Are BPDs happy at all?

[jaird]

I really don't know, and you know what? I really don't care anymore.

My ex self medicated with Xanax to get through the days sometimes, smoked pot for quite a while, drank a bottle of wine every night for quite a long time, and was on anti depressants, the use of which she blamed on me.

Now she says she is happy without me in her life. I wonder if that is true, and even if it is, I'm sure it is temporary.

[wanttoknowmore]

I dont think they are happy most of the time. They have to distract themselves with work or some other activity to avoid feeling the emptyness and void which engulfs them when they are alone.

There is mostly a constant chronic anxiety and fear they live in,worrying if they are sick, poor or what will go wrong with kids and so forth. While in  honeymoon phase they may be intensely happy for some time as it is greatest distraction from their mind in turmoil. Unfortunately, it doesnot last more than a few months. Fear and insecurity with simmering anger are their most common emotions.

[jaird]

"Fear and insecurity with simmering anger are their most common emotions."

Indeed, they are. The anger always seems to be simmering. And the insecurity is always there too. Fears we all have, but I never understood why she had the anger and insecurity.

[patientandclear]

I think the closest my ex gets to happiness is when he is starting something new that has not yet failed to make him happy.  :)oes that make sense?  A new love, a new project, a new city ... .   something that just might fix it all & make it all better.

That's why the only constant in his life is change. He is in love with change because it brings hope.

For a short time I represented that.  I now see that there is always something.

Someone wrote here a while back that for pwBPD, starting & ending relationships are both strategies for managing pain.  Because the status quo is always painful after the initial hope wears off or is dashed that this one new change is going to do the trick.

[asiyah93]

"I really don't know, and you know what? I really don't care anymore."

I've reached that point and it saddens me because it makes me feel extremely selfish and egotistical. I'm not, it's just that this situation has sucked the life out of me that I don't see the point in putting his happiness before mine, especially when I've started to suspect that he will never be happy.

[sad but wiser]

Patient and clear - That was a very good insight.  Maybe that is why he would get excited about a new project, but never finish it.  Everything is halfway done.  He told me he liked having options. (Exit doors)  If you finish something or settle into a career you might get disappointed or make someone else disappointed, so leave before you need to.

[whereisthezen]

If you finish something or settle into a career you might get disappointed or make someone else disappointed, so leave before you need to.

I see this too, very clearly good point!

[jaird]

"I really don't know, and you know what? I really don't care anymore."

I've reached that point and it saddens me because it makes me feel extremely selfish and egotistical. I'm not, it's just that this situation has sucked the life out of me that I don't see the point in putting his happiness before mine, especially when I've started to suspect that he will never be happy.

It is not selfish or egotistical to stop caring and wondering about someone who has mentally abused you and treated you poorly. Indeed, we all must heal, no matter how long it take or how hard it seems. It's necessary for our own health. I feel the longer we play the "what are they doing, who are they with, do they think about us game" the worse it is for us. The truth is, they do not care much, if at all. The lack of any normal sense of sympathy or empathy is a hallmark of the illness, and is very present in my ex. She uses elaborate defense mechanism to achieve this sense of detachment, including twisting and distorting facts, lying, and conveniently "forgetting" and denying half of what she has did to me over the past year or so. All these defense mechanisms enable her to paint me black when she decided I was too far into her head and heart.

It's all about escaping from someone being too close to them. Having someone too close leads to feelings of loss of control, suffocation and death of their person. So the closeness, the soulmate aspect, the once in a lifetime love aspect, that I loved in the relationship, caused her to run.

[Chosen]

As many writings will tell you, BPD is a form of emotional immaturity.  My view is that pwBPDs have never learnt to be happy, or never allowed themselves to feel that way.  If something is going right, they will think "it will go wrong" (then make it a self-fulfilling prophesy), and if something is going wrong it just proves that they are right.

We all go through imperfect lives, but pwBPDs are not happy with imperfection (because of their black/ white thinking.  If something is imperfect, then it is all bad).  This is why they struggle with the idea that "it isn't perfect, but I am happy with it". 

But I tend to think that they do have spurts of happiness, just that they are not contented with it and therefore not happy in the general view of themselves.

[redberry]

Jaird, I see your point.  But I'm sure you have to care on some level if you're with us on the "staying" board, right?  I do agree with you on the insecurity.  Particularly in a group setting.  I'll catch my friend watching me (almost the way an uncertain child watches a parent) when I'm talking to someone else, like he is taking cues from me to see how he should react.  It's very strange.  The pervasive insecurity also comes out verbally at times when he's been drinking.  I wish he'd be real like that when he is sober.

Wanttoknowmore and patientandclear, I agree with your points.  I do think their form of "happiness" is to what level they can distract themselves from their chronic sadness.  In other words, they're not truly happy, they're just temporarily distracted from some of the sadness.  My friend seems to live in this fantasy world when a new relationship starts.  He kind of acts the same way when he starts a new project or comes up with another get rich quick scheme.  Like a kid would a new toy, he kind of obsesses over it and engulfs himself in it--then eventually drops it and the sadness is back.

Asiyah, I understand the feeling.  Are you planning on leaving the relationship?

Chosen, your post makes sense.  It's well hidden, but my friend is very emotionally immature.

[Mightyhammers]

As many writings will tell you, BPD is a form of emotional immaturity.  My view is that pwBPDs have never learnt to be happy, or never allowed themselves to feel that way.  If something is going right, they will think "it will go wrong" (then make it a self-fulfilling prophesy), and if something is going wrong it just proves that they are right.

This is absolutely true – when we were first together and I expressed some of my concerns to a friend of mine, the phrase ‘emotionally immature’ came up a lot. And yeah with them it seems to be a win win situation wheras the partner just cant win

[maria1]

My ex said he had never truly known happiness. He also said I made him blissfully happy but he didn't deserve to feel it, he needed to feel pain.

Nothing to be done with that. I saw him in new relationships grasping for happiness. He even said 'Never underestimate the thrill of the new'. But I saw him quickly shocked when he uncovered the real person behind the new and it all fell to pieces in his hands.

What a sad, sad business.

[jaird]

As many writings will tell you, BPD is a form of emotional immaturity.  My view is that pwBPDs have never learnt to be happy, or never allowed themselves to feel that way.  If something is going right, they will think "it will go wrong" (then make it a self-fulfilling prophesy), and if something is going wrong it just proves that they are right.

This is absolutely true – when we were first together and I expressed some of my concerns to a friend of mine, the phrase ‘emotionally immature’ came up a lot. And yeah with them it seems to be a win win situation wheras the partner just cant win

Sorry redberry, I did not realize I was on the staying board.

Mightyhammers is right. Mine was the most pessimistic person I have ever seen as far as our relationship, and the 22 year marriage she was in prior to being with me. She just could not be happy, or not for long, and she always thought of what could go wrong, as opposed to how to take steps to help things along in the RIGHT direction. She just never got that relationships, especially after the honeymoon phase, sometimes require work. She had this idealized vision that everything should be perfect and fairy tale like.

[Li Po mem]

It's so sad.

[benny2]

Ok so they seek others to find that short term happiness that they long for. I always thought mine did it to avoid ever being alone. He always seems to have someone lined up when things don't go his way. It makes sense though, the excitement, the fun, the thrill of a new relationship is the only thing that blocks out their sadness. I remember thinking to myself just before the last time we broke up, "wow he seems way to happy right now, there must be someone else in the picture again, and sure enough there was, his ex. But why does he keep coming back to me? I don't think I can make him happy anymore. Like they say, the honeymoon phase is gone.

[sad but wiser]

Yes, I hear "happy" in my ex's voice, too, so I think he has someone on the side that I don't know about yet.  That's okay, except I hope I don't have to see her on these boards after a few months... .  

[jaird]

Ok so they seek others to find that short term happiness that they long for. I always thought mine did it to avoid ever being alone. He always seems to have someone lined up when things don't go his way. It makes sense though, the excitement, the fun, the thrill of a new relationship is the only thing that blocks out their sadness. I remember thinking to myself just before the last time we broke up, "wow he seems way to happy right now, there must be someone else in the picture again, and sure enough there was, his ex. But why does he keep coming back to me? I don't think I can make him happy anymore. Like they say, the honeymoon phase is gone.

Could be a few things-You may provide something the new partner doesn't. Could just be fond memories of the good times. Or could just be reaching out to see if you're still available and can be kept on the back burner in case the new GF does not work out.

In any case, if your ex is anything like mine, it would involve using you in some way to make themselves happy. It is never about honesty, love or doing what is right for the partner. It is always about them and their many needs.

[Hurt llama]

I just read you didn't realize you posted this in Staying. I get confused myself what the heck I am doing at times!

But to answer the question, yes my BPD ex? is certainly happy at times... . SHe loves to be busy... .   likes to cook, shop (albeit a bit compulsory) make the house look nice, organize things. I actually admire how she is able to enjoy little things very much and does seem to enjoy life and doing things more than I do.

But yes she has issues with an ever present anxiety and criticism and judgment about how she sees others and how she thinks she's being perceived.

[expos]

As many writings will tell you, BPD is a form of emotional immaturity.  My view is that pwBPDs have never learnt to be happy, or never allowed themselves to feel that way.  If something is going right, they will think "it will go wrong" (then make it a self-fulfilling prophesy), and if something is going wrong it just proves that they are right.

Nailed it.  Exactly.  My ex-wife's motto was "I have no doubt the universe is unfolding exactly how it should."

If that isn't the most negative, lazy way of approaching life I don't know what it is. 

The most positive, effective way of living is toughing it out, never believing in doubt, and NOT letting things fall apart on your watch. 

What I don't get is why people like us choose to stay with someone who just expects to fail.  F*&K that ___.  I'm never dating someone like that again!

[BP39]

In my own opinion and experience with a pwBPDx .they can claim "happy as they ever been"I heard this after my ex 's mother died. Was away from her 2 elementary age kids and old "evill" me who stood by her side for 15 long years.as she dumped us and was off with her new man that makes her so so happy.fast foward a year later shes sitting around with a broken bone in her spine.seen her kids once in a calender year behind 4500 in child support and almost having her new car she bought last year about to be repossed ... . crying to me on the phone of how shes miserable and wants to jump off a bridge because she is streesed and sick of everythng... .   wow and for once im not to blame ... .   go figure. .just feel sorry for her at times. .love her but these arent my mistakes anymore

[BorderlineMagnet]

My last pwBPD ex was definitely happy a lot. Matter of fact she was happiest when we were together. She would always say she loved being around me and always had fun. I was different than her usual white trash, shallow losers that were in her pattern of poor choices. But she went out and found a guy after a perceived slight, and yep, he's the usual type of pile that she's used to. I think she was so frightened I'd abandon her and her kids someday because I wasn't used to a r/s with kids that she sabotaged us by finding this guy. She did the intense thing with him, so by my calculations he has about a month left. Me and her took our time and built up a bond. I imagine that's why even though I told her new guy that she was still leaving me hanging on, she didn't rage at me at all. She was mad and flustered, but not cruel or mean in the least. I think that means I will hear from her again. It's been almost 3 weeks and I've maintained NC per her wishes. I miss her dearly and understand why she did what she did, but I know it would make things worse to try and talk to her. She is a high-functioning BPD, so I do believe she was really happy when we spent time together.

[Hurt llama]

My last pwBPD ex was definitely happy a lot. Matter of fact she was happiest when we were together. She would always say she loved being around me and always had fun. I was different than her usual white trash, shallow losers that were in her pattern of poor choices. But she went out and found a guy after a perceived slight, and yep, he's the usual type of pile that she's used to. I think she was so frightened I'd abandon her and her kids someday because I wasn't used to a r/s with kids that she sabotaged us by finding this guy. She did the intense thing with him, so by my calculations he has about a month left. Me and her took our time and built up a bond. I imagine that's why even though I told her new guy that she was still leaving me hanging on, she didn't rage at me at all. She was mad and flustered, but not cruel or mean in the least. I think that means I will hear from her again. It's been almost 3 weeks and I've maintained NC per her wishes. I miss her dearly and understand why she did what she did, but I know it would make things worse to try and talk to her. She is a high-functioning BPD, so I do believe she was really happy when we spent time together.

interesting post... . thanks for sharing it... .   good for you to be able to be NC for three weeks. Impressed how you are able to be pretty darn cool under what can be just the worst feeling in the word... . I know I couldn't handle it that way at all... . It's scary as hell to imagine my soon to be not ex (gulp) and her doing anything similar to what yours did to you... . it's my biggest fear and talk about one day at a time... .   that's the plan.

I'm trying again but I don't have it in me (I hope) to go through her going to anyone else... .   I will leave special instructions with the Moderators here if that happens to give me the blue pill if it happens!

[BorderlineMagnet]

Hurt llama,

Thanks, but I'm definitely not keeping my cool. I'm on Wellbutrin, but with my strict diet and hardcore workout routine I resumed (pretty much to make her jealous) I metabolize the Wellbutrin out pretty quick. I go from being anxious, to depressed, to longing. I can't stop checking her FB page, even though were not FB friends (number one red flag when I joined and she wouldn't accept my request). I look at her D-bag guys page and am certain he's just in it to have sex with her, and not be good to her kids like she's claiming he is (after a month and a half he's amazing with your kids? Yeah right). These boards have helped me continue to validate though that her choice is a product of her disorder, and not me. I keep ping-ponging back and forth between hope and despair that she will reach out to me. I hope she does. She has told me one of the reasons she loved me was that I was so different than all the guys she's dated. Stable, caring, and sweet. That makes me think that after loser has run his course, I will be the first phone call, text, or email. What do you think?

[Hurt llama]

Hurt llama,

Thanks, but I'm definitely not keeping my cool. I'm on Wellbutrin, but with my strict diet and hardcore workout routine I resumed (pretty much to make her jealous) I metabolize the Wellbutrin out pretty quick. I go from being anxious, to depressed, to longing. I can't stop checking her FB page, even though were not FB friends (number one red flag when I joined and she wouldn't accept my request). I look at her D-bag guys page and am certain he's just in it to have sex with her, and not be good to her kids like she's claiming he is (after a month and a half he's amazing with your kids? Yeah right). These boards have helped me continue to validate though that her choice is a product of her disorder, and not me. I keep ping-ponging back and forth between hope and despair that she will reach out to me. I hope she does. She has told me one of the reasons she loved me was that I was so different than all the guys she's dated. Stable, caring, and sweet. That makes me think that after loser has run his course, I will be the first phone call, text, or email. What do you think?

Ugh... .   I hear you and I get it... .   unfortunately... .

Assuming you are right, and you probably are, would you give her another chance and well... .   why?

Not judging (to say the least)

Doesn't Wellbutrin possibly make you anxious? I took it for 5 weeks 2x a day and at first i felt anxiety then didn't do a thing and I stopped taking it.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Hurt,

I would give her a chance because I know what she did is a defense mechanism of her disorder. I'm really hurt of course, but I have a big enough heart to forgive her because she really does mean a lot to me. After getting out of a 5 year r/s with a very low-functioning pwBPD, she actually picked me up and made me feel a lot better. She would listen without judging, and was there with a smile and a hug. Funny, a BPD helping a non heal from another BPD. Plus I feel so bad for her and her kids. She keeps making these poor choices in men, and I fear that she will get abused again, or her kids will end up irreparably damaged. I can at least guarantee I will not hurt her or her children, and I've been through enough pain to be able to endure My grandfather was the most caring, compassionate human being I have ever known, and I believe his influence in my life has prepared me to be able to love a pwBPD. It's not my fate, it's my choice. As for Wellbutrin, I'm starting my 3rd week of 2x a day tomorrow. It's supposed to stop obsessive thoughts, but I ruminate like crazy still. And yeah, it does make me a bit anxious and testy. Hehe, think I found away to see if my current ex is checking out my FB page. Found a pic of of me, the other ex, and her niece in the other ex's mom's pix and shared it to my page. My other ex is a very pretty girl, more so than the one I currently want back. Curious to see if she makes contact now since she knows me and her are still friends ( I keep very strict boundaries with her though, as she constantly breaks them trying to get me back. But she's away in rehab now thank god).

[ScotisGone74]

Who cares who they call, text, email after Mr. X has run its course?  :)o you honestly want to stand there and wait to be 2nd?  You can't hang onto anything they said or did during their fantasy with you honestly.  If you workout-do it for yourself, not anybody else, no amount of working out is really going to attract crazy.  

My exBPD seemed very happy with me in the beginning of course, I could do No wrong, no matter what I did or said it seemed like.  The longer the relationship lasted the more flaws I apparently had, until I had to been manipulated into believing I was just a bad person.  They live in a world of fantasy, they can only be happy in a new relationship for soo long of a period-until reality sets in that we aren't really Jesus or savior of the world, then they have to go looking for the next one that is.  

[Billa]

I remember thinking to myself just before the last time we broke up, "wow he seems way to happy right now, there must be someone else in the picture again, and sure enough there was, his ex. But why does he keep coming back to me? I don't think I can make him happy anymore. Like they say, the honeymoon phase is gone.

Benny, that's exactly what has happened to me, his ex... .   It seems to be a common experience, even if I would have said the opposite

[mango_flower]

I think the closest my ex gets to happiness is when he is starting something new that has not yet failed to make him happy.  :)oes that make sense?  A new love, a new project, a new city ... .   something that just might fix it all & make it all better.

That's why the only constant in his life is change. He is in love with change because it brings hope.

For a short time I represented that.  I now see that there is always something.

Someone wrote here a while back that for pwBPD, starting & ending relationships are both strategies for managing pain.  Because the status quo is always painful after the initial hope wears off or is dashed that this one new change is going to do the trick.

This is one of the most insightful posts I have read here thus far   Thank you!

I instinctively "know" that is 100% right for my ex, and you've worded it so beautifully!  Everything I read here that makes sense puts another piece of the jigsaw puzzle together... .   I'll never solve it all, as there are pieces missing, but I feel like I have a bigger picture, and for me that helps.

Jaird - I agree - my ex will never be happy in the sense of inner peace.  I thought I made her happy when I was with her, we were living in a little happy bubble of perfection for 10 months - but now looking back, I see that whenever she wasn't with me, her world was probably full of chaos and confusion. I was a distraction, something to focus on.  That's why she always had to have something planned, she could never just "be".  I feel that whoever she is with will never be enough.  (unless they are one of those amazing superwoman types, who is always on the go, and I believe her new gf is this, unfortunately for me!)

Whatever I did would never have been enough to make her truly happy.  As she needs to be happy from within.  I am so very sad that I fear she will never be complete as a person... .   it actually has made me realise the darkness of this illness, and I wish I had never found out it existed, as it unnerves me terribly.

[clairedair]

I do agree with you on the insecurity.  Particularly in a group setting.  I'll catch my friend watching me (almost the way an uncertain child watches a parent) when I'm talking to someone else, like he is taking cues from me to see how he should react.  It's very strange. 

I notice this - he looks at me and doesn't really engage properly until he is reassured that I am not really angry/sad etc and then he relaxes.  Sometimes, I see him watching me.  I find myself doing this now though as he left before Christmas and is marrying someone else in a few weeks.  I find myself looking at him wondering who he really is.

Jaird, I see your point.  But I'm sure you have to care on some level if you're with us on the "staying" board,  I do think their form of "happiness" is to what level they can distract themselves from their chronic sadness.  In other words, they're not truly happy, they're just temporarily distracted from some of the sadness.  My friend seems to live in this fantasy world when a new relationship starts.  He kind of acts the same way when he starts a new project or comes up with another get rich quick scheme.  Like a kid would a new toy, he kind of obsesses over it and engulfs himself in it--then eventually drops it and the sadness is back.

My exH used to assure me that his other relationship (he had a gf when we separated) was a distraction from dealing with the issues in our marriage - she was a 'band aid'.  He would be happy with me again for a while and then withdraw.  Now he's being over the top happy with his new fiancee at a time when his dad is seriously ill.  I suspect that she is a distraction from ending things with me finally and also his father's illness.  I think he is happy just now but it doesn't ever seem to be something he can hold on to and sustain.  I know no-one is happy all the time but it's really sad to see him think he's found happiness and then watch it fall apart.  Because we have children together, it still affects me, I can't completely detach.

One of my children once asked when they were relatively young "is Dad ever really happy?" - broke my heart.  Now they feel they need to go to the wedding and see him marry someone they don't really know because "that'll make Dad happy".   

He has seen a T for some time (which was one reason why I recycled - things had been better in small increments) and if he'd started this relationship some time after leaving me and not got engaged so quickly, I'd have been hopeful that he had finally found some real happiness.  I think it is possible for him, but he needs to take more time being happy with himself instead of using others (myself included) to distract him.

[mitchell16]

I think some degree my exBPD would be happy but it was very short lived. She would be happy in crowds but it was only if she was the center of attention. IN a crowd she is always attempting to steal the show so she can be center of attention. All her freinds treat her like she is a baby or child, They call her by baby names. praise her for anything she does well, any small thing they have a party for her. When she is alone she is misrable and that is when I can expect a recycle attempt. At work she is happy because she places herself in th emiddle everyones personal problem, stays up the bosses rear and is alway in the middle of some preceived drama. Which I think gives her some sort of natural high. So thats when she is the happiest. Once when she was doing her push away cycle with me, it was becasue her best friend was hanging out with another lady and she could stand. She was spending all her free time with me. So her freind went out and found a new best friend and made a point to call and tell her all the things she was doing with the New best friend. My EXBPDGF began to act sad, with in week was picking fights and then break up. She slid right back in with the best friend who dropped the other lady like a bad habit. My ex and her were once more hanging out day and night and then I was recycled. It took a me long time see all this. So that when they are the happest.