic or not. It isn’t the behemoth that fires 16 rounds. It never was pointed at me, only held against his windpipe, strangely, but this dangerous scene has to be dealt with, I agree. There are no real threats from felons anymore, and he’s out of any rational excuses after this.

I’m pretty sure there would be a destructive rage if the guns left without him understanding. He enjoys buying and selling them a part of a continuing police image he associates with them I think. Son is 1,000 miles away, and has no guns in his house, but h’s brother has gone to gun shows with him and they talk every weekend. That is a place to start.

I’m keeping and have hidden the good-bye note he wrote to our son and his brother and the empty pill bottle to prove he’s unbalanced. You’re so right that he would vehemently deny everything, and he’s very convincing.

I am glad that I’ve already shared something with our son. Two worlds I’ve always kept separate, and to interject this into son’s happy life now, I’m feeling like I have no control when I thought that I did.

He said last night he needs a therapist who’ll accept Medicare, and I have a list of gerontologists given to me about a problem, that might be an answer for him. It was much easier for his own ill dad to hear things from a doctor.

I’m going to look into something I swore I’d never do— move from this house into senior living where there would be resources that sometimes can transition into assisted living. I’d have help there with him as well. I’d put money on guns not being allowed there. Maybe that is our future.

[At Bay]

Kells, that would be an idea for a granddaughter to be around and remove the guns from the house "temporarily," as he's careful, with a separate key for this one closet, so house keys won't work, but he might go for preventing theft while house is empty.

I forgot to say son does know about h's guns but he'd never even show any interest in seeing any of them, and has watched from birth as his dad put on service revolver to go to work to "chase the bad people away."

It is occupational hazard now for us all I guess. Thank you so much for the support.

[kells76]

Good to get more info from you about his perspectives on owning his firearms:

I’m pretty sure there would be a destructive rage if the guns left without him understanding. He enjoys buying and selling them a part of a continuing police image he associates with them I think. Son is 1,000 miles away, and has no guns in his house, but h’s brother has gone to gun shows with him and they talk every weekend. That is a place to start.

If H's brother (your BIL) has H's ear, and if H feels like "man to man my brother understands me", and if BIL could find a non-shaming way to get buy-in from H : "well, you know, with surgery coming up, I want to do the right thing with my firearms and be a great guy and not leave them unattended, so how about you have them at your house"... that could be a way to go.

Some persons in the firearms community can be touchy about "outsiders" or "gun grabbers" trying to "take all the guns". If BIL is part of the community but also is aware of your H's mental decline (can be framed as "just a bit of aging, everyone goes through it" so it isn't shaming--->defensive--->escalation), he may have the vocabulary to get agreement in a way that someone outside the community couldn't.

Do you feel like you could share some of what's going on with BIL?

It would be great if there were someone out there, whether BIL, or one of your H's former coworkers in a position of authority, that H felt like "understood him" but who could also have the "you need to do the right thing" conversation with him. So even if not BIL, maybe there is a former boss that H still respects who could thread that needle of "OK, we're not confiscating your firearms, we're storing them here temporarily while you have surgery and recover". It could buy some time.

He said last night he needs a therapist who’ll accept Medicare, and I have a list of gerontologists given to me about a problem, that might be an answer for him. It was much easier for his own ill dad to hear things from a doctor.

Doctors these days may ask if there are firearms in the house, so at least that conversation could happen.

Does your H seem to be open to you finding a T for him, or is he taking steps himself?

A therapist might also, if the T knows about your H's background, ask some questions about firearms.

I’m going to look into something I swore I’d never do— move from this house into senior living where there would be resources that sometimes can transition into assisted living. I’d have help there with him as well. I’d put money on guns not being allowed there. Maybe that is our future.

As difficult as it sounds, you could also move on your own, if you had to and if things didn't get safer at home.

Do you think your H sees any benefits to moving to assisted living? What would be the draw for him? Finding that out may help you reach agreement.

...

My grandma was very resistant to assisted living for years even though my grandpa wanted to move ASAP, but this year things got pretty bad. My uncle ended up hiring a "living transition consultant" for them, and my grandma actually loves her and think she's great and The Expert and will let her tell her what to do, when she would never listen to my dad or uncle in the past.

It could be a really helpful idea to get a neutral third party involved -- sometimes spouses and kids are too emotionally close to "hear it" from. If the neutral third party is a guy with a background like your H's, then he may be able to get your H's ear in a way that you or your son can't. If your H thinks "this guy really gets me, he's ex-military (or whatever), he knows firearms, I'll listen to him", that could be a win.

...

This is a lot to balance. There's the acute stuff going on that is serious, like you mentioned. There's also what to do when it isn't an acute crisis. I hope there's some helpful food for thought about how to problem-solve when it isn't an acute crisis (longer term plans to deescalate like getting "a buddy" to get H's agreement to relinquish firearms), versus what you may need to do in an acute crisis (short term plans that may escalate a conflict, like calling 911, that may also be necessary).

Hopefully it's clear that some brainstorming is for non-crisis situations and some is for crisis situations. I wouldn't recommend, for example, if he holds a gun to himself again, saying in that moment "how about you have BIL sell your collection". Just clarifying the two problem-solving tracks going on at the same time.

[At Bay]

I think h would listen to advice from his brother as he’s sympathetic and level-headed. For someone paralyzed he goes everywhere with his wife driving the large van. Last night h said we must never tell anybody about what happened. I think his license to carry might be in jeopardy though he’s never threatened me with harm, other than saying he’ll get so mad I’ll have to call the police. Right. Where his friends would show up. When I suggested we look for a psychologist who takes Medicare, he said he liked the idea and this afternoon he came and asked how we might find one, so he’ll do it.

I’ve even wondered that instead of me at future surgeries, his brother might stand in for me. Although many older divorced couples call a truce when it comes to hospitalizations, etc. If h would find a lonely widow it would be fine by me. There’s one at the lodge that I have in mind. If he misses the retiree breakfast she always texts him. Go ahead; he's cute.

My long ago therapist had her mother in assisted living and did suggest that to me. I can see myself shocking everybody by saying it is what I want. Sometimes one has to not care what others think and I can do that. Now, what if he wants to come along. If he has others to talk to, I’d never see him anyway, so might work if he didn’t argue with me. How embarrassing to get thrown out of assisted living.

He is sick of the upkeep of this house inside and out. And to me It doesn’t feel like a pleasant place to be anymore with his troubles. The other day I felt silly caring for things that used to matter. Nothing is good if one doesn’t feel safe.

I like hearing about a living transition consultant and I’ve been noticing commercials for the A Place for ….. With the goal of getting away from him, I can humor him and not say or do anything he doesn’t like, like a saint. I’ve learned something in 52 yrs, and he reminds me of a neighbor I sat with who had Alzheimer’s. I avoided anything negative. With him, I just listen and don’t talk.

Yep, that’s asking for trouble when he’s acting desperate, so I’ll reconsider any foolhardy notion:  How about disappearing that gun collection?

[townhouse]

At Bay my heart goes out to you and what you are going through. My husband is also 75 and is going through what I am observing as a mental decline as well as enhanced BPD problems but of course in a different way to your husband.

So frightening about the guns and as I have no experience of guns in my life I can add nothing to the advice these good people on this forum have offered you.

I take point and totally commiserate with the situation that the facade your husband puts up with other people is completely the opposite of his true self at home with the person closest to him. Take care and thinking of you.

[At Bay]

townhouse, thank you, and I appreciate your words so much. I hope things get easier around your house. The disconnect when trying to communicate is discouraging, but make things nice for yourself when you can.

H is seeing unintended repercussions now that he fears a physical before scheduled cataract surgery will show drugs in his bloodwork, and he needs to postpone something he needs.

[At Bay]

Forever Dad,
Thank you for your suggestion, and I'm sorry that I failed to mention sooner that I've looked on the selling site for a mini-cassette recorder as I know nothing about the Ap kind and don't even have an I-phone as we both still use flip phones (H once broke his in half after saying it had given him nothing but trouble, meaning I read revealing texts from his girlfriend). Since he invents new versions of our conversations, I've even suggested to him we record ourselves discussing an issue, and he agreed since he thinks I'm the devil causing trouble.

[ForeverDad]

Everything is digital these days.  These days they easily download to computers.

I bought my digital recorders nearly 20 years ago, back then I needed special software to download.  I blame that on the early days and the manufacturer's wish to have proprietary interfaces.  I had three since they easily ran out of storage space and the rechargeable batteries too often ran out of umph.

The best one I found and bought years later, though pricey, was a dictation device that could record off FM band too.

You can even buy pen cams, among all the subtle choices.  Be aware that nanny cams may not record sound due to legal concerns.

[Notwendy]

I will comment as an adult daughter of an elderly BPD mother on the title of this post about how much to protect your adult son?

Personally, I would not want to be the person "vented" to-  I don't want to be part of any triangulation. Marital issues and the relationship drama is between the spouses. However, I would want to have information about my mother's condition.

As far as "protecting me" from the truth about my mother's disorder, maybe some of that was the reason my father didn't speak about it, but I think another reason was protecting BPD mother from discovery of her disorded and allowing her to save face and keep others from knowing the extent of it.

I grew up seeing her behaviors. I may not have known the name for it until later but there were books, and later, the internet and I figured it out. Since I didn't live with them as an adult, I wasn't aware of the issues between them for that time. So it was possible to maintain secrecy, but eventually, as they got older and I became more involved in their care, I realized that whatever I grew up with was still going on, I just didn't see it.

My best guess is that your son is already aware and trying to "spare" him could possibly be disempowering him if he's your only next of kin in your elder years. If your H needs an assessment and mental health, your son needs to know that. Likely he's also probably worried about you being in this situation as well.

I understand not involving the grandkids. I also protect my own kids from my BPD mother's issues but they are well aware of her condition and have their own boundaries with her. They are adults now so how much information to give out is according to their ages.

Your son is an adult. If he is reliable and you trust him, give him the tools he needs to intervene if his father loses his mental capacity. If you haven't consulted an elder law attorney about giving him access and power of attorney to act on your or your H's behalf, consider it. It's possible that the best protection is information about his father's condition and the ability to step in to assist if he's willing to do so and you trust him.

[At Bay]

Forever Dad, For recording, I’ll have to join this century. I used a dictation device working from home transcribing  insurance inspections. Even remembered son’s old jam box with 8 track tapes in the back of a closet. Back to the future. I think h will let one be turned on with only a 50% chance it will wind up on the kitchen floor in pieces. I noticed some subtle choices when I did a search for devices.

And, I believe what you say about emotions and decisions foretelling future actions that must be faced. As soon as possible he’ll see a doctor, to begin with, and hope the gerontologist can recommend a psychologist that h still says he will talk to. He’s lucid, worried about what he did. He had a delirium episode once (I think after learning my cousin’s lawyer had her husband followed), and he was referred to a neurological psychologist.   

Notwendy, you brought up really good steps to move toward son having medical power of attorney to help his dad with treatments and care in the future.  Our son is already on all our financial accounts as power of attorney.  Have no concerns about his boundaries (read pragmatic) or being be very responsible as he worked so hard through college, has three degrees and a great job in cyber security area. A large bank paid for his masters degrees. He wound up in AZ because his first wife is from there and only attended college on a golf scholarship where we live. After 6 yrs here with me taking care of their infant from birth, my back problems were severe when the 2nd child was born and they moved to her hometown where her mom and dad took care of the kids when necessary. I could understand that, but with mixed feelings of course.

So fortunate that growing up and to the present his dad didn’t act out in front of him. We kept our problems separate and concealed from everyone. Your family had reasons, too, you said. I completely agree my son only needs to know about h’s health and not marriage drama. You’ve guessed right that son became aware somehow of h getting help for some of the anger issues early on. Because when son and first fiancé broke up many yrs ago, she returned dishes from Sur La Table and he told me he donated them to an organization for abused women! Just how?


We talked to him last night on his 51st birthday and he wanted to Face Time. I can’t believe h would do something so desperate that would disrupt life for him and his kids. My own grandfather took his life at 86 yrs old. When I visited him in the hospital, he said he didn’t want to be anymore if he stayed ill. It is an adjustment now to deal with h and his fears, but I think I can do it.

It has helped so much to have this forum, thank you.

[Notwendy]

At Bay, it's good that your son is reliable. I would describe my position as "powerless POA" as my mother is still considered legally competent and so continues to make her own decisions (usually not the same as mine). Althought we have attempted to get her to slow down her self destructive over spending, she has drained most of the money and assets my father left for her and we have not been able to prevent that. She has treated her reliable family members with mistrust but she has no reason too. Eventually one of her friends who has legal experience talked her into making her children POA and medical POA.

She has had periods of confusion in her elder years and her medical providers communicate with me. It's been a learning experience. I don't have POA for either IRS or Social Security which has made it difficult to assist in these matters. It would be good if your son had access to what he needs and a medical POA.

It's good that your son didn't see the behaviors. We grew up with them. Regardless, it seems he probably has figured a lot out. It's also interesting that I also donate items to DV shelters, even if they are mostly for women. Men are subjected to DV too.

[At Bay]

Notwendy, I'm sorry to hear your mother is doing that, and I've read your posts about how long this upsetting behavior has been happening. I hope her resolve can weaken at some point for financial reserves to be available. It makes her so vulnerable and dependent as you said, and makes any planning nearly impossible without any help from her, it sounds like.

H's dad had to okay the sale of his home and he liked the special care facility he called his big house, so he said to sell the little house and put the money behind the bank. The facility was established by a wealthy benefactor, and he got in for what money he had. His children used proceeds to paid for his meds. H's brother did the laundry to save money. It was before the brother fell off a retaining wall while pulling a dead branch out of a tree.

A miracle you children got the POAs.

[Notwendy]

Thanks, At Bay,

While the issues may be between you and your H, I question just how much a child can be "protected". BPD affects all relationships and a parent is a significant one. We can't know the "road not taken" but I once I was old enough to understand mental illness, I would have prefered to not have the secrecy.

I think your son would be worried about you in a situation with an unstable person and would wish for you to protect yourself.

[At Bay]

I once told our family doctor that dbpdh and I had ongoing conflict, but we’re always cheerful and smiling when our child comes inside. He said that being always sunny and happy isn’t normal either.

Sometimes our son calls when I’m here alone and I can again talk about changes I’m seeing. Then there are the 5 days his and her kids are with their exes. I agree it would be smart to face choosing to protect myself, and my son would definitely want that to be done first.Not long ago h snapped at a waiter and said/swore: You’ve changed the d. menu. He never used to do anything like that. I said: Excuse me— a couple times, and he apologized to the fellow.

Today H brought up he's reflecting on things the therapists told him. He may be covering his tracks, but when I asked him why he hadn't told me about something (I know) and I could see the anger rising even though I wasn't mad, I asked him to stop the anger, and he knew what I was talking about.

[Pook075]

Hey At Bay!

With the gun issue, we haven't really focused on talking with your son and I apologize for that.

BPD is a mental illness where emotions remain hidden to all but the closest people within a person's life.  For example, my daughter and I have had countless arguments over whether or not her mom is mentally ill, even though our doctor gave the diagnosis.  It's hurt our relationship so I no longer mention it, even though my ex currently lives with her and she's perplexed by her mom's behavior.  She simply cannot accept it as mental illness though.

Talking to your son is a healthy choice, but it should mainly be about you...how you're coping, what you're struggling with, etc.  The words "BPD" don't have to be used because they don't mean anything to someone who isn't familiar with the disease, but you can talk out the mood swings, the anger, etc. without digging into mental health too deeply.  Make sense?

[At Bay]

That does make sense to keep BPD out of conversation, just emotions my son may see himself, and I'm aware of the moral support I felt last year that helped me. I've remembered something inconsiderate H did that son was aware of years ago about taking me to a doctor instead of canceling a meeting he had with the city manager, and H told me when he returned we'd go to a prompt care clinic even though I was having bladder spasms and had to drive myself. My son said his dad should have his "bottom" kicked. I'd told my son that I'd had to drive his old car to the emergency clinic, and he asked: Why?

I'm glad I remembered that, but never breathed. word about the diagnosis of BPD and PTSD from h's own mother. A psychiatrist that was seen for meds only said traits of others, too.

Thanks, Pook075.