Overwhelmed

[Healing4Ever]

Hi,

I am overwhelmed right now - my undiagnosed BPD partner and I have been separated for about 1 month, and when I start to focus on staying in the relationship, I am overwhelmed with anxiety.  I do not feel like I have the stamina to continue to deal with the silent treatments and craziness and lack of [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] myself.  I grew up with a undiagnosed BPD mother, and I feel wounded.  Staying in this relationship has left me feeling completely drained, unlovable, and crazy myself. 

Also, as I read through the boards, I see some of myself in the BPD traits, and then I see myself again in the effects of silent treatments, and I see how my need to be validated causes me to make choices in communicating with my partner that makes things worse. I see me being anxious and insecure in our relationship, and hear him blaming me for everything.  I see my self-esteem hitting rock bottom, and see that I have little ability to pull myself up when I'm feeling so down, thereby allowing my own sense of self to flounder.  I feel like my self-esteem rides upon his erratic and hard-to-understand moods.  This leaves me feeling the most anxious - feeling powerless over my own internal reaction to whatever he decides to think and do in a given moment.  I have said soo many times - I wish I didn't care.  Life would be so much easier.  However, not caring sounds like the end of a relationship.  I don't see, however, how I can start/continue caring again and remain emotionally healthy.

All this information on this site is amazing - but also overwhelming, as all of it seems to apply, and it feel contradictory at times and I'm not sure what to do.  For example - the silent treatment is abusive, however, I have a choice on how to feel/respond to it.  (this doesn't feel true for me!  I simply get hooked and anxious and all the things listed on the silent treatment board.  It's awful). 

However, i don't know how I'll feel ending the relationship.  Certainly, the most calm I've felt is when I think it's finally over, but then as soon as I see him, this erodes into hoping again that things can work out. 

H4E

[MockingbirdHL]

Overwhelmed - I know how you feel!  Everything you wrote resonated with me; there are so many of us on these boards that have the same feelings and are experiencing the same things as you are!

My dBPDh is the middle of one of his worst episodes yet ... .  we have been together for three years, married for one ... .  he started raging 15 days ago on the second to last day of our wedding anniversary / late honeymoon trip.  In another country.  On an island.  So we were stuck in a hotel room for two days straight during that.  His typical reaction is to run away and he could not do that, so he basically switched between pretending I wasn't there and yelling.  It was awful.

When we got home, he dropped me off and left.  That was 13 days ago.  For the first five days I heard nothing.  Not a word, nothing.  Then he texts me to say he wants to talk the next day.  I say OK.  He comes over the next day and we "talk" for about five hours.  He starts with I think I want a divorce.  The talk was really me trying to get him to tell me how he feels.  But most of it was me accepting responsibility for my faults (real and imagined by him both) and him accepting responsibility for nothing.  By the end of the talk he said he was second-guessing everything and needed more time to think.

That was a week ago today.  We have had some contact in that time.  He sends me unemotional tets about once a day letting me know where he is (he travels for work).  One day we had a long email exchange about what he perceived to be my problem (which is actually HIS issue).  I poured my heart and soul out to him.  Basically got nothing but doubt and derision back.  Now he wants to talk again tonight.

The longer the day goes on, the more anxious I get.  Why am I anxious?  Because I am basing my mood on his mood ... .  I have no idea what it will be and that makes me very anxious.

Over the past two weeks there have been good days and there have been bad days.  On good days I feel almost relieved that I can walk around my own house without having to worry about everything I say and do and how he might react to it.  On bad days I feel like I am almost having a panic attack at the thought of him actually leaving for good.  I mean moving his belongings out of the house leaving.

No matter whether it is a good day or a bad day, one thing remains constant. 

I AM TIRED.

I AM EXHAUSTED.

BUT I STILL LOVE HIM

[Healing4Ever]

Hi MockingbirdHL,

Wow - your situation sounds intense. And difficult.    I can definitely relate to the anxiety.  And the unemotional texts - my DH does that too.  He'll have ranted, or more often lately done days of the silent treatment, and then starts texting/sending e-mails with smiley faces and acts as if nothing else is going on.  If we had discussed talking about the fight later, then this would be fine, but in the context of his silent treatments, they get kind of weird.

I'm trying to figure out if I love him, or if I'm feeling so wounded and scared of being alone that I think I love him.  Because I also oscillate between feeling panick-y and relieved at the thought of him coming to grab the rest of his stuff.

The more I read here, the more I see that low self-esteem on my part is a big issue.  That's a tough one for me.  I'm not sure how to get out of this pit, because I am also constantly reading things here and wondering... .  is that what I do?  Do I do that too?  I'm not wanting to miss out on my own behaviors, and yet I cannot seem to separate out what I do, to what he says I do, and find reality.

I am definitely tired of this.  Wanting an easy way out of all the confusion and pain.  And knowing there isn't one makes me even more tired.  I have decided lately to try and focus more on me, and what I need, regardless of the relationship.  Not sure if this resource is listed here, but I have gotten a lot out of a book called "Love Without Hurt".  It gives lots of ideas about how to improve my sense of self and heal, in order to build the strength to deal with a difficult relationship.

Hang in there.   

[MockingbirdHL]

Healing4Ever,

I hear everything you are saying.  My dBPDh and I had our "talk" on Friday and it went well.  He has been home ever since, but I still have this feeling that none, or a lot, or some, of this isn't real ... .  it seems lately the only time I really believe he is truly expressing his feelings is during the rage or the silent treatment.

We had a pretty good weekend, stayed busy with projects around the house and he had a couple of friends come into town so we showed them around.  Nice time, no arguing, but not much depth of conversation either.  Went to sleep together (no physical intimacy besides holding hands, small kisses goodnight etc.).

He's supposed to be going to get his stuff from his parents' lakehouse today and also trying to make an appointment to see his P today, for the first time in about three months.  I hope he does both.  I hope they go well.  But I sit here at work paranoid that he is scouring the house for "evidence" in my absence.

The whole situation is making me absolutely crazy.

[Healing4Ever]

MockingbirdHL - the anxiety that you mention, is for me the worst part.  He and one of the therapists we both see have decided that I have some sort of anxiety disorder, so now everything gets panned off on that.  When I think back to before this relationship - I definitely tend towards anxiety, but nothing like what I've had since being in this relationship.  The unpredictability, blame, rages, silent treatments, and twisted thinking would be enough to get anyone looking over their shoulders!  But, their "diagnosis" of me allows him to find another reason to blame me if I become insistent about being heard or having a boundary respected.  In his mind, *I've* got the issue because i'm too anxious.  Nevermind that he completely did not validate anything I said, and instead switched the conversation to focus entirely on him.  

As an update - I have moved over to the leaving board as he ended the relationship over the weekend. 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  It is difficult.  And as I now struggle to come to terms with it ending, I am tending to forget how bad it can get.  Although, as I'm finding, they don't change just because the relationship is over.  Now I get to learn about BPD in my partner when he's left the relationship.  In the 2 days since he left, it's not looking pretty.