At a Crossroads With DS29... Need Advice

[radioguitarguy]

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I've been on and off this site for a couple of years regarding our DS29. Your comments and words of advice have been incredibly valuable. Let me synopsize... .

We asked our DS29 to leave after the Thanksgiving of 2012 for smoking in his bedroom. He couched surfed through the end of 2012 and then in January we came up with $500 for rent, so he could stay with a friend who had an extra bedroom. As the month drew to a close, a huge screaming argument came about because he was piling his cig butts in the area where he was sleeping. Ahhhhhhhh! So because he'd exhausted all of his options, we offered him our downstairs couch but did not put a limit on how long he could stay. Right O' he's still there.

Here is what we know... .He's been on methadone going on 3 years and is addicted to pot, cigarettes, and food. He goes about 330lbs. He is on Medicaid but just lost his Snap benefits because he failed to follow through on the review process. He got himself a part time job delivering newspapers which brings in about $275 a week. Ready for this? He currently tried to quit smoking by taking Chantix while wearing 2 patches... .didn't work. It's not just the nicotine, it's also cause he's so psychologically addicted as well. When he lumbers upstairs he gets winded. Need I say more. Whenever his Mom or I try to talk with him about his health issues, in wisemind of course, he immediately goes on the defensive and the yelling begins... .non-productive. So we don't bother to address the "big" issues with him anymore.

Simply put, his Mom is the hard ass and I'm the one who wants to avoid any kind of confrontation at all costs. Some of you might remember that she is a "Family Connections" group leader. Last evening she told me she can't do "this" anymore. She pointed out that he can't continue to live out his life on our couch and that changes have to be made. She's right but we can't seem to come to an understanding about "HOW"! She wants to tell him that he needs to pee clean by mid February or he's out. The clinic won't begin to taper his methadone unless he stops smoking pot.

The facts are this... .His Mom is strong and I'm a weenie because I hate the yelling which prevents me from following through on any boundaries. Because of my non- confrontational personality, I'm basically letting him run my life in my house. It's sad that I will do anything to maintain peace and quiet. We are NOT helping him! What we are doing is watching him die slowly from cigs and food. I just can't get it out of my head that if we cut him loose, he won't survive 2014.

Suggestions... .words of wisdom... .advice?   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

RGG-

I am wishing you some peace for 2014.

It is a very, very difficult thing to watch this self destruct path that your son has taken. Been there, done that. Somehow, we got very, very lucky with my BPDSD22 (also an addict) and events moved us in the direction of rehab. My husband struggled as you describe with being a weenie, not wanting confrontation, (we call that enabling... .) until SD got caught (by us) drinking and driving, we took away her car, she couldn't get to her drug dealer and she went into Xanax withdrawal and had a grand mal seizure in front of her Dad.

Then another magical event happened... .her IOP councilor confronted her Dad and told him,

"If you daughter keeps living with you she will never get clean."

We gave her the choice of sober living or NOT sober living. What her Dad said to her was something like this,

"You are not welcome in this home until you are living a life of recovery and if you don't chose to go to sober living this won't change. If you die from addiction, please know how much I love you and will always love you but I won't watch you kill yourself. "

Our outcome has been overall positive. She is clean. She still has her issues but drug abuse doesn't cloud them anymore. AA has given her a place to fit in and she has, in some ways, traded her drug addiction for AA addiction. Pretty good trade, not going to a meeting doesn't give her a grand mal!

RGG- here is what I am hearing in your post.

FEAR.

What we are doing is watching him die slowly from cigs and food.

With him under your roof there seems to be no chance for him. After all, if sleeping on your couch was helpful, would he be dying slowly from cigs and food?

Not being allowed on your couch, he will either do exactly what he is doing now OR he might make a change.

Advice- tell him no more couch. Let him find out if you are serious- you might be surprised that he will get himself some help this time but he definitely won't unless he is forced to, will he. I encourage you to offer him an alternative to homelessness or couch surfing that includes rehab (or an IOP)  and sober living. These options will help him find a way out of the trap he has built for himself (and for your wife and for you). It will be expensive. Sorry to report this. The result if you spend nothing will cost you so much more though.

More advice- Watch a few episodes of Addicted on Netflix.

Your son needs you to stop letting him kill himself. Until he finds a way out, this is exactly what he will continue doing. So long as you continue letting him continue he will NEVER find a way out.

Or, maybe, tomorrow you will wake up in happy fantasy land and he will be fine. Probably though, he will be just a little bit worse. And so on and so on.

Thursday

[radioguitarguy]

Thursday... .

You hit the nail squarely on the head with your reply. FEAR is the key word here! My post, which you already figured out, wasn't just about him but was also about my wife and I terrified that he might not be able to figure it out. It brings back horrible memories from about 8 or 9 years ago, when we had to tell him, during his discharge interview from the hospital psych unit, that he wasn't allowed to come home and that he was being released to the streets. But you're right, we are enabling him. The easiest course of action, as very scared parents, is to let him slide which will NOT help him in any way whatsoever, which we both knew anyway but didn't want to confront.

Thank you for your sobering post. We're both thinking that it's just what we needed to "hear."

RGG

   

[qcarolr]

Radioguitarguy

This is so hard to hear, and harder to consistently follow through with. My thoughts and prayers are with all 3 of you tonight.

My dh and I are in a similar place with our Dd27. We would not allow her back in our home in 2009, she was on the streets for about 20 months, we let her come back in, we let her bf(s) come back with her, it was a domestic violence roller coaster with lots of denial on our part of obvious drug use/abuse. She ended up in jail several times this year with the ex filing harassment charges and the judge trying to get her to participate in court ordered substance and mental health treatment - outpatient

The difference this time is we are paying for her to stay in a motel/hotel that offers monthly rates. We have looked for apartments - they cost more and we need to see some success before we co-sign a lease. I do not 'know', but think she relapsed. So did her PO (probation officer) who admitted her to detox center for the weekend.

She is in denial that she needs to be there. Claims it was depression and a flare up of MRSA infections so she slept through her appointments all week. Jumped through administrative hoops to get her antibiotics on Friday - the MRSA is real and IMHO is in response to meth use/withdrawal and picking at her skin. She is a MRSA carrier. I am picking her up tomorrow and returning her to the hotel. All I can do is encourage her to show up - for UA's, for therapy, for PO appts. This hotel is across the street from the probation program location. We moved her from the more distant location about 10 days ago - she had been there for 6 weeks and was asked to vacate after a party night with the police called. (not DD's story, I am reading between the lines based on conversation with that motel owner)

Dh and I struggle with wanting her home - even as we know it would not be better, different, etc. Espcially when she is asking to be with her family, esp. at Christmas. We have our gd8 living with us to keep us from caving into our parental emotional 'thinking with our feelings'. Gd is doing so much better in many ways with her mom out of our home. It is hard to find time to talk without her young ears taking it in. We see the impacts in her acting out when I am spending more time with DD.even out of our home.

Ahhh -- it is so hard and exhausting when DD is on a downward spin. Yet -- it is up to her to find it within herself to make changes. The resources are daily (m-f anyway) in her face. The court holds her accountable now - makes it easier for me to be the 'good guy' for now. Have to watch out for validating her invalid excuse making. So hard for me.

The other part -- I understand in my mind everything that I 'should' be doing/thinking. It is so hard to connect it to my aching heart and shift into a mindful place so I can 'do' what needs doing. I have great empathy for you wife -- she may come across tough. Perhaps she is hurting hurting inside.

My dh gives me great comfort. We are able to talk together quietly about this pain we share over our precious DD. This has not always been possible between us. I pray for you and your wife to take care of each other in this and support each other to find the middle path with strength. Solid boundaries shared with compassion.

Thursday - you are so wise in your support shared. Thanks.

qcr

[radioguitarguy]

Dear qcr... .

You must have a tremendous amount of strength to endure what you and your dh are going through with your daughter. I'm not suggesting this, but what do you think would happen if you stopped helping her with housing and acquiring her meds and encouraging her to remember important appointments? Would she be able to survive? That is what we're most afraid of with our ds29. We do have a modest 401K put away for our retirement. Is it selfish to not want to dip into that to help our son financially? Should we feel guilty? I don't have a lot of faith that he can figure it out on his own, although what he's been able to figure out over the last 5 years is somewhat encouraging. We won't know the answer to that question until it happens and therein lies our biggest fear!

I understand that each of our "adult" children's circumstances are unique and one size does not fit all. I'm sensing that "Thursday's" advice to me might not work for your daughter. Even with all of the books from BPD experts, support groups, etc. it turns out to still be a trial and error journey.

Your strength and perseverance are amazing, which can be so difficult when your heart aches so much. I wish you "Peace, Love, and Understanding" as we approach another new year. I guess what it comes down to is finding the strength to do what we think is right for our child while at the same time maintaining our sense of sanity and perspective. We all will continue to soldier on!   

[qcarolr]

Radioguitarguy,

Our DD has moderate level of disability that has been with  her from a very very young age. The neuropsych testing labels it as a non-verbal learning disorder. Her ADD is very real as is her episodes of depression (usually following breakup with bf - abandonment). Unfortunately the government does not include her level of inability as a disabiling condition to provided her with SSI. She does get some very limited benefits from the county, food stamps, and medicaid. She learned a lot of survival skills while homeless. She endured some pretty harsh conditions.

DD cannot be in our home with her daughter, gd8. There has been too much turmoil and violent behaviors from DD. She insists on her homeless friends being here. It is complex. To make any progress the homeless have to find a path off the street. There are resources for food, clothing, cold-weather nighttime shelter, emergency medical care. Without a safe, consistent place to live -- sleep, store your stuff, able to do laundry and take a shower, get good sleep... .-- it is hard to have energy left to choose recovery.

We have a limited reserve committed to this rent. Enough for about 7 more months is all. We will see what happens before that time. DD knows about this time limit on rent. Her probation program knows of this as well. It is up to DD to get what she needs from the program - like assistance getting volunteer work that could lead to a job. She has never successfully held a job.

The other side is when we have allowed her to be homeless it was just too painful for us. We have to continue to find the balance of care we can give her to meet our desires of our hearts while letting go of everything we feel she can do for herself. This is a hard line to find most of the time.

You love your son. Have faith that he is able to survive and find the resources he needs. Figure out what is reasonable for you to give in support for him, that does not compromise your own survival as you move into the retirement years.

Hope you can find the bubbles of joy in your Christmas. They are there.

qcr