So Close to NC

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I don't feel able to cope with the family dynamics with my father and his wife any longer. I had always idealized my father as my "normal" parent but as I get older I realize his failings, and that he behaves in very narcissistic ways. He and my stepmother got together when I was 4 and it's never been peaceful. I've come to realize the two of them together have used me as a point of conflict/emotional dumping ground since then. A couple of years ago my stepmother goaded on by my stepsister tried to remove him from their apartment. Stepsister has for many years been scamming people, lies about money frequently (and every other topic) and was trying to scam her own mother to sell the apartment which is in her name only so the two of them could buy a large house together. It was never going to happen as stepsister is broke and there would not be enough money from the apartment sale. The only purpose was to cash in the apartment so SS could get at that money (she is very good at extracting all kinds of gifts from her mother). I took my dad to a divorce lawyer and he filed for divorce so he could get a lien on the property, so they were not able to be successful at this. He is 75 with health issues and they were going to put him out on the street. The two of them lied about him having dementia and being abusive, attempting to get me to assist in removing him from the apartment. In reality, SS assaulted him! Both stepmother and SS lied to me about the assault. These kinds of lies have been going on my whole life, but not this bad. They even had SS's 6 year old daughter lying about him, which she did right in front of me. I saw what happened and the kid lied about it. I told stepmother and it was like no reaction, nothing happened. The three of them truly feel ENTITLED to lie about others, there is rage if they are ever confronted with their lies.

Anyways, stepmother and SS eventually had a falling out and stepmother moved back into the apartment with my dad. Over time, they seemed to be "back together" which I've also experienced a few times - she does something god awful, after some time passes they both pretend nothing ever happened and everything's fine. He brings her up a lot in conversation even though I told him I don't want to hear anything about her. I can't forgive people who aren't even sorry! I spent a lot of time taking him back and forth to the lawyers, helping him replace furniture she took, helping him clean out the apartment, and being moral support. I don't understand how he can act like it's fine. They both pretend he was at fault? What happened was so far beyond normal or ok. I don't know what goes on, not my business, I don't care to hear about it.

But the dynamic attempts to continue. My grandmother who's in her 90s had a small stroke and wound up in the hospital. My dad was so frazzled he lost his phone that day (he was the one to take her to the hospital). Stepmother texted me to let me know what happened. I asked her to let my dad know I could pick him up the next day and we could go visit, or to let me know if he needed help with anything. She said he already had plans to go visit with her. They don't have a car so it takes an hour by transit whereas I drive. My stepmother has no relationship with my grandmother so I don't see the need for her to go at all. My grandmother doesn't say anything negative in front of me but I'm pretty sure she's go stepmother's number. I feel that stepmother is only caring about her own ego in this situation and trying to be competitive for my dad's attention. I didn't respond after that.

Fast forward a few days later and I get a text from my dad that sounded irritated, "can you help out at all? Rides, etc?" I asked him if he got my message offering to help a few days ago, of course he did not. Then he said he'd asked stepmother why she didn't pass it on and she said she only received it when they were already in a cab to the hospital. I sent him a screenshot proving it was sent and replied to in the morning before he was even out of bed.

After this he just continues to casually mention stepmother in conversation and it is infuriating me. I find myself dealing with feelings of hatred toward them all for a lifetime of not being defended by a parent. Over and over stepmother sets up situations where he will be forced to choose between us, so she can be chosen. Honestly I want to wash my hands of them.

He may think it's ok for her to lie about me like that (it's about the hundredth time) but I do not, I have had enough. I also don't want to watch what I feel is inevitable, that stepsister will try to get at the money from the apartment again. He's old with health problems, suffered a stroke himself and not as with it as he used to be. I also think he's terrified of being alone. But I am finding it hard to care about someone who doesn't seem to care much about me. I feel like he also wants there to be conflict between stepmother and I, why else would he bring her up all the time? Seriously thinking of explaining it all in an email, with "call me when you're dying" at the end. Honestly part of me feels like the person I loved and thought he was has already died.

[cleotokos]

I don't feel able to cope with the family dynamics with my father and his wife any longer. I had always idealized my father as my "normal" parent but as I get older I realize his failings, and that he behaves in very narcissistic ways. He and my stepmother got together when I was 4 and it's never been peaceful. I've come to realize the two of them together have used me as a point of conflict/emotional dumping ground since then. A couple of years ago my stepmother goaded on by my stepsister tried to remove him from their apartment. Stepsister has for many years been scamming people, lies about money frequently (and every other topic) and was trying to scam her own mother to sell the apartment which is in her name only so the two of them could buy a large house together. It was never going to happen as stepsister is broke and there would not be enough money from the apartment sale. The only purpose was to cash in the apartment so SS could get at that money (she is very good at extracting all kinds of gifts from her mother). I took my dad to a divorce lawyer and he filed for divorce so he could get a lien on the property, so they were not able to be successful at this. He is 75 with health issues and they were going to put him out on the street. The two of them lied about him having dementia and being abusive, attempting to get me to assist in removing him from the apartment. In reality, SS assaulted him! Both stepmother and SS lied to me about the assault. These kinds of lies have been going on my whole life, but not this bad. They even had SS's 6 year old daughter lying about him, which she did right in front of me. I saw what happened and the kid lied about it. I told stepmother and it was like no reaction, nothing happened. The three of them truly feel ENTITLED to lie about others, there is rage if they are ever confronted with their lies.

Anyways, stepmother and SS eventually had a falling out and stepmother moved back into the apartment with my dad. Over time, they seemed to be "back together" which I've also experienced a few times - she does something god awful, after some time passes they both pretend nothing ever happened and everything's fine. He brings her up a lot in conversation even though I told him I don't want to hear anything about her. I can't forgive people who aren't even sorry! I spent a lot of time taking him back and forth to the lawyers, helping him replace furniture she took, helping him clean out the apartment, and being moral support. I don't understand how he can act like it's fine. They both pretend he was at fault? What happened was so far beyond normal or ok. I don't know what goes on, not my business, I don't care to hear about it.

But the dynamic attempts to continue. My grandmother who's in her 90s had a small stroke and wound up in the hospital. My dad was so frazzled he lost his phone that day (he was the one to take her to the hospital). Stepmother texted me to let me know what happened. I asked her to let my dad know I could pick him up the next day and we could go visit, or to let me know if he needed help with anything. She said he already had plans to go visit with her. They don't have a car so it takes an hour by transit whereas I drive. My stepmother has no relationship with my grandmother so I don't see the need for her to go at all. My grandmother doesn't say anything negative in front of me but I'm pretty sure she's go stepmother's number. I feel that stepmother is only caring about her own ego in this situation and trying to be competitive for my dad's attention. I didn't respond after that.

Fast forward a few days later and I get a text from my dad that sounded irritated, "can you help out at all? Rides, etc?" I asked him if he got my message offering to help a few days ago, of course he did not. Then he said he'd asked stepmother why she didn't pass it on and she said she only received it when they were already in a cab to the hospital. I sent him a screenshot proving it was sent and replied to in the morning before he was even out of bed.

After this he just continues to casually mention stepmother in conversation and it is infuriating me. I find myself dealing with feelings of hatred toward them all for a lifetime of not being defended by a parent. Over and over stepmother sets up situations where he will be forced to choose between us, so she can be chosen. Honestly I want to wash my hands of them.

He may think it's ok for her to lie about me like that (it's about the hundredth time) but I do not, I have had enough. I also don't want to watch what I feel is inevitable, that stepsister will try to get at the money from the apartment again. He's old with health problems, suffered a stroke himself and not as with it as he used to be. I also think he's terrified of being alone. But I am finding it hard to care about someone who doesn't seem to care much about me. I feel like he also wants there to be conflict between stepmother and I, why else would he bring her up all the time? Seriously thinking of explaining it all in an email, with "call me when you're dying" at the end. Honestly part of me feels like the person I loved and thought he was has already died.

[Pilpel]

It's really hard to understand what drives our loved ones who remain in a relationship with the PD person.  My brother has been married for almost 20 years, and they still have little kids.  So I can understand him not leaving her, even if she has threatened to leave him.  I went no contact over 4 years ago.  Something that would have given me motivation to stay in contact would have been him reaching out every now and then and acknowledging that she's causing me stress, lying, manipulating, taking advantage.  Like "Hey, I know she's giving you a bad time.  And know that when she says x, she's lying and manipulating.  I'm sorry you and mom are having to deal with this. I don't know how to talk to NPD wife to make this better."  But his complete lack of response or expression of concern for others says to me "I'm putting up with this every day, and I take for granted that you should too."  I think it was about a year before going NC that I had an honest conversation with him, and told him how stressful it has been dealing with her, and he acted completely surprised.  It's like he lacks a sense of empathy or understanding of his surroundings.  Like his wife has been outright cruel to our mom over the years, right in front of him, and I'm not sure if he ever noticed. 

BTW, going NC has been wonderful.  After about 14 years of constantly stressful interactions, going NC was a moment of "Oh, yeah, I had the power to set boundaries for my peace!" We did recently re-negotiate from NC to limited contact.  But I don't feel good about it.  I feel like she's emailing over a lot of little things, and periodically she will call my husband and try to get chummy with him over random things, and I think she is likely trying to gradually charm me into regular contact again.

[cleotokos]

I understand my dad not leaving as well, he's 75 and unwell. He doesn't have much money and there is no social housing available. Subsidized seniors housing has like a 20 year wait list. I have a family of 4 in a 2 bed so I don't have room for him.

He does acknowledge that she is a problem - however I get the feeling that when I'm not around, he says to her that I'm the problem. He WON'T hold her accountable - the best he can do is distribute the blame equally between she and I (taking none for himself, of course). He goes whichever way the wind blows. He tries to anticipate what others want him to say and feel, then does that. That is sad and I know it's due to how he was raised. But I'm running out of empathy. I am very careful to never say anything that might upset him for all my life (my own problem I've been trying to deal with) and it feels like he doesn't consider my feelings. After I helped him when she left, when she came back to the apartment he told me she blamed me for things her daughter had done, things he had done, and that she said I wasn't allowed there (this was tit-for-tat that her daughter was not allowed there anymore after she had assaulted him - another thing I've dealt with all my life, them acting like I should also be punished whenever SS is punished for her actions). Literally all I did was refer him to a good lawyer I knew of (his idea to see a lawyer), take him there, help take stuff out of his house that he didn't want, be there for him.

There is so much more to the story and I have gone NC with him in the past. It hurt me to do so because I'm so, so cautious about his feelings. He sees himself as the victim and I've seen him that way for a long time, but I feel like the veil has been lifted these last 5 years in particular. He has diabetes, heart problems, blood pressure, it seems like he could die at any moment. I understand him putting up and shutting up but at least be honest - don't attempt to normalize any of their behavior. I believe they are actually a physical danger to him, both of them. I am worried about him, but also I am worried about myself and the anger and sadness I keep getting pulled into. I don't want it any more.

[Notwendy]

Are you in the US? If so, your father could be eligible for social security, Medicare, Medicaid. Medicare won't pay for nursing homes but Medicaid does cover them as well as some home health options. Your father may not need these yet, but getting social services involved with him will help - whether or not you choose NC.

I have an elderly BPD mother. She isn't eligible for Medicaid, at the moment but it's been good to know what resources are available for her. I have a friend whose father is in a similar relationship situation as yours is.  He is older- with some health issues- and he's now in a Medicaid subsidized nursing home. What happened is that he went into the hospital for something, had nowhere to go home to, and was placed there.

It's frustrating to be in helper position with disordered family members. My BPD mother seems to sabotage attempts to help her. Why your father stays with your step mother is complicated. I also saw my father as the "normal" one until I did some work on my own co-dependent behaviors and recognized his- that somehow he was a part of the dynamics too.

You can only do as much as you are willing to, but your father is an adult and is responsible for his own choices. You can not control his choices.

For some people, going NC is the correct choice for them. If social services can help, rather than feel he depends on you, that might help.

[Pilpel]

Wow, interesting dynamics with your dad.  My brother was something of the golden child.   But he was super introverted, and very smart.  My mom coddled him, and I looked up to him and respected him for being smarter and wiser.  When he and his wife were having marriage trouble, that was the one time that he was completely open and honest about how tumultuous their marriage was.  But since I cut contact, he seems to be in her corner and trying to act like everything's so much better in their marriage.  And I'm the disruptive one for maintaining my boundaries and pointing out that their attempts to reconcile are full of the same PD'ed guilt and obligation tactics.  I love my brother.  I cried and couldn't sleep for several days when I realized who he was marrying.  And it wasn't like "I don't want to deal with a SIL like that."  I thought better of him, and didn't think he deserved a wife like that.I thought he was too introverted and emotionally reserved for such an irrational and high drama wife. But at some point, I had to re-examine my beliefs and accept that it wasn't an accident that he married an NPD.  There was something in him that connected with her narcissism.  And it's not my problem to the extent that I allowed it to be my problem for so many years.