Hey RN123456, glad you found the group. You're definitely in the right place for support and listening ears. So many members here have experienced challenging relationships like yours -- the "it's like she's two people" idea is very familiar.
I want to commend you for reaching out for help, not only here, but also with a therapist of your own. I also noticed in your post that you're open to trying new tools and skills, and that mindset can take you far if you're interested in trying to change the dynamics in your relationship.
Admittedly, LDRs (long distance relationships) are challenging even if the partner doesn't have a PD (personality disorder). That being said, nothing in your post seemed to indicate "it's totally hopeless" or "there's nothing you can do".
When we start using tools, we are necessarily not the most skilled with them, and our ability to skillfully use a tool improves as we get more feedback on our use. Kind of like if you held a hammer for the first time, and tried to hammer with the side of the head -- ok, it sort of works, but there is a change you can make that makes it more effective.
That's the vibe I'm getting from your post. You totally are open to using some tools, but they haven't seemed to work super well so far -- she often just escalates. Not helpful.
Validation is like learning to use that hammer. When you get some feedback, you can keep using the same tool/idea in a more skillful and effective way. This is an incredible group for walking you through those interactions and showing you "hey, that text she sent about babies? What if you tried this other reply instead?"
How is all that sounding to you so far?
I hope you have a peaceful night tonight and are able to do something really caring for yourself.
Write back whenever works for you;
kells76
I want to thank you so much for your kind words. It often feels so hopeless at times and like there's literally two different people I am talking to.
The analogy of hitting a nail with a hammer really struck home. For instance this is one of our conversations from last night:
Her: Good Night
Her: Hope you enjoyed your evening
Her: Mine was awful
Her: I will not call you tomorrow
Her: And I will not watch our show
Me: Good Night baby, I love you always. I know your evening was awful, is there anything I can do to help?
Her: I can never talk to you
Her: You can never help because you can't deny any of it.
Me: What do you mean, can you tell me why?
Her: Its all **** true
Me: I know you're hurting baby, I don't want to take away from that. And it's very, very hard sitting through those conversations for you.
Her: I'm not talking about the **** conversations.
Her: I'm talking about your **** experiences with her. (her being my exwife)
Her: Being with her in **** labor.
Her: I'm not **** hurting
Her: And all you do is be **** condensing
Her: I **** hate everyone
Me: I love you so much.
Me: Please cuddle "Stuffed Animal" she has from me (Its kind of her "safety blanket")
Her: You're **** unhelpful
Her: You actually make me worse not better so thank you
Me: I'm here for you, always. You're absolutely right. I hardly ever know what to say. I am always here for you though, don't forget that. Just a text or phone call away.
Her: You never are.
This kind of goes back and forth for a few more minutes until I decide enough was enough and she's crossed the line. In therapy I've been able to identify that what she does turns into abuse quickly and then it's time for me to just disengage. Working with my therapist the best way that seems to work is to just ignore her, but tell her why:
Me: Good night, I love you. If you want to talk, please give me a ring and I'll check my phone. Right now all I'm doing is making you angry. So I'm going to take a pause on texting for a bit.
Few more insightful bits from her.
Me: I'm not going to be talked to like that. I love you and I'm here, good night, I love you.
Those texts started at 9:07pm and ended around 9:23pm for reference. One of her "things" (is there a better word?" when she becomes dysregulated is that she will send a flurry of texts. During the day I'll purposely delay my responses a bit to get her to slow down.
Then 23 more messages berating me for the next 15minutes.
This morning I woke up to this (all from her). The numbers are the time stamp.
5:00am: That's all you are capable of.
5:01: You couldn't even deny anything I said.
5:16: I don't think I'll get through another two months, knowing you won't help me.
6:43: Maybe you think you're protecting me. But I think you are trying to protect yourself.
6:43: I don't think I can do this.
6:43: I wish I could act like it doesn't matter, that I'm fine knowing you've been through all that with her. But I'm not.
6:44: I don't know how to be, I'm triggered everyday.
6:47: You can't even help me when I'm desperate.
6:47: You can't even help me.
7:02: I was in a really dark place last night, I'm not in a good place this morning either. But it felt like you were trying to just brush me a side like nothing was wrong.
7:19: I do acknowledge I'm **** up, but I don't know what to do.
7:31: I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge how calm you were last night, I wish I had called.
7:41: She called me.
We talked for all of 10 minutes before she hung up on me. I sent her:
I love you, I'll text you in a couple hours to check in. And we can call again after work.
Her: I don't know if you'll ever help me.
Her: **** you
Her: We won't call
Her: I tried
Her: You failed me.
She sent those 5 texts within the span of 30seconds.
She also has a bit of a pattern to her behavior when she's being ignored, or sends the morning texts. It starts out as "I hate you," turns into "I hate myself" then ends with "I'm so sorry." and normally after the sorry portion is when she will actually try to reach out via a call. But I've come to learn she's still dysregulated. For instance this morning, during our 10-minute talk. She didn't speak. She only texted me in response.
The one validation I refuse to give her, is she wants me to admit to certain things that occurred in my marriage. "I already experienced it all, I was always there for my ex-wife, I've already bought all the baby items, already experienced a baby, already had a first child, already had pictures on the wall." This is one of the boundaries I've been working on my therapist with is establishing that talking about my previous relationship is not healthy for either her or mine mental state. Previously I let GF get way too far into the weeds of my previous relationship thinking I was helping her. It wasn't until we hit a breaking point that I realized, through the help of the therapist, I was actually enabling her.
Thinking now and typing this out, GF did send me a message yesterday. One of her big fears is I'll choose my exwife and leave GF for exwife. I'm not sure if I should try and craft that into a validating statement? I seem to be missing the mark on every emotions I try to identify. She will rarely, if ever, tell me what she is really feeling and leaves me to guess. According to her, I always am wrong. GF will act she is fine, when obviously she's not. Probably the most frustrating part for me. I want to support her but it becomes impossible when she won't even tell me what she is really feeling.
