When to talk to outsiders

[Coastgirl]

When do you feel it is ok to talk with mutual friends or family about life at home?
My husband was in crisis last week and while I am getting better about disassociating and not taking his verbal attacks personally it still is stressful.
I have very few people to talk with but I have a close mutual friend that I decided to share with. In so many words I said I was worried about him, I am stressed because he is so angry I don't want to be at home and I have finally come to terms with the fact that he has BPD.
We talked about it for 5 min. max and then moved on. My husband and I have since had a productive conversation and are in a decent place. I woke up this morning feeling guilty that I had shared anything at all. That I had betrayed him for talking badly about him.
Logically I know that I was reaching out for support for both of us but I can't shake that feeling.

So how and when is it ok to talk to friends and family about what is really going on at home?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

That's a tricky one and a lesson I'm learning the hard way.

Last year and early this year, my H was in a very bad phase -- lots of emotional and verbal abuse going on. I reached the end of my rope after keeping it bottled up and finally saw a therapist. She recommended I find a family member or friend to talk to as well. Someone I trusted to be discreet, who would listen without judgement and would not get too emotional or try to push me to do one thing or another. That person was my mom -- and my dad, really. They already knew something was going on. They listened and reacted how I knew they would: calmly and without judgement.

I don't regret telling them. But what I do regret is telling my sisters. I was in a real crisis one weekend and spilled too much to them.

A few days after that, H finally clicked with therapy, had a major wake-up call and our situation turned around in a big way. But my sisters still don't want to have anything to do with him and have made it clear they don't support or approve of my decision to stay. (Parents are accepting.) Their rejection has added complications to our recovery.

Long story short: I wish I hadn't told them.

Like you, at the time I needed support. But it was an emotional decision that has had and will have long-lasting impact.

So, to answer your question, you have to choose your person/people wisely and really think through how much you want to say. Are they discreet? Supportive? Nonjudgemental? If the answer to any of those is "No" then they are not the person to talk to.

[Tsunami Sailor]

Hi,

I'm still pretty new to the idea of my wife's u-BPD, although I've been living with it for a long while.  In my experience, it is easier to speak to other family in terms of the more general terms of her "issues"  that are in the way of a smoother relationship.  The few times I've shared my frustrations with other family members, I tend to avoid using the term, "BPD," instead referring to depression and emotional issues.   It is nearly impossible to always suppress a topic that impacts so much of your life.  I understand the guilt feeling, but you need some kind of release, too.

[Stillhopeful4]

I find it very hard to talk to others about my uBPDw issues.  See she kept all the friends.  I have one person I tell everything to and would never say anything to my W.  It's my daughter, she's in her 20's.  She's not judgmental either way and she knows I suspect BPD, as does she.  We never mention BPD outside of our private conversations.  I have found friends and other family members that are not very accepting of me still wanting to work on it.  They are very judgey..ie SH4...why do you still want to be with her?  She's left you how many times?  Look at her, look at you...you can get anyone you want...(clearly not because I want her).  She's never going to change it's been 10 years, blabla.  I even had one friend that told me if I took her back again she would never speak to me again, needless to say I have distanced myself from that person.

[zachira]

You are asking a great question. I like to think of how a guy once went to a party and to everyone that asked him: How are you?, he replied: I just shot my mother." Nobody responded to what he said, and acted like he had replied that he was just fine. In response to your question, many people do not have any interest in listening to others, while some can be good listeners at times, and there are a few people who are incredible listeners though everyone has their limits. I have just one family member I can really talk to about what goes on in my family and in my romantic relationships. This family member, though a wonderful listener, does remind me from time to time, that she cannot have the same feelings that I do, and hopes I understand, and I have told her that I do. I am fine if she likes and enjoys family members I do not care for. I have told her that my mother with BPD never saw me as a separate person and expected me to feel exactly like she did, and I would never want to do that to anybody else. Going to therapy was helpful, because it was the therapist's job to really hear what I had to say and to help me to go forward. I would say that it is important to check in on a regular basis with whoever you choose to talk to whether he/she is willing to listen. It is also important to listen to and show interest in the person that you talk to. The reason my cousin likley is so wonderful in listening to me, is I have a genuine interest in her, and listen to her at length. We do not have one sided conversations. Our conversations are lengthy and consider the needs of both of us, while giving constructive feedback to each other from time to time.