What's the first red flag you ignored?

[Rev]

Here's a question for you -

What is the first red flag you ignored?

Here's mine. Early days, I'd say first couple of months. Now-ex is over at my apartment meeting my son and his girlfriend - they're 15 at this point.  My son is essentially my room-mate at this point. We have a very respectful relationship based on trust.

His girlfriend has a pretty strict curfew and the evening is running by really fast.  So my son's girlfriend calls home to ask for more time. My now-ex helps her do this, but my son's girlfriend's mom is hesitant. So my now-ex negotiates an extra fifteen minutes and then we leave.  I remember so well thinking that was probably the limit of where to push things.  I know my son, know his girlfriend, know his parents. We are rural people - rules are a sign of respect. My now-ex is also from a very small town and I figure she gets this.

And, so off we go to drive the kids home to her place. Adults in the front, teenagers in the back. There's a ritual that we would follow. I would say good-bye to my son's girlfriend in the car, he would walk her to the door. Her mother would greet them and then the adults would give them a couple of minutes of semi-privacy at the door to say good night.

At this point, my now-ex is in the car with us and wants to go talk to the mother in the in the middle of this ritual. I tell her point blank that my son will probably not appreciate that. My now-ex's reaction?  She pauses a split second and bursts out of the car and runs into the middle of the conversation between my son, his girlfriend and her mother.

The ride home was very quiet. I knew right then that I probably should be breaking up with her , or at least really unpacking what happened. I was really upset. But you know, the thought of being alone (that's totally on me) was enough for me to delude myself that it wasn't so bad. 

Took five years to finally learn a lesson that was plain as day in the first few months of the relationship.

Rev

[grumpydonut]

Me: "I'm more than capable of handling you"

Her: "You'll need to be"

[B53]

All of a sudden I was getting the cold shoulder and of course I didn’t know what I had done. He left and went home. Since it was the beginning of the relationship, I still had self worth, self-esteem so I let him go. Later he comes over and tells me that I gave him a look and if I give it to him again, then we are over. I told him I have no idea what look he was talking about and it would be impossible to change something that I am not aware of doing. ,I said that he would most likely see the look again as this is probably a personality trait. Then we talked about what he read into the look. That was the beginning of the end, I should have made a run then. The blizzard accusations continued along with the gas lighting. It all comes on so slowly that you get conditioned to the craziness. It’s like the analogy of putting a frog in water and increasing the heat so slowly that they don’t jump out, even when the water starts to boil. I slow death.

[khibomsis]

The first six weeks we were dating online she didn't tell me she was sleeping in her car. When she eventually told me, I said "O, you must get a place so I can come visit you."  And I supported her doing that. co-dependence

[brighter future]

The biggest red flag that I probably ignored in the beginning with my ex-g/f was the fact that she told me she "always had a rebound to fall back on" prior to marrying her ex-husband because she couldn't stand to be alone. It was at this time or shortly after when she described a fling with an old high school friend. About 6-8 weeks later, she described that relationship in a little bit greater detail calling it "unhealthy and inappropriate." She discarded this guy to start seeing me. At that time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and decided to overlook it. This is the guy she went back to right after leaving me. I suspect that she had him lined back up before the discard. I learned from mutual friends that her ex-husband caught her texting and talking to other men before they separated. One of them was this guy. From what I understand, there were 3 others, and maybe more for all I know. 

There was another red flag about a month to six weeks before the discard. She has a lot of financial issues due to poor decisions in the past, plus she does not have enough income to be able to live in a decent home located in a good neighborhood. I was over there one evening watching a movie with her, and she was discussing some of her financial issues. During that conversation she got emotional, and then the cockroaches started crawling up the walls in the living room where we were watching the movie. At that point, she started crying hysterically and said "________ when in the world are you going to take me away from all of this (and marry me)?" I didn't know what to say, so I just held her to comfort her. While I was holding her, I knew in my heart that I couldn't save her and that she is the only one that can truly save herself. I wanted to tell her that at the time, but I couldn't get the words out. At the time of the discard a month or so later when she asked why we couldn't get engaged, I told her that I couldn't save her (or her children) from her problems and that getting married would only further complicate things. I told her she had to take the big step and help herself but said that I would be there to support her. That wasn't good enough, however, and I was discarded for someone else. Thank God that I had enough wits about me at that time to see that marriage wasn't the answer to all of this.

Maybe once per week, I still wonder what she's up to, and I'll look at her social media page out of curiosity even though I removed her more than a year ago. She made her profile public about six weeks ago. Last week there was an interesting post that told me not much has changed in her life over the last 14 months since our breakup. In her post, she stated that she made decent money but could only work 20-25 hours per week and "is still poor." If she works more hours than that for too long, she begins having emotional issues due to the stress and gets physically ill. This occurred a handful of times during our relationship. On one occasion, I drove her to the emergency room at the hospital while her mother stayed behind and watched her children. They ran a whole battery of tests including bloodwork but couldn't find anything wrong. She suggested to the doctor that it could be a bladder disorder that was making her so sick, and he stated that it could part of the issue. It's my thought that her mental illness is so severe that it makes itself visible in her physical health as well.

[B53]

Another red flag was that all their past relationships failed because of the other person. Never their fault, always the victim.  It takes two to tango. It’s never all one persons fault. Even as poorly as our bps treated us, there were times where we all responded poorly, got defensive, we’re codependent or said the wrong thing. The healthy thing to do is learn from our mistakes, so we don’t bring it with us to our next relationship.

[Rev]

Another red flag was that all their past relationships failed because of the other person. Never their fault, always the victim.  It takes two to tango. It’s never all one persons fault. Even as poorly as our bps treated us, there were times where we all responded poorly, got defensive, we’re codependent or said the wrong thing. The healthy thing to do is learn from our mistakes, so we don’t bring it with us to our next relationship.

My savior complex coupled with my co-dependant behavior never even saw this as a red flag. It went deeper than that. My ex played out that same story. Having her in my life made me feel worthwhile if I could be the one person who loved her the way she "deserved" to be loved.

[hammer]

Things become clearer in hindsight. I knew nothing about BPD until after the breakup of my 4 1/2 year relationship. This sight is giving me a lot of insight. If my ex has BPD, she is highly functioning. I knew her for 5 or 6 years before we got together. She seems so amazing and everyone thinks so and on most levels is amazing. I knew there were things that just didn't seem right, but we all have our issues. Early on, I should have paid more attention to the old saying, if it is too good to be true, it probably is. Moods started to appear early on, but seemed to be related to live stresses. She is an over achiever, super mom, worked in her ex family's company and was also starting to work in my company. I knew she was wanting to work for me to gain financial independence from her ex. I just chalked it all up to that. There were the occasional flare ups, but not too major. About a year into our dating, we had been invited to a charity function as guests of client friends. A week before the event, my cousin's 35 year old son passed away. We were having lunch and my ex-gf asked what time we needed to go to the event. I replied that most likely I wouldn't be able to go because my father and I would be attend the funeral, which was six hours away. She was just about to take a bite of her lunch. In disgust she threw the food on her plate and was clearly mad telling me that the event was really important to her. I was in complete shock. The next day, my client friends, sent her an email saying that they had a sickness in the family and wouldn't be able to attend. She told me and completely understood their position like nothing had happened between us and was fine with it. This type of behavior continued through out our relationship. She would have some type of negative mood and quickly be over it and act as if nothing ever happened. The type and severity of this grew over time.

She has done the same thing with the break up. She left me for someone else, all the while telling me how I was the only one for her. She is upset that I won't be friends with her or talk to her. She still works in my company as she is a major component of it. She just acts as if she has done nothing wrong. If I had planned more on our future, she wouldn't have looked elsewhere was all she said about it all.

[Rev]

Things become clearer in hindsight. I knew nothing about BPD until after the breakup of my 4 1/2 year relationship. This sight is giving me a lot of insight. If my ex has BPD, she is highly functioning. I knew her for 5 or 6 years before we got together. She seems so amazing and everyone thinks so and on most levels is amazing. I knew there were things that just didn't seem right, but we all have our issues. Early on, I should have paid more attention to the old saying, if it is too good to be true, it probably is. Moods started to appear early on, but seemed to be related to live stresses. She is an over achiever, super mom, worked in her ex family's company and was also starting to work in my company. I knew she was wanting to work for me to gain financial independence from her ex. I just chalked it all up to that. There were the occasional flare ups, but not too major. About a year into our dating, we had been invited to a charity function as guests of client friends. A week before the event, my cousin's 35 year old son passed away. We were having lunch and my ex-gf asked what time we needed to go to the event. I replied that most likely I wouldn't be able to go because my father and I would be attend the funeral, which was six hours away. She was just about to take a bite of her lunch. In disgust she threw the food on her plate and was clearly mad telling me that the event was really important to her. I was in complete shock. The next day, my client friends, sent her an email saying that they had a sickness in the family and wouldn't be able to attend. She told me and completely understood their position like nothing had happened between us and was fine with it. This type of behavior continued through out our relationship. She would have some type of negative mood and quickly be over it and act as if nothing ever happened. The type and severity of this grew over time.

She has done the same thing with the break up. She left me for someone else, all the while telling me how I was the only one for her. She is upset that I won't be friends with her or talk to her. She still works in my company as she is a major component of it. She just acts as if she has done nothing wrong. If I had planned more on our future, she wouldn't have looked elsewhere was all she said about it all.

Remove the details of privately owned companies and this is a carbon copy of what I experienced too - right down to working for the same employer, which in our case is rather large and rather public. Watching how she dealt with fallout of our break-up after 5 years gave me alot of insight to who she really is.  Put it this way, whenever I see people in the entertainment industry act out, I see all the signs.

pwBPD can actually be high achievers. It's one way that they choose to regulate - throw themselves into something that validates their creativity and chews up tons of anxiety in the process.

I too should have paid attention to the "too good to be true" phenomenon.  Live and learn. Today, I understand so much better to not ignore things as they emerge. I have a balanced relationship now where we don't assume understanding from each other. Rather we clarify and verify. Every time we do this, we only emerge stronger.

Rev

[hammer]

Rev, thanks for the reply. I am glad to hear you have a good relationship now. I knew nothing about BPD prior to the breakup. I knew something was wrong. I started therapy right after the breakup to help process it all and to work on my self esteem and issues I bring into relationships. I am determined to come out of this on a positive side. Reading a lot of the information here has really helped with perspective. It is such a shame as she is really an awesome person without these traits.
Funny, I am the creative and pretty well known with my work collected all over the world. She has thrived in this situation and is making some really good money now.
I don't know how it will all play out. I know I have to take care of my well being and that is my top priority. How long did it take you to come through it? Any words of wisdom?

[alterK]

B53 I am with you. Early in our dating (I'm still married, but in a very uncertain place) my then GF and I discussed past relationships. I started to open up about things I had struggled to understand that I had done that had contributed to failures. I hoped we could learn from sharing past mistakes. But all the problems she described, all the bad behaviors, were on the part of her exes. The only thing she admitted to was "I chose the wrong person."

If I hadn't had my head so far up my rear end I would have realized right then, that it would be only a matter of time before the same thing would happen with me. "Takes two to tango" is a song she doesn't know. Today she believes the only part she's had in creating our present troubles is that she made the mistake of believing that we could be compatible, that I was a better person than the (expletive deleted) that I turned out to be.

[Rev]

How long did it take you to come through it? Any words of wisdom?

I would say that "coming through it" came in phases.  The first "phase" was to put myself back on the rails through sheer determination. I had lot's of motivation on my end. My ex is abusive and a can be predatory. So, I threw myself into work, surrounded myself with my friends, and lowered my expectations about what happiness would consist of for the short term. I did this through some reality based therapy and that culminated about 5 months after the break up with me slapping a cease and desist when she showed up unannounced at my place of work with sentimental personal effects in tow and her new source of supply.

Phase two was to really educate myself. I wrote a M.A. Thesis on the Male Victims of Domestic Violence and Abuse. That was a big eye opener. Today I am in the midst of transitioning my career and am specializing helping men.  

So now in phase three - two years after the breakup (literally 3 days ago) I have all but stopped ruminating but to be honest I am still not completely there in terms of not getting triggered - because of course we work for the same employer.

So advice - develop your own sense of creativity and spirituality. It's a great way to process the suffering and dissonance. And stay the course over the long run, just like an alcoholic that needs to stay of booze. Some days it was really hard to stave off the negative self talk or the extreme anger I had for her. Today, as that wears off, I am able to see the codependent behavior for what it was. I am now much better able to lay down boundaries in my life with everyone - friends and in my work.  The net benefit is that there in no-one, not one single person, in my personal entourage that is an energy drain. I didn't even need to ask them to leave. They just faded away. And now, I attract a much more positive type of person.

I hope that helps.

Where are you in the process?

Rev

[hammer]

Rev, congratulations on your determination to get through it and to channel it into something very useful and positive. Lots of good things to take away from that.

I am pretty early on in the process. It has been less than three months. She left me for another man. So she has her supply. Not sure what she wants from me, but she really wanted to keep all other parts of our relationship.  She is trying her best to get back into my good graces. I have cut all personal contact and am keeping business contact to text and emails. I will not take phone calls. She is not confrontational.

While I am doing good for the most part, it is very easy to get triggered into anger and pain. A lot of people don't know the extent of our relationship due to work and other factors. So, I run into people that talk about her. If I can stay away from it, I am fine. I know it is going to be a difficult and long road. She works for me and is an integral part of my business. That remains to be seen how it will play out.

[ILMBPDC]

The very first red flag I ignored was when we very first started talking - or, rather, texting/chatting - at work. At one point, I don't remember the context, he said something along the lines of maybe we shouldn't get together because "it will end badly". And of course my codependent self immediately thought that I wouldn't let that happen, that I was different, yadda yadda yadda.  I need to learn to take people at their word.

[IntoTheWind]

Ran home crying on our 3rd date. It actually made me cry too.

[marv1995]

There were so many, but I think the first was the love bombing and mirroring. Him saying he loved me about a month in and acting like I was his saving grace, wanting to spend all his time with me.

[Rev]

There were so many, but I think the first was the love bombing and mirroring. Him saying he loved me about a month in and acting like I was his saving grace, wanting to spend all his time with me.

Same thing happened to me - although I wouldn't have identified it as a "red flag" then. I certainly would now.  I just couldn't believe how much we had in common.  Wow.

[Sappho11]

For the first one-and-a-half years of knowing him professionally, I didn't find my ex attractive, partially because he reminded me of a former roommate I'd once had -- they had a similar vibe and even similar features, despite my ex being infinitely more good-looking.

That roommate had once caused me great distress over the span of several months -- constantly arguing, to the point where I'd be crying and asking "What do you want from me?", at which point he'd be miraculously soothed and all would be well. I had to move out to get away from him, even though I had lived in that particular (nice) apartment longer than him.

As for the first thing my ex did -- he reacted hypersensitively to criticism, despite having hired me to criticise him constructively.

When I finally raised my hourly rate (he'd been enjoying a discounted rate for a year longer than everyone else) by a ridiculously small amount, he immediately cut off the working relationship. Only to turn up one week later, arms overflowing with chocolates, flowers and champagne, showing exaggerated remorse, and wanting to continue working together after all.

In hindsight I have no idea how I could have been so blind to all of these things.

[KittyB]

Day one, initially told me he was separated (picked me up at gym), then admitted later that day that they weren't, but he was unhappy and looking for some happiness. Turns out he has a history of cheating.

A couple of weeks in, said that he was planning to move, get a place, and not tell her until the day he was moving. Didn't want to get counselling or talk to her, had decided that blindsiding her was the best way.

When he moved, blocked her calls and got really angry that she was angry. Only saw her errors and issues. Didn't recognise his contribution to the breakup.

Snapped at me when I opened a bedside drawer while helping him look for remote control, then told me I was a "dick" for being upset, and then told me to go home.

Got really annoyed when I showed up "unannounced", even though we'd made a plan to go out.

Got so drunk that he couldn't get out of bed when I showed up to pick him up for dinner.

Argued with me about some ridiculous issue and refused to "agree to disagree". Dichotomous thinking - ie. everything is black or white.

All of this was basically the first week!

Unfortunately, I had already been sucked in at that point, because he was very sexy, charming, lovely, kind, loving, and we had the best chemistry and sex I'd ever had in my life! I had recently left a passionless marriage and this new guy gave me exactly what I needed.

[Jackal]

Hi Rev,

For me, there were a few red flags. I was lucky enough that she told me right on the first date that many doctors had written in her medical file that she potentially had a BPD. She did not agree with them, and of course at the time, I did not agree either! But this one is a rather obvious red flag

The more subtle red flags were as follows;

1) She had several obsessive compulsive behaviors. Leaving no water around the kitchen sink and the bathroom sink was the first one. I just want to emphasize that it was intense - absolutely no trace of water whatsoever. Sometimes I even made a sustained effort to clean, and I would still be told that there was water or splashes in the mirror. Because I thought I was going crazy or not doing my cleaning job properly, sometimes I took pictures for myself after I was done cleaning only to notice later, when she would criticize my cleaning job, that some "spots" were not made by me...! So you can understand how intense that was. She also had other obsessive compulsive behaviors. I read on the web that of course we can all have obsessive compulsive behaviors without having a more several mental illness. However, people that do have several mental illnesses tend to have many obsessive compulsive behaviors and are overrepresented statistically speaking.

2) She was calling me by my full name, which nobody does. Just to put things in perspective, I have a long composed name. This is not my real name, but for exemple let's take fictitious name John-Christopher Miller. She would call me John-Christopher, not John, not JC, not my nicknames, my full name, and that was at the beginning of the relationship, all the way to the end. In the intimate moments, as well as in regular moments...

3) Being familiar with BDP now, I can say that one major giveaway was the intense idealization of myself. Of course, it felt great to be so loved, but also very strange. It had never happened to me. She would manifest this in repeatedly telling me that I was a great person. Taking the fictitious name from 2), she would say things like: "John-Christopher *pauses for a few seconds*, you are a great person." Other times she would go, "John-Christopher *pauses for a few seconds*, thank you so much for being who you are". Of course I would get text messages before bedtime, thanking me for who I am. I would get written notes, saying how great of a person I was, and again thanking me for being who I am.

4) Her relationships with everyone in her surroundings were strange and tense. She would receive a call from her sister, and both of them were extremely wary of one another, and being defensive. I could tell that her sister was totally walking on eggshells, and trying not to set her off. She also had a rule with her mother, that she was NOT allowed to take the initiative to call her - only my ex could call her or contact her. My ex explained all of this away to me because they all abused her in some way, and that she had to set her limits, etc. In hindsight, I'm not sure how much of the abuse was actually true and how to interpret it. Her sister is a doctor, so I would be VERY INTERESTED to hear her side of the story!

That's about it. As for myself, I will know what to look for in my future relationships. It is a very bad start if the person has a history of abuse (most likely sexual abuse, but it could be something different). Unfortunately, it is so common, more common than we think and I feel a lot of compassion for those people...

Thank you for sharing your experience,

Jackal

[Sappho11]

2) She was calling me by my full name, which nobody does. Just to put things in perspective, I have a long composed name. This is not my real name, but for exemple let's take fictitious name John-Christopher Miller. She would call me John-Christopher, not John, not JC, not my nicknames, my full name, and that was at the beginning of the relationship, all the way to the end. In the intimate moments, as well as in regular moments...

Strange. My ex had a long, five-syllable Christian name which is usually abbreviated to the first syllable. He insisted I call him by his entire name – which was fine by me, because I appreciate formality. What struck me is that he subsequently demanded of everyone else to start calling him by his full name, too. He even ran into arguments at work for this reason.

4) Her relationships with everyone in her surroundings were strange and tense.

My ex once broke down because his father had told him to take out the trash (i. e. my ex's trash). I mean, I get that it's not nice to be bossed around by a parent when you're almost 30 years old, but having a breakdown about it...?

He also never introduced me to any of his friends, short of a 40-year-old acquaintance who was highly intelligent, but wasted his life smoking weed and playing video games. He talked about other friends, but in a very peculiar manner. Almost as if he thought he was closer to these people than he actually was.

At the same time he couldn't find enough words to put me down for having a very small circle of friends (one years-long good friend and a few acquaintances). 

[Jackal]

Strange. My ex had a long, five-syllable Christian name which is usually abbreviated to the first syllable. He insisted I call him by his entire name – which was fine by me, because I appreciate formality. What struck me is that he subsequently demanded of everyone else to start calling him by his full name, too. He even ran into arguments at work for this reason.

Definitely strange! What I forgot to mention is also the unusual repetition of my name. Not only did she use the whole thing, but she would mention it a bit too many times.

Perhaps it is not a red flag for BPD, but more so for some other neurological disorder. My field of study is definitely not psychology - I am a Chartered Professional Accountant - but this seems to be related to someone who would have asperger's syndrome or something similar on the autism spectrum. As per what my ex was saying, her mother was on the spectrum, following always the same routine, going as far as having a predetermined schedule for walks and even sex! If the world collapsed during her walk, it did not matter, she had to finish her walk.

[TheBatHammer]

Too many to speak of, but the friends thing always weirded me out. Everyone was a "good friend", yet she never talked to them, invited them over, saw them, hung out with them, etc. She was easily friendly with people, and got along with people in social settings, but seemed to have few real close friendships that weren't in name only, and the few she did fizzled out after she was confronted about one thing or another.

[Rev]

Too many to speak of, but the friends thing always weirded me out. Everyone was a "good friend", yet she never talked to them, invited them over, saw them, hung out with them, etc. She was easily friendly with people, and got along with people in social settings, but seemed to have few real close friendships that weren't in name only, and the few she did fizzled out after she was confronted about one thing or another.

Yep... had that one too...  lots of friends that we never saw because they weren't really friends.  Or, like you said, they just blew up.

And, added to that, she drove a wedge between me and my friends, especially my closest ones.

Rev

[Rev]

Hi Rev,


3) Being familiar with BDP now, I can say that one major giveaway was the intense idealization of myself. Of course, it felt great to be so loved, but also very strange. It had never happened to me. She would manifest this in repeatedly telling me that I was a great person. Taking the fictitious name from 2), she would say things like: "John-Christopher *pauses for a few seconds*, you are a great person." Other times she would go, "John-Christopher *pauses for a few seconds*, thank you so much for being who you are". Of course I would get text messages before bedtime, thanking me for who I am. I would get written notes, saying how great of a person I was, and again thanking me for being who I am.

4) Her relationships with everyone in her surroundings were strange and tense. She would receive a call from her sister, and both of them were extremely wary of one another, and being defensive. I could tell that her sister was totally walking on eggshells, and trying not to set her off. She also had a rule with her mother, that she was NOT allowed to take the initiative to call her - only my ex could call her or contact her. My ex explained all of this away to me because they all abused her in some way, and that she had to set her limits, etc. In hindsight, I'm not sure how much of the abuse was actually true and how to interpret it. Her sister is a doctor, so I would be VERY INTERESTED to hear her side of the story!

That's about it. As for myself, I will know what to look for in my future relationships. It is a very bad start if the person has a history of abuse (most likely sexual abuse, but it could be something different). Unfortunately, it is so common, more common than we think and I feel a lot of compassion for those people...

Thank you for sharing your experience,

Jackal

Those two red flags where there too for me, not 100% but close.

And yes, it's a difficult start if the person has a history of abuse. I'd say that it would be very important to have a solid friendship with such a person before any romance is involved. It's a question of finding "trust" in the bigger sense of the word.

Rev

[ILMBPDC]

Too many to speak of, but the friends thing always weirded me out. Everyone was a "good friend", yet she never talked to them, invited them over, saw them, hung out with them, etc. She was easily friendly with people, and got along with people in social settings, but seemed to have few real close friendships that weren't in name only, and the few she did fizzled out after she was confronted about one thing or another.

That's interesting - one of my complaints is that he never invited me to meet his friends (though he always seemed to be "going to a party"...during covid) so I always felt like he had all these friends ...but then one time he mentioned that his friends - the ones who always had parties - were moving away and I don't remember the conversation exactly but then said they weren't that good of friends. Like, what?  And that he was trying to meet people because he really didn't have any friends. More what? And he cut off his best friend for 5 months - ok that one made a little sense to me because by that point he had shared that he was he thought he was BPD. Of course this best friend was someone we had worked with and he hadn't know for more than 6 or 8 months before he cut off (meaning he doesn't have any long term best friends). Interestingly they are now speaking again (last I heard) but he has cut me off.

Seriously, the whirlwind of relationships in BPD is mind boggling. Every day I think about how I dodged a bullet...not well, mind you, I did get a little shrapnel, but as I keep saying, it could have been so much worse.

[Rev]

.

Seriously, the whirlwind of relationships in BPD is mind boggling. Every day I think about how I dodged a bullet...not well, mind you, I did get a little shrapnel, but as I keep saying, it could have been so much worse.

Ain't that the truth ...

[Ad Meliora]

Ouuu, good question Rev.

The 1st red flag, had to think a bit.  It was our second time hanging out together alone.  We met at a temp-job and I kinda rallied some people together and formed a little group which met over lunch and breaks.  A digression, but this is how we met, and how my BPDex targeted me.

The first night together was great.  It was supposed to be a small party inviting co-workers, but it was only me that showed.  We talked, drank, listened to music and stayed up til 4am.  She put her head on my lap, and it was then I began falling hopelessly for this person, but that's not the question.

Two days later I invited her to my place to make her dinner on the barbecue (grill).  I asked her if she was okay with the food I was preparing and she said yes.  When she arrived, she complained that she was missing fun time with her friend of 25 years (which she just saw the day before and most of that day).  I served her some food and as I was working the grill I heard her make a pronounced exhale and turned to see her spitting the food on the ground.  I was shocked.  Thankfully it was outside, but she was acting like a child.  She said the pepper was too spicy and had many excuses and made it seem like clearly I was almost poisoning her with the (delicious) food I cooked.

The night didn't improve.  Where the first night at her place I stayed overnight as I was in no shape to drive at 4am, she left my place right after 7pm (less than 3 hours).  Mentioning again how she gave up precious time with her old friend for me.  I was shocked at her abrupt departure.  The night definitely did not go as planned.

I texted her the next day and didn't hear back.  Later that day I texted again, no response.  I texted a random fact about the chair she sat on as she liked rummage sales and said I got it for $1.  She texted something like "Awesome" about the chair.  I asked if I was going to see her again anytime soon.  No response.  It took almost a week to hear back. (2nd and 3rd flags there too?).

Her impulsive and childish response to my dinner should've done it.  I should've looked at her and said, "Oh, of course dear, we'll just do lunch sometime at a place of your choice..." And that would've been that.