Childlike Emotional Outburst

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had not heard of BPD until about 2 weeks ago. After reading of behaviors associated with BPD I highly suspect my wife has it. My daughters and I have dealt with her wild emotional swings and rages for many years.

I watched the video on the Homepage of this website and one aspect of BPD struck me like lightning -- Childlike Emotions. We experienced this to the fullest during an incident this summer...

Our family was on our houseboat boat anchored in the middle of the lake. I had just inflated a large float and my wife was laying out on it...only I had neglected to tie it to the boat. My daughters and I weren't paying attention when suddenly we heard my wife start screaming, "HELP ME!"  Only it wasn't a normal yell for help; it was a child-like, sobbing, panicked yell. I jumped into our kayak and paddled out to tow her in. When I got to the float she was sobbing and yelling at me in this child-like voice, "You were supposed to be watching out for me. You're supposed to take care of me".

It wasn't just the words she was saying but this voice, like from deep inside her, that freaked me out. It freaked out my teenage daughters too who witnessed this. After getting back on the boat my wife sat quietly by herself for a few minutes and then it was like nothing ever happened. My 17 year old said to me, "Wow that was strange drama".

My wife has seemed to get worse and worse over the many years we have been married. I'm hoping I can learn some techniques to cope with this. My wife's entire focus in life is our daughters. My fear is once both daughters leave for college next year our marriage will not last.

[Mark35054]

I had not heard of BPD until about 2 weeks ago. After reading of behaviors associated with BPD I highly suspect my wife has it. My daughters and I have dealt with her wild emotional swings and rages for many years.

I watched the video on the Homepage of this website and one aspect of BPD struck me like lightning -- Childlike Emotions. We experienced this to the fullest during an incident this summer...

Our family was on our houseboat boat anchored in the middle of the lake. I had just inflated a large float and my wife was laying out on it...only I had neglected to tie it to the boat. My daughters and I weren't paying attention when suddenly we heard my wife start screaming, "HELP ME!"  Only it wasn't a normal yell for help; it was a child-like, sobbing, panicked yell. I jumped into our kayak and paddled out to tow her in. When I got to the float she was sobbing and yelling at me in this child-like voice, "You were supposed to be watching out for me. You're supposed to take care of me".

It wasn't just the words she was saying but this voice, like from deep inside her, that freaked me out. It freaked out my teenage daughters too who witnessed this. After getting back on the boat my wife sat quietly by herself for a few minutes and then it was like nothing ever happened. My 17 year old said to me, "Wow that was strange drama".

My wife has seemed to get worse and worse over the many years we have been married. I'm hoping I can learn some techniques to cope with this. My wife's entire focus in life is our daughters. My fear is once both daughters leave for college next year our marriage will not last.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Mark and welcome!

You've found the right place. We're a supportive community with a lot of skills and experience to share that can help you.

I, too, came to this site shortly after a realization and my first time hearing about BPD. In my case, it was an instance of "childlike emotions" that helped clue me in that something was not right. My husband was having a full-on meltdown and started sort of batting at the air with his hands. It suddenly hit me, "That's what I've seen toddlers do in tantrum mode." It was a sort of scary realization.

As for the focus on your daughters, enmeshment with one's children is very common in people with BPD. It's like they can't separate themselves from the children. It's not healthy.

When you feel like it, please let us know a bit more. What other behaviors does your wife exhibit that lead you to suspect BPD? What are some main problem areas in your relationship?

Also, have you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells? It's the book that led me here, actually, and it was a HUGE eye-opener for me.

I hope you'll keep reading and posting -- including in other members' threads. You never know when you might have some advice that could help someone else!

[Mark35054]

I'm reading "Eggshells" now -- about 1/2 way thru.

My wife exhibits many of the traits they prescribe to a "High-Functioning BP".

I knew some of my wife's family background when we married but a lot more info has come out over the years...  Her father was definately mentally ill. He was escorted out of the house twice in a straight jacket. One of those times it was because my wife, at 10 years old, called the police because her father was toppling over furniture and threatening her mother (never did hit her). When I met my wife her father had mellowed out a lot due to the heavy daily doses of lithium he was on.

Before we married my wife seemed very comfortable sexually and had told me about all the one-night-stands, 3-somes, group sex, and girl-girl experiences she had had. Over the course of our marriage she's become more and more sexually repressed and emotionless when we do have sex. I suggested we try some new positions or techniques other than "starfish"  to spice up our sexlife. She told me absolutely NO --- any thought like that brings up painful memories for her. Then I finally realized after all these years --- her constantly mentioning how she has never felt worthy (of love) --- all those sexual experiences were just her attempt to get validation that she was worthy of being loved.

[Ozzie101]

Sex can be a hot-button topic with any relationship but, as is often the case with BPD relationships, here it can get amplified. Painful memories, a hyperactive sense of shame -- they all mix together in the cocktail, unfortunately.

Many members here have talked about the lack of sex. (In my case, my H went the opposite way.)

Has your wife ever seen a therapist?

[Mark35054]

I recently suggested to my wife that we ought to see a marriage therapist to work thru some of our issues.

She said it won't do any good unless I'm willing to change. She sees all of our conflict as all because of me.

[Ozzie101]

That's another very common thing: being blamed for all the conflict. My H blamed me for everything when he was in his bad phase. Sometimes it's a matter of transference to avoid blame/shame. Sometimes it's an example of their emotions taking over. It can be kind of complicated.

Do we share some of the blame? Usually, yes. Even without knowing it, we can and often do contribute to the dysfunction. That's a valuable lesson I learned here. But no, we're not the source of all problems.

Is therapy something you've ever considered for yourself? I began to go last year and found it very helpful -- another layer of support and some good insight from a professional. I found someone who has some experience with BPD -- something you should look for if you do ever decide to give it a try.

Could you explain a little more about the conflict you experience? For instance, are there some common hot-button topics? When the two of you have an argument, how does it usually go? (I hope you don't mind the questions. But the more we know, the better we're able to help.)

[Mark35054]

Our biggest issue is my wife's low sense of self-worth.
I can't make a suggestion without her taking it as a personal attack. If I give my opinion on something she will immediately put me down for it and take the opposite view.

I run a successful business from home that brings in 4/5 of our income. She always says I don't understand what it's like because "I don't have a real job". She, ironically, has a Masters Degree in Psychology yet takes jobs as a secretary.

My wife is always the martyr --- Whenever we had issues with our daughters within minutes she would twist things around and make it about her ... they don't respect her ... if they loved her they would...

My wife's employer will not allow overtime. But she will clock out and then stay an extra hour to be sure to be caught up. This led to our most recent arguement --- They were having a Board Meeting so she went in on Saturday for 3 hours to be sure the food and drinks for the luncheon arrived and were set up (not her responsibility). I commented that it's not right that she work for free. She's not on salary. She got upset and accused me of not supporting her.

[Ozzie101]

Sometimes what we say and how we say it makes a HUGE difference in communication. Not saying it's your fault at all. Just that sometimes it helps to look at what we may be "saying" without saying it. Being in a relationship with a person with BPD can, at times, be like learning another language.

People with BPD tend to be extremely sensitive. Imagine someone giving you a light thwack on the arm. Might sting slightly, but no big deal, right? Now, imagine you already have a third-degree burn on that arm. Something that seems like a mild suggestion to most people could sound to them like "You're wrong. Everything about you is wrong. You're awful."

With the working overtime thing, it sounds like your wife may be seeking validation and a way to build up her sense of self-worth. It's not a fully logical way to do it, but it helps to see through her logic, not yours.

Again, I'm not saying any of this is your fault. But I know that, for me, it really helped our communication when I started looking at what I was saying and how it might come across to my H.

Here are a couple of articles I found really helpful:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Have you read those?