So sad

[qcarolr]

It has been awhile since I posted an update. Things have shifted in the past few weeks away from balance toward relapse. DD always struggles with upward swing in mood in the spring and seems to be following that pattern again. It has been very chaotic and sometimes violent in past 10 days. Yesterday DD punched her dad in the face when he tried to get my purse away from her. She was saying that I owed her money. She then left with friend in his car. We contacted the police. She called while the officer was at our house so I let him answer the call. She got so loud I could hear her across the room. They are still looking for her.

Doing the trash from her bathroom today I saw a used syringe. So it appears she has also relapsed into drug use - most likely meth based on her behavior. I know there is nothing I can do at this point and feel so very sad for her.

The hard part is finding the strength to maintain minimum contact with her and not allow her to come back to the house. I doubt she will contact us or come here since the police are actively looking for her. It is a waiting game for now. She has alluded the police for nearly a month in similar situation a couple years ago.

Thoughts and prayers for her safety and courage for my family are appreciated.

qcr Carol

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Damn drugs!

Stay strong in your faith and take comfort in knowing your heart is pure and you have done all you can to provide her a pathway to healing.

 

lbj

[Dibdob59]

Dear Qcr

I am heart sore for you and your family. You have all worked so hard together towards recovery.

I find the hardest thing for me is to truly let go. My need to save is compelling at a cellular level but deeply flawed in logic.

Unfortunately your DD will play this out.

Your wisdom, resilience and faith is a beacon for me and you have been so supportive to your DD. But there are numerous times when life is not fair and this is one of them.

Your daughter has a serious mental illness. If she were diagnosed with an illness such as cancer and went into remission everyone would rejoice. If the cancer then reappeared the world would not condemn her but accept it was out of her control. At this moment this is how things are for your DD. She has limited cognition and low emotional control.

And you can do no more. As a mother it is heart wrenching - but no less true.

My thoughts and prayers are always with you and your family but even more so at this sad time. Please keep posting here as you are much loved

Still from the other side of the pond... .Dibdob x

[Lollypop]

I'm lost for words and so wish I knew the right thing to say.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the needed courage and strength to overcome this latest turn of events. It's an easy to thing to say but there's always hope. Sometimes that's all we are left with and it is there even when we can't feel it or see it. It can be the smallest glimmer, it is always there and I pray your daughter feels it in herself soon.

[wendydarling]

Oh, qcr, I'm so sorry your daughter has lost her balance and relapsed and echo ... .damn drugs   and that she is kept safe. I wish you and your family courage and resilience and inner calm to help you through. You say it's hard to gain the strength not to allow her back in the house  ... .how has this been managed in the past ... .violence and drugs?

Standing strong with you.  

WDx

[mggt]

Dear Q. So sorry to hear this again this awful disease please try to take care of yourself You have done every thing humanly possible for your d .  I will keep you in our prayers for all of you may she be safe out there on the streets I hope your gd is o.k from what you have written about her she sounds like a smart intelligent little girl .     

[qcarolr]

It feels so pointless to continue to try and 'read' much from her words and actions. So many inconsistencies between the texts she has sent me and those from her bf. He has told dh that DD is with him - then not with him - then with him. DD claims she has not been with him at all since leaving our home Friday afternoon with another friend. We are feeling manipulated by both sides to get some financial support from us. This includes their desire to get an old pickup with small camper to live in while parked in someone's back yard. It is all so crazy today. Dh suggested I put my phone on silent and not answer anymore today. I only sent a couple very brief replies.

The other part is a total lack of owning any of her actions. Like punching her dad in the face was his fault  

Gd is clear that she does not want her mom to be back at our home. Dh and I agree with her. I am so gullible to her tales, it is good that we are talking openly about this.

The other thing we did. When bf started text to us about the camper etc. I told him we had to include dh and DD So I started a group conversation. So I know DD read all this, saw pictures of the truck... . So for her to say today that she knows nothing of this is clearly not the truth. Does it matter if it is a warp in her reality or a bold manipulation? Nope.  I think she has been with bf at least some during the past two days.

The deliberate nature of these ponderings stings. How do I overcome being gullible when all I want is to be open and loving. As dh said just now - he has the scab on his nose to remind him of his reality.

Thanks so much for being here for me. I am in a much more stable place and have a stronger r/s with dh. Gd has grown up enough to be a part of our conversations. She is the witness to DD attack on dh. I was in the garage until I heard gd scream and saw DD getting in her friend's car.

qcr

[Honey B]

Thinking of you-I echo everything that Dibdob said.

[tristesse]

qcarolr

This is really a sad situation, I am so sorry that your family is being put to test like this, it makes me deeply sad. I also agree that letting go is the hardest part, but I think at this particular juncture, you really have no other options. GD needs to feel safe and loved at all costs, and you and your DH, do not need to deal with all of the drama.

I think your DD has made a choice on how she wants to live her life, it's an unfortunate choice, because it is a sad way to live, but she clearly chose the drugs and the violence and the BPD, over a peaceful co-habitation with you and your GD. It is now her burden to bear.

I will pray for the healing of your hearts and the strength to endure . Take care.

[qcarolr]

The lawyer for adopting gd sent a form for DD to sign along with copy of our petition. The court needs this notice of receipt before they can set our hearing date. I was feeling apprehensive about getting DD to agree to meet with a notary at the bank. Dh and I agreed we will give her money. We have been helping her out with a small amount monthly for a long time. If she wants to shoot it in her arm those are her consequences (not in our house!).

She was calling and texting while I was meeting with my T today. So I called her after my appointment. She was asking for money from a small inheritance (trustee gave money for me to distribute - $1500). I told her this money is only for something that will improve her life. She and bf want to get a vehicle to put their stuff in and sleep in - they are full on being homeless now. I offered her the monthly allowance instead. She did go to the bank with me and signed with notary while I withdrew her money.

She was back with bf today, and not allowed to be around their other friend. (He is also ex-bf, and longtime friend of bf -- such a messy triangle). Ya know it made no difference to me today. They are all grown-ups regardless how they feel-think-act. She got her monthly allowance, I mailed the form back to the lawyer.

She brought up a few things from the past couple weeks, including giving bf and exbf phone numbers to police looking for her. My response was that I choose to state the truth of my experience. If she was with someone I was going to tell the truth. She was in a much better place today -- like a 15-17 year old in attitude.

I went to a women's retreat with my church last weekend. One of the sessions was seeking core values. In the past my primary core value is 'integrity'. I was in tears by the end of the small group time (same group assigned for weekend and we are doing a follow up time end of this month). I had listed some of the features of integrity as my top 3 and knew I was avoiding. The leader talked about how hard it is when we live outside/against our core values. My distress in so many ways may be from making choices that go against my integrity. Giving in to DD to keep the peace is a prime example. I have chosen to respect myself and this value in all my dealings with DD. I have asked dh to help me be accountable by our discussing my choices with DD ahead of time. I will practice patience in waiting to respond to DD until dh and I can talk and come to consensus. I can practice this same 'wait for it' attitude with gd as well. I can chose to say no, calmly, to her as many times as needed. She likes 'collections' and is always searching for the newest thing her friends have at school.

This feels so good today. I will enjoy!

qcr

[swampped]

Dear qcr:  I wandered back onto this site, and was so sad to see your latest trial.  Just wanted to say that you and your family are often in my thoughts and prayers, and will be even more now during this challenging time.  I hope you are taking care of yourself, taking your medicine, and eating and sleeping okay.  I am so glad that you are communicating so well with your dh, and hope that his face heals rapidly.  Take care, and thank you, once again, for all you have done for me and those of us on this board over so many years.  You are an inspiration!     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

I'm so sorry the struggle continues.   

[Thursday]

I log on a couple of times per year and was very sad to find that you've posted and that the upward momentum you were having with your DD has gone downhill again.

I feel like nobody here knows me and hope they understand the place I am coming from. The pwBPD in my life is my step-daughter who is now 25, very soon to be 26. She has been in recovery for five years and in those five years she has resolved SO MUCH of her previous horrible behavior. She is gaining self-awareness by leaps and bounds. I'm so proud of her and we are building a great relationship. I can no longer call her borderline as it would not fit at all.

As you have struggled so with your DD and I've read your posts and watched the cycling of her behaviors it is humbling to see how you have never given up on her. I don't know how to solve the issues you have but always ALWAYS my heart goes out to you, your DH and most of all to your GD. The three of you deserve a peaceful home and I wish there was true longevity to the peace. Your DD's addiction to meth doesn't make it easy, her refusal to get with a program that will help her with sobriety only makes it seem like an impossibility.

And along the way, as she cycles in and out, what is the toll? What I know about my SD's recovery is that we drew a line in the sand and let her know that we were handing her life back to her. We have always been there but for awhile I know it didn't look like it to her. Even so, today she is grateful that we held to our limits. Her life is far from perfect- she isn't working at her potential but the job she has pays her bills. She has a car note that she pays extra on each month (she doesn't like being in debt.) The family member that she lives with has recently announced that she will be moving to a much smaller place and at that point SD will be on her own... .scary but I think she can handle it. She has a couple of girlfriends now- so nice that she has been able to maintain an interpersonal relationship. Still no love interest and I know she longs for someone special in her life. She has lost about 70 pounds in the last year by working out at a gym.

None of this would have happened if we had kept the safety net under her. Removing it was a leap of faith- we had been told by her regular therapist that we needed to keep her safe for a very long time after she turned 18 and the opposite turned out to be true. Her 12 step program has been the biggest reward for her. She has been involved with 5 sponsors at this point. Number one fired her. Number two helped her go through the steps for real (meaning in a deeper way than she went through them with sponsor #1.) Number three was no nonsense and kept her on task to do the steps again and again. #4 took care to remind SD of her value, reminded her of  the gifts she has in her life including her Dad (my husband) and #5 is fun and likes a joke but is as serious as a heart attack and can see right through SD so we have seen such real progress.

We realized a long time ago that we really sucked as therapists... .and as a rehab program we were clueless. Stepping out of all of this has given SD a place to flourish and grown.

I cringe *strong word but I could not find another* to think of yet another round with your DD. More jail, more homelessness, worry upon worry, more trauma for all of you and especially your GD, sickness for your DD due to intravenous use, you and your husband and your GD held hostage by her cycles, glad when things are going well, of course, but then... .? So much mental energy spent on trying to figure out something that will help your DD. At the end it seems like she does as she wishes... .

I don't know if anything I say could possibly help you... .I am hoping not to cause harm. What I most hope for is for you to find a way to get her HELP, help that is not YOU, help that comes from professionals who know what they are doing. I guess my words here will sting a bit- know that I care about you and your feelings. Do you remember when we first started posting here there was someone (I don't remember their name) who handed out the tough love to you like a fall harvest and you were always so gracious in accepting what he/she had to say. Your responses to that matter-of-fact board member is one of the reasons I   you.

Bless you qcarolr- I don't know what to make of it that I log on here after such a long time away and find your post  so sad. I am hoping there can someday be a resolution that brings you the peace you deserve and NEED.

 thursday

[qcarolr]

Four weeks ago today ran from a warrant for hitting her dad in the face. She evaded the police for two weeks. She also has charges for an altercation with bf at the motel they where they were staying which brought the police who arrested her. I offered to bail her out ($100) the next day if she went directly into treatment. At midnight 2 weeks ago I picked her up on bond and drove to the 24 hour walk in mental health center. She saw a doctor and was admitted to their Respite Program. It is a residential program for up to 2 weeks to get a treatment plan in place. She meets daily with case worker and peer counselor. She is beginning to feel positive effects from taking Prozac.

She is seeing the case manager today for the program she transitions into tomorrow. She will be required to attend at least one NA meeting a week. She and I went to a mediation based recovery group this week and we plan to continue this together. It is good to have the structure for contemplation. I can see support here for both of us.

We are allowing her to come home tomorrow as long as she is in treatment and follows the house rules. Otherwise she is homeless. There is a minimum 2 years wait list for any housing in the whole metro area -- with assistance for rent. She spent the first 5 days in respite seeking housing options.

Dh and gd do not really want DD here. I sure hope dh does not sabatoge her recovery out of his own anxiety issues. It is so messy when we each get triggered by each other out of fear. We all have fears.

I am focusing on taking this all one day at a time. I will try to get back to keep you posted. Prayers are appreciated.

qcr Carol

[Dibdob59]

You always have my prayers.

It is a journey. Not the one you envisaged and not the one you would choose.

But it is what it is... .

Dibdob x

[wendydarling]

Hi qcarorlr

I'd do for my daughter what you have, tis hard, I salute you    Things do and can get better, I keep the faith. A punch in the face for a father is a big deal (not the mother this time ... .) and I also understand his anxiety as you explain and wonder how are you working with him on the mediation sessions? I'm a single parent so come from a different perspective, I guess.

With you day by day, walking with our BPDs.  

WDx  

[lbjnltx]

Prayers... .a done deal as always qcarolr.

Finally, inpatient, though brief, it is still inpatient.  Keep us posted, stay strong and grounded in compassion and boundaries.

Luv

lbj

[qcarolr]

Turns out the 'program' offered is for homeless women -- a church floor with a blanket for the night. Different church each night. On the street during the day. Resources are just not real.

Hard to figure out what of DD's actions past few days are from craving for meth, BPD response to loss of exbfG who was tired of being 'the friend' (who also is struggling with meth addiction)... .  Missed the meditation yesterday, exbfG blocked DD's number entirely. She was in spiral -- not sure whether up or down, just loud. She asked for ride into town, so I got her out of house. She calmed down in car and shared her fears about life without support from this exbf.  It is so messy and I am craving to have a clean life today. Have not heard from her. Resist making guesses about where she is or who she is with. Pray for her safety.

I am under other stress as well. This is also a place of sadness.

I have been struggling with an inflammatory skin condition for over a year. Various treatments have shown minor and temporary response. Doc's want to change my self-injected biologic meds. for Chron's. Not sure if it is causing the skin condition as side effect or just no longer treating it. It has never been this bad before. Biopsies have been inconclusive! So I am getting funding in place for IV biologic. My provider has been very helpful and supportive with this part. Hope to have first treatment next week.

The phones and computers at work have been messed up for a couple weeks. I cannot login from home as planned while home with gd this summer. Most likely a lightening based power surge to the building. At least got things up and running at the shop. So I went to work today for 4 hours and left gd on her own. She has spent some time home alone, just not this long. Feels like she followed the rules. I am so uncomfortable leaving her. She did have neighbors home and she was allowed to play with them at their houses. She called dh a couple times instead of me today. Maybe I was away from my desk when she called.

Ok, so this brings a good thing to mind. DH and gd are bonding very nicely recently. Gd loves to go fishing, and there is a new inflatable boat in our backyard -- well new to us. It needs some TLC before float worthy. We are planning a camping trip in August and a long weekend or two in June and July. Dh and gd do the dog park thing with the swim loving dog (there is a dog pond). Gd gives baths to the dogs on her own now -- not too much mess left behind. It was a nice change for her to call him today. (We have a landline in the house for her. She does not want a cell phone yet)

Life is actually pretty good when I stop to ponder the joys of the day. They are always there when I seek them out. Will enjoy another night with no DD drama in the house. One day at a time.

qcr Carol

[qcarolr]

Thanks for the understanding, thoughts and prayers too.

Carol

[lbjnltx]

Turns out the 'program' offered is for homeless women -- a church floor with a blanket for the night. Different church each night. On the street during the day. Resources are just not real.

How disappointing.  :'(

qCarol, you do so well not responding externally to your d's emotional outbursts, I hope and pray that internally you can let go of more too.  For the sake of your health, peace, longevity.  Also for the sake of DH and GD.

Life is actually pretty good when I stop to ponder the joys of the day. They are always there when I seek them out. Will enjoy another night with no DD drama in the house. One day at a time.

qcr Carol

The blessings are there always.  Some days we just have to look more closely to recognize and acknowledge them. 

lbj