Lude and lacivious?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Throughout my r/s with xhBPD we were usually okay if it was just the two of us but when we went in public (where-ever) he seemed to always put on a show. His comments are always sexual in nature to lift him up and put someone else down. I never witnessed him have a normal conversation with someone else. NEVER! He always put people down. I remember we went to vote once and while standing in line he was talking to a man in front of him. I heard him say the people here are too stupid to know that they are voting for the wrong person. They are too stupid to know that the gov't will not help them. WHAT! Why would he say something like that? He just called everyone in the room and in the area "stupid"! He moved to a southern state from the west coast about ten years ago. I understand he has his opinion but come on!

He and I went to a restaraunt SAturday night and while sipping on margaritas the waiter came to see if we were ready to order. My x said to him, "Give us a few minutes. She has to seduce me and do lude and lacivious acts to me in the booth first." Why in anybody's imagination would he make a statement like this? It wasn't funny (I told him so)! It was totally inapproprite for the conversation and the situation. It was disrespectful to me and to the waiter. I realized it in the moment but even more so yesterday after he left and even more today. We were having a jumbo margarita when he said it and had been laughing and actually having a good time. This goes back to a post I entered a few days ago about feeling dirty when I'm with him. I feel like I'm slumming. I does feel familiar though. Even from childhood but I digress. I don't like feeling this way now. Time with him causes me to go into a depression slump. I should not be seeing him at all but I find myself here again. And not to make excuses but I feel helpless against him. I know I'm not. I am an adult now and can make my own choices and am making my own choices and  obviously not very good ones concerning him.    ?

[lifeisgoodx10]

Throughout my r/s with xhBPD we were usually okay if it was just the two of us but when we went in public (where-ever) he seemed to always put on a show. His comments are always sexual in nature to lift him up and put someone else down. I never witnessed him have a normal conversation with someone else. NEVER! He always put people down. I remember we went to vote once and while standing in line he was talking to a man in front of him. I heard him say the people here are too stupid to know that they are voting for the wrong person. They are too stupid to know that the gov't will not help them. WHAT! Why would he say something like that? He just called everyone in the room and in the area "stupid"! He moved to a southern state from the west coast about ten years ago. I understand he has his opinion but come on!

He and I went to a restaraunt SAturday night and while sipping on margaritas the waiter came to see if we were ready to order. My x said to him, "Give us a few minutes. She has to seduce me and do lude and lacivious acts to me in the booth first." Why in anybody's imagination would he make a statement like this? It wasn't funny (I told him so)! It was totally inapproprite for the conversation and the situation. It was disrespectful to me and to the waiter. I realized it in the moment but even more so yesterday after he left and even more today. We were having a jumbo margarita when he said it and had been laughing and actually having a good time. This goes back to a post I entered a few days ago about feeling dirty when I'm with him. I feel like I'm slumming. I does feel familiar though. Even from childhood but I digress. I don't like feeling this way now. Time with him causes me to go into a depression slump. I should not be seeing him at all but I find myself here again. And not to make excuses but I feel helpless against him. I know I'm not. I am an adult now and can make my own choices and am making my own choices and  obviously not very good ones concerning him.    ?

[lifeisgoodx10]

I feel like I'm going backward instead of forward.

[marcelle]

Hi,

Going backwards, then forwards again seems to be the norm for a lot of us here; be kind to yourself, it's a process.  Last night I was a mess as today is my uBPDexbf's birthday so I was remembering the happy time we spent together last year.  Today however, waking up, hungover and feeling like crap made me get a little mad, so I made a list.  I made a list of the good points and the bad points; you can guess which list was longer.  One of my 'bad' points was 'inept social skills'.  For example;

1. Being loud and rude to a Hotel receptionist because he couldn't give us a discount on our room; so much so I had to walk away in shame.

2. Picking a massive fight with a waiter on New Year's Eve because he wouldn't let us take the table decoration (a small christmas tree) back to our room.  Again, I had to stand by and be shamed by his outburst.

3. Telling a group of Arab friends that one of his staff had complained about his constant use of offensive language at work, laughing about it and saying 'what's his f@*#ing problem?".  The "f" word is HIGHLY offensive in the Arab culture.

I was always a bit on edge when we were out, so we stopped going out.  I try and remember these things when my brain gets flooded with the 'good stuff'.  The good stuff has to transcend all parts of a relationship, not just the intimacy bits (I speak for myself in that respect).

You deserve better  x

[lifeisgoodx10]

Thanks for you input Marcelle.

I don't know what's gotten into me with this guy (xhBPD). I've never in my life not been able to walk away from someone or something that is causing me pain and humilation.

[marcelle]

Me neither, it's quite a revelation!  After much thought I think it's because they come along at a time when we are all very vunerable.  Their skill (whether manipulative or not) at showing us such INTENSE levels of affection, passion, tenderness etc etc pushes certain buttons, fills a void even.  For us women (and not to offend the men), this is amplified because it's what we dream of experiencing with a man but seldom find.  The highs we had felt are like a drug, we want more.  So we go back and tolerate the 'other stuff' as a sort of side effect I suppose.  I'm no expert, by any means, , I can only say all this as I evaluate my own situation.  I will never really know if my exbf is BPD or just a total s@*t, but one thing I do know is that the speed of which I 'fell' and the behaviour I tolerated speaks volumes; but more about me than him.  Not healthy.  First day at therapy tomorrow (first time in my life!), so here's hoping!  And if it makes you feel any better,  I may articulate well but I'm a mess really, .  Seven weeks apart during which I've re-engaged multiple times.  To no purpose except to add to my hurt and humiliation, as he moved back in with his exgf three weeks after we broke up.  So, like I said, be kind to yourself and try and see the bigger picture and the life you could have... .x 

[2010]

lig10, You are likely dealing with a Narcissist, not a Borderline. Borderlines are deficient in self. Narcissists are grandiose. They suffer a grandiosity gap from the fantasy of being above average to the reality of being average like everyone else. Malignant narcissism is a pathology of envy. They use others to gain attention in order to fend off the feelings of being common and ordinary. Standing in lines, for instance- is one way to frustrate a narcissist. When they feel undeserving of commoner status, they act out and get bad attention instead.  Any attention is good attenion to a narcissist- as it eliminates the fears that they dont exist.  The fear of not existing and being someone famous or special becomes a compulsion in a narcissistic mini cycle to fend off depression. 

Narcissists are also misogynists because they feel women are weak and inferior and they tend to frustrate women to feel better. Right now you are being used like the waitress, as an object, but also as a receptacle to witness and to store away the narcissist's moments of glory.  You can then recount them back to him later when needed. (i.e.; did you see what I said to those people? or those people today were so stupid... .etc.) This leads self-contempt when the dust settles for the Narcissist and he must then project this contempt onto you (“lig10 is starting to think I'm an ass, so I'll show her by making her think she's an ass”) The aggression directed at you tears your self esteem down until you become manageable again and the perfect foil for his acting out behaviors of grandiosity. It is a cycle and it's not going to stop.

"Absent attention - the narcissist disintegrates and self-annihilates. When unnoticed, he feels empty and worthless. The narcissist MUST delude himself into believing that he is persistently the focus and object of the attentions, intentions, plans, feelings, and stratagems of other people. The narcissist faces a stark choice - either be (or become) the permanent center of the world, or cease to be altogether.  This constant obsession with one's locus, with one's centrality, with one's position as a hub - leads to referential ideation ("ideas of reference".

If people are happy - they are egotists for ignoring him. He is convinced that his behavior is continuously monitored, criticized, compared, dissected, approved of, or imitated by others. He deems himself so indispensable and important, such a critical component of other people's lives, that his every act, his every word, his every omission - is bound to upset, hurt, uplift, or satisfy his audience." Vaknin.

www.samvak.tripod.com/6.html

[lifeisgoodx10]

You are likely dealing with a Narcissist, not a Borderline. Borderlines are deficient in self. Narcissists are grandiose. They suffer a grandiosity gap from the fantasy of being above average to the reality of being average like everyone else. Malignant narcissism is a pathology of envy. They use others to gain attention in order to fend off the feelings of being common and ordinary.

I have believed up until recently that he is above average as he has a Phd in his field and he knows something about everything it seems. But I’ve begun to believe that he’s not all that. A lot of it is his promotion of himself.   

Standing in lines, for instance- is one way to frustrate a narcissist. When they feel undeserving of commoner status, they act out and get bad attention instead.  Any attention is good attenion to a narcissist- as it eliminates the fears that they dont exist.  The fear of not existing and being someone famous or special becomes a compulsion in a narcissistic mini cycle to fend off depression.

2010, Yes standing in lines with xhBPD (NP?) became a dread for me. He always made condescending remarks and usually sexual remarks. He would make fun of people in line and once we were checking out at the grocery store. He was holding the bags plus trying to pay the cashier and I asked, “Can I hold something?” He thrusts his pelvis upward and looked down while doing so, to insinuate that I could hold his penis. I was extremely embarrassed and so was the male cashier. I just looked at the cashier and said, “He flatters himself.”

I think this is very rude and degrading. 

Narcissists are also misogynists because they feel women are weak and inferior and they tend to frustrate women to feel better. Right now you are being used like the waitress, as an object, but also as a receptacle to witness and to store away the narcissist's moments of glory.  You can then recount them back to him later when needed. (i.e.; did you see what I said to those people? or those people today were so stupid... .etc.) This leads self-contempt when the dust settles for the Narcissist and he must then project this contempt onto you (“lig10 is starting to think I'm an ass, so I'll show her by making her think she's an ass”) The aggression directed at you tears your self esteem down until you become manageable again and the perfect foil for his acting out behaviors of grandiosity. It is a cycle and it's not going to stop.

I do think he thinks women are inferior. It explains why he tries to exploit them/us and put on a show for them until he catches them. But he is totally intimidated by men. He disliked my dad and my brother, from the get go for no reason. It’s as if he picks arguments with men so they will not like him. 

You’re right I do feel objectified most of the time. The women he holds in high esteem are the ones who didn’t/don’t put up with his crap. He will hold me in high esteem to other women as he holds his ex in high esteem to me.


p.s. Your post also describes my dad maybe even more so than xhBPD/NP. hmmmmm