Broke up with my Ex BDP GF and gone no contact for 1.5 months

[lion88]

Hi  Guys,

I just wana share my story and hope to get some feedbacks on ways to improve and ways to get over it.
I was together with my Ex Undiagnosed BDP Girlfriend for 6 Months, those 6 months was a rollercoaster ride of emotions of High and lows and the unpredictability of her mood. There are definitely sweet times when she is normal , but when it is hell , it is really hell. The reason we broke up was because she caught me lying meeting one of my friend to talk about her. which i clearly was wrong because i felt like i am walking on eggshells , i am not sure whether it will trigger her as the last time we quarrel and i met one of my friend to talk . She would say things like "So your friend told you to say it?" , "Might as well you date your friend, why the hell will u want to date me".  She doesn't stop me from meeting my friends but she doesn't allow me to talk to them about her and she doesn't seem keen to meet them either. In a way i not sure if she is trying to isolate me in a manipulative way.

I don't usually talk about my rs problems with my friends. but only on selective problems like when she hurt me deeply like disrespecting me on the below points. I feel like i wanted validation from my friends , am i wrong? She also accuse me of wanting validation from all my friends and if there is problem between couple , it should be discuss among both person, which i agree. But deep inside me i felt like i needed another support system. someone who can see things clearly for me on the outside because when i talk my problems with her , as long as it doesnt concern her she will have empathy but when it concern like the words she say she will invalidate me my feelings like saying things like "It's all in your head", "Everyone is like that, why are u so sensitive about it" 


Sometimes, she would test me like "Are you okay if i borrow your Credit card, to buy a Mac book", i hesitated for a while because i was going to use my Credit card to buy most of appliances and furniture which might burst and thinking if i help her, i might need to increase the limit on my other card but still i say "Okay sure", but she accuse me of not loving her when i hesitate and say she is only testing me when i told her the reason why i hesitated. There are many times like this that happened, sometimes the time we quarrel i don't even remember what we quarrel about .

Its a high and low from one week to another and i was just anticipating the next lows and try to avoid it.

1.) When i am a little quiet than usual , usually after work, she will accuse me of hiding things from her and say "Why she need to entertain me"

2.)During Christmas Eve Dinner, we were having a good time, then she suddenly bring up her ex (They are still friends and talking terms, i dont mind actually), she say why he can say nice things and comfort her while i always bring her down with words which i clearly say she misunderstood my intentions the other day. She literally say in the past whenever she is feeling down, i would immediately come down and find her at her place. But i did explain that i was moving house, taking a course which i need to do my projects and also work and hope she can be patient with me during this period which i mention to her way before christmas. She literally walk out of the restaurant and i profusely apologize that i hope u understand and i will try to do better but she keep blaming on me.

3.)   She literally kick me out of her house at 3am just because i wanted to go back home and rest after drinking with her and her friends and accuse me that just because i cant have sex today and wanted to go home. But i explain to her saying i wasn't feeling super well and in her room was only a sofa bed which was super uncomfortable to sleep in for 2 person and her mum doesn't allow bfs to stay over.

4.) We quarrel when we are out and she bring her ex out again , saying that he will fetch her and i can go home. I was very angry and feel disrespected because we are trying to sort our issues and you say all those hurtful stuffs. Saying things like  "I dont love you as much as before " etc.



Overall i just feel i was in a toxic relationship, when i broke up with her finally. i felt stupid but i still love her though... is like if this happen to my friend , i would advise them to leave this partner and run away because it is not worth it.

but now i realize it say easier than done, there are so many red flags and i choose to ignore it. But deep in my heart i still hope she will contact me

She say these before we broke up" Sorry i wish it worked out in the end, i learnt to put down my hopes and what i use to yearn from you, but i cant reverse the things i processed anymore and i gotten life without you , and i dont know how to do life with you anymore and sorry i make myself move on so soon and i really dk how to accept you into my heart"

in less than 3 weeks when i desperately trying to talk to her and she doesn't and we only went 1 week contact at that period.

Felt like i have been discarded mercilessly like an idiot

[Turkish]

in less than 3 weeks when i desperately trying to talk to her and she doesn't and we only went 1 week contact at that period.

You broke up with her. Aside from BPD, she might not likely be keen on engaging. Emotions take time to dial down.

That being said, you disengaged due to all of the behaviors you mentioned. I can relate to having your feelings being dismissed and ignored and being effectively told how you should feel (because that's how she feels).

You want to get over it. What does closure feel like to you? What do you envision?