Need advice - how to get past the hurt and pain

[Dancing1]

How do I forgive and forget all of the " crazy " mean incidents for so many years and tears, when I thought it was just that.

I feel so closed off to my spouse , just trying to pick up the pieces, build myself back up , and survive the storms. How do I know if I can open my heart again? And if and when  I do, i  know that it very well may be stomped on again - Then I fear I really won't be able to forgive, despite all that I am learning now,.

I feel badly , but I think I feel worse for the havoc that has dominated our marriage and family and his lack of responsibility and remorse for anything ...

It's just so so sad.

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[Sluggo]

Dancing 1, 

I dont have any sage advice except I understand what you are feeling.   Sometimes it feels like there is so much water under the bridge that it has covered up the ground which to build.  Feeling your pain

[waverider]

You have to learn to be a stronger and more independent person within a relationship, and not rely on being as fully bonded as may have been possible in other relationships.

The path forward is not soly based in forgiveness, as the issues are not in the past, they are ongoing and reoccurring in BPD relationships. It is your ability to live with and around them that needs to be addressed, not just how to forgive.

An analogy here may clarify the process. Imagine you are two trees growing side by side you both have your own roots in your own patch of ground. Your branches are intertwined, you support and shelter each other and flourish. If one tree is ailing it is still sheltered and supported by the other. But as the healthy tree is self supporting and nourishing itself it is not affected by any rot in the other.

Unfortunately we tend to graft ourselves to others and any rot in their core directly affects us.

It is possible to be independent yet close at the same time. You need to find your own stable foundations so that "their stuff" does not readily undermine "your stuff". If you are hurt less in the first place then there is not the same importance on endless forgiveness required.

What can you do to regain control of YOUR life rather than repair his?

That is all you really have control over.

Until you start to see a path forward, it is almost impossible to allow the forgiveness to flow as the past needs to be replaced with a more promising future, otherwise its just a futile band aid.

[lilybear14]

I really really struggle with this too... Some days more than others. I have found myself being triggered by situations that have a history of having a certain outcome, even if it hasn't happened yet, so then I get all anxious and it makes a situation out of it... .

I find it so hard to let go of that hurt and pain, though I dearly want to! The total lack of remorse makes it hard too and when I don't let go of things or bring up the past, I am chastised for it

Thanks for the tree analogy waverider, I can really relate to that. My problem is probably more that I am already intertwined and have the rot set in, so I don't know how to get back to being an independent tree again.

[waverider]

Thanks for the tree analogy waverider, I can really relate to that. My problem is probably more that I am already intertwined and have the rot set in, so I don't know how to get back to being an independent tree again.

It is doable, but it is a slow process and requires you to be strong and focus on rebuilding yourself first and foremost regardless of the conflict it may create. It took a long time to get yourself in this situation, so wont happen over night. The process itself is rewarding and so is worthwhile.

[GopherAgent]

Dancing1... .

Waverider is right. "It took a long time to get yourself in this situation, so I won't happen over night. The process itself is rewarding and so worthwhile."

I feel you angst and pain. The situation is undeniably painful and hurtful. But coming to the realization of this can be liberating and life changing. I'm there right now.

I'm  just starting to take me back and not let the BPD drama dominate my outlook and consume my thoughts. I've got things to do and places to go despite the accusations and hurtful comments from my uBPDw.

I'm finding strength in realizing I don't have to respond to the madness. Especially now since I realize that no matter what I do or say, my views and concerns are always filtered through her BPD colored glasses. I can't tint those any differently no mater how hard I try or how many promises or commitments I am forced into. She controls that and I can't change anything about that. I know because I thought I could and did everything I could for 32 years with NO success except to damage myself in so many ways.

I am now just beginning to respond more rationally to my wife and not say the same lame things I used to say. I'm saying more confident things about my beliefs and needs when buttressed by her reactions and hurtful words.

She has noticed... .because she mentioned that I seem more sure of things lately. I can tell this threatens her world view and rocks her foundation for attacking me and it has thrown her off guard just a little.

Good for me. I'm at least I'm starting to take care of myself and being more true to myself in what I say and believe.

It does get better if you choose to make it better and take little steps forward. Even if your mate doesn't see it you have gained confidence in yourself! You can get better. Choose to do so. Act differently. Your blood pressure will go down and you can gain back some of your lost composure.

[Dancing1]

Thank you for the advise , support and empathy ... This is a tough one .

I hope I can rise to the challenge .

[waverider]

Thank you for the advise , support and empathy ... This is a tough one .

I hope I can rise to the challenge .

Its one baby step at a time, and lots of tumbles along the way.

You will learn a lot about you. You will improve yourself regardless of the disorder. The disorder will only force you to take a good look at yourself, the way you think and the way you interact, with everyone.

I am a far better person because of this then I ever would have been if I had never encountered BPD

[Dancing1]

Thank you wave rider! I agree that I will be a bet tree person if and when I can move forward and not be too scraped up from all my tumbles... It makes me wonder if I'm in this situation to begin with because I never really developed a secure inner self. And this will force that if i want the suffering to stop ,,

I understand and appreciate the sage worse of advice.

[GopherAgent]

Dancing1... .

May I help you look at this differently, please.

You say "It makes me wonder if I'm in this situation to begin with because I never really developed a secure inner self".

May I suggest... .you did nothing, even with an insecure inner self, to have this happen to you. Don't forget... .the person with the BPD had it long before they knew you and you in know way knew about it when your relationship started with that person.

What I hear you saying when you say the above statement about yourself is "I am responsible for the BPD in my relationship because I am flawed. Thus, I think you thinking to yourself that the person who has it (BPD) is an extension of my frailties. Does that make any sense?

Again, you are in this situation simply because it just happened. You did nothing to ask it to come into your life.

In reality, you are free from the responsibility to own it (the BPD) since you don't have it. (How can you truly own something you don't have?) The person with the BPD really owns it, even though they may never come to this conclusion or ever change it. You responsibility is to know it exists in your relationship and to own your responses to it by being healthier and wiser about how you reflect you reactions to it when it manifests itself from the BPD person.

So, step from fear into freedom. Step from terror into relief. Forgive yourself, first and foremost and start on a new path of freedom and emotional liberation.

Hope this helps clarify some of your feelings... .GopherAgent

[waverider]

Dancing1... .

May I help you look at this differently, please.

You say "It makes me wonder if I'm in this situation to begin with because I never really developed a secure inner self".

May I suggest... .you did nothing, even with an insecure inner self, to have this happen to you. Don't forget... .the person with the BPD had it long before they knew you and you in know way knew about it when your relationship started with that person.

What I hear you saying when you say the above statement about yourself is "I am responsible for the BPD in my relationship because I am flawed. Thus, I think you thinking to yourself that the person who has it (BPD) is an extension of my frailties. Does that make any sense?

Again, you are in this situation simply because it just happened. You did nothing to ask it to come into your life.

In reality, you are free from the responsibility to own it (the BPD) since you don't have it. (How can you truly own something you don't have?) The person with the BPD really owns it, even though they may never come to this conclusion or ever change it. You responsibility is to know it exists in your relationship and to own your responses to it by being healthier and wiser about how you reflect you reactions to it when it manifests itself from the BPD person.

So, step from fear into freedom. Step from terror into relief. Forgive yourself, first and foremost and start on a new path of freedom and emotional liberation.

Hope this helps clarify some of your feelings... .GopherAgent

I don't think Dancing1 is saying they were responsible, but that their own insecurities  made them vulnerable to be attracted by the ultra white validating that a pwBPD can pour on someone. I know I was, and it is a common story

If you are a strong self confident person then the idealization of a pwBPd doesn't have the same impact, and you see the red flags more clearly.

But as you say dont blame yourself. Instead repair yourself which includes being realistic about why you were attracted in the first place. You have to be very careful about not going into victim mode and believing there is nothing to change about yourself. You are likely to leave and run headlong into another pwBPD who idealizes you and blackens (validates you) about your last RS. The pattern repeats.

"Why did I get into this?' is a very important, and hard, question that needs to be examined thoroughly

[anncgrl]

  Reading through this subject brought to mind so many things for me. For many years I attracted the same type of people into my personal life. Oddly enough I had friends who were emotionally healthy but family and family I chose was a different matter altogether.

I have been married 5 times. I have, in essence, married the same person five times. Different names, different backgrounds but the end result was the same every time. I know now that I had things in my childhood that kinda programmed me to seek out stressful and unfulfilling relationships. I know now that I sought people who were emotionally unavailable and child-like in their ability to live their lives. Guess what? I was unable to live my life also. In retrospect I know now that no one in this world could have loved me through the darkness and fears of my emptiness. (Please know I am not trying to profile anyone else. This is my experience and insight gained from many years of choosing healing).

I became a funcitoning alcoholic and drug addict. I had two children. I worked and had homes. Mostly I grieved over the fact that the man in my life did not love me, did not understand me, etc. I spent endless hours staring at that pain and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I left marriages believing in what I now know was "magical thinking" that, despite all the evidence to the contrary, I would meet someone and we would be perfect together.

To make a very long story shorter I found myself at a place where nothing and no one could comfort me. I hit bottom in all ways. I cried out to the God of my understanding. It was a horrible time. It was a liberating time. It was the beginning of my walk, that I am still on, to a new way of life inside of me.

Your description of your pain and confusion touched a place deep inside me. I have a post titled "We're Not in Kansas Anymore". My udBPDs and his udBPD girlfriend were in full bloom this past few weeks. My feelings have been so hurt and my energy so drained by the awfulness of it. This is not new to me as I have faced this kind of disappointment and hurt a million time in my life. I don't want to deal with the inside of me. I want to be a child and have someone make it all better. I want the BPD to see how much I have been hurt and apologize and get some help. When I said I do "magical thinking" I meant it.

When I hit bottom I prayed and I chose to seek help. I think God carried me for a long time because I had no idea where help was to be found. The key is that I chose to do something to help myself find a way out of myself, my responses, my reactions, my resentments and rage... .what a mess. I have come to cherish this walk.

It is a blessing to come to a place in your life where the only one standing in your way of change is yourself. My change has come so slowly. I had no idea what was before me. I am still changing today. Recent events knocked me off my feet and I, like you, wonder how I am going to allow myself to get past the hurt and pain knowing full well that these two BPD's in my life have no guarantee to offer me that it won't happen again. I am laughing. They don't know it did happen and that fact helps me. Can you imagine me going to them and trying to explain my side of the story?

I have chosen to stay in my life today. I have a husband with severe depression and a son with BPD and his BPD girlfriend and a daughter who maintains her distance for the most part. I help my 85 year old mother and I have my own peculiarities. As has been said I have come to view my journey as a deep blessing. I would have never found this place in me without things being exactly as they have been.

I have had to let go of my dreams and hopes for what I think is a happy marriage and for the close relationship I would love to have with my son and daughter. There are many good times but between reality and my own imaginings there are often hard times but I seem to be the only person who gets totally unhinged inside, who remembers that a day ago we were in hell while they remember nothing other than a small bump in the road.

Forgive the length of this post. I empathize with you so much. I encourage you to look to yourself and your High Power for your fulfillment. I used and continue to use support groups, I said good-bye to my dreams and hello to my realities. It has taken many wonderful people to guide me, listen to me and be honest with me. I have cried a river of tears. But I don't want myself to be in that place of pain and suffering. And I want to be able to love the people in my family to the best of my ability and to let go of fears and resentments. I want to love them without strings attached. I want to make sure I am cared for and accept that I am the one with the help of God who must choose to ensure I am cared for and cherished. I am right where you are in my feelings and reactions to my son at this moment. I feel you so much. I am choosing to be willing to gain a new perspective through this site and through prayer and sponsors and by the seat of my pants.

Today I have friends I spend time with and I have a get away plan for when I need breathing room for a day or two. Today I know my interactions with the BPD's in my life are going to be difficult at times and totally confusing. Today I know it is not my fault and, in many ways, not their fault. Today I am posting here and I will continue to read the many articles available here that will help me help myself. Is it fair? I don't know. My therapist once asked me, "Whoever said life was fair?"

I  honor you and your current suffering. God knows I understand. Welcome to the journey to freedom from our bondage to ourselves. You are not alone.

[lostandunsure]

I can relate to this very well... .I look back on my relationship with my wife and I see a lot of the pain and hurt. There have been times when I wondered if I/we were going to make it. There is a lot of water under that bridge and sometimes I wonder how it hasn't washed away.

In the last couple of months (which have been quite the roller coaster), since I learned about BPD and realized exactly what's going on, I've realized that I have to be in control of my own mental health. I know it may sound discouraging, and I'm not trying to disparage my wife, but she simply can't. She's supportive when she's not dysregulated, but even then, she simply doesn't have the tool set to be there for me like I have to be there for her. I've come to realize that she has an illness that affects her behavior and ability to regulate her emotions. This doesn't give her a free pass and it doesn't mean that it's easy. I still can be hurt and lost, but it does give me something that I can hang my hat on (so to speak) when times are rough or when looking back at the past.

It helps me too that she is working as hard as she can to try and learn about BPD and how she can better herself. I'm fairly lucky in that, there are so many stories here where the pwBPD doesn't seem to want to change or get better.

So, I try to focus on today and how to make myself better... .What can I learn to better my communication skills and what boundaries do I need to setup to help protect myself when things go wrong... .

[Dancing1]

Thank you ancgirl and lost and unsure for your empathy and sharing. It's so on target it brings tears to my eyes as I read. Ive been saying for years - do people really live like this ? Is this what people mean when they say they have a difficult marriage? The answer is clearly no ... .these Are extraordinary difficult challenges . Sometimes met and others

Not ... I appreciate all the sharing and input...

Thank you !,

Dancing1