The Angry Stage - thoughts?

[ArtistGuy70]

Need thoughts please.

Ex BPDgf broke up with me about 7 weeks ago. According to her:

1. she did not love me anymore (that changed two weeks later)

2. that she did not think we would ever get married and have a baby

Now about the baby. Over the last 6 months or so, she has dropped hints and made jokes about having a baby. For the years before this, she was modeling and kept on how she never wants to have one. We joked around a lot so I would joke with her back about having a baby. When she was upset with me after our breakup, she talked about how having a baby was the most important thing in the world to her. I told her, well you should have talked to me in a serious fashion.

On her facebook page today she wrote:

When you laugh at, disregard and make unimportant the needs, desires and dreams of your significant other, don’t be surprised when you turn around one day and they are no longer there. But instead, are sharing those needs, desires and dreams with someone who makes them feel like there is nothing more important in the world.

Wow. Diss to me! Is this her angry stage now? I ignored her last email to me as well as a comment she made to me on a forum.

What do you guys think?

[Believe]

Hi there. First, let me say I'm sorry you're going through all this.

You asked at the end of your post, "What do you guys think?" Well, honestly, I think if you want to be NC and start healing YOU, you shouldn't be Facebook friends with her or reading her page. If the relationship is not something healthy and you want it to be over, you have to stop caring about what she thinks, what stage she might be in, what her motives are for saying something... .you need to start focusing on YOU, what YOU think, what stage of grief and change YOU are in, what YOUR motives are... . 

I speak from experience. I'm quoting the advice I received here in the early days of my breakup. Take care of YOU.

[seeking balance]

What do you guys think?

I, respectfully, think you should block her FB and stop causing yourself unnecessary hurt.

I think she did exactly what she set out to do - push your buttons.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh - not my intent at all.  It is so hard to stop wondering what they are doing and FB really has set more of us backwards on this forum than almost anything else.  Myself included at one point.

[ArtistGuy70]

Very true.

[Im.okay.now]

Hi there. First, let me say I'm sorry you're going through all this.

You asked at the end of your post, "What do you guys think?" Well, honestly, I think if you want to be NC and start healing YOU, you shouldn't be Facebook friends with her or reading her page. If the relationship is not something healthy and you want it to be over, you have to stop caring about what she thinks, what stage she might be in, what her motives are for saying something... .you need to start focusing on YOU, what YOU think, what stage of grief and change YOU are in, what YOUR motives are... . 

I speak from experience. I'm quoting the advice I received here in the early days of my breakup. Take care of YOU.

Very nicely said Believe ... .cutting the strings and all contact has worked very well for a lot of people on here.

AG70 - keep on reading her FB if you really have to ... .but it will only make you even more miserable than you feel now.

Maybe if you try to look at it this way ... .ever hear the expression "the cure is worse than the disease". You might be thinking that the cure to your broken heart is to stay connected in some way ? But even with this post about her FB comment you are probably more miserable than you were before you read it.

If you think about it ... .what did it change in your life to know that knowledge that you gained by reading her FB ? from over here it obviously did not help you any ?

I understand how you feel as i have been there (oh boy ... have i been there !). The only real cure to my broken heart was a BIG spoonful of NC every day ... .meaning ZERO contact of any kind. Its the only cure tht really helped.

Take care.

ION

[fogbound]

Stop the self-inflicted wounds, Stay off FB, delete texts and email and don't respond to calls. If you don't you are assured of feeling lousy.

Trust me. I've learned the hard way.

[innerspirit]

It's all hypothetical now -- a cheap shot when she doesn't have to take any responsibility for having a baby.  It's about a distorted sense of entitlement, on "principle."

I had the opposite -- before we got married, X declared I had to commit to having kids.  Sure enough, after we'd been married a while, he did a total 180 -- kids were the force that kept him from hanging with his high-school buddies, now "family guys" -- and kids were the force that depleted their parents' energy, patience and money.

As far as FB goes, if the tree falls in the woods, you're not obligated to be close enough to hear it or get hurt by it.

It's for a cyber-audience and for more drama from you -- like she's writing "Surrender Dorothy" in the sky, and playing games by wording it in a vague, philosophical way.  You don't have to play.  Not worth it.  Break the contact, and control what YOU can.  It doesn't have to be your angry stage.  (It's called an extinction burst on here.)

[2010]

Well, let’s talk about those “needs, desires and dreams, “shall we?  Like most Borderlines lacking identity- it’s very important that she latches on to someone else to support the “needs, desires and dreams.”  Otherwise, she’d be at the sperm bank.  Next step psychosis, Octomom.

People are hosts are used by a Borderline (note: easiest victims are romantically inclined.) The “need” is a person they feel can “host” them. In a clandestine allowance of perverted narcissism, they present a strong opinion on this- as if it’s your fault that they don’t achieve all that they set out to be.  And *being* someone, involves YOU.  Similar to malignant narcissism, but with a healthy dose of blame for unsupporting cast members.

The underlying tenant of this facebook post is that you are responsible for her failure to be someone. And not just someone who is single, separate and individual- but a subsumed someone. This subsumed identity consists of the desire for three people; you, her and a baby.

Baby doesn’t know it yet, but baby will indeed become a borderline baby, thanks to mommy’s thinking  Mommy will use baby to shield her from your withdrawal.  Baby will be used in much the same way as you are being used. To support her identity.

The needs, desires and dreams are of *you* taking care of *her* and the child cements your obligation.

Make no doubt about it, this isn’t her biological clock ticking, and it isn’t about YOU. It’s about a drifting, unconscious, seeking behavior that desires attachment to others in exchange for safety and security (that’s where baby comes in!)   Baby becomes you’re responsibility to support. She keeps you attached this way.

Realize that attachment disorders are real. They are not necessarily limited to specific gender, but there is a gender bias because of societal pressures. Women get pregnant; Men are required to support the child. This is a Borderline’s dream loophole. This is what having a child allows. To a Borderline, this is the future- and the future is a “need, a desire and a dream” to keep you around.

*Do not* feel guilty about thinking about the ramifications of this. Get away and think. RUN if you have to. If you don’t appreciate that, then go back, get involved and marry her.

But before you do, take a look at the on-line dating sites. Find a profile (don’t worry, there’s thousands of Borderlines to choose from.)  But find one that says, “Currently separated with two children.”  That’s a Borderline seeking another “need, desire and dream.”   It’s an attachment disorder. The only way you can help this person is to have them stand on their own two feet. Just like you do. And you know what that takes. Let alone. Let go. Let live. LOOK AWAY. 

[ArtistGuy70]

Well, let’s talk about those “needs, desires and dreams, “shall we?  Like most Borderlines lacking identity- it’s very important that she latches on to someone else to support the “needs, desires and dreams.”  Otherwise, she’d be at the sperm bank.  Next step psychosis, Octomom.

People are hosts are used by a Borderline (note: easiest victims are romantically inclined.) The “need” is a person they feel can “host” them. In a clandestine allowance of perverted narcissism, they present a strong opinion on this- as if it’s your fault that they don’t achieve all that they set out to be.  And *being* someone, involves YOU.  Similar to malignant narcissism, but with a healthy dose of blame for unsupporting cast members.

The underlying tenant of this facebook post is that you are responsible for her failure to be someone. And not just someone who is single, separate and individual- but a subsumed someone. This subsumed identity consists of the desire for three people; you, her and a baby.

Baby doesn’t know it yet, but baby will indeed become a borderline baby, thanks to mommy’s thinking  Mommy will use baby to shield her from your withdrawal.  Baby will be used in much the same way as you are being used. To support her identity.

The needs, desires and dreams are of *you* taking care of *her* and the child cements your obligation.

Make no doubt about it, this isn’t her biological clock ticking, and it isn’t about YOU. It’s about a drifting, unconscious, seeking behavior that desires attachment to others in exchange for safety and security (that’s where baby comes in!)   Baby becomes you’re responsibility to support. She keeps you attached this way.

Realize that attachment disorders are real. They are not necessarily limited to specific gender, but there is a gender bias because of societal pressures. Women get pregnant; Men are required to support the child. This is a Borderline’s dream loophole. This is what having a child allows. To a Borderline, this is the future- and the future is a “need, a desire and a dream” to keep you around.

*Do not* feel guilty about thinking about the ramifications of this. Get away and think. RUN if you have to. If you don’t appreciate that, then go back, get involved and marry her.

But before you do, take a look at the on-line dating sites. Find a profile (don’t worry, there’s thousands of Borderlines to choose from.)  But find one that says, “Currently separated with two children.”  That’s a Borderline seeking another “need, desire and dream.”   It’s an attachment disorder. The only way you can help this person is to have them stand on their own two feet. Just like you do. And you know what that takes. Let alone. Let go. Let live. LOOK AWAY. 

Wow. I really appreciate your thoughts on this.

Yes, she blames me for not giving her a baby. She never had the serious conversation about it. She only brought it up with hints and jokes (after years of saying she never wants one). I noticed she only started bringing this up when she went through another bout of depression and started to self medicate.

Oh no, I am not falling into this trap. She has been acting so strange and it alarms me. I know she will just do this again and again to me. She needs help and is in denial.

[BillP]

I agree with those above me who have posted about n/c and working on yourself. I am only a few weeks out of a r/s with an BPD g/f and even though we are both on f-book, I won't look at her page. I am also in the "Angry Stage" of my recovery. I don't hate the ex, but I do "HATE" the illness and what it's cost me. If I never see or speak to my ex again, it will be too soon. For me the trust is gone, and hopefully soon, the anger will be as well.

Besides, if she ever reads what I've posted on f-book, her head will explode. But I don't care if it makes her mad. It stopped being her issue the day she tried to commit suicide. Then it became our issue. Now... .she can have it back. Is that hateful?

[thats_priceless]

Yes it is... .

But it is also an important part of the healing process.

Best wishes to both of you!

~That's Priceless

[BillP]

I agree with those above me who have posted about n/c and working on yourself. I am only a few weeks out of a r/s with an BPD g/f and even though we are both on f-book, I won't look at her page. I am also in the "Angry Stage" of my recovery. I don't hate the ex, but I do "HATE" the illness and what it's cost me. If I never see or speak to my ex again, it will be too soon. For me the trust is gone, and hopefully soon, the anger will be as well.

Besides, if she ever reads what I've posted on f-book, her head will explode. But I don't care if it makes her mad. It stopped being her issue the day she tried to commit suicide. Then it became our issue. Now... .she can have it back. Is that hateful?

If you folks don't mind, just a follow up. After finding out she was going to my f-book friends list and blocking everyone on it. I decided to rachet it up a bit, to make sure she'll never contact me again. I'm not proud of what I posted on that site, but I've had to learn that with people with this illness, sometimes, you really have to be cold and callous. I'm sure she has seen all of the pics, and the posts I put on that page, and now, she's finally removed herself from the site. She may come back with a different profile, but I don't think so. I know I will never get proper closure, but I believe this will be as close as I can get to that.

Is it safe to say at this point, I can be assured that the BPDexg/f is gone for good.

Also, I got a vm from her psychologists office a few days ago saying that the home # had been disconnected and that she has missed a few appointments. They obviously don't know that we have split. Would I be wrong to contact the Dr., and pass on thast information?

[getnyc]

Hi I am going through a similar issue with my diagnosed BPDgf.  She broke up with me 10 days ago after being in a 10 yr relationship.  I think that she split me black three months ago.  The reason I think that is that shes been acting really cruel and cold towards me and everything I do or say is wrong.

In any case she broke up with me about 4 weeks ago and then cam to my house three weeks ago to talk about things.  She basically told me that the situation we are in is all my fault, because I have never given her the emotional support that she needs, and that I do not understand her feelings and she wants to be married and have kids and that shes 32 and time is passing her by.  I never move forward because of all the arguments and fighting I always felt hesitant.  In any I am going through a tough time here.  I can't stop thinking about her and what shes doing.  I know I need to think about myself and move on but its not easy.  I am super depressed and I hate the fact that I am focusing on someone who doesnt care about me and is out enjoying their life and moving on.  I befriended a friend that we have in common on FB yesterday as soon as she saw that she blocked me (it was crazy, I think it took her 5 minutes to block me).  In any case I agree that keeping tabs on FB or any other way just makes it harder.  I know for me every time I do it, it feels like I hit the reset button.  In any case I can't really offer advise other than to just say your not alone.  I just hope I can get moving forward with my life and stop obsessing about this.  Can someone please show me where the exit is?  I want to get out now.

[BillP]

Hang in there, these folks are correct. It does get better. I know in my case, it definately has, and those who are around me have noticed the difference. I canactually laugh again, and now I'm starting to feel better about myself. There is no magic pill, it just takes time. But sadly, sometimes time can be just as cruel as the ones who have inflicted their pain on us.

Maybe you can find something you like, or have put off for a while, and turn your attention to that. I know for myself, getting back into music has been extremely helpful to me.

I wish you the best of luck.     

[Polska74]

Hi,

As others have said, it is probably a good idea to unfriend her from Facebook as you can see her status and she can see yours. My DW hacked into my FB three months after our split, and used the info on there as a weapon  . Thankfully she is too paranoid to have an account herself  .

You will feel lousy for a while in NC, & you will probably be on a rollercoaster for a while, but it does get better.

Good luck and best wishes