I need to create boundaries but don't know how

[Depression = 72% of members]

My older sister is unBPD. I lived in close quarters with her from 11 until 18, when  I couldn't take it anymore and left my house (Couldn't take the craziness!) I had no idea what was happening, I only knew she would blow a fuse at the most random times. First it was with her then husband, then with anyone at any time.

In any case, nowadays she just irritates the bejesus out of me. For instance, my grandfather is very ill right now. He lives in another country so its hard for any one of us to see him. My mom decided she had to go as she wouldn't want him to die before seeing him one last time. This was a last minute decision last night so we were all rallying around her, as this is clearly a hard time for her.

Ofcourse my sister couldn't handle the spotlight not being on her. She started saying she also had to go see him. She does this irritating thing where she keeps asking whether she should or shouldn't do something. Its infuriating, particularly because i feel like she is only doing this to get attention.

On top of this a few years ago she had been layed off, and just recently, maybe a year or so, she got her job back. So now if she goes, she puts her job in jeopardy, putting even more stress on my mom. She also doesn't have money to go, so she keeps fishing to see if either my brother or I bite and give her money.

This whole situation irritates me, and I just want her to go away basically. I hate feeling this inner turmoil of having a love/hate relationship with her. She can be SOO nice, and do so many nice things for all of us, but then she turns around and does something really really stupid or mean. Its exhausting. It makes me feel like I am a terrible sister, and at the same time I feel like I need to learn to set up boundaries with her and I just don't know how. Particularly, how do I keep those boundaries up when she becomes the angelic person she turns into (This Jackel and Hyde thing is no joke!)

Suggestions?

[4givrnt4gtr]

My older sister is unBPD. I lived in close quarters with her from 11 until 18, when  I couldn't take it anymore and left my house (Couldn't take the craziness!) I had no idea what was happening, I only knew she would blow a fuse at the most random times. First it was with her then husband, then with anyone at any time.

In any case, nowadays she just irritates the bejesus out of me. For instance, my grandfather is very ill right now. He lives in another country so its hard for any one of us to see him. My mom decided she had to go as she wouldn't want him to die before seeing him one last time. This was a last minute decision last night so we were all rallying around her, as this is clearly a hard time for her.

Ofcourse my sister couldn't handle the spotlight not being on her. She started saying she also had to go see him. She does this irritating thing where she keeps asking whether she should or shouldn't do something. Its infuriating, particularly because i feel like she is only doing this to get attention.

On top of this a few years ago she had been layed off, and just recently, maybe a year or so, she got her job back. So now if she goes, she puts her job in jeopardy, putting even more stress on my mom. She also doesn't have money to go, so she keeps fishing to see if either my brother or I bite and give her money.

This whole situation irritates me, and I just want her to go away basically. I hate feeling this inner turmoil of having a love/hate relationship with her. She can be SOO nice, and do so many nice things for all of us, but then she turns around and does something really really stupid or mean. Its exhausting. It makes me feel like I am a terrible sister, and at the same time I feel like I need to learn to set up boundaries with her and I just don't know how. Particularly, how do I keep those boundaries up when she becomes the angelic person she turns into (This Jackel and Hyde thing is no joke!)

Suggestions?

[lucyhoneychurch]

Goodness... . you are really caught in a triangle amongst your mom and your sister and yourself.  I'm so sorry.

The flip/flop aspect of uBPD persons leaves you feeling like the crazy one. They run so hot and cold. So nice and then so cruel.

My late mother was uBPD'd. Yes, nice things then crazy things... . pleasant enough to speak with on the phone one morning, then making insane comments or accusations the next.

Jekyll and Hyde does not allow real connections. J&H personalities leave you ducking for cover when there's no alarm *that* particular moment, yet you know better.

Boundaries aren't about making or getting that other person to do something or not do something. It's an internal thing inside of you, where you tell yourself, and sometimes the J&H individual if you choose to, "The next time [blank] happens, I will leave."  "I will not discuss that with you." "I will only have x phone chats per week" etc.

Boundaries mean you are drawing a safe circle around yourself, and no one and no behavior is going to get in because WE don't let it or them.

If you tell your uBPD, you have to be prepared for showdown = mine didn't believe me, even given several surprising statements by me that I was *done* with those behaviors.

The tables will turn and you will be accused of all sorts of stuff... . you have to suck that up. Labels and accusations won't hurt you like staying in the loop.

They might threaten to tell others or even do so. Let that happen. If anyone really knows you... . they know you.

They won't listen and absorb lies. If they do... . they weren't really friends to start with.

Boundaries are where you finally start getting to call the shots. Not the undependable stormy dodgy J&H anymore.

Sort of like seeing a storm on the weather radar apps and saying, "I'm driving around that." The storm can still chase you, but if you know what the storm is going to do, via boundaries of your own, you can steer clear each time (that's the goal ).

It requires you to hold fast. Not cave in given the next chaotic insanity.

Water off a duck's back and that is easier said than done and takes practice.

If you are living with your uBPD'd it could mean your mother coming to her defense... . you have to be prepared for enabling people to not appreciate your efforts at self-preservation.

The enablers with my mother were such that I eventually broke contact with them as well. They made my life as awful as she did with their manipulative punitive stuff in regards to my NC with her.

It's a tough journey. But you will find you are so much stronger than you think.

And I only wish I had practiced boundaries, been aware of them, so much earlier in my life.

My mother going after my small children was what snapped me out of lethargy. I might've thought I deserved what she heaped on me for decades... . but oh no no no NO not my sweet little kids... . and she fought me, told me she had a RIGHT to "discipline" them - with me standing right there!

No she didn't.

Only in her crazy mixed up head.

And I do mean crazy... . like mentally ill.

So push had to really come to shove.

I chose autonomy, calm, safety vs chaos, hurt, "victimhood."

It's a tough choice. But you can do it.   

[HappyChappy]

4givrnt4gtr

You ask a good question and your sis sounds difficult.

You mentioned how do you keep you boundaries up when they're nice. Personally I use FOG - I no longer Fear them, don't feel Obliged or Guilty. Which means I can easily keep to the boundaries. You did mention Guilt in your post and you allured to Obligation. Loose the FOG then you can loose the BPD.

Remember when dealing with a BPD it's essential to stick to your boundaries them. As a BPD

is like 6 year old kid - you just know they will cross the boundary. But in time (as the theory goes) they will stop.

Before I was NC with my BPD Mom, if she started telling us how to parent, we would simply collect our kids and leave. Every time. My BPD would do her histrionics, "I'm so sorry HC, I won't... . "  We  completely blanked her. Been a long time since she tried to tell us how to parent (my BPD was an appalling parent). My BPD is pathological and way up the scale, so if she can eventually get a message, bet your sis can also.

Alternativly, as a friend of mine would advise - "Have you tried telling her to ___ off yet ?"

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thank you everyone for your replies, they are very helpful.

You are right, I am definitely caught up with the whole FOG thing. Even now, when I am completely fed up and sick of my sister, I feel terrible for feeling that way.

My grandfather passed away today. I am extremely sad, for many reasons, and I am sure so is my mom and my brother. My sister, though, is choosing to treat this like a circus and its driving me crazy. Its like she is enjoying the whole thing, you'd think she is considering whether to take a vacation to the Caribbean instead of going to her grandfather's funeral. She just spent about an hour talking excitedly about how expensive the plane tickets are and how oh gosh if her paycheck had just arrived on time! Once again asking "should I go? shouldn't i? Oh do YOU wanna come with me?"

I swear its like she enjoys turmoil and sadness. It irks me.

Just now she called me again, with the most upbeat tone to ask me if I want to go with her to the church to light a candle (You'd think she had asked me to go to a party with her). Its like all theatrics. I don't get it, and most importantly, I don't like it. I had been reading your responses and took note. I politely but firmly told her I wanted to be alone and did not want to go anywhere. She sounded hurt, said ok and told me she would call me if she decided to fly out after all.

I wish I either didn't feel so much distaste towards her (she really isn't doing anything all that bad, just inappropriate and annoying), or I didn't care whether I like her or not.

Im so so so so so irritated :/

[Louise7777]

Im sorry for your loss, 4givrnt4gtr.

Unfortunately I have seen that in my family too: uBPDs turning funerals about themselves. Its disgusting.

Its particularly triggering to me because I see that not only they dont care, but they turn the focus onto them.

I read this sentence somewhere and I think it fits your situation: histrionics have an inch deep and a mile long feeling. Or something like that. But you know what I mean, all theatricals, so dramatic and then, 5 mins later, all is over.

I can only suggest you dont expose yourself to her, the behaviour is very draining, especially when you are in such a hard place... . My best wishes to you.

[spots]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it is hard but try and take time to grieve on your own and not make this about your sister. My sister is very similar, she gets excited when someone is experiencing hardship, e.g. Her friend going to hospital, I think it makes her feel important a to help someone in need. My suggestion for boundaries is this: your sister may be angry and "angelic" the next moment, but remember she will ALWAYS have BPD. So it is important you keep boundaries up when she is being angelic. Don't spent too much time with her and remember that her mood will change. It's like eating chocolate after you have lost weight; it will taste good at the time, but if you keep eating it excessively you know you will end up back where you started. In other words, be polite, spend some one with her in moderation, but as soon as she plays up, leave and keep your exposure to her within limits you can handle.

Please now take some time to think about your grandfather and grieve for him, this is about him now, not her. Hope this helps. X

[Louise7777]

Spots words reminded me of the Medium Chill technique. I dont have the link, but you can search in the forum. It was the only thing that actually worked for me, when dealing with PDs in general (not only BPDs).

[P.F.Change]

You are right, I am definitely caught up with the whole FOG thing. Even now, when I am completely fed up and sick of my sister, I feel terrible for feeling that way.

Feelings are feelings--they are what they are, neither right nor wrong. It is okay to feel what you are feeling. Anger, frustration, annoyance, etc., are all normal emotions. There's nothing bad about feeling those things, even if it's toward someone in your family or someone you care about. In your family, are people allowed to have feelings and express them? Are you a bad person if you don't like your sister?

She just spent about an hour talking excitedly about how expensive the plane tickets are and how oh gosh if her paycheck had just arrived on time! Once again asking "should I go? shouldn't i? Oh do YOU wanna come with me?"

I swear its like she enjoys turmoil and sadness. It irks me.

One way to look at this is that your sister spent an hour talking like this. Another way to look at it is that you spent an hour listening. 

If your sister has a personality disorder, she is going to behave like someone who has a personality disorder. She will not be someone different; she may not feel confident in her identity or her self, she may seek constant reassurance, she may not be able to consider someone else's feelings consistently--or at all. That is reality. One workshop that really shifted my thinking when I first arrived here is Radical Acceptance for family members. When I read it, I started to understand that my mother was behaving exactly the way I should expect her to behave. She wasn't going to be different, so what needed to change was my own expectations and attitudes. That didn't mean I had to roll over and let her act however she wanted, just that I needed to stop being irritated that she wasn't someone else.

As I said earlier, there is nothing wrong with feeling irritated toward your sister. I think you are right that boundaries will help you here, and it looks like you already have some practice. To me, it sounds like you did a good job here:

I politely but firmly told her I wanted to be alone and did not want to go anywhere. She sounded hurt, said ok and told me she would call me if she decided to fly out after all.

What other kinds of boundaries might help you? It might help to start with a few of the specific behaviors that bother you the most--feeling angry and irritated can often be an indicator that we need to take care of a boundary. For example, when your sister calls you up asking whether she should or shouldn't do something, how do you usually respond? What can you say to let her be responsible for her own choices and their consequences?

These workshops might give you some things to think about as well:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Wishing you peace,

PF