What is Freedom to you as it pertains to your toxic family member?

[Pina colada]

I have realized, and I discovered it from a great quote that Freedom to me is working hard to stop having unemotional reaction to words... .I now just try to sit back, take them in, and breathe!  I am in control of my own power!  I have stopped reading all the toxic lies and trash my "sick" sister writes because all they are just words.  Anyone can write anything and I cannot control that.  I can control my reaction and I have chosen, over the past 6 or so months to just ignore my sister.  When I hear about her trashing me, I just don't really care what she writes.  I listen to my family member, take it in and now I think that "it's just words"... .Doesn't mean anything.  She posts on a forum like this, no one knows my sister and they  don't know me.  A bunch of lonely people that moan and complain about everything.  My sister doesn't have friends, real friends, so god bless her cyber friends.  She can write her fiction to them.  I don't care what she says or does.  Just words.  My sister isn't in my life (thankfully)and never really was.  Just remember, words are just words.  Take your power back.  Just listen and breath!

[Panda39]

Great question?  The BPD person in my life is my SO's uBPDxw and she is in my life way less these days because the "doorway"... .her daughters have set boundaries. The door is open just a crack D22 is no contact, but her sister D18 is still low contact.

I have freedom from drama and worry... .worry that she is going to hurt someone I care about.

Panda39

[Pina colada]

Hi Panda39, how do you handle the anxiety thinking ex may slip in and try and mess with you?  That sounds like a tough situation.  For me, because it is my sister, I can choose to leave her be.  A close family of mine reads her cr*p she posts on another forum although I haven't read there in about 6 months... .yay me!  Apparently she wrote a letter to me dear sister or something like that. I am sure she wants me to read it.  I told family member I don't need to know what it says.  I have no desire to read it.   I was in a toxic relationship with a narc man and sister is worse than he will ever be.  Good riddens to toxic and evil people.  I also am practicing breathing and non emotional responses with words!  I am practicing that with all my yoga teachings I am learning as well!  Have a blessed and toxic free Thanksgiving!  I know I will!

[Panda39]

Because the girls are older, (I've been with my SO for over 8 years now) and they know about BPD, but more importantly because their mother has "burned" both of them with her actions, they have good boundaries.  Mom will occasionally try and stir the pot through D18 but at this point dad will help his daughter problem solve, and her Therapist will help her problem solve... .they support her in her response to her mother.

What has helped me... .Radical Acceptance I can't control any of these people, only what I do.  I can support, and suggest but everyone will make their own choices.  The girls choose how much they see their mother and how much they let her in.  It can be painful both to see their mom and not see their mother.  Their dad and I share the tools we've learned here... .recognizing FOG and boundaries probably the most important. I support the girls in their choices regarding their mother each approaches her differently.

I think you are making a really smart choice to ignore what your sister posts, you are choosing to take care of you!   She posts because she can't control her emotions... .what she posts is emotional vomit... .and is likely more about her feelings about herself than her feelings about you.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving!
Panda39

[Harri]

Great question PinaC!

Freedom for me is a little harder to define in terms of my BPD family member as my mother is dead.  I don't have to deal with her coming over, or phone calls or current abuses but I do very much deal with lingering enmeshment, abuse issues and learning who I really am free of her distortions and projections.

So freedom to me is synonymous with responsibility for healing myself.  I also equate it with having the power of choice. 

So even though my parents are dead I am still very much in the thick of things with the advantage they can't add additional hurts.  Radical Acceptance still plays a big role in my journey as does reminding myself of my emotional boundaries and working on self differentiation.

PinaC, those are some pretty powerful realizations you've had and I and happy to see it.  It is not easy to accept that others can choose to do and say what they want and know it has nothing to do with us. 

To Freedom!

[Pina colada]

Hi Harri, I think your situation is harder because it is your parents and they are no longer alive.  My dad had many NPD traits and my mom was very depressed when she was married to him.  After she divorced my dad, she came to me and apologized and we became great friends!  I also got to know my dad especially these past five years or so as he became ill before he passed and I know he loved me in his own way.  I also felt special as he told me I was his favorite daughter which I knew as I was always there for him and sis was not always involved in her own life and only caring about my dads money.  I never bonded with my sister so not having her in myeline is not hard.  Of course I wish things were different and I had a "normal" sister whom we could have a normal relationship. god knows I tried with my disordered sister but disordered people don't play by the rules of life.  I also learned that "hurt people (my sister) HURT people". It makes perfect sense.  My sister was always jealous of me and probably still is.  She has no idea what I am doing and whom I am with and I intentionally keep from posting that here or on social media.  I don't care that she knows how great my kids are, how my kids all love each other and myself and their dad, how I am touch with bio family and good friends with my ex husband.  I have a very busy life now and I know it all can be taken away away so I thank god even day!  I don't dwell on the "if only my sister was normal and not evil" scenario and I have lived most of my years without her and I intend to continue to live one day at a time and not think about her (except when I am here).

[Irish1477]

Freedom for me is the acceptance of my dxBPD mom's behavior, and the hope of her ever changing is gone. It released me. She will never be the mother who cares for me, or has my best interest at heart, and that acceptance freed me from a life of ongoing drama, & letdowns.

[Joha242]

I desperately want to get to the place where it sounds like so many of you are: radical acceptance. So many of the interactions with my uBPDm send me into a tailspin, so much so that I think I put more energy into her behavior than she does. My silly mantras are "like water off a duck's back" and "bubble of white light" --- both meant to protect me from the reactionary tailspin... .but as the holidays approach and her manic-ness ramps up, in turn, so does my stress level. I am eager to get to a place in which she does or says something and I can think to myself, "okay, that' effing crazy, moving on... ." Her specific issues are usually boundary-busting, and she has a huge amount of trouble accepting the intimacy and importance of my nuclear family. The trouble is, she has no other family other than my sister who is NC, so I'm it (and I have the lone grandkids), so I let her in, but it's always drama, drama, drama. Our lone stipulation is that we have Xmas eve and Xmas day together, so of course she's at our doorstep Dec 26. One Xmas, in fact, she came over Xmas night, stayed at a local hotel, and unsurprisingly some kind of drama ensued in which she needed us to come over immediately. She's a boundary-busting pro. It's heartbreaking.

[Harri]

Irish, it does sound like you have reached a point of freedom from expecting your mom to be someone she is not.  I imagine that was a hard place to reach?

Joha, radical acceptance (RA) is often something that has to be pursued daily.  It is an active process rather than static and involves conscious choice.  Sometimes RA needs to be done several times a day even.

You may find that posting here regularly will help.  It is during the times when things are calmer and less emotional that a lot of progress can be made by learning and practicing the tools, including RA.

[Panda39]

Our lone stipulation is that we have Xmas eve and Xmas day together, so of course she's at our doorstep Dec 26. One Xmas, in fact, she came over Xmas night, stayed at a local hotel, and unsurprisingly some kind of drama ensued in which she needed us to come over immediately. She's a boundary-busting pro. It's heartbreaking.

So radical acceptance she is gonna do what she's gonna do... .she is who she is. 

Past behaviors are pretty good predictors of future behavior.
She's gonna push to see you on Christmas Day... .expect it, plan for it... .know that she may try something like she did before (why? because it worked for her she saw you sooner).  So a boundary... .how about the phone is turned off Christmas Day all day.  No calls received so no drama. 

Your boundaries are yours to enforce.  Her drama is hers and she is an adult if she's got an issue, you do not have to rush in and rescue nor should you.

Panda39

[Joha242]

@Panda39, you are SPOT ON. She is, of course, gonna do what she always does so the only choice is in my reaction. I like the idea of turning the phones off. I may just do that! And you're right, I don't have to rescue her, and that's the scenerio that's cropped up before.

[Pina colada]

Joha you sound like an empath.  It has been a long, long journey I know for me, and each day is different.  Radical acceptance helps, but, you must be ready.  It is a hard pill to swallow.  Also, since you still have mom in your life, just remind yourself disordered people are "hurt"... ."hurt people HURT people, and disordered folks don't play by our rules.  Keep posting and let us know how you are.
Irish good for you on radical acceptance.  Many of us here are in the boat so you are not alone.  Keep posting and we are here to support you.  Oh, breathing helps too!

[Joha242]

I don't know if I'm so much an empath (actually I've been accused of being "hot and cold"), but I accept that I'm deep in the FOG with my mom. I have pretty clear emotional boundaries with most people, it's just this one relationship that bogs me down, and I'm very aware that it affects other relationships.

At this point, and especially since separating from my husband, it feels that my mom wants to have an uncomfortably close relationship with me (going on many years now), but I simply don't trust her, nor do I care for her drama, boundary-busting, etc. So, I try to limit contact with her, most definitely limit alone time with her, and just get through the visits.

I know it's a bit FOG-gy, but I do have sincere empathy for her. She has no siblings (she once had 3 brothers), no partner/spouse, and she's retired. For family she has just us two daughters (one of which is NC), a niece, and my two kids. She also has, however, a rich social life and a calendar that looks darn near manic to me. She's lived in the same small, artistic, vibrant for 50 years and she's a force in her community, though to hear her tell it she's just a peon amongst the popular kids (her exact words). However, in contrast, I have 2 stepmoms that are both single (one divorced and one widowed from my dad), and they are even more isolated than she is, but I don't feel the emotional weight/tug/pull/responsibility to fix it. This is how I know I'm deep in the FOG.

But with the realization comes a bit of anger and resentment. This is the energy that I'd like to dispel as I work towards RA.