The little things that stay stuck in your mind

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

In one of the more "trivial" beratings, my ex told me (after 8 years of marriage) that I did not know how to open a door for her and that other men always knew how to do it - but not me.  We actually had a series of discussions/arguments and practiced trial door openings in an attempt for me to learn the correct way to open the door for a lady.  Needless to say I ultimately failed the course and so went another unresolvable issue.

I have a female friend that I go to dinner with; each time we walk in a restaurant I try and be a gentleman and open the door for her.  Doing so was causing me some momentary "performance anxiety"  .  But seriously, this is just a small thing that I had noticed got lodged into my psyche.  So I asked my friend, do I open the door correctly for you and she just stared back at me waiting for the punch line.  I did explain the nature of my question and she assured me that I was as much or more of a gentleman than most - which I had already believed prior to conversations with my ex about it all.  Yet, there it was - still lodged in my memory.

Does anyone else have small things like this that have got stuck in their psyche?  Would be curious to hear about them.

JRB

[joeramabeme]

In one of the more "trivial" beratings, my ex told me (after 8 years of marriage) that I did not know how to open a door for her and that other men always knew how to do it - but not me.  We actually had a series of discussions/arguments and practiced trial door openings in an attempt for me to learn the correct way to open the door for a lady.  Needless to say I ultimately failed the course and so went another unresolvable issue.

I have a female friend that I go to dinner with; each time we walk in a restaurant I try and be a gentleman and open the door for her.  Doing so was causing me some momentary "performance anxiety"  .  But seriously, this is just a small thing that I had noticed got lodged into my psyche.  So I asked my friend, do I open the door correctly for you and she just stared back at me waiting for the punch line.  I did explain the nature of my question and she assured me that I was as much or more of a gentleman than most - which I had already believed prior to conversations with my ex about it all.  Yet, there it was - still lodged in my memory.

Does anyone else have small things like this that have got stuck in their psyche?  Would be curious to hear about them.

JRB

[Mutt]

Hi joe,

Do you think that opening a door for a woman triggers the memory?

[joeramabeme]

Hi joe,
Do you think that opening a door for a woman triggers the memory?

Yes, that is exactly what was happening.  I was feeling self conscious about how I opened the door - did I do it right.  Intellectually this was a no-brainer for me - I have opened doors for 50 years before this with nothing but compliments.  Yet, in an attempt to please my ex; I did participate in conversations about such and though I felt she was being nothing more than an annoyance at the time - somewhere it stay stuck and was replaying in a soft voice until I noticed it recently and spoke to it directly. 

There is no more residual since naming it, yet, I was surprised that it was still playing.  I guess it was one of those emasculating moments in my marriage that I questioned my ability to open the door "like a man" and it had some lasting effect.

JRB

[Mutt]

Hi joe,

I recall telling my ex wife that I was surprised that I could breath and walk at the same time and get that right because I couldn't do anything right with her. What I didn't know at the time is that in her mind I was "all bad" it doesn't matter what I do before the split or after the split when I'm split black. That's BPD.

[earlgrey]

I've got a couple... .

My wife... .A new lawn (proper job)... .I'd ripped up the old lawn, dug in new compost, killed all the old weeds, then one morning took delivery of the turf (sod) and by noon the place was green. I was delighted. My wife came home and I explained my joy... .she said why did it take you so long?

my boss... .I was a sales agent I'd been on the road selling in Italy, went to show good resluts from my trip and his first question "why wasn't I in Spain"?

My boss has disappeared into history but my W. is still present, and one thing they both have in common is the 'joy' to ask questions that generates a defensive type answer. That is a pet hate of mine.

[eeks]

Hi Joe.  I am not thinking much about uBPDex anymore, but I am still sifting through my FOO issues (no pwBPD but some individuals with narcissistic traits in my family lineage, a lot of anxiety, depression, perfectionism, codependency, males with anger issues... .to me it all boils down to unhealed trauma) and your post reminds me of some of that.

How much do you think your ex's emotions regarding how you open the door, actually had to do with how you opened the door?  It sounds to me like she had some emotional need (to be cherished maybe) that she was maybe not even aware of, let alone knowing how to ask to have it met in a way that doesn't generate conflict.

It also sounds like the reason the comment "stuck" for you as it did is because it seemed to touch on your masculinity.  We all have our "sensitive" areas, the types of overt or implied criticisms that impact us most, and I suspect it often has something to do with shame. 

You say that as soon as you realized this criticism was playing in the background, and named it, there is "no residual" which I take to mean it is not affecting you.  That's great. Might this also be a good time to check if this is a pattern you have, of taking others' criticisms literally and to heart?  If it comes from an emotionally mature person, criticism might help you grow, but the challenge is sorting out when that's the case, and when it's more about them than about you.

My parents have learned to conceal their personal emotions and individual experiences in "reason" and generalized "this is how the world/society works".  In other words, they would not say "when I did x, I ended up hurt and disappointed", they would tell me "if you do x, y bad thing might happen".  I suppose you could say that they do not take ownership of their fear.  And I didn't really realize until recently that "reason" and "how life works" may be the mechanism they use to dump their emotions onto me.  I often didn't obey them, but at the same time I also did not have the strength to push from within and do things my own way without their support/mentorship. 

I just realized after writing that out that your pattern may be somewhat different from mine, and I don't think there's one universally applicable "solution" for how to deal with others' judgments/criticisms. 

However, an interesting inquiry might be to notice how it feels when you:
1) Look for evidence for and against, like when you noted that your ex said you didn't know how to open doors, but you believed prior to that that you are a "gentleman" and your friend said the same thing.
2) Go a bit deeper and ask yourself whether the things people say about you have anything to do with you at all. Don't get me wrong, here.  If a person did not respond at all to positive or negative feedback, they'd be a psychopath.  What I mean is, seeing criticism as the person saying "My needs are not met" (which of course says nothing about whether you must be the one to meet that person's needs!) and praise as "My needs are met, or my life is enriched in some way by your actions" (I am borrowing some phrasing from Nonviolent Communication there)

eeks

[joeramabeme]

Hi eeks
Thoughtful reply.  I had intended this to be a lighthearted post of sharing memories of small foolish things that were blatantly disproportionate to actual events, known to be false but needing to be recognized and named to move forward.  But as I thought through your response I came up with some interesting insights.

Many of my posts are constructed around the idea of 'why doesn't she love me anymore"; yet, I think this story about opening a door, shines light on the other side of that interplay; I wanted her to receive and value my love for her.  Opening the door was one of many things I did to communicate this message.  Her telling me that I did it wrong and that she did not feel she was getting the same treatment as other men had at least two subtle and powerful messages to me; your act of love is unacceptable and you are not equal to other men.

Funny how when we talk about childhood experiences from dysfunctional homes that the message seems to be constructed from the perspective of the parent not providing what is needed.  Given the discussion we are presently having, I would add something to that understanding - it is just as important for the parent to validate the child by being willing to receive the love a child has to offer.  In other words, the act of love is just as much about receiving from others as it is others being willing to receive from you - a complete 360 degree experience. 

There are plenty of other inane examples of disproportionate responses that, while I still remember and occasionally think of, have not made me question myself.  So, I guess this one stuck because I felt her rejection of my opening the door was tacitly stating that I was unlovable and lacked masculinity.

To complete the topic; if I follow this idea all the way to its logical conclusion, am I in essence asking my friend who is out to dinner with me; am I lovable and masculine?  There are probably shades of truth to that.  I think this is the shame part that you mention eeks; my parents were not available to receive love from me so perhaps, given what I said above about love being 360 degrees, I am still wondering is my love worth being received (the other side of the question; am I lovable) and I know there is a piece about the masculinity that comes from my Father raising his boys to be "real men".

Mutt when I was reading your response referencing being "painted black", I did not make the connection to my story - but with this additional insight, I can see how her response indicates that my love was no longer being accepted and this was in essence "painting me black". 

All of this discussion is in direct contrast to how I had it in my mind previously; pwBPD just do crazy things with no rhyme or reason, which is why I was ticked off when she told me I did not open the door properly.  Ya, she is an instigator, but this stuck with me b/c of my past - not her words. 

Well Well - I thought this was going to be a fun little post of swapping stories - look at me now.  So to achieve some levity how about I say that the moral of this story is that; the devil is in the details - don't poke him if you don't want to know!