Re-establishing contact with silent/hostile BPD ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

Does anyone have an tips on how to re-establish contact with an ex displaying BPD traits?

My girlfriend dumped me last December over something which was an issue in the relationship but by no means reasonable grounds for permanently ending it.

The relationship was passionate, intense and loving, and for the most part my partner was full of exuberance. We saw each other every day or other day and even spoke of moving in with each other and how well we got on etc. I think this is why I was so shocked when the relationship ended.

I could list all her BPD traits here, but it would take a while and would make this rather long. The main one I have a problem with is the black and white thinking.

After the breakup it felt like I went from hero to zero overnight. Three months after the breakup she still acts as though I am her mortal enemy. She ignores all phone calls, blocked me on WhatsApp, and walks past me in the office - even when I say hi - as though I don't exist. Frankly, from the way she's acting you'd think I threw her pet puppy in a wood chipper. Seeing her every day is incredibly painful and the extreme animosity on her behalf only exacerbates everything.

Last week in the office I decided to mirror her behaviour and walked past her in silence, but felt terrible after doing so. It was as though I'd approved her behaviour and given her a reason to carry on ignoring me.

I haven't texted her for over a month now after she told me to cut all contact, but I want to reach out to her, perhaps to apologise for ignoring her (even though she'd have likely not responded if I'd said hello).

Is this a good idea? Should I make her aware of splitting and why she is acting this way? I tried everything after the breakup - sincere apologies, hand written poems, requests for friendship, no contact - only to be met with unbridled hostility. I know she has treated past exes in a similar way and views them all as "arseholes".

I have never experienced this with other exes and feel I can't get closure because things are on such bad terms. The worst thing is I feel like there is nothing I can do. It's all so irrational.

Any advice would be useful. Thanks!

[Redrum]

Hi all,

Does anyone have an tips on how to re-establish contact with an ex displaying BPD traits?

My girlfriend dumped me last December over something which was an issue in the relationship but by no means reasonable grounds for permanently ending it.

The relationship was passionate, intense and loving, and for the most part my partner was full of exuberance. We saw each other every day or other day and even spoke of moving in with each other and how well we got on etc. I think this is why I was so shocked when the relationship ended.

I could list all her BPD traits here, but it would take a while and would make this rather long. The main one I have a problem with is the black and white thinking.

After the breakup it felt like I went from hero to zero overnight. Three months after the breakup she still acts as though I am her mortal enemy. She ignores all phone calls, blocked me on WhatsApp, and walks past me in the office - even when I say hi - as though I don't exist. Frankly, from the way she's acting you'd think I threw her pet puppy in a wood chipper. Seeing her every day is incredibly painful and the extreme animosity on her behalf only exacerbates everything.

Last week in the office I decided to mirror her behaviour and walked past her in silence, but felt terrible after doing so. It was as though I'd approved her behaviour and given her a reason to carry on ignoring me.

I haven't texted her for over a month now after she told me to cut all contact, but I want to reach out to her, perhaps to apologise for ignoring her (even though she'd have likely not responded if I'd said hello).

Is this a good idea? Should I make her aware of splitting and why she is acting this way? I tried everything after the breakup - sincere apologies, hand written poems, requests for friendship, no contact - only to be met with unbridled hostility. I know she has treated past exes in a similar way and views them all as "arseholes".

I have never experienced this with other exes and feel I can't get closure because things are on such bad terms. The worst thing is I feel like there is nothing I can do. It's all so irrational.

Any advice would be useful. Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[C.Stein]

My ex did the same to me.  Devalued me, replaced me then threw me away like a piece of trash after a 2 year relationship and has quite likely painted me black forever.  It has been like we never even had a relationship and she never had any feelings for me at all.  It has admittedly been exceedingly difficult to come to terms with this. 

That said, IMO there is nothing you can do except respect her wishes.  The only closure you are going to get is the closure you give yourself.  I know it is difficult and it may be one of the most difficult things you will have to face right now.  Try to see her as a whole person, not the good vs. the bad.  This will help you find the inner peace and closure you seek.

[Fr4nz]

Hey Redrum,

this is typical BPD behaviour, once they split you black they see you as an enemy or ignore you completely. This happens for very precise, yet illogical, reasons related to the BPD way of thinking. Clearly, you understand that this is a completely abnormal behaviour coming from a disordered individual, it has nothing to do with your persona or value. These are patterns that, sadly, she most likely repeats across different relationships.

Also, there's nothing you can do about it; you may want to wait for an indefinite amount of time, hoping she splits you white again... .problem is, it's not even certain that this will happen.

All in all, I recommend you to stick with NC and be a grey rock, so avoid to react positively or negatively to whatever stimuli it may come from her.

Now it's time to focus on yourself, since a relationship with a BPD individual takes its high emotional toll.

You cannot heal her, but you can heal and control yourself. And date an emotionally saner person in the future  

A big hug

[AsGoodAsItGets]

My non BPD relationship just ended.  It was a wonderful relationship.  Now it's over,  the only thing is to be yourself.  It doesn't matter how hard you try, you can't control how another person feels.  Hell we can bearly control our own feelings.  

[tryingsome]

You want to re-establish, I get that and it is possible.

First, the most important question is how did the fight that lead to the end of relationship happen?

This is very important, if you fix/acknowledge this it is easier to get back together (provided she hasn't already found a replacement).

Also, what things does she like. My Ex liked Music a lot, I could make a mix tape and instantly connect with her.

Same with poetry. So, what things does your Ex like where you can connect to her emotionally?

After those two questions are answered we can kind of look at it from a high level and try to repair things.

However, just because you get her back, you have to make certain this is something you are capable of handling.

You'll have to understand what motivated to leave for the future.

And you'll have to work on yourself so you are strong enough to endure the relationship.

It isn't so difficult to get them to re-engage. The difficultly are the hoops you will go through to get there.

[Redrum]

Thank you all for your replies! It's comforting to know that other people have gone through similar experiences to me.

Tryingsome, the fight is difficult to explain. During the relationship I suffered from a form of OCD in which I ruminated over my girlfriend's sexual past. She revealed and hinted at a few things in her past and because of the OCD I asked her for more info, which upset her. I kept on ruminating about these things until I had a minor breakdown and eventually saw a counsellor, whose guidance worked wonders!

My girlfriend was initially supportive when she realised how much pain I was going through because of the intrusive thoughts. She told me to tell her when the thoughts occurred again - though she was also annoyed that I had asked her about things that were sensitive to her and which she was "ashamed of" - I don't think that resentment ever died down fully tbh. She was also a bit negative at my having to tell a counsellor about these things.

The relationship carried on well but I had a couple of relapses following the counselling. One morning I texted her to say I was very anxious again. She asked if I was having bad thoughts and I told her I was, and that they concerned her being with an ex she'd mentioned. I said I was going back to my parents' place for a day or two to get some respite. Later that day, after speaking with the counsellor again, I felt much better... .until my girlfriend phoned and angrily said she'd had enough and it was over.

I have apologised sincerely since then on multiple occasions, but to no avail. Of course, I could understand if she had lost attraction to me due to my anxiety or rationally decided the relationship wouldn't work because of it - despite my getting help and making great progress - but that didn't seem like the case. The way she behaved during and after the breakup suggests she acted out of rage because I wasn't conforming to what she expected. I think she was annoyed that I'd gone home to get better too and possibly saw this as abandonment.

I initially blamed myself solely for the breakup and went through a tough time when she began ignoring me, but my counsellor has since told me that what I said wasn't terrible, that I apologised enough and her behaviour has been a bit immature, overblown and unwarranted (but she's a person and it's obviously her decision).

All of the above probably makes the relationship sound terrible, but I raised my anxieties with her perhaps six or seven times over the course of four months, and never shouted or emotionally abused her. It was obviously an issue but not something we couldn't have worked through with maturity. The rest of those four months were blissful for both of us. We saw each other almost every day and spoke constantly. She even called me her best friend. We laughed with each other and had lots of fun. Everything was great really.

As I said, when I see her in my office now - three months after the breakup - she avoids me at all costs and doesn't even say hi, like I murdered her cat or something, and doesn't want to discuss anything. This is what I have found most difficult, especially after her initial support and understanding.

I am thinking of messaging to apologise for walking past her recently, and to say it's OK for her to continue to ignore me if that's what she wants, but I'm here to talk about anything if she wants to.

I really don't know what else to do. Even if she were willing to be friends it might help.

[tryingsome]

Hello Redrum,

I am going to start and say every pwBPD is different. What I might suggestion might not be optimal for the person you are with.

And use these suggestions as guides, not to use verbatim.

So if you want to get her back and continue, you need to address 'the fight.'

You are my rock, you are the person I rely on. But for myself, I reached out to others to help get by.

You are always the person I rely on the most. You are the person I care about the most.

Sometimes it is difficult for me because the relationship is so great.

I want to continue everything with you as I always felt we had a deep connection.

I know I messed up at times, but I feel we are best when we are together.

That is what I would say or write. And the it is imperative you talk to her the next. Ask for lunch or something.

You don't want to let it go. Then after you 'apologize/validate' for the first fight, you can so why you have been avoiding her.

Tackle the root cause first. So don't take the blame. Don't assign the blame.

Look for how your fight/counseling is making your relationship better; how it is making you more loving.


Now some funny stuff. I too took my exes past seriously. There are a bunch of reasons, but I think it boiled down to my own inexperience and knowing that peoples patterns don't change.

There is a lot I learned by my exes past, some stuff I wish I could forget and others I know are missing whole sections.

Like you it caused a lot of stress and anxiety. The problem with Ts in my experience is that the pwBPD seems them as a threat.

That you might gain insight and see how bad they really are after going to a T. So it is very important when you talk about your T, is how it is giving you a better understanding on the relationship.

How your T helping build a better emotional connection. The T needs to be seen as a bridge not as an obstacle.

I learned from my experience, is just to let things go as far as ones past. It is a lot of dark things in there sometimes.

The key is making yourself stable. When you dwell on things you can't control, anxiety usually comes forth.

Good luck!

[MapleBob]

I don't have any tips for reconnecting with her, other than to point out that she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to hear from you right now. That could be the BPD talking, or it could be her having walls up that she wants you to attempt to scale (mine did that) ... .both of those things eventually get pretty tiresome. So you might think about whether you're willing to be the one to build the bridge for her to (very likely) destroy.

I would love to hear other people's actual thoughts about how to go about reconnecting, though.

[Conundrum]

Hi, if you're requesting unvarnished input, I think that it's going to be a monumental challenge to get her back without evidencing titanic appealing changes (that she buys into). Whether you desire that, or are capable--is solely within your discretion.

I'm venturing that you evidenced neediness, insecurity, lack of esteem and perhaps even jealousy over her sexual past. Those are traits which repel (on many levels), and definitely shame. Shaming a person with BPD is like handing them a bowl of kryptonite and saying 'but you still love me, right." Err... .no, you just fostered putting on their track shoes---it forces them into fight and flight mode. It's ok to call anyone out whether disordered or not on current/present abusive treatment, but when it's about past dalliances prior to the relationship--not a wise relationship building stratagem.

Generally, with a (female) individual with BPD, the non (male), is required to be the partner who is more in control of his emotions. He should be a calming force, somewhat stoic, that cools her stormy temperament. When the non appears needy, clingy, desperate and basically co-dependent it creates an entirely different dynamic with the pwBPD--and often is quite unhealthy (for both parties). Instead of it morphing into a clearly perceived relationship (with inherent limitations) conjoining radical acceptance with aspirational improvement (when the non lets his or her feelings run amok), it spirals the two people into a toxic inverted yin/yang within a cracked relational foundation. If you're co-dependent, lack esteem, or are clingy, perhaps it's best to work on those elements before chasing after a pwBPD who will not enhance the situation that you find yourself in.

Consequently, it sounds for lack of a better term that (perhaps via neediness, OCD, whatever), you inadvertently slut shamed her, or something like that. That's a  really dire thing to do with a woman w BPD (or prolly any woman), bc deep down they usually aren't too thrilled with some of the situations that they placed themselves into--and when they think that you're obsessing on it--well then they remain trapped in the consequences of their pasts. An unpleasant place to be. Therefore, you're extracted from their environs like a rotten painful tooth.

I have no idea whether she was promiscuous, but being promiscuous is neither synonymous with possessing terrible moral values, nor is it synonymous with being awful at pair bonding (however, it does sometimes reflect that). Either way, it was prior to getting involved with her--though, I would imagine gauging whether she possesses the values and beliefs that are simpatico (with you) is a condition precedent that should be clear in your mind. Otherwise, you're both wasting each other's time.

Concerning winning her back. It will be necessary to create a new impression with her--and deconstruct the previous status quo. That implies behaving the opposite of clingy, needy, desperate and all emo. Considering she's painted you public enemy No.1--not only will that be difficult to achieve, but it's also risky--bc inviting contact when she's expressed the desire for the opposite can court trouble in many ways. So clearly perceive and give due consideration whether this is a wise venture. However, if you choose to pursue the matter, then keep your emotions in check. If you're going to reach out to her keep it light, witty, charming funny etc. Appeal to her desire to have fun, and nix anything that smacks of shaming, emotional heaviness or desperation etc. It's better to send a short text saying, "hey been thinking about you/us. Want to kick it at so n so (a fun place that she'll like to go to) and have fun etc... Something along those line. Short, and to-the-point, without any triggering language. As I said, this is a steep incline and may be considered a trespass (by her). Given your self-described demeanor, are you entirely certain that you're clearly perceiving here and that it's a beneficial path? I wish you well.             

[livednlearned]

Hi Redrum,

A lot of people with BPD have what some call "merger fantasies," which aren't very realistic, at least not long term. Non-BPDs can be susceptible to this too, especially during the early idealization stage. It can feel pretty amazing! And then it ends, when one or both partners inevitably begin to individuate because they are different. This can feel like a massive crash to someone with BPD, like abandonment. This crash is usually a matter of time, and inevitable.

Once the merger fantasy is dashed, she may rewrite history and decide your ruminations about her sexual past made her feel shame, and maybe she felt you were trying to control her. Who knows, it's hard to say. Like tryingsome mentioned, everyone with BPD is different, and there is no one-size all formula to win someone back. Even so, there are things you can do to improve your chances that, if an opportunity comes up, you can respond in ways that are less likely to remind her why she left in the first place.

She is probably not the person to ask for help with your anxiety about her sexual past    I'm not BPD and I would find this tough. BPD can create a sense that there are no boundaries, so it falls to the nonBPD person to establish consistent, firm, assertive boundaries. Without those boundaries, she may have a hard time developing some healthy independence in the relationship, which is ideally what needs to happen.

Ultimately, you have to be in a place where you feel emotionally strong enough, and in your situation, that means finding some peace about her sexual past. Is it your worst fear?

[JQ]

hello Redrum 

I see that this is your 2nd post ... .so let me say I'm glad you found the site ... .you won't find anyone here judging you as you've already found out with some of the post in this string.  I would encourage you to read the references at the top of the page starting with Personality disorders to REALLY learn what & how VERY serious BPD is a Cluster B mental illness.  I would then move top the Tools tab and learn the new language of BPD and how to "communicate & interact" with your BPDgf. Then I would read the references to the right of the page as well ---------------->>>>>>>>>>>

There are books such as "I hate you ... .don't leave me", "Walking on Eggshells", and "The Human Magnet Syndrome" just to name a couple ... .and all you can find in the library or at your therapist office.

This is going to be a very tough journey to walk ... .but you have us here who have been or are where you are currently . We can share with you our experiences, what worked and what didn't work for us. What we can't and won't tell you is what to do or to say ... .but when you stumble on your journey & you will ... .someone here will hold out a hand to help you back up, dust you off, straighten you back up so you can make the choice to continue down your path, go to the one on the right or sit back down where your at and do nothing ... .the choice is and always has been yours.

You've already received some good guidance on what happen to them ... .and how they reacted. I can tell you from my exBPDgf ... .she would try to "devalue" me by telling me of her former sexual exploits / bfs. She would try to demean me by telling me things that are common with BPDs to their NONs. A non is a codependent and most on this sight are whether they want to admit it or not are a codependent in some shape or form.  Like any man ... .like yourself ... .her comments did strike a nerve ... .and cause some insecurity ... .like they have in you.  I dove into everything in the BPD world via this site, a therapist, a few books.  What I learned helped me get through the most challenging time in quite a long term.  But I'm a wiser man for it. And I learned the BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness with studies to indicate that there are physical defects in the brain and environment conditions that contribute to the behavior.

Anyone who has been in a r/s with a BPD will tell you that once you're painted black & they give you the silent treatment ... .NOTHING you say or DON'T say ... .NOTHING you do or DON'T do is going to make them contact you before they ready to do it ... .IF THEY DO IT!  You can't force the situation ... .You've already seen some BPD language, painted black, devalue, but there is many more, deregulation, painted white, projection, raging, abandonment, engulfment, shame, gas lighting, idealism, impulsivity, and splitting. The list goes on and you have a lot of home work to do.

You can't change her ... .but look at yourself and learn why you feel in love with a BPD and then starting making the life changes to improve yourself ... .

JQ

[TheCodependent1]

I am on day 31 of NC with my, it appears exBPDgf, she left me on the very day I told her I suspected she had BPD and that I was seeking therapy for myself, just so happened to be one day after being together for one year. I believe she was planning her exit prior, February is a trigger month for her as a sibling past away couple of years back, that and our on year anniversary of being together. I think she was already overwhelmed, then I mentioned BPD and therapy for myself and poof, she was gone. Blocked me all avenues and told me never to contact her again. Sound familiar?

It was a tumultuous year, every BPD behavior was on display, including multiple physically abusive situations and me in my codependent role trying to heal her. I didn't know about BPD until the very end and honestly without external professional psyche help, nothing I did or didn't do would have changed much.

The hard part for me is dealing with the 'what if's' of knowing what I know now, my codependent tendencies to think 'Now I can save her with this new BPD information' and considering whether I should apologize for my side of things since I know I didn't always handle myself as I would have liked. I have a few of personal belongings, mail, a journal, but she hasn't asked for them. At this time I am following the path of no contact, same advice as JQ gave, if there is any chance of you having a relationship again, a healthy relationship with your BPDgf, she needs to contact you first and then you need to enforce the boundaries and skills you are learning now should that day arrive and you want to try again.

Be good to yourself.

[Redrum]

So I texted her and said: 'Sorry for blanking you last week. I know you probably wouldn't have reciprocated if I'd said hello, but it felt wrong all the same. If you ever want to talk about anything just let me know. I still care about you and would really like us to be on good terms.'

Several days later... .no reply.

I accept what Conundrum and livednlearned said about my condition/anxiety/jealousy/whatever you want to call it obviously having an affect on her mentality and her view of me – believe me, I've spent the last three months self-loathing, feeling terrible, guilty and obsessing over what I could have done differently.

The thing is, she told me lots of things about past partners very early on, which I know BPDs are apt to do. The one that really bothered me was when she said some guy had been rough with her and didn't elaborate much further. Of course, I sympathised greatly and comforted her, said she shouldn't feel ashamed etc, but I also couldn't stop thinking about what this guy had done – my anxiety went through the roof –  I started ruminating over it and eventually had to ask her what he did. She was very upset when i did so and hated that I brought it up again, despite her revealing many other sensitive details about her past to me before this.

Even now I feel terrible about these things, but the fact I realised I had a problem and sought counselling has assuaged my guilt to some extent. I really tried to fix things, and I was never cruel or unkind to her. I just asked for more info about things she had told me. And the rest of the relationship really was great, apart from some strange things she did – getting jealous of my sister, becoming angry with me after I made small talk with her boss, misinterpreting things I'd said as though I'd slighted her.

I've been on holiday for the last couple of weeks and I'm back in the office tomorrow where I'll see her again. The part I'm finding most difficult is working near someone who I know hates my guts and won't even look at me – someone I loved. It's so gut-wrenching. I'm a very empathetic person and I hate confrontation. I'm always the first person to patch things up with friends and family, and yet there seems like no way I can get on good terms with her, even after apologising sincerely, giving her space and explaining why I had the thoughts. I can't believe it's been three months and she won't even talk to me.

Today I thought about sending her links to info on splitting, and idealisation and devaluation, but I think it may just make things worse. She'll probably put up a front and get angry with me, as though I'm accusing her of something.

I can't stop thinking about how I can get out of this mess, and also whether things would have gone wrong even if I hadn't had issues with her past. Another thing I've noticed is her getting chummy with colleagues she once told me she hated. It seems like she's all over the place. I also keep thinking she'll go out with someone else soon and their relationship will be perfect, with none of the problems we had, and that I failed to keep her happy. Of course, she told me that – somehow – all eight of he exes were arseholes, though, so I know that's an irrational thought. I'm probably an arsehole now too.

She did a lot of unnecessary victim playing during the relationship and I think this has made it more difficult to get over her. I was taken in by everything she said and tried to protect her, even though I now realise it she was dramatising and exaggerating, perhaps for attention. To suddenly be viewed on the same level by her as the supposedly awful people I tried to protect her from has made me feel inferior and shameful.

I also worry what she has told colleagues and friends. Maybe she has told them that I emotionally abused her etc.

[adaw]

my BPD has tried the smearing campaign against me and her friends told her to her face that she was lying this annoyed her and she started rumours that i slept with them which alienated her even more

[C.Stein]

The thing is, she told me lots of things about past partners very early on, which I know BPDs are apt to do. The one that really bothered me was when she said some guy had been rough with her and didn't elaborate much further. Of course, I sympathised greatly and comforted her, said she shouldn't feel ashamed etc, but I also couldn't stop thinking about what this guy had done – my anxiety went through the roof –  I started ruminating over it and eventually had to ask her what he did. She was very upset when i did so and hated that I brought it up again, despite her revealing many other sensitive details about her past to me before this.

Some things are best left in the past and sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Those things that aren't should be taken with a grain of salt.  Who a person is today is not determined by a few events in their past.  These events are only a few strokes of paint on a persons life canvas.   The events themselves do not matter as much as how the individual has grown/learned from these events, be it positive or negative.  It does you no good to obsess over the past as you will miss what is going on in the present.

[Redrum]

Some things are best left in the past and sometimes ignorance is bliss.  Those things that aren't should be taken with a grain of salt.  Who a person is today is not determined by a few events in their past.  These events are only a few strokes of paint on a persons life canvas.   The events themselves do not matter as much as how the individual has grown/learned from these events, be it positive or negative.  It does you no good to obsess over the past as you will miss what is going on in the present.

I realise you mean well but I know this. It's why I saw a counsellor. I realised I had an unhealthy OCD-like preoccupation with something that rationally didn't really matter.

[livednlearned]

I've spent the last three months self-loathing, feeling terrible, guilty and obsessing over what I could have done differently.

This is really rough. In my experience, dealing with these feelings is the hardest and most important part of managing a BPD relationship -- maybe more important than the communication skills. I think because these self-defeating feelings feed into the victim dynamic that many BPDs feel. You almost end up confirming for the BPD partner that you aren't x, y, or z enough. She feels safer in victim mode, so you respond accordingly, and then she resents that you have become weakened.

[Stanfran]

Great post it helped me a lot thanks

[Bigmd]

If it helps you I was dumped 8 months ago. I went nc 6 months ago. She painted me black and I wouldn't subject myself to that. It was hard, very hard. I spent nights and days crying. I found this site and it helped. I found myself getting better an happy. I started dating and enjoying the single life. I'm in the best shape of my life. I even met a girl I really like. Than wouldn't you know it. I get a text from the ex last week . She asked how I was doing. We talked for a bit. That was all I needed. The door was open again from a woman I thought I would never speak to again. My getting better train derailed so to speak. We texted last night for an hour. I'm not sure what's gonna happen. I'm excited and scared all at once. The bottom line is never say never. I read stories for months about exes coming back and never coming back. It can and most likely might happen. For you I think the only thing would be NC. Unfortunately she is controlling the situation.

[C.Stein]

Unfortunately she is controlling the situation.

Case in point?

[Redrum]

I found out this week that she has a new job and won't be working in my office any more. Her last day is later this week.

Part of me is glad, because I can finally move on properly, but another part of me is very sad that I may never see her again. At least when she was near me all the time it meant that one day she might have given up the silent treatment and perhaps said hello to me in the corridor.

Now I fear she'll never make contact. I texted to congratulate her and said I was looking forward to spending an eternity in her memory box, but again - no reply.

I really wish we could have been on good terms before she left too. It's going to be so painful to see all the people on her team, about whom she moaned to me almost incessantly, go to her leaving party while she won't even speak to me.

I think you're right Bigmd, I need to focus on myself and the future. I can't go on forever wondering what will be and thinking about what I could have done, or could do now, to change things. Hopefully someone better will come along.

[JQ]

I found out this week that she has a new job and won't be working in my office any more. Her last day is later this week.

Part of me is glad, because I can finally move on properly, but another part of me is very sad that I may never see her again. At least when she was near me all the time it meant that one day she might have given up the silent treatment and perhaps said hello to me in the corridor.

Now I fear she'll never make contact. I texted to congratulate her and said I was looking forward to spending an eternity in her memory box, but again - no reply.

I really wish we could have been on good terms before she left too. It's going to be so painful to see all the people on her team, about whom she moaned to me almost incessantly, go to her leaving party while she won't even speak to me.

I think you're right Bigmd, I need to focus on myself and the future. I can't go on forever wondering what will be and thinking about what I could have done, or could do now, to change things. Hopefully someone better will come along.

Redrum,

Being in love with a BPD certainly is a double edge knife, it can cut both ways. We've all felt what you have because we've lived it. Some of us have moved on as tough as it was but some are still STUCK in the mud unable to move forward or backward.

I don't know if your've seen this or not, but i've included a link to a 10 minute short film and I think it will apply in this string for you and others.

A quote from the movie, "The most important life lesson I've ever learned is this, sometimes people leave, and sometimes unexpectedly. Take a deep breath, mourn the loss, AND start living again".    

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k&list=PLis612o11vlmSOWMOL6pKyFRRsO43VxdO

J