Feel alone and cannot believe what he has done.

[delusionalxox]

HI all. Going through a termination today as BPD ex left me pregnant. I can't possibly keep it not least as I am very depressed and near suicidal.

I've got kids, I can't leave them but they are all I am living for. And its hard. BPD ex has disillusioned e so completely. I wasted three years of my life and so much money and energy on a stupid, fake relationship. Yet I still want him to talk to me, apologise to me, explain some things. And he never will. I am the 'psycho' now in his eyes.

I have to go to the clinic soon. I feel sick and so utterly alone. Been restrining myself from calling him. He would not answer anyway, he has sworn never to speak to me again as I am so awful and terrible.

He did not even send a card or brief email to acknowledge that I am pregnant. I shouldn't be going through this by myself. Last time he was here he basically stole from me too.

I know I didn't deserve this rationally, yet it makes me feel like total , just the bottom of the pile. Can't talk to anyone in RL as so ashamed of getting pregnant again (I was very disordered myself in the relationship and didn't set my boundaries properly  including looking after my body. I gave way too much to him including my dignity.   so sick).

It's about 10 days now since he sent his final email denouncing me and wishing me serenity. Ugh.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

Hi Servalan83,

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Have you shared what you are going through today with any friends or family.  Do you have someone who could be with you in these extremely stressful time in your life?

[delusionalxox]

I have family who live a bit of a way away. Am estranged from sister who lives 5 mins away!

It's more that I want to talk to HIM and I want him to explain everything to me, I became obsessed with it and can't handle that it will not happen. He is completely gone and left me with absolutely nothing. Also blaming me for everything and labelling me the psycho.

[nomoremommyfood]

HI all. Going through a termination today as BPD ex left me pregnant. I can't possibly keep it not least as I am very depressed and near suicidal.

I'm hoping I can be of help, here. Your situation sounds absolutely horrific and I can't even imagine how awful you must feel. I've noticed a few people have suggested reaching out to friends and family for help, which is a great idea.

I also noticed you used the phrase "termination," which leads my to think you're in the UK? Might you be able to receive some sort of counseling via the clinic you're visiting? Or perhaps at another local mental health resource? I'm not as familiar with mental health services abroad but, in the US, a description such as the one you gave above would likely qualify or require you for immediate care in many states. The bill is another story.

[allibaba]

I have family who live a bit of a way away. Am estranged from sister who lives 5 mins away!

Do you have any friends that are close that could support you emotionally?  No one should be going through this alone.  We're happy to send e   and other typed support... . I just know if it was me... . I would want someone that I could be with physically.

It's more that I want to talk to HIM and I want him to explain everything to me, I became obsessed with it and can't handle that it will not happen. He is completely gone and left me with absolutely nothing. Also blaming me for everything and labelling me the psycho.

Yup, your BPD ex isn't able to give you the support that you need right now.  All of this behavior is normal for someone with BPD - right down to the 'labelling you a psycho' part.  You are not alone    .

Who is taking care of your children during all of this?  If you don't feel comfortable telling your family what is going on, could you explain that you have a medical procedure that needs to be done and at least get some support with the kids so that you can have some alone time to heal emotionally?

[Vindi]

there are people at the clinic who can help you, when you said "termination"... . they can help you decide on which path is best to choose.a

Seems like he hasn't spoken in 10 days... . how long we're you both dating for, years, weeks or months?

Please tt your clinic, asap, they have help there for you, rational help, logical help. And i think speaking to you bf would just make things worse, he is leaving you pregnannt and not caring, that is not good!

[Suzn]

Servalan so sorry you're having to go through all of this.   It's good it's been mentioned to speak with counselors at the clinic to help you too. We are here for you.

[4now]

 

Do yourself the biggest favor and don't call him.  I repeat, DO NOT CALL HIM.  Likely, it will make you feel so much worse.  I can speak from experience on that one.  As long as he knows you want to talk to him, he has ALL the power and control. 

It is completely understandable that you want to talk to him, of course.  That is normal.  But it won't end well and you know that. 

I too at one time was super depressed from  my marriage.  I get the living just for the kids, 100%.  Yes, those kids need their Mama and they need a healthy, non-depressed Mama.  For a while, I just kept going through the motions for my kids, and, thankfully, I finally came out of my depression.  It sneaks back in once in a while, but nothing like before.  You are experiencing a depression from the situation you are in.  You must get yourself out, but you know this.

It sounds like you are super-emotional, but who wouldn't be given your situation.  Is there any doubt that you are doing the right thing?  Would it help if you had a little time to settle your emotions?  Did you have any pre counseling services? 

Hope that things settle for you emotionally and know that WE are here to listen and support however we can.

[delusionalxox]

HI all, thank you, I wish I had come back to the board yesterday but the process is quite hard on the body. I laid up for the day and watched videos. Had some dreadful moments where i felt like trying to kill myself but I did not and there was a beautiful sunset at the end of the day, which I was thankful for.

I wish in some ways I could have had my baby but I'm very weak and have my own mental health problems, and his/her father would have been absent all his/her life. I also have two other children and a complicated divorce situation which predates BPD ex. It would probably not have been a good life for baby and I would not have coped, I'm  not coping too well now. Still when I saw the sunset I had memories of happy times on the beach as a child and I felt guilty and sad that I may have denied those moments of happiness to this child who has not had any chance. My mother did offer to bring the baby up if I had it (! she didn't offer to support me to live with it, just to take it away to Yorkshire!   which shows you something of my family's weirdness, hehehe. Yep those core wounds that predispose us to BPD relationships!).

Yes I agree and see that ex's behaviour is classic BPD. We were together 3 years but it was a total on/off rollercoaster all the time.  I kept having to draw boundaries as he took money from me, refused to work, demanded more and more (such as a house with home studio space for his music :-0 and his name on the title deeds of a house he would not pay a penny for in UK, when he was planning to start  his career in Asia :-0 funny in retrospect).

On May 23 ex sent the most beautiful email praising me for all my good qualities and saying his priority was to have me in his life at all costs and that if not he hoped we would be good friends. He ended it, 'with all my heart, sorry'.

After that I received a number of obsessively sexual emails asking me to send him fantasies etc, I didn't feel comfortable with keeping that level of involvement as we weere clearly unable to spend time together without rowing so I respectfully told him and that I still felt for him very much and wanted to stay in touch. However, he had taken £50 from my purse when here (on top of food, meals out etc which I was paying for as usual) and promised twice to pay it back. I asked for this. The second time I asked, he went totally cold and after that began to ignore me. I started to feel more and more depressed, I think realising this was the end and I was being discarded. I told him how unhappy I felt (with no attacks on him) and became increasingly agitated when he did not reply. He was my friend forever, right?   After I became upset that was it; he told me to 'stop this psycho barrage', then cut me off claiming he 'would always care but I know you will do this again and again... . I wish you serenity in your life without me and to let go of the hate' and attacking me for asking for 'compensation' (eg the money back he had taken).

The priestly tone of unreachable moral superiority is very typical of him, this was a more detached version. I guess he started to discard me even before the lovely email, which was a coded goodbye. The moral superiority is a red rag to me, I was also unknown to me pregnant and feeling like PMS x 1000 :D I bombarded him with hurt and angry texts, thus fulfilling his view of me as a 'psycho' I guess. I felt completely crazy with pain hurt and abandonment and particularly fury at how he exonerated himself and blamed me for it all.

I did call once only yesterday on skype,  either he didn't answer or it didn't get through, I have blocked him but still called so maybe it didn't register :0 I hope not.

I wanted him so much to acknowledge just a little what I went through. But no, and I know now it will never come. I am too much for him to deal with, I see that.

i think today I finally managed to forgive him. He is fragile and just cannot cope with another person let alone another person suffering. I see that he needs to live like a child and also that I cannot and never could help him. Nor can he help me.

I think I feel able now to wish him healing and a good life. I am thankful for the good times we had which really lit up my life in that surreally intense BPD way.

i don't feel the need to tell him that though. I have let go of trying to communicate with him which I know is a good thing.

I also know that this will not last permanently and I will feel angry again. and  yes I will not call him. He can do me no good at all.

Thankyou all for your concern.

xxx

[Suzn]

So glad to see you back safe and in a better place emotionally. Big hugs to you.   I'm sure you're right you may have some swings emotionally for a bit. Refocusing on you, your health and your children is a good plan, they love and need you too. Forgive me I don't recall, do you have a T for support for what you've been dealing with?

[delusionalxox]

Hi there, unfortunately no T but I certainly need one so am working on it.

It is very hard to get affordable help in UK. A lot of denial and shame about depression.

I ended up isolated going through the termination because I was so ashamed of having gone back to ex so many times and ended up pregnant again  :'( I couldnt really tell anyone. Well I told a couple of people I was pregnant but didn't ask directly for any support and was not offered any. Maybe I wore out sympathy a bit, because it was obvious to all years ago (indeed from about 3 months in) that BPD ex was a sheer toxic nightmare for me and was using and exploiting me plus also criticising me and trying to destroy me emotionally (and recently by criticising my looks etc). Everyone had told me never to speak to him again, many times. I still don't think anyone really understands.

I've ended up in a very lonely place. Suffer from loneliness from childhood and depression from teens,  which I guess predisposes us to BPD intensity and fake fusion.  You're never alone with a BPD partner eh? Until they discard you.

My kids are back with me tomorrow. I feel a terrible mother and role model to them as have been depressed pretty much all their lives, find it hard to cope with the normal tasks of mothering (and even 50/50 as I have, single mothering 2 demanding boys is very hard and I feel I fail all the time and they will grow up damaged because of me).

Still, definitely they will be damaged more if I am dead, so I have to keep going through the motions for them.

[Suzn]

Servalan I will tell you a little secret about kids. They think their moms are the best thing since sliced bread.   they may not know how to express that but they do. And yes, losing you would be devastating to them.

I've gone through depression myself off and on throughout my life and I can share what has helped me the most aside from my T and these boards and that was the searching for positive affirmations and quotes. We have the luxury of the internet today and it was a life changer for me. I am not unrealistic to think I will never have a bad day or be sad about something however I know that serious depression will not be able to get a foothold again in my being. I have searched web sites and facebook pages for these affirmations and quotes and there are too many to count.

Another big help was finding my sense of belonging with friends. Learning about myself had a great side effect and that was to be able to better recognize toxic people and where to place them in relation to that. At arms length has been a good place. I don't have to be unkind, just to be aware of my boundaries. I have a healthier relationship with others today.

Have you considered joining a church if you haven't already? Just a thought, it a good way to become part of an organization and help find that sense of belonging. There are other organizations. Even though my family is spread out across the country I have in a sense created my own family through building healthier friendships and being part of an organization with people who do care about me and my well being. A sense of belonging is an important part of recovery imho.

Hope this helps. Take very good care of you.  

[allibaba]

Servalan,

I have to emphasize again that you are NOT alone.  

Suzn suggestion about finding an organization of people to become a part of is a good one.  If you are not comfortable with religious organizations then there are other support groups out there for addiction and codependency that can also provide support.  

I can relate to your feeling about having worn out sympathy a bit.  I felt the same way with friends and family because I was always going to them with my personal drama.

I am also going to tell you another secret about children.  They are very very resilient.  They need you.  You will never be perfect but you are their mother and they do believe that you are the 'best thing since sliced bread'.

How old are your kids?

Take care and lots of    

[delusionalxox]

The boys are 6 and 9. Still very young (and demanding! heheh. Which is only to be expected.)

I am not religious in any specific sense but I would like to join some supportive organisation or other. Just not sure what there is in UK for lonely and deprssed types. There are a lot of us, but it's a weird and unfriendly society with a lot of showing off and discomfort with emotion (at least in middle class London). I've always got on better with non-British people, who say what they think!