Wife insulted Valentine's Day gift

[Indiana]

Need some advice on how to respond reasonably to this.

I ordered a nice arrangement of flowers and had them delivered to my wife's office today for Valentine's Day.

She just sent me a text with a photo of a larger floral arrangement that her coworker received from her fiance and the message "You were outdone!"

Does anyone know why she would feel the need to call her friend's larger floral arrangement to my attention and point out to me that I had been outdone?  I was trying to be thoughtful, and all she can do is point out that someone got a bigger gift than she did.

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[SleepsOnSofa]

You've got nothing to gain by mentioning it to her, I'd expect. Maybe she thought she was being ironic or funny, or maybe she was serious, but if you tell her that her comment hurt your feelings, the conversation will probably immediately turn around to how you hurt her feelings by sending an inadequate bouquet and embarrassing her at work. My experience with my uBPDw has been: if I say something that upsets her, I'm in trouble; if she says something that upsets me, she'll say it was my fault she said it, and I'm in trouble. No matter who made the mistake, I'm the one who gets yelled at. I'd say let it pass.

[MammaMia]

Indiana

I agree. Just let it go.  If she persists in telling you how your flowers "failed" her, ignore it.  

Maybe you could take her out to dinner or do something more personal in addition to the flowers?

Could be just a nice card with a gift card to her favorite shop.  Surprise her.

PwBPD are never satisfied.  Never.

[Mutt]

You've got nothing to gain by mentioning it to her, I'd expect. Maybe she thought she was being ironic or funny, or maybe she was serious, but if you tell her that her comment hurt your feelings, the conversation will probably immediately turn around to how you hurt her feelings by sending an inadequate bouquet and embarrassing her at work. My experience with my uBPDw has been: if I say something that upsets her, I'm in trouble; if she says something that upsets me, she'll say it was my fault she said it, and I'm in trouble. No matter who made the mistake, I'm the one who gets yelled at. I'd say let it pass.

A double bind, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

A double bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in communication in which an individual (or group) receives two or more conflicting messages, in which one message negates the other. This creates a situation in which a successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other (and vice versa), so that the person will automatically be wrong regardless of response

www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind

[pixiecat]

Wow, Indiana, that's uhm, well I'd have found that really hard to deal with.  What did you do?

Mutt, that link on Double bind is really interesting.  I googled a bit and found this: www.laingsociety.org/cetera/pguillaume.htm  Food for thought actually.  Double bind explains how I feel often, but also perfectly explains my BPDboyfriend's dilemma with me sometimes actually (when I'm feeling that way myself) and also, I am sure, when he reads it he will relate to it a lot from his childhod.

[VeryFree]

Think about how you feel about it.

What did it do to you when she insulted your gift?

What are you going to do with this information?

After that start to think about how to address her in this matter.

[Mutt]

Mutt, that link on Double bind is really interesting.  I googled a bit and found this: www.laingsociety.org/cetera/pguillaume.htm  Food for thought actually.  Double bind explains how I feel often, but also perfectly explains my BPDboyfriend's dilemma with me sometimes actually (when I'm feeling that way myself) and also, I am sure, when he reads it he will relate to it a lot from his childhod.

You're welcome pixiecat. I used to get double binds a lot and it was so frustrating. I did see a pattern where whatever choice that I was given, I got a negative consequence. I felt better knowing that there's a name behind this behavior and started to understand. The more you know! Thanks for the link pixiecat.

[Indiana]

Pixiecat and Mutt -

Your links were very interesting.  I was not familiar with the term "double bind" but I realize that I've been dealing with it for years.

A prime example occurred Saturday evening.  I wanted to go to a local high school basketball game (small town Indiana -- it's what people do for entertainment).  The coach is an old friend of mine and it was an important game for his team.  I had mentioned it to her Friday, and again on Saturday that I would like to go. 

The first time, she ignored me.  The second time, she said, "Why would you want to go to a stupid basketball game?".  I left it at that and accepted that I was not going to be attending.  Did not say another word about it.

Later that evening, she broke the silent treatment by telling me that if I wanted to go to the game, I should have gone instead of staying home and blaming her for not letting me go.  "I didn't tell you that you couldn't go", she said.

I would have been in trouble if I had gone, and was in trouble for not going, which is what I thought she wanted me to do.

I have realized that through the years, I have not even mentioned to her dozens of opportunities I have had to do fun things because of this same scenario.  I don't want to start a mood swing / silent treatment so I don't even bring it up (sporting events, fishing, golf outings, card games... . nothing extraordinary -- no bars, clubs, overnight trips).

Asking her to join me in activities is pretty much off the table.  She doesn't like crowds, restaurants, movies, staying up late, sports, hotels, being away from home, etc.

I am seriously starting to question whether what she has is really BPD or if she is just an unhappy, bhity person.

[Mutt]

I would have been in trouble if I had gone, and was in trouble for not going, which is what I thought she wanted me to do.

I am seriously starting to question whether what she has is really BPD or if she is just an unhappy, bhity person.

You're welcome Indiana. I came across that through my reading and researching. It's possible she may not be. I get support from my best friend and he has mentioned that his spouse will put him in a double bind, and she's not disordered.

Take care.  

[Wrongturn1]

I have realized that through the years, I have not even mentioned to her dozens of opportunities I have had to do fun things because of this same scenario.  I don't want to start a mood swing / silent treatment so I don't even bring it up (sporting events, fishing, golf outings, card games... . nothing extraordinary -- no bars, clubs, overnight trips).

Indiana: this one struck a chord with me; I had dozens (no, more like hundreds probably) of missed opportunities over the years before figuring out the double bind dilemma. 

My solution, which I have been happy with, is that now I go ahead an do those things that I want to do as long as they are within reason, and then let my wife get mad at me if she wants.  I'd rather have her mad at me after I do something fun and healthy for me instead of have her mad at me while I stay home from some fun activity that I really want to do.  For example, I took 2 vacation days last year to attend a hobbyist convention that was being held in my city (just local; not an overnight).  It was fun.  My wife dysregulated a bit on the first day, but I didn't let that stop me from having a good time both days.

[MammaMia]

Indiana

Next time just go and do what you want with or without her.  Stop letting her control your happiness.

You have a right to attend a basketball game if you want.  How she deals with it is her problem.

[bruceli]

You've got nothing to gain by mentioning it to her, I'd expect. Maybe she thought she was being ironic or funny, or maybe she was serious, but if you tell her that her comment hurt your feelings, the conversation will probably immediately turn around to how you hurt her feelings by sending an inadequate bouquet and embarrassing her at work. My experience with my uBPDw has been: if I say something that upsets her, I'm in trouble; if she says something that upsets me, she'll say it was my fault she said it, and I'm in trouble. No matter who made the mistake, I'm the one who gets yelled at.

Indiana

I agree. Just let it go.  If she persists in telling you how your flowers "failed" her, ignore it.   

Maybe you could take her out to dinner or do something more personal in addition to the flowers?

Could be just a nice card with a gift card to her favorite shop.  Surprise her.

PwBPD are never satisfied.  Never.

Seems like she is trying to bait you, as mentioned above and something I am still working hard on... . DON"T TAKE THE BAIT.  Gotta remind myself all the time.

[SunflowerFields]

"I am sorry you feel you didn't get a bouquet large enough to be deserving of you. If you feel it was inadequate, you are free to find a husband who will give you what you feel you deserve, and I can find a wife who appreciates my gifts."

[123Phoebe]

She just sent me a text with a photo of a larger floral arrangement that her coworker received from her fiance and the message "You were outdone!"

Does anyone know why she would feel the need to call her friend's larger floral arrangement to my attention and point out to me that I had been outdone?  I was trying to be thoughtful, and all she can do is point out that someone got a bigger gift than she did.

Hi Indiana,

This sort of thing hurts and strikes us in a very vulnerable place, that of not being good enough.  That's our own stuff to deal with, regardless of what others tell us or insinuate, or how we perceive their message.

I'm thinking that what she did was projected her feelings of not being good enough onto you... .   A larger arrangement = the other girl's fiancé loves her more than you love your wife and she felt 'less than'. 

You are good enough though!  In fact, you're awesome!

Not saying that this is the 'right' way to respond to something like this, it would make me feel better though, as it's truthful...

"It's the thought that counts...   Hope you're enjoying your flowers!"

Then in the future, protect yourself and maybe don't send flowers to her at work, or still do, knowing that you're doing it coming from a place of pure sincerity and thoughtfulness, not to outdo anyone else.

Valentine's Day is pressure-city, as far as I'm concerned, when dealing with emotional immaturity... .

Just had a thought, speaking of emotional immaturity

When she texted "You've were outdone!", with a photo of the larger arrangement, you could've texted back a picture of your zipper with, "The bigger gift is waiting for you at home "  

If there's anything I've learned being involved with a pwBPD, it's to NOT take things super seriously.  Life's too short for that.

Hope you'll be going to more basketball games!