Trying to reason with nonsense

[Hediditagain]

I have only kept about 3 emails but as you can see below I am trying to reason with the unreasonable. I have already mentioned here many times that I have known this person for 20 years and first had a live in relationship 20 years ago when I was 18 which lasted 3 years ... .it must have been so easy for him to manipulate and bully me then and I am sure I had PTSD as I didn't remember the raging but I did always rememeber the jealously ... .20 years on and I am vunerable after a 8 yr relationship (6 of that married) and I called him! I thought we could be friends but being vunerable after my divorce I allowed him to suck me in again ... .I had seen him numerous times over the years but being in a much stronger mental state had managed to resist the pull.

Anyway, now I am a woman not a child and I am reasonably successful, very independant and have to be strong for my child. I also work in a male dominated industry so have toughened up quite a bit ... .here is an excert of me trying to rationalise and I didn't even know about BPD ... .I won't publish his response ... .that's not fair

I'm more than happy to see my own short comings but you are not ... .you don't understand that it's not about abusing someone and someone always being right or wrong it's about being adults sitting down and having a discussion. Relationships are about comprise and the only person that was doing any compromise was me. You can't talk about anything ... .it took me more than a week to pin you down to have a conversation about the x but you wanted me to invest ... .

The response was 'You are always right!' ... .it's not reasonable nor rationale ... .

It's really impossible isn't it ... .and you all know how draining.

I hate to say it but I have had a look at the staying board and I really feel sorry for what some people are putting up with (I don;t mean to be disrespectful) but on the other hand I still miss him too (I'm not sure what that says about me) ... .the drama gets addictive, the intensity is definitely addictive ... .why oh why oh why ... .none of it can be rationised.

[Hediditagain]

I should really check my speeling before I post!

[2010]

You can't talk about anything ... .it took me more than a week to pin you down to have a conversation

Putting you off for a week was done on purpose. Passive Aggression is a form of control. There's a great workshop on the abusive nature of the silent treatment on this link... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0 

[Hediditagain]

Thank you 2010.

Obviously I was having a moment when I wrote this ... .I think I am starting to drive myself insane trying to understand the insanity of it all.

I will do that workshop as I could never understand why he couldn't sit down deal with issues like an adult. Obviously 20 years ago the issues were different ... .I was angry the other day but now I see I am back almost to the denial ... .I don't want this to be him and am finding it very difficult to accept that he didn't love me.

I have to move on from here so will give myself another week here to try and find acceptance of the situation and possibly forgiveness ... .although I think I am almost out of forgiveness after the last 7 months of this cat and mouse game.

[sunrise2010]

Thank you 2010.

Obviously I was having a moment when I wrote this ... .I think I am starting to drive myself insane trying to understand the insanity of it all.

I was angry the other day but now I see I am back almost to the denial ... .I don't want this to be him and am finding it very difficult to accept that he didn't love me.

But you can't understand! How can we all understand something so crazy, so far from how we think, we feel, we behave? You'll really get insane if you keep trying to understand. Instead of focus on the disorder, if I were you I would focus on what you said "am finding it very difficult to accept that he didn't love me."

Me, I tried so hard to understand the disorder because I found so hard to accept he didn't love me (anymore).

Just a suggestion.

[Hediditagain]

Sunrise,

I know and I need to move on from this because Life is too short to hang onto this.

I'm just astounded that I have known this man for 20 years ... .well I didn't know him did I? I had now idea what I was dealing with at the time ... .the hurt is unforgivable ... .my head knows what's happened but my heart is still not listening. Unfortunately, I am a very forgiving and emotional person ... .I feel like the only time I can feel reasonable in both my head and my heart is when I am angry at the way he has treated me ... .but I am not an angry person so that doesn't really fit with my inner being.

I have have a 5 year old beautiful little girl and I really need to live in the now for both of us.