If I'm going to Stay, I need to find a Therapist Experienced with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I love this girl. Seven years now and a fiancé, but living separately.  I just knew something was wrong but was not sure what it was. I spent many hours, days and months researching possibilities on the internet. I took notes, read and searched and read and searched some more. In an article, I came across a statement about BPD. Made a note of it and kept reading, mostly about thyroid issues, alcohol use issues, menopause symptoms and bipolar disorder. None of the symptoms quite matched hers. Then I went back and read about BPD and WOW, Bingo! The exceptions are, she is not suicidal (that I know of) and does not self-harm. So is she or isn’t she?

She recently looked inside a folder on my desk and found printouts about BPD from various websites (but not bpdfamily). She was very upset, took the folder and read all the documents. I told her I think there is something wrong “with both of us” and we need to look into therapy. She is in total denial and unaware of her behavior, (Anosognosia?)

I am well aware that I am not qualified to diagnose anyone with anything, but in my mind, I see her as being a Transparent, High Functioning and Undiagnosed person with BPD.

Things calmed down for a week or two them the roller coaster ride started up again. So we had a heated discussion and then she agreed to see a counselor (really a therapist) but wants to research them before she agrees to go.

But, since then, I lost my patience and have not made contact with her in over two weeks. So, I need to figure out if I’m going to call it quits or not.

If I decide to try and help her/us, I need to try to find a Therapist (Not sure what kind) but of course they MUST be familiar with and be able to work with a pwBPD. How do I find one and interview them before committing to their treatment?

What Should I Do?

[WhatShouldIDo]

Hi,

I love this girl. Seven years now and a fiancé, but living separately.  I just knew something was wrong but was not sure what it was. I spent many hours, days and months researching possibilities on the internet. I took notes, read and searched and read and searched some more. In an article, I came across a statement about BPD. Made a note of it and kept reading, mostly about thyroid issues, alcohol use issues, menopause symptoms and bipolar disorder. None of the symptoms quite matched hers. Then I went back and read about BPD and WOW, Bingo! The exceptions are, she is not suicidal (that I know of) and does not self-harm. So is she or isn’t she?

She recently looked inside a folder on my desk and found printouts about BPD from various websites (but not bpdfamily). She was very upset, took the folder and read all the documents. I told her I think there is something wrong “with both of us” and we need to look into therapy. She is in total denial and unaware of her behavior, (Anosognosia?)

I am well aware that I am not qualified to diagnose anyone with anything, but in my mind, I see her as being a Transparent, High Functioning and Undiagnosed person with BPD.

Things calmed down for a week or two them the roller coaster ride started up again. So we had a heated discussion and then she agreed to see a counselor (really a therapist) but wants to research them before she agrees to go.

But, since then, I lost my patience and have not made contact with her in over two weeks. So, I need to figure out if I’m going to call it quits or not.

If I decide to try and help her/us, I need to try to find a Therapist (Not sure what kind) but of course they MUST be familiar with and be able to work with a pwBPD. How do I find one and interview them before committing to their treatment?

What Should I Do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Much as we feel, as nons, that we want the diagnosis so it confirms that we really weren't imagining all this, it's really not the diagnosis that helps. The pwBPD has to want to get help, and sadly, much as we know they need it, that doesn't always happen. My BPDh is in DBT now, which I thought was great, but he's really not gotten much better.

I got in therapy for ME however, to deal with all this, and come up with a plan where I can work on myself, and stop letting all this bother me, and that has worked REALLY well. Mostly because I'm working on me, which is the only thing I can truly control. The marriage still has issues, BPDh still is frequently mad or rude, hateful or dysregulated, but I feel better, and more able to deal with all of it.

[OnceConfused]

my xBPDgf did not self harm either.  She was never formal diagnosed with BPD but for me after reading "stop walking on eggshells", I knew then I was in way over my head.  After only about 6 weeks of being w xBPDgf, I got so confused by her bizarre behaviors to the point I had to seek professional T. Luckily for me, the T, who happened to have dealt w BPD in her first case as T, recognized the problem and just gently told me to "research BPD" and"this is a very risky relationship".

I did lots of reading and still thought I could stay, just because of the attaching mind. But with times, I came to a conclusion that she cannot change and to save myself I must leave the r.s... The leaving turned out to be the best decision of my life.

I have gained a lot by leaving. 9 years later, I can tell you I am a much happier man now. I found my now wife about 6 months after BPD, my now wife just gives me so much happiness and peace. I am not afraid of being stabbed in the back as I was with xBPDgf.

I often still have cold sweats thinking what would happen to me, my children (from previous marriage, I was a widower), and my business , had I stayed with BPD.

Your attaching mind will keep you in the r.s, because it would rather see the predictable PAIN and not the unknown future. You have to write down the lists of the positives and negatives about this r.s . You have to let your logical mind win over the attaching heart with facts and not feelings.

Comparing the list of positives and negatives will help you see the r.s for what it really is. WIth that analysis, you will be able to see whether it is worth your additional time and efforts or it is time to move on.

The fact that your BPD does not acknowledge her BPD is NORMAL. Because to them, they are normal and the nons really are the one that have all the faults. That is why she was mad at you.

Be aware that we have to know our weaknesses before we can change them, but with BPD, they don't think their weaknesses are theirs. Their weaknesses are results of the nons behaviors. Thus, therapy might not work, since they don't really think the problem is theirs.

[WhatShouldIDo]

Ceruleanblue,

I admire your strength and patience for trying to keep the marriage together. My BPDso and I tried pre-marriage counseling for our "communication" difficulties before I discovered what BPD was. The counselor gave us techniques to use that I later learned were validation techniques. They were not effective in my case.

I read some articles on the success rates of DBT. The reviews were mixed but had negative leanings.

I tried to use some of the tools on this site to "End the Cycle of Conflict". I was able to deal with it for a while like you but eventually I lost my patience. Maybe I should try harder. I don't know.

[WhatShouldIDo]

OnceConfused,

  Thank you so much for suggesting writing down the positives and negatives and to let my logical mind win over the attaching heart with facts and not feelings. I used to use the "Pros and Cons" list technique for making important tough decisions in my life in the past but just did not think about doing it now. I'll get on that.

  It is nice to hear things turned out well for you. It gives me hope, if I decide to leave.

I am not familiar with the term "attaching mind" but everything you stated makes a lot of sense. Thank You.

[OnceConfused]

the "attaching mind" is often used in the yoga world, Buddhism and in psychotherapy as a way to seek nirvana or to relieve our suffering.

In a way, that is the "attaching mind" that cause the bizarre behaviors in BPD. their mind creates these imaginary feelings then the mind attaches to them and make realities.

It is the attaching mind that makes many of the NONs here stay, even though they are not happy.

The late Wayne Dyer, my favorite new age teacher, said it beautifully :

"Have a mind that is open to everything, but attaches to NOTHING."

[unicorn2014]

Hi What Should I Do 

While I can't answer your question I can tell you that a person does not need to be suicidal or self harm to be borderline, and they can also have traits without having full blown borderline. My understanding is that it can be hard to find a therapist to treat borderline depending on the area you live in, however there are some well known in patient treatment centers that would probably be able to refer you to professionals in your area. A person has to know they have a problem and want to get better in order to apply themselves to treatment, which for people with BPD is dbt. It doesn't sound like your fiance is at that stage yet, if I am reading you correctly. You can still get help for yourself if you are not in therapy. It might give you the time and space you are looking for to help you decided what you want to do about your relationship.

[WhatShouldIDo]

Onceconfused,

  Thank you for the explanation of "attaching mind". The human mind and human behavior are so complex. How helpful it would have been to have taken courses in psychology.

[townhouse]

I've been going through a lot of trauma with my partner of 13 years uBPD and I am currently trying to find more understanding of this problem.

WhatShouldIDo. In your first post here you mentioned the word 'Anosognosia' and when I looked it up a whole new aspect as to my partners disability opened up for me. That he is unaware of himself is the key. How to act on this knowledge is of course another thing.

Also my thanks to Once confused and the explanation about "attaching mind".

In my online searches of the above terms I also came across 'thiamine /B1 deficiency in alcoholics. My partner was a very heavy drinker for 20 years and has just stopped drinking for a month. I guess much of the damage done to his brain by the alcohol has lead to what amounts to what I have been observing "that he is getting worse" in his BPD behaviours. Many of the symptoms are there... .confusion, irritability, memory loss of things said.  Very complex problem and as you say WhatShould, we are not qualified to diagnose anything. Still really reinforces to me that this is a "disease" , a medical problem. Which in turn brings up the ethical problems of should I stay or should I go.

[WhatShouldIDo]

unicorn2014,

  I believe you are correct. I believe my BPDso has traits without having full blown borderline. I also do not think she is ready for therapy because she doesn't recognize she has a problem. As you and Ceruleanblue suggested, I probably should look into therapy for myself if I decide to stay to better learn to handle the behavior which I feel is directed at me but I should learn to ignore. Thank you.

[OnceConfused]

Therapy will help to find out more about the underlying reasons for your attachment and why you feel the way the you feel. It will not solve the underlying problem. So what is the underlying problem(s)?

1. BPD behaviors. BPD has to know also or be aware that their behaviors (a) has caused pain in others, (b) what triggered the internal feeling that led to the behaviors.

2. BPD engage in some way of therapy so that they can take control of those internal feelings and not translate into triggers

The nons alone cannot solve the problem because the NONs did not create it. It takes 2 to tango, be it in a BPD relationship or even the normal one.

Don't fall into the fallacy of "if the nons go to therapy, the r.s will magically be perfect".

[WhatShouldIDo]

 I agree that there are definitely triggers that set off my BPDso. She tells me that certain things I say or the WAY I say them make her upset. I just do not know when or what I am about to say will trigger her. I do know that alcohol, beer, wine or liquor sets her up for an episode. It doesn't take much. I can count on that. Unfortunately, efforts to ask her to quit or cut back on drinking have been unsuccessful. But it isn't just when she has a few drinks, it can be anytime that she goes off.

I watched a good video on this site within the article called, "Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy".

The video is called "I am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help-Dr. Xavier Amador-Part I". There is a great discussion all about "Anosognosia". Take note; The author uses the example of Schizophrenia, but these principles apply to Borderline Personality Disorder as well. (I am sorry if posting links back to this website is not allowed. It is hard to find the video.)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

When I watched the video, I started to feel sympathy for my BPDso because, even though she was aware that there are triggers in what I say or how I say them to her, I realized what I believed all along, that she was not aware of her behavior. When I accuse her of being disrespectful, (I know I should not be doing this) she always asks me, "What did I say? Tell me what I said." I tell her "It's not what you said, it's how you said it". So, like most folks, I walk on egg shells trying not to say the wrong thing.

I found that in the mornings when we wake up, it's like nothing happened the night before. It's amazing. A good nights rest seems to cure her, for the time being anyway. Or maybe it's not the rest, it's like she had her temper tantrum and got it out of her system. Either way, in the morning, it's like the episode never happened.

[OnceConfused]

in the morning, it's like the episode never happened

Well, the problem is the episode does not go away , it is just in hiding for a few hours. that is way it is so hard to deal with BPD. the moment you think, oh the storm is over and she is in a good mood, the next storm is just right behind.

BPD is the inability of a person to control their emotions. You and I can feel angry when someone cut us off in the traffic, but we can quickly see that the anger and the road rage are just stupid because we could end up being in a accident or dead. So we move on. But to BPD that anger just builds up and builds up and BPD has to lash out to relieve the pressure.

How many times in a day, we feel things are not going our way, but you and I are able to say , it is no big deal. But to BPD, they turn every little mole hills into mountains.

AFter so many months and years of lashing out at people , BPD has become accustomed to the feeling that what they say or lash out, are not their problems , the problems are the other persons. 

Talking about walking on eggshells, My xBPDgf became upset and scolded me for eating my soup TOO LOUDLY and if I ever did it again, we would have to sit at different tables. WOW... .She called my children, b*tches, and so I said, excuse me what did you say. She repeated that again, and said that was no big deal. How can it be no big deal when you call your potential step daughters , b*tches, and what would happen when you are actually the step mother and say such a thing?