My birthright and the bowl of stew. [Bear with me, it will make sense.]

[tryintogetby]

So, there's a story in the Bible about two brothers.  The older is set to inherit everything, but he spends too much time out in the field hunting, and feels like he's about to die of hunger.  He finds the younger brother making some stew, and begs him for some.  The younger brother says, "Fine, I'll give it to you if you sell me your birthright."  The older thinks, "I'm about to die, whattheheck difference does a birthright make?"  So, he sells his younger brother his birthright, eats the stew, and goes on about his life.  Some translations say that he was "indifferent" to the fact that he sold his birthright, and others say he "despised" his birthright. 

I feel like that older brother right now. 

All of my life [I'm in my thirties] I've worked low-paying jobs, despite the fact that I'm a good writer and a good musician.  I've worked for the food we needed RIGHT NOW, because we were out.  I've worked till I was exhausted, then I've gotten addicted to things like Facebook and [seriously] online message boards.  That's why I don't come here as much as I like, even though you guys are the only ones who really understand. 

I finally joined a twelve-step group for online addictions, and another for consistent, compulsive under-earning. I started setting goals for writing again.  Despite having three kids and a difficult pregnancy, I started actually getting up early in the mornings and writing. Three weeks later, I got a temporary JOB as a social media manager. WHAT?      I even looked into getting a full-time job in the same position. What the heck is WRONG with me? 

The same thing happened this past summer.  I went to a songwriter's conference, came back so enthused and ready to work, and then we hit a serious financial crisis.  I went and worked two jobs all summer, and with childcare costs, hardly made ANY money when the smoke cleared. 

I wonder---why do I keep selling my birthright?  I wonder if it has something to do with that missing "sense of self" that Joan Lachkar and Christine Something-or-other [the author of "Understanding the Borderline Mother"] say that kids of PDs suffer from.  I know my husband is also a serious under-earner, but it's not all his fault.  I KEEP reacting the same way to financial crisis.  I keep not seeing my talents as having any value.  I keep selling my birthright. 

It used to be a lot worse.  I used to live under a horrid religious-patriarchal mindset, that said women have to totally submit to men and spend their lives making their homes a fairy-tale for their kids.  I did it to myself, reading books that claimed to show me how to be a "TRUE Godly woman."  It was a direct response on my part to living with such a nasty abusive mom.  It was also completely heretical.  I did not want to become my mother, so I swung SO far in the opposite direction that... .once again, I sold my birthright.  After I realized how totally freaking wrong it all was, my therapist said it may have been my way of "regulating back to normal."  I went as far away from women who hit and kick and scream at their husbands as I could---all the way to totally submissive and smiling and cooking and bringing him slippers---and now I'm trying to find "normal." 

I don't just want to be "normal."  I want to be me. 

How do I stop selling my birthright?  How do I say, "This is me, this is what I need, this is who I am, and this is what I'm going to do, regardless of whatever crisis hits?" 

Sorry this got so long--thanks for reading

TTGB

[Marcia]

This is such a thoughtful post, thanks for sharing your story. One thing I believe is that we allow ourselves to be punished or emotionally abused when we deep down feel that we deserve to be punished. This is 50 percent of the abusive relationship issue. So, I think that when we can convince ourselves that we are not guilty or horrible people (and you wouldn't be on this board, sharing and reaching out if you were), then things become clearer.

Of course, easier said than done... .

[pessim-optimist]

I wonder---why do I keep selling my birthright?  I wonder if it has something to do with that missing "sense of self" that Joan Lachkar and Christine Something-or-other [the author of "Understanding the Borderline Mother"] say that kids of PDs suffer from.  I know my husband is also a serious under-earner, but it's not all his fault.  I KEEP reacting the same way to financial crisis.  I keep not seeing my talents as having any value.  I keep selling my birthright.

I don't just want to be "normal."  I want to be me. 

How do I stop selling my birthright?  How do I say, "This is me, this is what I need, this is who I am, and this is what I'm going to do, regardless of whatever crisis hits?" 

Sorry this got so long--thanks for reading

TTGB

Hi TTGB,

I know how you feel.    Have been there myself (still trying to get out of 'there'  ). I think you hit it on the head with the missing sense of self... .

I would explain it this way: you are not selling your birthright (you are not getting anything in exchange), you are giving it away, because growing up, you were told in so many ways and in so many words that you are not good enough to have a birthright.

And perhaps there is part of you that knows that that is simply not true, but life's experiences have taught you that you don't get to have a birthright, even if it's rightfully yours... .

Is there a way to change it? I think so. It will most likely happen little by little, not by huge jumps. The key is to be gentle with yourself and to internalize the fact that NOBODY is perfect and that it is OK to not be perfect. Another thing I am working on is conquering the FEAR of FAILURE, and the fear of the unknown. What helped me the most in moving on was the book "The Narcissistic Family" - it finally clicked that I CAN change - by slowly adopting new behaviors IN SPITE of feeling fearful, not ready and uncomfortable. Before, I waited to feel ready, waited to get stronger. I am discovering that we get stronger and more confident by doing (little by little it gets better).

Maybe I am 'preaching to the choir' here, but I still often need to remind myself of these things.

All the best TTGB!

[BlueCat]

This struck home with me too.  I have read that many children who grow up in abusive, invalidating homes become *over* achievers to try and prove to themselves they are worth something. But some of us internalize the feeling that we are not worth anything and instead we become under achievers. It's as if we feel we have nothing to prove because they are right and we're not good enough to get paid (or get paid enough) or good enough to run that group or write that story or whatever.

I wish I knew what the magic bullet was to fix this, but I'm guessing there isn't one. Probably, as passim-optimist said "little by little it gets better" by slowly working our way in the right direction. I'm 44 and still struggle with this but I'm much better off (mentally and emotionally) than ever before in my life. I figure by the time I'm dead, I'll be perfect

Hang in there! Realizing this junk is the first step to tossing it

[pessim-optimist]

I work hard and I know that I am good at some things. It may be the perfectionist in me (the criticizing parent that I internalized) that is telling me that it's not GOOD ENOUGH. And frankly, I did not have the strength in the past to fight it and the accompanying anxiety - I just wanted some peace, so I gave up, or chose things that are not challenging that I CANNOT mess up.

Could it be that we are not only afraid of failure, but also afraid of responsibility (because we could NEVER do anything right/well enough)?

But I am working on it. And after giving myself permission to be gentle with myself, and permission to be good enough - not perfect, and permission to fail at things that are new/unfamiliar, permission to feel afraid  - and talk gently to myself that it's ok, and I can do this,  guess what? Things are getting better - I am more peaceful, am learning new skills with less anxiety, and I am improving at fighting some phobias. I haven't gotten that good paying job yet, and haven't written that book I'm planning to yet. But things are starting to look up, and I am more comfortable in my own skin.

Give yourself a hug, you deserve one.