Please need encouragement, fading fast...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

WOW, the #$@* is hitting the fan tonite... he left 3 weeks ago, and now is texting me about how he is making a list of all of our possessions and how to divide them up. I said I am working late tonight, you have a key,  just come and take what you need,  but give me a heads up, as I dont walk in on people and would appreciate the same courtesy.  Rage, verbal vomit... . "this whole relationship has been nothing but a train wreck with you. I am coming Saturday with a moving van to empty your garage"... . blah, blah... . I'm torn between being here to make sure he only takes his stuff, but would rather not be here if he gets in my face. What should I do?

[topknot]

WOW, the #$@* is hitting the fan tonite... he left 3 weeks ago, and now is texting me about how he is making a list of all of our possessions and how to divide them up. I said I am working late tonight, you have a key,  just come and take what you need,  but give me a heads up, as I dont walk in on people and would appreciate the same courtesy.  Rage, verbal vomit... . "this whole relationship has been nothing but a train wreck with you. I am coming Saturday with a moving van to empty your garage"... . blah, blah... . I'm torn between being here to make sure he only takes his stuff, but would rather not be here if he gets in my face. What should I do?

[Mutt]

WOW, the #$@* is hitting the fan tonite... he left 3 weeks ago, and now is texting me about how he is making a list of all of our possessions and how to divide them up. I said I am working late tonight, you have a key,  just come and take what you need,  but give me a heads up, as I dont walk in on people and would appreciate the same courtesy.  Rage, verbal vomit... . "this whole relationship has been nothing but a train wreck with you. I am coming Saturday with a moving van to empty your garage"... . blah, blah... . I'm torn between being here to make sure he only takes his stuff, but would rather not be here if he gets in my face. What should I do?

I'm sorry for what you're going through. These emotional rollercoasters are difficult. He's throwing up FOG. Stick to your boundaries and  try not to let his drama affect you at work or personal life. I don't think it's wise to have him have access. You don't know what he may do. Do you have a family member or friend that can be with you if you decide to be there? That should put his acting out in check. This type of behavior is usually only witnessed behind closed doors with no one else looking in. Can you have whatever he needs sent to him? Hang in there.

[Theo41]

As I see it, if you want to avoid having him in ur face, you need not to be there. Choices would be to leave before he arrives and have all his stuff in the garage and lock the doors to the house so he can't go into the main house and take or do damage to ur belongings. A second option would be to go but leave the doors open, allowing him to take what he needs. A third option would be to put his stuff in the garage-all of it ( avoid the scenario where he says "I want the easy chair and it's not out here. " ) Stay in the house with as much support as u can get ( police, friends, family, etc. ). Lock the doors and don't let him in.

I like the idea also, of making a trip to the police station and giving them a heads up on what's happening. Get a phone number from them to call if u need help. Maybe u will get lucky and they end up placing a patrol car nearby while he's at the house. Please stay out of harms way, possession can be replaced. U can't.  And once he's out don't let him back in.  Even if you think want to reconcile, don't do anything for 6 months to a year. All best wishes to you. Theo

[topknot]

Thank you both for your quick replies. You brought up some points I didn't think about.  Can you explain more about how FOG applies here? I am not very familiar with that whole concept.

[Mutt]

Thank you both for your quick replies. You brought up some points I didn't think about.  Can you explain more about how FOG applies here? I am not very familiar with that whole concept.

Emotional blackmail. There's fear and guilt in FOG. Fear Obligation and Guilt.

"this whole relationship has been nothing but a train wreck with you. I am coming Saturday with a moving van to empty your garage"

He is projecting when he is blaming you about the r/s failing and throwing around guilt.

Emotional blackmail when he threatens in cleaning out the garage because he's not getting his way.