I've been disowned by my BPD adult daughter

[bpdexhausted]

It's been my worst fear - that my daughter would disown me - and it has finally happened. This includes not being able to see my grandchildren. I have been on the receiving end of some cruel, vicious and abusive text messages.  My whole body is in pain. I feel there is some transference going on in her text messages - that I am being accused of the very things she is doing and saying to me. I think she is seeing a therapist and that's a good thing obviously but she believes that in her therapy she has come to the conclusion that I was (am?) an abusive &  negligent mother.  There definitely IS some distance and lack of affection in our relationship and for me that is because I am so wary of her. In truth her behaviour has been "difficult" for 25 years and I believe in my heart of hearts that although I may not have been a perfect parent, I did my best.  The irony is I'm a mental health nurse and have probably more experience and knowledge of BPD than the average person. Not that it's doing me any good. Though I read much of the valuable resources and information on this site, particularly about communication, I am left speechless at the things I am accused of. If I do X she perceives me as wrong. If I do Y I'm also wrong. If I do nothing I'm still wrong. So far I have not responded to the latest barrage of extremely nasty text messages as I feel nothing I say will make a difference. My partner of 5 years read this last stream of text messages and is completely floored at the cruelty involved and the vindictiveness they contained. He helped me through an extremely difficult day and I thank him for that. This forum is the ONLY place I can talk about this stuff as most people would be gobsmacked trying to make sense of my relationship with my daughter. Yours in pain.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beady]

I have an adult 33 year old daughter who has not communicated with me in any way since Dec. 2016. She has caused me so much pain over the years, and I have/had tried my best to be a good mother. But to no avail. I am stuck in the same situation as you, I can't manage to do the right thing, even if I do/say nothing. She as well blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life, even though I did my best to expose her to different choices available to her and let her decide what she could do with her life. My one saving grace is that there are no children involved. And she does have a long term partner who has somehow managed to stick by her side. I am thankful for that. We did see a therapist to help guide us in our response to her criticisms, and the bottom line was to not give her the power by seeming needy for her response to our e-mails, etc... .go NC for a few months, then try a quick, general 'how are you' message. You can't force them to come back to you, no matter how much you try. And don't beat yourself up over the past. It can't be changed, and one thing I know is that BPD's love to look to the past for blame at how their lives have unfolded. And as most of know, you will never move forward until you let the past go and look to the future. As near as I can figure, it's a waiting game. At some point, they will need you. And like all mothers that love their children, we will take them back, and work towards making peace between us. Until our BPD children become serious about getting therapy ( and this despite them feeling they are OK, it's everyone else that has the problem), it will be a life fraught with differing versions of various life events than we have. My advice is to try to carve out some time to do things that make you happy. Hobbies, reading, travel.  It's difficult to do, but it gets a bit easier as time goes on. We all feel your pain and hurt. Take some measure of comfort that you are not alone.

[Feeling Better]

Hi BPDexhausted

I got quite emotional reading your post as it brought back those feelings that I know so well.

Like you, my worst fear was that my son would disown me, that he could possibly 'disappear off the face of the earth', he would never contact me ever again and I would never ever see him again. Every worst scenario out there, you name it, I imagined every single one. All this negativity impacted on my own health. The dreaded day when my son walked out of my life came almost a year ago now and at that time I became an emotional wreck.

Thankfully I found this site. It has helped me more than I can say. I have found a way to survive something that I thought would be impossible to survive and you will reach that point too. It won't happen overnight but little by little you will get there.

As a matter of interest, I was just wondering - have you by any chance read the article on this site about emotional memory management? I found it to be an amazing article and very enlightening.

My thoughts are with you x

[js friend]

Hi BPDexhausted,

I certainly know your pain as my dd22 has cut me off several times from seeing my grandkids since each of their births.  

The pain is very real and it hurts very deeply... .I cant imagine how the grandkids must be feeling to just have no contact just like that... Eldest gd who is still quite young was ver, very upset after we reunited after the last separation but dd didnt seem affected at all to see gd like that.
During  separtaion dd usually tells all who will listen times that I was terrible parent who never bonded with dd due to MY mood swings. I know that is total projection on dd's part as we were so close when dd was growing up that people used to refer to her as being my shadow!  So i dont put them straight because I know the truth... .and I know my dd. She has to find someone to blame for her behaviour. And now Iam  a terrible grandparent who is  unfit to look after them because of these supposed mood swings, then it changes back to that she has no concerns about me looking after the kids and they love being with me when she resurfaces again (because she needs to have break from them)... .And so It has gone on and on since they have been born. I notice it happens more when dd has a new man in her life and wants to play happy famillies, or she has new friends who she is totally wrapped up in and feels she can ask to take care of the kids for her.
At the moment she has no man around and no friends for that matter so iam back to seeing the kids more regulary.

The thing that I would suggest during this time of separation is to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. It is important to cry if you need to cry or get angry if you need to get angry... It is ok to feel sad. I think depression when this happens is quite normal but it is talked about. I thought my heart would break the last time dd cut me off from seeing my grandkids as it was months before i saw them again, but I what found  worked was to let her know directly or indirectly  that I was still here but at the same time kept my distance.

I dont know if your dd is like mine, but my dd is all about having total power and control so begging and pleading to see my grandkids wouldnt have worked in my favour. I just gave her space, and in the end it just became a waiting game.

  to you.

[bpdexhausted]

thank you to those who replied to my post. I am heartened by your words. Yes I am taking this time to look after myself as you suggested.  I know we all have our crosses to bear and that's called life but I am so appreciative of this site and your responses as it breaks the isolation (and pain) somewhat. May we all find some peace in the crossfire. Bless. BPD exhausted

[CanadianMom]

Hello BPDexhausted

My daughter is 25, decided she wanted to move to a large city to peruse her arts career.  Over the last 7 years she has went to, dropped out of  college, moved overseas, moved back, went to and dropped out of university. During this time she has been back and forth with her interest in having me in her life.  I have supported her fully during this time. When she arrived I flew down and outfitted her apt. She has been in her new city for over a yearyear.  For the past three months I have not sent her money, as she told me she no longer needed it.  Within the first week she called and wanted me to buy her a new bike, as the one I has bought her and shipped to her needed repair, she felt since I offered to pay for the repair she would just prefer a new bike.  I said no and so she put it on her credit card.  She decided she no longer wanted to live in the apt and refused to pay rent. After two months she put her things in storage and left. She has me on a need to know basis and only shares a little with me. She decided. It to get a place to live but to save her unemployment money and live on people's couches to save for a camper so she can travel. She is self medicating, has recently been picked up for shop lifting, and now is of no fixed address.  She will not return phone calls or texts and I view her Facebook almost hourly to see if she is still alive.  She does not have any current friends and is staying with people she just meets.  I have been advised that I must stop rescuing her and let her live her circumstances. I have started to go to a local BPD group, for BPD friends of, or family.   I was the last person in her family that was supporting her. She has crossed out her dad, her step dad, her brother is not interested in her drama, now me, and all the friends she used to have are no longer around. She has also decided that she is functioning fine and it is others including me that need therapy.  She has called me horrible things and has accused me of abuse.  I am blessed with a wonderful partner, and a healthy son.  However I am quite stunted by the sorrow and bewilderment of her hate.  I am trying to hold off for a week before I reach out again.  Reading people's responses does help me feel less alone.
My heart breaks for you, I do feel your pain.  Thank you for sharing.

[Nana needs help]

This situation sounds so familiar and for that I'm grateful. It is so hard to talk to work friends and family about my situation with my daughter and grandchildren because it just sounds ridiculous- almost like I make it up. I haven't had a real conversation with my daughter for years. We mostly only communicate through text messages even though she live 10 minutes away. When I see my grandkids it's done through her ex-husband. I'm at my wits end about what I can do - after all this time and therapy for myself I still wait for the day that we can have a mother/daughter relationship and I can see the kids involved in normal activity. She prevents them from living normal happy lives and is very irregular in sending them to school. She is on noitice from the school.

[missymoo]

To all mothers who have been rejected by their BPD daughter and never see their grandchildren:
I hear you, feel for you, your life reflects mine.
I have Alzheimer's and find it hard to go on site to get my replies.
I live in Southern California.
We are all sister's and I welcome your friendship. xoxox

[Woody59]

Hi All:
It is so helpful to know one is not alone. My BPD D is on the verge of cutting us off.  While I don't want this to happen, I can't take the regular drama and trauma that has been ongoing in our relationship and have had the unpleasant thought that maybe we do need a separation. She also interferes with my marriage and my relationship with my other daughter (who is younger and suffered a lot growing up but is just coming to understand this). It is so sad. I , like most others here, would never claim to have been the perfect mother, but I gave so much to this child and did everything I could for her. I have lost friends and had difficulties with other family members over her behavior. There has to be a better balance--a relationship that is supportive enough for this needy daughter but separate enough for my emotional health.
I do think we have to take care of ourselves or we can't take care of anyone else.

[Sophie 72]

Hello. I know this was posted 1 million years ago, but I can’t believe how much I identify with it.
Full disclosure, when last I was involved, my daughter had been diagnosed with a cluster B personality disorder. She hasn’t spoken to me for sometime, but last time they weren’t sure if it was borderline or narcissistic. I am a medical professional, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, and I only have an associates degree in psychology. But I believe it’s BPD.

I have read many things involving parents who have been disowned by their children. I have four children. I have one daughter and she has turned on me completely. Disowned me. She has decided not to invite me to her wedding which is now in six months.

Many things I have read insist that a child would not disown a parent for anything, but the greatest reasons. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, extreme emotional abuse. I have read that even if a parent does not remember any of it, even if the other children have no recollection of it, it must’ve happened, because the child who believes them self to be a victim is never wrong?

I am a mother, obviously, I have been a daughter. I know daughters can be wrong. However, I have turned my brain inside out and beat myself up mentally for over a year trying to figure out  what in the world I did.

To people, I don’t know very well, my daughter has told some ridiculous lies. But to her siblings, she has simply reiterated things that I have done wrong. Like, sometimes I took the twins to school late and they were tardy. This was true, but not enough to ever get a notification from the school board. The twins are nearly 23 now, I stopped driving them to school myself when they were around 12. My daughter said I had a short temper sometimes. I guess that is fair! I have been a widow since I was 30, alone with 4 kids, on my own. I worked 80 hour shifts running 2 EMS stations. Mind you, my occasional “short temper“ never involved physical violence or vicious name-calling. Sometimes I would just be like “what? Kids, I need some time to myself! “. I wish I had never done that, but her siblings don’t hate me for that at all.

When they all grew up and went to college, I became a nun. My daughter was not keen on that. She herself I converted to Judaism while still in high school. I was supportive of her because I was happy that she was taking an interest in her, spiritual life.

Although I have been somewhat authoritative, I guess, I have been basically a liberal parent supporting my kids in anything they wanted to do, I would say, especially my daughter.

She was always a little short tempered with me. She was competitive, but I never understood why. Of course, I wanted her to have a better life than me, be prettier and smarter and happier.
But now she says that she “doesn’t have a mother”. After her father passed away his side of the family  ignored us. But she has decided to have the wedding with them, which is both a public humiliation to me (as she’s been saying I’m a horrible mother) as well as a heartbreak.

First, she called me and hung up on me. Then she gave me the silent treatment and would not reply to any of my requests to talk to her or to find out what was wrong. Then she blocked me from social media and got some people from her father’s family to do the same.

I am mentioning it here, because I’m afraid that many forms would just tell me that I have mentally and emotionally blocked out horrible things that I MUST have done to her in the past. They would say, I have forgotten them, all three of her siblings have forgotten them, all our friends, family and extended family have forgotten them. But she is right. She must be right.

 But I have finally allowed myself to know, after 14 months of agony, that her illness is worse than we thought. I may not have been a perfect mother, but I gave it my all and my love for my children is unconditional.

My worry is that I will not be able to survive  her, having a big wedding in Ireland, gleefully, without me. I’m in so much pain and I’m frightened.