Did you know they were a loser at the start? What exactly were you going to fix?

[shocked]

Ok, obviously these exBPD's of ours are losers.  But are any of your ex's really losers and you knew it at the beginning?  I know in some ways I recognized it.  Of course like others, I thought I could help her grow as a person and become a more complete happy person.  I do think I helped her in that regard to a certain degree but not enough to overcome her illness... . 

My ex has no real ambitions or goals or her own by her own admission.  Her financial success will amount to just over $20k a year and I'm not being mean that is the long and short of her ability to make money.  She has no higher education and no desire to pursue any career at nearly 30 years old.  She absolutely has to have a man to help support her and her high maintenance lifestyle of fancy cars, jewelry, etc.  She had no real interests of her own and her own mother has told her that for years encouraging her to find hobbies.  She "liked" things I liked for a while but that passed.  Soap operas and movies and fb are her biggest interests.  She wavers on whether she wants children (going back and forth on that like she did with me and previous ex).  She cheated on her husband, ruined her marriage, cheated on me, ruined our r/s, has no real friends that truly "love" her, she is really, really boring according to the people that know her best... .

Honestly, she was and is a loser... .y did I fall so in love with her?  I remember actually thinking well, she isn't an alcoholic, she doesn't use any drugs, she likes to be at home often (thought this made her trustworthy),... .little did I know she had no sense of self and had a mental illness until almost 3 years later. 

So, what about you guys?  Did you know they were a loser at the start?  What exactly were you going to fix? 

[turtle]

My crazyx is a deadbeat. He was a deadbeat when I met him.  He's smart enough and talented enough to do a number of things and do them extremely well, yet he chooses not to do so.  He'd rather sponge off of others, live in gross places, drive cars that will barely make it down the road, etc.  I definitely thought I could help him, but help him do what?  He is a gifted musician -- GIFTED.  Yet, HE chooses to waste that talent.  There's no "help" in the world that can/should correct the choices that he's made for himself. Only HE can do that.  And how arrogant of ME to think that I was so special that I could make a difference in the life of someone who never asked to be "changed."  He must like his life the way it is... .his actions prove it ... .so who in the hell did I think I was to say it should be different for him?

In the end... .I had to ask myself... .how is HE the loser?  I'M the one who chose to remain in a situation where someone treated me so poorly.   And... .what was it in ME that would choose to enter a relationship with someone like this. 

My ex has no real ambitions or goals or her own by her own admission. 

When someone admits something like this... .why do we think it's up to us to change them?  Crazyx never admitted out right that he had no ambitions or goals, yet his actions proved that this was the case.  Should've believed him. Would've saved me financial devastation and a ton of heartache.

Crazyx treated me like SH!T.  My self esteem (which was already very fragile way back then) took a huge hit for that... .but the bigger hit came from knowing that I allowed him to do it.

y did I fall so in love with her?  I remember actually thinking well, she isn't an alcoholic, she doesn't use any drugs, she likes to be at home often (thought this made her trustworthy),.... .little did I know she had no sense of self and had a mental illness until almost 3 years later. 

Isn't it interesting to look back and see how low you had set the bar for what you wanted in a potential partner? 

turtle

[shocked]

Yes Turtle, I often wonder that point and have been asked by family and my T, why is it that you got so involved with someone that is not of the same educational, financial, emotional caliber that you are? 

That's why I asked this question really.  Did others fall for someone that was below their standards in other ways?  It wasn't to beat my ex up for being a loser as much as to see if others knew they chased a loser from the start that they could rescue and change. 

[RedRightAnkle]

Sometimes I find myself thinking, "You know, he really is kind of a creeper/loser... .it's kind of sad." At school he's a loner, and I remember hearing things about him when I was there about how he was a bit weird. He used to get wonderful grades, but his junior year of high school was awful - he was constantly behind, he never did his homework - and the worst part about it was he didn't even really seem to care. As long as he passed the class, he was fine. He's such an intelligent person, yet he can't be bothered to apply it... .part of it I think is an ambition problem, but another part of it is his distrust in the school system (he's very anti-government and anti-institution).

A lot of times I would come over to see him and he would still be in bed at 1 in the afternoon, or at least just lazing around in his pj's. He could play video games for HOURS on end, even while I was there (which I always thought was a bit rude, especially when he plays it for 5 hours straight.) I even heard that when his friends came over to see him, he would stay in his room and play video games. He had no real hobbies of his own (he mirrored everyone else and never pursued those hobbies independently) except for maybe weapon collecting and fighting. He does have a job, but he's convinced he's going to get stuck there and I think is just giving up and letting it happen, I don't think he has any set plans for college when he graduates... .he has no real desire for any particular type of career. I'm really afraid he'll go nowhere.

He can also be very obnoxious in public, like at movies or other events, and to me it just screams loser. If you can't behave yourself like an adult in public at 17, there's a problem. He is also pretty awkward when talking to people, and he thinks he can flirt, but everyone around him thinks he's terrible at it and just comes off as creepy. I have no idea what made me fall for him, I was constantly encouraging him to do something that he enjoyed more often (writing, drawing, dancing), but to no avail. He would always complain that he didn't have time - during the summer! Oh yes, he can't do something truly fulfilling with his life when there's video games to be played! I think I saw the potential... .and that's what I fell in love with - the potential. Mistake.

[turtle]

I think I saw the potential... .and that's what I fell in love with - the potential. Mistake.

Yep.  You can't have a relationship with someone's "potential."

turtle

[Finallyfree123]

The only thing that makes my ex a loser is the way he treated me when he was triggered. Which was abusive.

I can honestly say outside of that he was a good guy. He had a good longterm job, didn't pay a ton but he had longevity and stability. He was funny, generous, great with my kids, dedicated to his kids, affectionate and we had a lot of common interests. We had a close r/s and were each others best friend.

We shared a lot, even had each others password to everything and our families got along great and liked each other. I once told him, outside of the issue (BPD) if I could create a man for myself it would be him. This has been a tremendous loss to me. :'(

Unfortunately the BPD is not conducive for a healthy r/s and I am not the type to walk on eggshells to avoid possibly triggering him. And I am not the type to tolerate abuse. That's no way to live.

So on one hand when he was in his BPD mode he was the biggest Loser on the planet, when he wasn't I will give credit where credit is due.

[Sabine]

Absolutely. Yes, going in I knew I was lowering my standards. I have a lot of "substance" and don't rely on others for that. If that makes sense.

I honestly felt sorry for him because he wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree, but had a different set of qualities that he showed that I liked. I just kept telling myself to give it a try, what have I got to lose? Ha! Turns out, I couldn't really have deep or challenging conversations with him, he never really knew what it is I do at my job, he was attractive and seemed to like to do things I did, (I now know this is mirroring! ) so I kept it going. But as time went on and he displayed his darker side, I was already in knee deep.

I distinctly remember one time when he was in one of his ultimate rages, screaming at me and calling me every name in the book, I made sure I didn't go to his level and yell at him that he was a big LOSER! That was the one word that still sticks in my head about him.

I think all and all his sweet, considerate, attentive side won me over and I ignored our bigger differences like ambition, career, education, and financial status. I just have to chalk it up to one of those things and hope I never run into it again! The crazy part for me is that I kept "chasing the dragon" hoping things would go back to the way they were. If they did, it could have worked. But really?

[Beluki]

I can echo all of you.  In my mind, 'loser' is a bit of a strong term but I've heard that from others when they describe him now.  I tend to think it was more like Sabine in that I lowered my standards.  My T said that moving forward I need to really look at why I lower my standards and date men that don't match me on so many levels (ambition, career, education, and financial status). 

I had ended an 11 year relationship after delving into the one with the BPD a year later.  I had never been married.  I was looking for somene who matched my level, was an extrovert, didn't drink or smoke... .and the UBPDExBF matched many of those things... .although the career, education, and financial status was all a lie.  I didn't realize it until he had moved in and I found out he exaggerated/mirrored many things. 

So - I look back now and wonder how I missed all the red flags... .I fell in love with all the charisma and the attention he gave me. 

[Huh?]

Aw, this thread struck a chord w/ me.  I felt compelled to respond... .mostly because this "loser" thing was such an issue with my relationship with my ex uBPD fiance.

She constantly put me down for not making enough money.  She pressured me all the time with questions like, "When are you going to make more money?"  "People say you have no work ethic. Wheres the money to prove it?", "Are you going to take advantage of me financially?" , and "People say you dont do enough for me", etc.

She never went to college... .actually, she dropped out freshman year to party and work.  She had no goals or ambition.  She fell into a 50K a year job as a nanny for a affluent family which she constantly complained about.  She hated being her employers personal slave yet at the same time idolized them for thier millionaire lifestyle.  I was triangulated big time with that family, to the point where I felt like I was dating her boss... .I always told/pressured that her boss said this about me, or that... .always that Im not doing enough.  

So anyway, my ex used to tell me, "When are you giong to make more money?  Im 29 and Ive worked hard my whole life and I DESERVE to stay at home (like all these other trophy moms)"  This would always lead to a fight because I had just graduated college and was looking for work.  She put more and more pressure on me.  I couldnt find a good paying job.  Eventually, she got tired of waiting and left me, completely cutting me off and painting me black.  She has sold me as a cheater and abuser.


So I guess my point is, during one of our arguments I remember saying something that I regret to this day.  After going round and round about the same issue, (money) She said to me, "You have no work ethic! Wheres the money to  prove it!" and I countered with, "Work Ethic? I have two college degrees and worked two jobs to get them! You dropped out of college,! You dont know what its like to work for free for something you believe in... .for a goal.  You quit! Youre a quitter and a loser!"  

She was shocked when I said that.  Then she got nasty, insulting my masculanity and my ability to provide for our family after marriage.  I ened up just walking away... .then of course she came to pacify me a few minutes later.

I realized something recently.  I forgot to mention that a few months after she left I got a REALLY good paying job that I love... .kinda ironic.  But what I came to realize is that she was envious of my goal setting and work ethic.  I think she was projecting her poor work ethic and hatred for her job onto me.  She obviously had to work ethic, since she complained about her work all the time and wanting to stay at home and be like her boss who tans and works out all day to maintain her "trophy" status.  That was another realization that I had... .her boss.  Like I said before, thi woman was trianglulated in our relationship.  All I kept hearing about is how she said I need to get a good paying job or I need to do be established before my ex and I get married, etc.  My ex threw this in my face so much that it really got to me, ate away at my confidence.

Then I relaized something.  This woman has no right to question  my work ethic either.  She worked retail until she met her millioinair husband.  She doesnt work, she tans and works out all day.  She doesnt even rais her kids, my ex fiance did that!  She has no goals... .she has no purpose... .to look good and make babies... .thats it!     And this was my ex fiances role model/mentor figure.

I AM SO GLAD I AM OUT OF THAT TRIANGULATED NIGHTMARE!  Thank for reading!  

[shocked]

Thanks for the post Huh.  It really resonated with me and made me realize things about my situation I hadn't thought about in the right way until I read your post.

The lack of work ethic and success at any goals was so obvious in my ex but I didn't remember/recall her ultimate goal until I read your post.  She would say and ask over and over if she could "not work" one day.  Her ex-husband had told her "No"--not for monetary reasons but that she had to work.  Then, after she went back to him for the 5th or 6th time of back and forth, he told her if she would just move home she wouldn't have to work anymore.  She told me that she lost respect for him then b/c he didn't stand by his principles.  There was no way that HE could win with her I guess.

I got her a job at an Affluent work setting... .but she is the lowest on the totem pole and always will be.  But her seeing hundreds of men and women that make enormous salaries in the fanciest town/city in the whole state made her start "changing" b/c she told me so when she raged at me during the breakup.  What really resonated from your post was my holding back as she raged at me... .I wanted to yell at her so bad that she was what you said... .A QUITTER.  But I didn't do it.  She has quit at every endeavor she has started.  I'm glad I held back now just b/c I didn't want to stoop to her level that she was hitting me with at the time.  She wiped out my self esteem, confidence, my worth... .I didn't look in the mirror for about 3 weeks (people at therapy looked at me like I was nuts b/c I'm a decent looking guy) but that is how bad she hurt me and I'm still dealing with that. 

Anyway, her new job is obviously where some triangulation (read definition) happened with the other "girls" that work with her at the bottom of the totem pole.  She told me early on how they told her she was the small town girl in the big city and how beautiful she was and etc etc    

Last I heard she started dating one of those girl's brothers that she worked with... .I guess I wasn't up to standard... .

Thanks again Huh.  It made me realize some things I hadn't thought about.  And yes, they are jealous of our accomplishments after a while... .I think at first they love it but then as time wears on that is part of their resentment towards us. 

[learnedtolaugh]

Codependency is... .being addicted to another person's unmet potential.

[Huh?]

Thanks for the post Huh.  It really resonated with me and made me realize things about my situation I hadn't thought about in the right way until I read your post.

I got her a job at an Affluent work setting... .but she is the lowest on the totem pole and always will be.  But her seeing hundreds of men and women that make enormous salaries in the fanciest town/city in the whole state made her start "changing" b/c she told me so when she raged at me during the breakup.  What really resonated from your post was my holding back as she raged at me... .I wanted to yell at her so bad that she was what you said... .A QUITTER.  But I didn't do it.  She has quit at every endeavor she has started.  I'm glad I held back now just b/c I didn't want to stoop to her level that she was hitting me with at the time.  She wiped out my self esteem, confidence, my worth... .I didn't look in the mirror for about 3 weeks (people at therapy looked at me like I was nuts b/c I'm a decent looking guy) but that is how bad she hurt me and I'm still dealing with that.  

Thanks again Huh.  It made me realize some things I hadn't thought about.  And yes, they are jealous of our accomplishments after a while... .I think at first they love it but then as time wears on that is part of their resentment towards us.  

Im right there with you shocked.  Its been 6 months for me... .Im starting to think clearly now about the madness of my 16 month relationship with this woman.  Like you, mine had a motive... .a hidden agenda.  I really admired her for her job at the beginning, I thought it was awesome!  She got to travel and stay in expensive hotels, on the family's yacht, etc.

But over time, I realized that he goal was to BECOME one of the people in the circle she worked for.  She expected ME to do that for her.  She kept telling me that I needed to make a minimum of 75k a year, BUT at the same time she was mad if I was at work because she wanted me around and she also tried to forbid me going to grad school to pursue a higher education (I just laughed when she said that to me)... .so I could even get a job that paid that much!  It was madness, pure and total madness.  

All I know is this.  Back to the subject of "quitters" or "losers".   Like you, my ex fiance never really achieved anything thing in her life beyond highschool.  She has "things" but when it comes to difficult goals, she was/is a quitter.  She told me once that she was tired of her  nanny job, that she usually gets a "three year itch" and wants to do something different.  This is the woman that told me I have no work ethic, unstable and " you cant stick to anything"... .HELLO! College! TWICE!  Seriously, that is her projection at its finest!

I had this revelation last week.  So if our ex's are quitters when it comes to anything that gets difficult... .Why then are we surprised that the quit our relationships after the honeymoon period is over in their minds?  It should not be shocking at all.  They are mentally ill.  WEAK minded.  No ability to persevere and looking for the easiest way to the good life... .a life in which they will never find... .and I aint talking about money... .becasue as soon as it gets hard they quit and jump to another relationship.  Its really, really sad.  My ex was beautiful, fun, and charming.  That was really all she had to offer. Dont get me wrong, I loved her for that... .part of me still does, espeically the women I met before I triggered her intamacy issues... .but I cant BEGIN to imagine a life with no ambition, hobbies, or interest beyond my own needs.  I have no doubt that she will get the money man that she wants... .but i know her, it wont last... .but then, most of the marriages in that circle she admires dont last... .but the wives are set up for life by their ex husbands as a result anyway.  Probably all she really wants.

[sunnywind]

if im honest i knew id picked a loser ,just convinced myself i could fix her. i felt id put a down payment on a Cadillac but then found that the engine in mine was made in Italy 

a BPD reminds me of a troublesome car that no matter how many mechanics look at it, it never can get fixed. if you hold onto it long enough it will drive you mad . often times the brakes wont work at all, but the very next day they work normally. it will always look good however

[Gladto be away]

I hate the term loser.

Honestly though mine is, he deals drugs, lies about what he does for a living, he lives in a house a relative bought, drives a car a relative bought, acts like he is better than he is and above others.

His current relationship may work as she lives half way across the country so she won't really be affected by his daily behavior. We'll see because he already asked me to come have sex with him. LOL not happening.

[redberry]

I'm sorry to say it, and it sounds harsh, but loser may be a good word for him.

He changes jobs often, can't stick with school, blows money he doesn't have, is in debt for no reason, cheats on girlfriends, uses people, lies about anything and everything, has no empathy for anybody... .  It's sick.  He's sick.

Anybody else with those traits I would describe as a loser, so no reason it wouldn't apply to him too.

[Why Why Why]

My ex is a big time gold-digger and has made her life by leeching men, me included.  So if this is a loser, then yes, my ex is a major loser!

[Goofy Goober]

Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

[RedRightAnkle]

Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

Oh wow. Then yes, I was definitely dating a loser  ;p

[learnedtolaugh]

Crap... .20 for 20 on the Loser inventory. Guess I will have to hold off on that phone call and "can I please be your doormat again" speech.

[bpdex]

I like to say my uBPDx could convince a rat to kiss a cobra... .  Go to the #2 person on the list and go on a date and have a good time.  Move on with your life.

[BleedsOrange]

The same thing happened to a friend of mine. I asked her, "what are the odds?" turns out... .not that bad of odds after all... .

[diotima]

BPDx: love it about the rat/cobra. Mine could do that too I am sure. That's what happens when part of the person is an adult but it is grafted onto the emotional development of a three-year-old or less, um, just about the time they have learned about lies (no coincidence). Even more lethal when they are intelligent. They lie more skillfully after have seduced you into revealing so much about yourself.

By all means, go to the next person on the list!

Diotima

[deelee]

My BPD Husband of 35 years started collecting, cataloging thousands of female porn pictures for years, sneeking to the PC every second he could before getting caught ... .next came Facebook account and talking with all types of girls from his past, present, future ... .you get the idea ... .what a disaster my once great marriage became, then a real-life 5-year emotional affair with a married mother of three sociopath came to light ... .our marriage is now in repair with therapy, zoloft and prozac for everyone. It's been really hurtful betraying behavior that he is actually taking responsiblity for and has changed for about 1 year now. It's so difficult. Staying or going is never an easy choice. Then to decide to go and have yours truly be your number 1 match on a paid dating site is unbelievable! How cruel is that ... .Hang in there ... .at least you weren't in a longterm marriage with this guy.

[diotima]

deelee: very good to hear your H is taking responsibility and working on his stuff! I wish you the best. Keep us posted.

Diotima

[bpdex]

BPDx: love it about the rat/cobra. Mine could do that too I am sure. That's what happens when part of the person is an adult but it is grafted onto the emotional development of a three-year-old or less, um, just about the time they have learned about lies (no coincidence). Even more lethal when they are intelligent. They lie more skillfully after have seduced you into revealing so much about yourself.

By all means, go to the next person on the list!

Diotima

My BPDex decided that she could try and blackmail me with some of the skeletons I had in my closet with my family and friends so that I would stay with her.  So I decided the best way to handle that was to not have any skeletons at all.  It was painful to talk about those things with my family and friends, but ultimately my relationship with my family and friends is 10 times better, and I my BPDex will never have any control over my life.  What was great about it, was I talked with friends and family and let them know that my BPDex was going to tell them this because she was trying to blackmail me.  So when the stuff hit the fan, and my BPDex made good on her threat, she showed what a vengeful person she was.  My friends and family didn't want anything to do with her after that.

[Beach_Babe]

Oh yes mine was a loser big time... .drug problem, multiple psychiatric hospitalizations... .the most recent recycle came in the form a phone call I got from her in jail ... .obviously I am codependent, and have an addiction to "saving" people... .and I need to work on me to fix that. I dont know why I chose to help a "lost cause" but it needs to stop. It was a hard lesson to learn, but you know what, in the end maybe ill be a better person for it 

[BleedsOrange]

This discussion of unmet potential and codependancy and being a loser has really made me think. She was a stripper when we first started dating, but I had known her for many, many years. I knew that she was smart- I mean scary smart. Could hold my attention in conversations from science to philosophy, so I always saw her as a victim of her circumstances (mortgage, crazy and what not). She had always been kind and interesting to me and I loved all these things about her. I would always try to tell her that her job did not define who she was, and that she was meant for great things. I always tried to be encouraging of her future.

Then when one of her patrons figured out theat she was as smart as she was. He brought her out of the club to be her executive assistant. I warned her to be cautiously optimistic, but to take the opportunity because she could learn alot. What I didnt know was that now she didnt need me to nurture her potential, it was being handed to her by someone whos lap she often sat on. Within six months he had leased her a 48,000 dollar lexus promised her 50,000 a year in compensation, a 2000 dollar saddle, and most of all always told her how great she was. I had become obsolete in validating her potential.

Now she knows shes not a loser, and to her credit is doing what seems to be a very involved, good job. However, now I am the loser, and that sucks.

[diotima]

Bleeds, if she is truly BPD she will sabotage her new situation in some way or possibly become totally ruthless--if she is smart she may figure out a way to do that while using the guy.

Diotima

[BleedsOrange]

I truly hope she doesn't. I dont want revenge. I just want peace of mind.

[HardDaysNight]

In hindsight there were  |> I rationalized away as just a bad day or as PMS.  I foolishly thought that if I just did x or y she would be less moody.

Loser?  Never liked that word.  What does it mean?  It is so fraught with social expectations and oft a way to disparage someone different or someone does not buy into materialistic society.  It seems a more apt word for what I see described here is leach.

[diotima]

Bleeds: when I said that "if she is smart she will use the guy... ." I wasn't recommending it but saying it was a possibility. I wanted to clarify.

No, I absolutely did not know that my ex was a loser at the start. He has a successful career--so far, although he is probably on the verge of sabotage by not being able to write more books. It took some time--being accused of weird things and there being odd misunderstandings and abrupt rages and criticisms. I think he held that stuff in as long as he could so it took a few months and then the cycles of splitting and raging started. So by the time the bad stuff started I was very attached to him. Lethal.

Diotima

[bf0207]

All interesting stuff. The 20 signs was really useful. Although I only had about half, it was early days when I got out (well, still trying to lessen the grasp!). Nearly got back with him, but realised that   are too great to ignore now.

Shouldn't have to think 'why is he saying this?' or 'why is he doing this?' 'is he manipulating me or am I going crazy?' on a third date!

Yeah, I feel sorry for BPDers, but I feel more sorry for us guys who have to pick up the pieces. I think if we decide to detach and leave, thinking of them in terms of 'losers' helps. Probably a bit unfair, but those we've left behind are losers. The ones who're making a go of things and trying are not losers though. Good on them for seeking professional help

[RedRightAnkle]

Yeah, I feel sorry for BPDers, but I feel more sorry for us guys who have to pick up the pieces. I think if we decide to detach and leave, thinking of them in terms of 'losers' helps. Probably a bit unfair, but those we've left behind are losers. The ones who're making a go of things and trying are not losers though. Good on them for seeking professional help

I don't think it's that unfair, considering a lot of those BPDers walk away with even worse perceptions of us than just "losers." Plus, the difference there is that a lot of them truly are losers - most of what they will say about us is either completely false or over-exaggerated. "Loser" is sort of a harsh term, but hey, for a lot of these people it seems to fit.

[Clearmind]

When I first met him he was in debt but told me his plan to actively pay it off. I thought that if he had a place to live/love that once the debt was paid off we would live happily ever after. How wrong I was - his issues are way more deep seated than money problems.

DOH!

[Chai67]

Mine was athletically gifted (and let's face it, smoking hot) and I thought I could do all the stuff he wasn't good at - marketing, dealing with customers, oh and of course I was going to "calm him down" when he got angry.  After all, he wasn't angry at me... .yet.

Now, almost a year later, I have an enemy who is doing everything he can to sabotage my life... .after I busted my ass trying to help him.  At least after reading these BPD sites tonight, I am no longer confused!

[T2Logan]

She used to constantly say (well, still does) that she is a loser. I always assured her she wasn't. When I met her she wasn't in school and told me at 18 due to financial issues and her parents she was not able to go to college right away so she worked for 10 years (up to management position). Anyway, I helped her find financial ways to attend college and she is 3 years in, but still considers herself a loser. I personally didn't see her as a loser, though maybe I should've realized a lack of drive, ambition, and self in the beginning.

[Beach_Babe]

why am i surprised at this outcome? She was a loser with a capital L 

[trampledfoot]

Wow this thread really hit home for me.  My gf BPD of 2.5 years whenever we had our very first fight it was a few months in when i asked her what her goals or ambitions were.  She has none still to this day she has no aspirations ... .  ask her what she wants to be... .  she doesnt care doesnt think its important... She is very bright and has a college degree... yet says finding a job is impossible and continues to waitress. I have done almost everything short of dressing in drag and going to an interview for her to help her in the process.  However, all of me trying to help almost always ends in a fight and a rage.