Alternative caretaker takes over?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm surprised by how common it appears that people with BPD abandon their partners. What do they have to gain from this, other than self-directed pain and further anguish? Do they typically turn to an alternative caretaker to help them through and cope, while ghosting out their former partner?

[Derek1690]

I'm surprised by how common it appears that people with BPD abandon their partners. What do they have to gain from this, other than self-directed pain and further anguish? Do they typically turn to an alternative caretaker to help them through and cope, while ghosting out their former partner?

[gotbushels]

Hi Derek1690 

What do they have to gain from this, other than self-directed pain and further anguish?

Oftentimes a new partner is not aware of BPD and how to deal with a pwBPD, let alone keep away from a relationship with one. Sometimes, the new person is in such a place as to be okay with what they know in order to enter into such a relationship. Don't forget that early in the relationship, there were good feelings for you too. For them, this can also be a distraction from their pains. I think a pwBPD gains these. They sometimes aren't in a position to see what they're doing--that big picture.

Do they typically turn to an alternative caretaker to help them through and cope, while ghosting out their former partner?

I think that's a good guess. I think that's a good way to describe the process of recycling in terms of the caretaker. This is one way to look what seems to be the usual pattern of how a BPD will exchange placeholders of a drama.

[Derek1690]

Thanks.

Can the replacement caretaker sometimes be non-romantic, for instance a close family relation of the person with BPD, and what if that relative may also have similar challenges themself, how can this complicate how the person with BPD now sees and treats the original romantic caretaker? Thanks.

[gotbushels]

I'm not a practitioner. Also, gentle reminder to qualify your own resources.

I suggest you consult with a suitable T or P if you're interested.

Can the replacement caretaker sometimes be non-romantic,

I think yes.

for instance a close family relation of the person with BPD,

I think yes.

and what if that relative may also have similar challenges themself,

I think it depends on the challenges.

how can this complicate how the person with BPD now sees and treats the original romantic caretaker?

My first thought is that if that new relationship stirs the pot, and you're still linked to the pwBPD, it's potentially more for you to deal with. It can also absorb the challenges. So it depends on the relationship and the challenges. In any case, if the pwBPD in your life is an ex SO with little to no links to you, I encourage you to go about detachment and separation. Going through that tends to produce a non that can protect themselves from the challenges you're probably speaking of.

[Moselle]

The experience with mine was that she phased a previous boyfriend out for me and she phased me out for one of my friends.

I have a friend who's BPD mother did exactly the same thing.

 I know it's not a good idea to infer something from two separate relationships, however it stands to reason that a pwBPD is dependent on a source of supply,  narcissistic or otherwise to sustain a very unstable self image.

I think it would be very difficult for them to live without a host and seduction of a source of supply is something BPD'S seem to be very good at.

Derek, it's tough to be on the receiving end of this kind of stuff. How is this playing out for you?

[pjstock42]

Thanks.

Can the replacement caretaker sometimes be non-romantic, for instance a close family relation of the person with BPD, and what if that relative may also have similar challenges themself, how can this complicate how the person with BPD now sees and treats the original romantic caretaker? Thanks.

I was just going to post about this. In my case, my BPD ex gf's caretaker was her sister rather than another romantic partner so I would say that the answer to your questions is yes. As long as they have someone to support them, believe in their lies and encourage them in their decision making process, they can proceed with whatever terrible things they so desire to do.

[C.Stein]

In my case my ex devalued and eventually replaced me after she broke me and our relationship.  I no longer provided her with the validation she needed in order to believe she is a good person.  It was easier for her to start with a fresh clean slate who hasn't been exposed to her "dark side" than to accept responsibility for the things she did and to fix what she broke.