Mother with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder 15 years ago. I didn't find out until 2.5 years ago. She was in the hospital for something else and my father brought a printed list of her diagnoses to the hospital, and shared it with me like it was common knowledge. I always thought she was just depressed. He knew she had this, but didn't tell us. If I had known, maybe I could have figured some things out sooner. I am 45 years old and my father passed away in September of 2017, 3 months after my mother attempted suicide while he and my brother were in the home with her. He had told her he was leaving her, couldn't take it anymore, so naturally, she attempted suicide. With them in the front room. She called her sister, told her what she was going to do, and hung up, with my poor aunt in a panic, trying to call back, trying to stop my mother from taking her own life. Then she took a bunch of pills and started to die. Right there, in her bedroom, to punish my dad. And my poor brother, who had nothing to do with their relationship problems. She lived. For some reason, dad went into the bedroom to find her foaming at the mouth and called 911. Mom was in the hospital for a long time, and the attempt seemed to have changed her. She seems to be nicer now, less angry. But she was also rediagnosed, with bipolar disorder also, and given new medications. My dad faded after that. He did have COPD, but this was too much for his body to handle. He was 64 years old. He was an amazing person, super creative, musical, funny, and he tolerated her mood swings, suicide attempts, abuse, for their whole marriage. I miss him terribly. I don't know how to process this- my mother's illness or my father's death. Now my mom is out of money and has to sell the house to live on that money, which will eventually run out and I feel responsible for her. WHY? I've offered to buy her house so she can stay there and have a comfortable life, in her own home, with her dogs. She says she can't live without them. She can live without my dad. She never cried when he died. In fact, she told me the other day that she actually cried just recently, about the possibility of my brother moving far away, and losing my dad. When my dad died, I couldn't stop crying for weeks. I was stuck on the couch with no energy, just devastated. I still can't believe he's gone. He was the only normal parent I had, he loved me and told me I am nothing like her. That is my biggest fear, being like my mom. There's no way her illness didn't have a negative effect on me, but I have always wanted to be better than that. I've just wanted normalcy, maybe taken that too far the other way. Honestly, I am really insecure and have a lot of trouble trusting new people. And I really don't want to deal with my mother, although she has been amazingly able to take care of herself since my dad died. He did everything for her, because she made it seem like she couldn't do anything for herself.
Any thoughts or insight are appreciated.

[marisol4]

My mother was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder 15 years ago. I didn't find out until 2.5 years ago. She was in the hospital for something else and my father brought a printed list of her diagnoses to the hospital, and shared it with me like it was common knowledge. I always thought she was just depressed. He knew she had this, but didn't tell us. If I had known, maybe I could have figured some things out sooner. I am 45 years old and my father passed away in September of 2017, 3 months after my mother attempted suicide while he and my brother were in the home with her. He had told her he was leaving her, couldn't take it anymore, so naturally, she attempted suicide. With them in the front room. She called her sister, told her what she was going to do, and hung up, with my poor aunt in a panic, trying to call back, trying to stop my mother from taking her own life. Then she took a bunch of pills and started to die. Right there, in her bedroom, to punish my dad. And my poor brother, who had nothing to do with their relationship problems. She lived. For some reason, dad went into the bedroom to find her foaming at the mouth and called 911. Mom was in the hospital for a long time, and the attempt seemed to have changed her. She seems to be nicer now, less angry. But she was also rediagnosed, with bipolar disorder also, and given new medications. My dad faded after that. He did have COPD, but this was too much for his body to handle. He was 64 years old. He was an amazing person, super creative, musical, funny, and he tolerated her mood swings, suicide attempts, abuse, for their whole marriage. I miss him terribly. I don't know how to process this- my mother's illness or my father's death. Now my mom is out of money and has to sell the house to live on that money, which will eventually run out and I feel responsible for her. WHY? I've offered to buy her house so she can stay there and have a comfortable life, in her own home, with her dogs. She says she can't live without them. She can live without my dad. She never cried when he died. In fact, she told me the other day that she actually cried just recently, about the possibility of my brother moving far away, and losing my dad. When my dad died, I couldn't stop crying for weeks. I was stuck on the couch with no energy, just devastated. I still can't believe he's gone. He was the only normal parent I had, he loved me and told me I am nothing like her. That is my biggest fear, being like my mom. There's no way her illness didn't have a negative effect on me, but I have always wanted to be better than that. I've just wanted normalcy, maybe taken that too far the other way. Honestly, I am really insecure and have a lot of trouble trusting new people. And I really don't want to deal with my mother, although she has been amazingly able to take care of herself since my dad died. He did everything for her, because she made it seem like she couldn't do anything for herself.
Any thoughts or insight are appreciated.

[Harri]

Hi marisol and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us though as many of us here have a parent, and specifically a mother, with BPD or at least BPD traits, some diagnosed and some not.

I am sorry to hear about the passing of your dad in 2017 and of your mom's suicide attempt.  It does sound like he was affected deeply by the experience as I am sure you all were/are. 

I feel responsible for her. WHY?

That is something we talk about a lot here and is something you can explore with us.  What keeps us tied?   Is it a sense of family even though our family was messed up?  Is it fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG)?  We each sort it out for ourself.

She can live without my dad. She never cried when he died.  In fact, she told me the other day that she actually cried just recently, about the possibility of my brother moving far away, and losing my dad.

Everyone grieves differently.  I never really cried about my mothers death until several months ago and she died back in 2007.  My brother on the other hand was devastated and cried from the beginning.  Grief looks different on different people.  It sounds like your fathers passing was pretty significant for you and you were hit with a lot of the emotions all at once.  How are you doing now?  What do you do to remember him?

Honestly, I am really insecure and have a lot of trouble trusting new people. And I really don't want to deal with my mother, although she has been amazingly able to take care of herself since my dad died. He did everything for her, because she made it seem like she couldn't do anything for herself.
Any thoughts or insight are appreciated.

Again, and not to minimize, but you are not alone in struggling with feeling insecure and having trouble trusting people.  So many of us do and of course it is to be expected because of what we grew up with.  I agree with you that we do not get out of such a childhood without some issues.  The good news is that we can change and learn new ways to be and we can learn to build trust.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having to live with the hurt and frustration of having a mother with BPD. You loved your dad, and feel that your mother's behaviors stressed your father out so much that he died earlier than he would have from COPD. My wonderful brother has been dead for many years, and I feel that he died in part to escape my mother with BPD/NPD. My mother treated my brother so badly when he was dying that social services had to get involved. It has been many years since my brother's death, and I still grieve how sad it is to see him gone, and how my father whom I loved so dearly was a slave to my mother's ongoing meltdowns. My mother did not cry when either my father or brother passed away. I can imagine all the overwhelming feelings that are coming up for you now that you are trying to help your mother who has been so destructive and uncaring, while grieving for your father who you miss so deeply. Can you name all the feelings that you are feeling, and describe the thoughts connected to them? There can be a lot of discomfort about feeling the way we do about how our mother with BPD has impacted our lives and other family members. If we express all the feelings as they come up, no matter how insignificant the feelings may seem at the time (even the guilt we may harbor about not loving our mother or doing enough for her like we may think we are supposed to), we can alleviate a lot of the emotional pain for the day, and more easily move on to having a more fulfilling life as time goes on. Harri is voicing what many of us have learned through the years of dealing with our family members with BPD: "The good news is is that we can change and learn new ways to be and we can learn to build trust." On this site,there are many articles,  posts by other members, and tools that have been very helpful to many members who are very familiar with the distress of having to constantly deal with a mother and/or other family members with BPD. Keep us posted on how you are doing. There are many caring members who are here to listen and understand how you are feeling and will help in any way they can.

[DharmaGate]

Marisol,  

Wanted to join Harri and Zachira in welcoming you.  Not always easy to make that first post and reach out, so glad you did, it helps all of us.

Glad you are here
Respectfully, DG