My biggest fear :)

[allibaba]

For years and years and years my husband would threaten my dogs when he became dyregulated he would threaten my dogs because he knew that that was the one thing that would really get me going - threaten to give them away, threaten to allow them to run away, threaten to not let me feed them, threaten to hurt them, threaten to make them stay outside in the freezing cold.  Once he tied one of them to a tree on our property and told me that he had taken her to the pound.  Yes, I realize that all of this is considered domestic abuse and I have safety procedures in place to ensure my safety and the safety of my son.

We seemed to have moved past that for the most part.  We have 4 dogs total.  The biggest is 165 lb and he is very high maintenance.  He is emotional and very tied to my husband.  The next dog is my rescue and she is easy and she and I are very close.

We leave the high maintenance dog on a screened in porch during the day.  Well unfortunately today there were bad thunder storms and the big boy freaked out and chewed on the door. 

My husband called me while I was in a meeting at work.  I silenced it.  He called again.  I excused myself because it must be an emergency. 

He was screaming at me.  Told me that he almost killed our dog because me (a stupid ********* ****** put him outside during a thunder storm and told me not to come home.  I hung up the phone and calmly went back to the meeting.  He called two more times and I silenced it and turned off the phone (sheesh I was sitting with the executives and owners of my company and I was supposed to be running the meeting).

For avoidance of doubt, he did not almost kill our dog.  He seems to have a flair for the dramatic to get a rise out of me. 

He then sent me the following message

"[Dog 1 and Dog 2] are out... . AS we are unable to manage our responsibilities we will go back to the original two... . maybe if you ever grow up we can get another... . if things still do not work then [Dog 3 - also my dog] will go... . etc... . etc."

So his dog is high maintenance and frankly if he had been inside, he probably would have eaten the couch... . so damage done... . no big deal.  I do 100% of the care for the dogs - walks, runs, feeding, vet appt, brushing.

My line is if the dogs go - I GO.  Period.  End of story.

Oh and we finally have a great fence going up in the next few weeks to allow them to spend more time outside safely. 

So what do I do folks.  Do I go home?  Do I respond?  I'm kind of at a loss.  The thing that crippled me for so long has happened.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

I would like to send him a message to basically say that the dogs aren't going anywhere.  I'm sure that that would go over like a ton of lead bricks.

I am calm but I have to say that I spent from Thursday to last night sick from the stress of the last episode.

I don't believe that my dogs are in any real danger.  If I did I would call the police and officially check out of this marriage because that would be the straw that broke this camel's back.

[Grey Kitty]

The biggest is 165 lb and he is very high maintenance.  He is emotional and very tied to my husband. 

Poor dog, looking for an emotional lead from your H   No wonder he is high maintenance!

So what do I do folks.  Do I go home?  Do I respond?  I'm kind of at a loss. 

When you say your boundary is if the dogs go, you go, you sound 100% certain. Is that right?

Also, does your H know this?

The thing that crippled me for so long has happened.

No, it hasn't happened. He's just threatened again.

Take a deep breath. Several of them.

Can you let go of some of the anger/fear, and think about what he's going through that you might be able to validate (assuming he has wound down from screaming by the time you talk to him).

FYI, you don't have to tell him the dogs aren't going anywhere. He already knows that. Just like he knows that he can use them to get your goat.

 GK

[allibaba]

Hi Grey Kitty,

Yup - The dog gets his emotional strength from my husband (he needs to learn not to be enmeshed).  LOL

Yes, it is correct.  I have been bullied about the dogs to the point that I will not tolerate being told that they go. I have told my husband that they are family to me.  Frankly they are to him as well.

Ha ha.  You are correct.  Its just a threat.  I will work on letting go of the anger/ fear before I get home.  :)og damage is a trigger for him and its mid week and he's already tender mid-week.  He also takes a shot for his rheumatoid on tuesday as well as some other strong meds... . so he's probably stressed already.  

Thanks for the support Grey Kitty.  Rebalancing here.  I have an hr drive to get calm.  FYI I did not respond to his message.

[allibaba]

I have calmed down and am now very much looking forward to the arrival of my uBPD mom on sunday.  Several yrs of painful boundary work have resulted in her being quite the support.

Husband still claims that I need to find the dogs homes or he will.  Nope.  He can say it but this is a serious boundary.  I have 4

Drug use

Affairs

Violent behavior toward our toddler

Getting rid of any of our dogs

Those are my deal breaker boundaries

I told him quietly that I will not be finding them homes... . to which he said then he will leave.  If I had a dollar for every time he threatened to leave me... . I could at least buy dinner in a fancy restaurant.

[patientandclear]

Allibaba -- I'm sorry.  I had a threaten-to-abandon-the-dog dynamic with my not-BPD-but-still-very-messed-up exH, too.

When you answered Grey Kitty, you said both that threatening to give up the dogs (or otherwise threatening the dogs) is not acceptable to you; and then you said actually abandoning/harming is the line, and threats are just that -- seemingly, on the side of the line that you will tolerate.

I'm trying to understand which it is -- are you willing to live with him threatening, as long as he doesn't take the action?

I think that would be clarifying.

[waverider]

The thing about boundaries is they are clear cut. If he crosses them you enact them. If he stands in front of the boundary beating his chest and making threats, you dont respond. He is testing the boundaries and trying to make the edges a bit blurry.

The good thing about clear boundaries is it gives you a clear area where you dont have to wonder what should I do?

[allibaba]

When you answered Grey Kitty, you said both that threatening to give up the dogs (or otherwise threatening the dogs) is not acceptable to you; and then you said actually abandoning/harming is the line, and threats are just that -- seemingly, on the side of the line that you will tolerate.

Yes I realized that I stated sitting on 2 different sides of this boundary.  The reality as of today is that I will tolerate the threats (just constantly responding NO) but not any action towards getting rid of the dogs or hurting them.  I wonder though after a month of dyregulation after dyregulation... . I wonder if its time to move the boundary?

He started in again this morning.  Berating me.  Said that the big dog needs to be chained in the woods today (uh NO!).  I walked away, walked away, walked away and he followed.  When I went outside he told me that I should be doing housework not garden work and that he was going to rip every plant out of the ground.  He told me that I clearly have a mental disability and it is clear that I cannot handle everything that I have taken on (dogs, house, job, him) and then he started in on how he cannot believe that my piece of s*** mother is on her way at the end of the week.  He started in on my brother and his family (they took on way too much - 6 kids, full time jobs, and their kids have suffered).  I don't have a mental disability (though I am forgetful).  I graduated at the top of my class, with honors, from one of the top schools in the US.  I graduated in 3 yrs with double majors and a minor.  These words couldn't be farther from the truth.  With the job that I cannot handle, I do well and I financially support our family. 

He threw a basket of clean laundry all over the living room and told me that since I am not meeting since needs that I have been warned that he is going to go find a girlfriend. 

He said that I have 1 week to find the dogs new homes and then they will be gone.

Today I really can't remember why I put up with this.  He's a good father but that is mitigated by his complete lack of consistency with our son.  He contributes well to the house (again the half of the week that he isn't insane).  The minimum wage job is getting under his skin at the moment.

He said that all he wants is to live an exciting life and feel connected to me.  Man am I trying to connect but when he's constantly rocking the boat - its hard.  He's an adrenaline junkie but he's got diabetes and rheumatoid.  He can't live the lifestyle he wants to live... . his body can't take it and I can't manage the house in a manner consistent with his required organization if I am out socializing all the time.  He wants to be able to spend money but I really just don't have it (unless I wanted to drain our savings completely).

What have I done wrong?  Do I need to firm up my boundaries?  He has needs that aren't being met (he really doesn't feel connected with me)... . what else do I do?  What is it time to throw in the towel?

[waverider]

To be honest leave the boundary about the dogs as it is, keep it simple.

Its not time to move the boundary, it is time for a new boundary about abusive and insulting behavior. Dont make it topic specific or he will work around it. Threats, abuse and personal insults period. Think of how you can effectively define and action this potential boundary

[allibaba]

So I went back to the topic where I started enforcing boundaries around verbal abuse and looked at what I started with:

Husband - I am not comfortable with the way that certain conversations that we have go.  If you call me a "stupid f idiot" or any other crass variation then unfortunately I will have to leave the conversation.  I know that I adore you and I believe that these types of conversations are not good for either of us.  If I am in the middle of preparing a meal for you then meal prep will just stop and you will have to find an alternative.

So basically my boundary was too limited.  We used to have the majority of our exchanges like this while we were either eating or I was preparing food... . he realized that was a bad idea and has expanded his territory.

it is time for a new boundary about abusive and insulting behavior. Dont make it topic specific or he will work around it. Threats, abuse and personal insults period. Think of how you can effectively define and action this potential boundary

Boundary:  I am not comfortable with threats, abuse, personal insults.

I went to the lesson

Boundaries Tools of Respect

I have amended it to suit:

If you start threatening me, becoming abusive, or insulting me personally while we are discussing issues at home or with our relationship, I’ll let you know that I am no longer comfortable with the tone of the conversation. If you continue, I’ll excuse myself and will not wish to speak with you for two days, to take care of myself.

Boundary is that if he continues with a tone that I have stated in unacceptable then I'll cut off contact for 2 days.  Is there a better action?  Physically removing myself from the situation is not working.

I think that I also need to be prepared for the possibility that I am the wrong person for my husband.  He is very organized.  Lack of organization actually manifests in physical anxiety for him (I believe that is why the therapist said that he is OCD).  He likes living in the fast lane.  I would be quite happy with a handful of friends and a few hobbies and my dogs.

[waverider]

Sounds good, if you think NC is feasible then it provides that non negotiable break around the boundary.

I find boundaries a lot easier to implement when it is clear cut, as in not just the next step in a rising argument. I tend to let things wash without issue until the boundary is hit. That way the "line in the sand" is obvious and there is no delusion about what it is about. Acting the boundary then is more from a controlled position rather than a position of retreating.

It is also good to keep in mind that sometimes people are incompatable. Clashes are not always due to a disorder, sometimes its just simple personality clashes. Not everything can be blamed on BPD

[Rockylove]

I don't have a mental disability (though I am forgetful).  I graduated at the top of my class, with honors, from one of the top schools in the US.  I graduated in 3 yrs with double majors and a minor.  These words couldn't be farther from the truth.  With the job that I cannot handle, I do well and I financially support our family. 

 You're intelligent, accomplished and competent.  These are things that he most likely finds very attractive in you and rightfully so!  Not many people can say that about themselves.

The minimum wage job is getting under his skin at the moment.

He has the minimum wage job?  If so, I believe this is the male ego feeling very sorry for himself.  Think about what you said you've accomplished and then think of how it would make you feel if you were in a world where the man is supposed to be the head of the household.  For thousands of years, men were expected to provide for the family.  I know that doesn't excuse the verbal attack on you, but it could explain why he's feeling the need to knock you off your pedestal.  

What have I done wrong?  Do I need to firm up my boundaries?  He has needs that aren't being met (he really doesn't feel connected with me)... . what else do I do?  What is it time to throw in the towel?

I can only suggest things that have worked for me.  When my H starts in on me about not being able to take care of myself and never had to because I always had a husband, etc. (which is not entirely true) I know it's him stressing over not having a job and feeling inadequate.  It's difficult to validate when there's just so much garbage being tossed, but validating what parts of his spewing that I can helps calm him enough to stop the rage.  Then later on have a conversation about the feelings that he's having.  

I'd say that firming your boundaries is a great start.  Ask him questions and genuinely listen to the answers.  Find out what he feels would make you two more connected.  He may make unreasonable requests or he may just surprise you!  

[allibaba]

I don't have a mental disability (though I am forgetful).  I graduated at the top of my class, with honors, from one of the top schools in the US.  I graduated in 3 yrs with double majors and a minor.  These words couldn't be farther from the truth.  With the job that I cannot handle, I do well and I financially support our family. 

 You're intelligent, accomplished and competent.  These are things that he most likely finds very attractive in you and rightfully so!  Not many people can say that about themselves.

The irony is that my friends say that he brags and brags and brags about how proud he is of my accomplishments.  I think that his current black hole relates to feeling so incredibly insecure about his career.  You are correct.  The job market in our city is bad at the moment.  To add insult to injury, we are from a different country and its hard to get established in this market.  Frankly I got lucky finding the job that I did and I protect it like CRAZY (boundaries around him interfering with my work).

I have been very "WHATEVER" about his work.  I have been super supportive of the minimum wage job... . he's doing landscaping on a golf course.  While the pay isn't great... . its actually a very intense job that suits his OCD perfectly.  He keeps saying that he needs to find something better after the season is over.  Perhaps I need to participate and support better in this area.

Sounds good, if you think NC is feasible then it provides that non negotiable break around the boundary.

I find boundaries a lot easier to implement when it is clear cut, as in not just the next step in a rising argument. I tend to let things wash without issue until the boundary is hit. That way the "line in the sand" is obvious and there is no delusion about what it is about. Acting the boundary then is more from a controlled position rather than a position of retreating.

It is also good to keep in mind that sometimes people are incompatable. Clashes are not always due to a disorder, sometimes its just simple personality clashes. Not everything can be blamed on BPD

I'm not sure NC is feasible.  We live together, we have a son together, we have to make decisions together.  I have been using GOING OUTSIDE as my action... . this morning he followed me.  I have a young son, I really can't leave the property.  I have tried locked doors but he breaks the door down (or at least he has in the past).  Any other ideas?

I don't have any issue with leaving things until the boundary gets hit.  That's what I usually do.

As for compatibility, he keeps attacking WHO I AM.  The irony is that I'm actually pretty organized these days but with his OCD its never enough.  I also do not want to be his DISNEY CRUISE DIRECTOR... . if he wants to go out and socialize all the time I am totally happy to do it but when I plan things he constantly bails and I look silly to our friends.  Its not my responsibility to plan his social life for him.

[waverider]

What I have seen of OCD and OCD type behaviors they can often only cope with the basic repetitive jobs, anything more complex overwhelms them and creates too much pressure, often creating dictator type behavior. After all better paid jobs are that way because of ability to handle pressure.

As a perfectly normal self confident male I had trouble with my previous marriage when I was the lower paid looking after the kids. Not my self confidence but rather the unspoken attitude from everyone else. If I was insecure by nature it would have been devastating.

I too always found disengaging without physically leaving a negative experience. Silent treatment certainly does not work. So is there anyway you can effectively disengage? Go visit someone? Care needs to be taken not to inadvertently drag your son into the equation. I had this issue too. It really does leave you feeling trapped, which in turn breeds resentment

[briefcase]

Remember that your boundaries are about protecting you - not punishing him.  Is 2 days no contact with him (even if feasible) really about protecting yourself, or is it about teaching him something?

Boundary "enforcement" is really about allowing him to feel the natural consequences of his behaviors.  People who go into a rage over minor things and kick down doors generally find themselves home alone for at least some period of time.  So, you might need to leave with your child for a while the next time he rages.  It's tougher with children involved, but you still need to have real boundaries.

It's also helpful if you take a time out by telling him that you need to take some time away until things calm down and that you and your child will be back in some specific amount of time (1 hour, 3 hours, etc.).  Then come home at the time you said and see if things are more calm.  

[allibaba]

Thanks Briefcase.  I do understand that this isn't about punishing him.  I was trying to identify a way to protect myself because things do get a bit hairy at my house and 3 hrs often isn't enough time for things to calm down.  I got the two days from the boundary link that I posted before.

Unfortunately things got out of control at my house tonight and I am writing this post from my little room at a domestic violence shelter.   :'(

He came home again in a rage saying that I had stolen his tax return.  Now he owed money this year and I support him so that's crap.  I didn't want him to feel bad so I didn't mention that he owed taxes... . I filed and paid them (my bad).  Then he started in that I had to fire the housekeeper on the spot.  I refused as I have been pulling the majority of the weight in our house and I don't want to anymore.  I make the money and it should be ok for me to have someone come in twice a month.  My husband didn't see it this way.  He started to berate me and I walked away.  I had my son in my arms.  He said "don't you f walk away from me while I am talking to you or I will [insert very specific physical harm threat].  As soon as he said that -- I knew that I had to keep walking.  He yelled that he had my keys, my wallet and my cell phone and that he was taking my car to his girlfriend's house (he doesn't have a girlfriend).  He disconnected the battery to his truck and told me that if I tried to drive it that it would blow up.  He left in a rage with all my stuff.  He came back 15 min later and since the housekeeper was still there he went out back.  I paid her and realized that I had a spare car key hidden (he had locked my car with my wallet in it).  I jumped in the car and left with him throwing things at the car.  I cannot imagine what damage has been done to my stuff and I am soo worried about the dogs. 

He sent me a message saying that I had 30 min to return or he would report me to the police for kidnapping.  How dare I take his son.  I got the message probably 90 min later and he said that my dogs are gone - oh well - and that he has called the police and now I am f.  I responded once I got it that "we are safe.  That I wasn't comfortable at home and that you will see your son very soon."  Once i get settled in here, I sent a message that said that I love him very much and I will spend the night out but that his son would be at daycare tomorrow and I will be at work if he needed either of us.

I am so so so tired.  Thanks for the support.  It was because of you guys that I didn't hesitate in getting out of there.  I read a posting this morning about false allegations of abuse for men and that the only way that domestic violence situations escalate is if you are present to allow them to escalate.  This was sensible advise and it was providence that I happened to read it this morning.

[waverider]

 

Sorry to hear this. Some time out now is in order. Escalations like this tend to keep rising unless he seriously accepts how out of order he was. It should not be simply swept under the carpet once he calms down. Next time you may not have spare keys and it could get physical.

It is a good example of why there needs to be an an emergency escape plan. To have been trapped there would have been horrible.

So how does this fit in with your boundaries and response to them

[allibaba]

Hi Waverider,

I guess that I have to rethink my escape plan (have purse in my car, grab phone and keys).  I normally carry the keys around if he's dyregulated.  In this case, I was really surprised that he acted out because the housekeeper was in the house.  I was unprepared!

If I didn't have the spare key, I would have walked to the neighbor's house.  As long as it isn't 40 below zero I would have been ok.

Threatening me/ demanding that I immediately fire the housekeeper/ behaving badly in front of our son crosses all sorts of boundaries.  I have let him know that I am not coming home tonight because I am frightened.  I am here at the shelter to protect myself.  I should be able to feel physically safe in my own home.

I have to say that the shelter staff were amazing.  I carefully explained that being at home was exposing me to danger but that I did not overall feel endangered in my relationship.  I told them that this wasn't the end of my relationship but rather a necessary step.  They didn't seem to judge.

I'm pretty tired but does that answer your boundary question or not?

[allibaba]

I am VERY worried about my little rescue dog (she's actually 95 lb).  Other than my son, she is the joy of my life.  My husband knows this and he has sent me 4 messages telling me that she is missing.  How she would have run away... . I don't know.  I hope that its just a ploy to get me home.  I should have taken her with me but I didn't have time. 

If she ran away then she's probably just hiding in the woods waiting for me to get home.  I hope not.  I hope that she is safely inside the house with my husband.  My entire gut is telling me to get in the car, drive the 30 min home and go looking for her.  I hope that its a manipulation on his part.  She has never run away for more than 5 min at a time

Say a few prayers/ good vibes for her... . and for me.

[waverider]

Does he know what your boundary is if anything happens to the dogs, even if he makes it out as not his fault?

[Grey Kitty]

Safety for you and your son does come ahead of your dog right now. I'm wishing the best for your dog.

I don't think you should go off looking for the dog without somebody who could keep you safe whatever happens (like a police officer) and a plan for where you will take the dog.

Stay strong.

[patientandclear]

Given the manipulation around the dogs, can I ask if you are absolutely sure that he would not remove your son from day care and take off with him, even for a short time?

I had to deal with protecting against this with my exH during our worst of times.  I know what a bad feeling it is to wonder if there is a stopping point past which the other person will not go in trying to achieve leverage with you.

I'm sure he won't hurt your son (other than the emotional damage that is risked with exposure to crap between parents, which I am not minimizing), but it seems like his ability to go retrieve your son from day care is a pretty enormous possible handle for him to grab onto.

Emergency protection orders have provisions to guard against that, is why I am asking about it.  I got one under similar circumstances.  In a very bad situation, it made me feel a lot better about my ability to safeguard the most important thing in my life -- my kid.  Is that something you might consider?

[allibaba]

UPDATE:  My little rescue is safely in the house.  I won't go into how I know... .   he was lying to try to manipulate me.  No real shock there.

I agree that my safety and the safety of my son comes way before the dog.  I was going to take her with me when I left this afternoon, but I ran out of time and I would have risked having to confront him.

I won't get an emergency protection order.  This is a game of manipulation from my husband.  The real danger to me was today when he was peaking in the rage and I was getting away.  That has passed now. 

Telling him that I would be at work and my son would be at daycare is my way of assuring him that its not all going down the tubes.  I do generally trust him not to hurt our son and I believe that he would only hurt me at the height of an unplanned rage.  If he goes and gets our son from daycare then I will deal with that when it comes.

He does know the boundary with the dogs.  The sad part is that he probably loves those dogs more than I do. 

Baby is asleep and I will sleep better now that I know my little angel is safe in the house.

He's sent many, many messages telling me that I am a weak, worthless human... . typical woman... . scared and spineless, that my dog is missing and gone forever... . that he has called the police to report a kidnapping... . that I should instruct him where to put my stuff (or it will be on the side of the road).  He's blustering. 

Thank you bpdfamily for supporting me tonight.  I look forward to the day when I am not posting all this drama.

I know that doing this will either save our relationship or lead it to divorce but either way... . it will be the right path.

PS Patientandclear... . I kept telling myself that I had to get on that second bus today when I left.  Thanks for giving me that reference point.

[patientandclear]

Right on, Allibaba.  I'm glad one of us got on the second bus.  (Well, I did eventually, a few years later.)  You are thinking very clearly.  Your son has a great mom.  I'm glad you found out about your dog.  And I agree with your unstated point, that while I am so glad he has not actually put the dog at risk (and I bet you are right, he wouldn't and wouldn't hurt your son), I am not sure it is much better that he is lying to manipulate you.

Eventually, when they are a little older, of course, it is impossible for it not to hurt the kid.  My daughter was 2 when I had to face that music.  A rage in the bedroom, which I'd hoped was out of earshot, led to her asking me "what daddy saying, mama?"  And so yeah -- second bus.  Like you say, you should get one of two preferable outcomes: better, or over.  You so deserve better now.  But if it ends up being over, you will have better eventually, too.

[Grey Kitty]

   You are doing a fantastic job of not taking his threats and blustering too personally.

Just make sure your safety plans are up to date, and ready for him if he decides to keep stepping things up.

As a side note, that diatribe about you being weak and worthless, scared and spineless... . sounds like a heck of a lot of projection to me. You are being VERY strong. He's got to be feeling worthless, and probably pretty weak because he can't control/manipulate you.

But until he calms down a lot, don't focus on him--focus on the safety of you, your son, and your dogs.

Do you plan to see him today or go back home tonight?

  GK

[allibaba]

Good morning everyone!

For today I feel pretty good.  I went home this morning after my husband went to work.  It took everything in my power not to clean up and turn off lights.  He's being so irresponsible!  No big shock there.  I have let my husband know that I will be home after work tomorrow.  He sent me another email this morning saying

':)on't bother coming home.  I really do not want to see you anymore.  Seriously.  Last night was the last straw.  I no longer care for you or trust you.'

I wonder if that seriously is as serious as the fact that my rescue seriously ran off hours ago and never came home.  She didn't.  When I went home this morning I took all the dogs on a nice, long, calm walk.  They appreciated it.

He also stated that he never threatened me - he told me that he "felt" like hurting me and that I am psychotic for misinterpreting that.

I responded:  no, I left because you said that if i walked away while you were talking to me that you would "[insert serious physical threat]."  I told him that I know that he has no intention of hurting me, but it scared me sufficiently that I needed to leave the house.  I also told him that I love him and he is the most important thing in my life (true) and that we can talk about the rest when I get home on Friday after work.

I let him know that our son was at daycare.  He responded that he will be collecting him today.  I am ok and at peace with that.  He would never hurt him and he would never act nuts alone with him (that's for my benefit).  He has just as much right to be with him as I do.

At this point, if he plans on keeping our son tonight... . I guess that I will just say ok and continue to stay at the shelter.  I will return after work on Friday. Having our son there will sooth him.  I appreciate that he may then try to use our son to draw me back home.  Something like 'come home.  he's inconsolable'.  Our son is never inconsolable.  He's tough as nails emotionally.  He loves his daddy more than anything.  He is a soldier about his schedule and routine and once he goes to bed he sleeps for 12 hrs (momma has him on a routine).  I wonder if my husband has thought through the fact that he cannot drop him off at daycare at 5:30 am (when my husband goes to work)... . guess I better be ready to go grab him.

My husband also just sent me a message that he is busy packing up my stuff.  He's actually at work and has been there since 6 am.  He told me that he quit his job this morning.  He's trying every trick in the book.  Immediately after leaving yesterday I pulled all but $400 out of our account (my husband's last paycheck that was deposited the day before).  I transferred it another joint account that he has no debit card access to -- so that he can't blow all our money while he is dyregulated.   

The irony is that someone attacked me (verbally) at work first thing this morning.  Someone that I really like and appreciate.  Because of the boundaries and issues going on at home - I was totally calm and defused the situation.  Side benefit.

I spoke to my uBPD mom this morning as she is arriving on Sunday here.  I let her know roughly what was going on.  She told me that while she doesn't believe that the relationship can be saved that she respects that I need to make my own decisions here (blow me over with a feather).  she told me that she will not misbehave if my husband loses it with her around and I assured her that if he crosses boundaries, we can go stay at a local bed and breakfast for the duration of her trip.  She seemed really surprised that I was willing to protect her (she has a right to a calm vacation too).

And the end of the day, I am not sure if my actions here will save my marriage or lead to a divorce but I am very at peace with it either way.  If you do right because it is right - then you don't have to worry about controlling the outcome.   

[allibaba]

He's livid.  Said everything of mine will be on the side of the road and see me in court and if I come to HIS HOME that he will call the police.  I welcome that.  The police would escort him off the property as I am the primary care giver of our son.  I really don't want it to escalate to that point.  I understand why he is so angry.  I hold all the card.  

Other than my son and my dogs, I don't care about any of it.  He was already threatening to get rid of the dogs before this all played out.  He said he will overturn my jewelry box.  The only stuff that I care about is on me.  

I have told him that I am turning off my phone as I have to work.

He's over the top angry.

[allibaba]

I finally signed off and said

Love you and have a good day.  PS All of this hurts me a lot

He responded:

Sounds like u r in denial.

You need help.

I do not want you anymore... . UNDERSTAND?

LIFE IS TOO HARD WITH YOU

NOW GO AWAY

AND DONT FORGET UR S

AT THE GATE 

:'(  :'(  :'(

[Grey Kitty]

 

It really sounds like he realizes he's losing control of you and he's flailing around. Desperate can be dangerous!


Given what you said about transferring money into a different joint account that he would have to work a little harder to drain... . And given that you are prepared for this to end in divorce if he does more than threaten... .   :'(

I'd recommend getting an account with only your name on it and putting a little emergency money into it, especially if you can do it without him noticing. No need to escalate things, but having the account ready as part of a safety plan sounds good to me. So does hiding some extra cash in a safe place, perhaps at work? He can't lock you out there.

Stay strong. This continues to be one hell of an extinction burst.

 GK

[allibaba]

Hi Grey Kitty,

It is one hell of an extinction burst!

To answer your question, even though I live in Canada and have all joint accounts with my husband, I have significant savings in the US.  I am the only one that has access to these investment and spending accounts.  He could permanently lock me out and I would be able to sign a lease on an apt and put down funds with no issue.  I am a seriously lucky and independent woman. 

Thank you for caring.  I know that I need to get a spare car key and store it hidden outside now.  I agree with a stash of cash at the office.

In my heart of hearts, I believe that this extinction burst will end and he will respect me even more and we will have a better marriage.

If I arrive on Friday and he won't let me in the house, I will call the police and have his escorted off of the property.  I have already been given advise by the police that since I am the primary caregiver if he tries to keep me out then they will escort him away.

I do admit I feel bad for him that he's got no power over me right now.  Poor guy.  This must be incredibly painful.

He just sent me a message saying that he won't pick our son up from daycare since he should get used to him not being in his life now.

Drama Drama Drama.