Was your exBPD obsessed with status, money and clout like mine?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex let me know at the end of our relationship that I was not pretty enough, wealthy enough or didn't have a good enough family background to settle down with me. He was always very concerned about how he dressed, opinions of others, not making scenes in public, and coming off as very intelligent. He was always on the "hunt" to associate with people who had great job titles, had money and had connections. He himself comes from a wealthy family, but none of them trust him with their money b/c they know of his erratic behavior. He is very intelligent, but has never followed through on anything. He is severely scattered (quite possibly adhd) and talks big, but is always in chaos.

My question is... .did anyone's ex have these same tendencies? This is very disgusting to me.

[gitana66]

My ex let me know at the end of our relationship that I was not pretty enough, wealthy enough or didn't have a good enough family background to settle down with me. He was always very concerned about how he dressed, opinions of others, not making scenes in public, and coming off as very intelligent. He was always on the "hunt" to associate with people who had great job titles, had money and had connections. He himself comes from a wealthy family, but none of them trust him with their money b/c they know of his erratic behavior. He is very intelligent, but has never followed through on anything. He is severely scattered (quite possibly adhd) and talks big, but is always in chaos.

My question is... .did anyone's ex have these same tendencies? This is very disgusting to me.

[Mystic]

My ex let me know at the end of our relationship that I was not pretty enough, wealthy enough or didn't have a good enough family background to settle down with me. He was always very concerned about how he dressed, opinions of others, not making scenes in public, and coming off as very intelligent. He was always on the "hunt" to associate with people who had great job titles, had money and had connections. He himself comes from a wealthy family, but none of them trust him with their money b/c they know of his erratic behavior. He is very intelligent, but has never followed through on anything. He is severely scattered (quite possibly adhd) and talks big, but is always in chaos.

My question is... .did anyone's ex have these same tendencies? This is very disgusting to me.

Yep, I think I got tossed under the bus simply because he had a well off family member offering him a place to stay in their lovely home and they supposedly had connections to lucrative jobs in their area.  Once that offer was made, everything here changed.

So if that's all he was about, then good riddance.  Toodaloo, buckeroo.  Money has yet to make anyone a decent and honorable person... .and it doesn't buy happiness. 

 

[Backtome09]

Actually every pwPD in my life (there's a bunch) was/is obsesssed about what I call, "looking good on paper". Everything looks great on the outside, they are vapid empty shells on the inside. They have/had to have the right house, the right look, the right job, and the proper mate.    Nothing else matters to them.

[2010]

My ex let me know at the end of our relationship that I was not pretty enough, wealthy enough or didn't have a good enough family background to settle down with me. He was always very concerned about how he dressed, opinions of others, not making scenes in public, and coming off as very intelligent. He was always on the "hunt" to associate with people who had great job titles, had money and had connections. He himself comes from a wealthy family, but none of them trust him with their money b/c they know of his erratic behavior. He is very intelligent, but has never followed through on anything. He is severely scattered (quite possibly adhd) and talks big, but is always in chaos.

Gitana, you've just described a Malignant Narcissist.

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:

    * Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

    * Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

    * Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

    * Rarely acknowledges mistakes and/or imperfections

    * Requires excessive admiration

    * Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

    * Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

    * Lacks empathy: is unwilling or unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

    * Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

    * Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitude.

The difference between NPD and BPD looks very similar on the surface but becomes distinctly different in times of intimacy- when someone who appears to be a narcissist becomes submissive and expects to be punished. That's the first clue that you're dealing with a Borderline with false self

[strings]

Mine was obsessed with status, eventually leaving me because I wasn't successful enough to 'take care of her'.  Never mind I raised her son for nine years, staying home for five, so she could focus on her career.

She had to have the large house, the Cadillac suv, the debt-free existence, excellent credit, the Mediterranean cruise, the hot guy, and retirement at 55.

[OverBoard]

two words... .Gold Diggers.

Mine too, was always looking for the Million Dollar Man (or woman) and prior to me was dating just that. When I found her dating sites she was looking for "Trust Fund Babies"... or "Something HOT and Rich"... it appears though everyone in her past with the exception of a few were very, very well off... and yet, she still got kicked to the curb eventually. A Doctor, an Attorney, a self made millionaire business owner... all under 50 y.o. Then I come along and she hands me a line, "I've had all that, it's not worth it. I've been admired, had my way paid for, never a want for anything... and trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. The "price" is too high for the "return" (wow... sounds like hooker material to me?). She convinced me that "we" would work on making a life together and that she wanted me for "me"... I do own my own home and car (the bank doesnt', had some finances tucked away when I met her (gonnnnnnnnnnne NOW!) and was doing okay. Had a great job (that is GONE as well, thank you very much) and well, when things required her to help out... like pay a small bill or to cut back til we got on our feet... HELL NO! Then I was an abusive, controlling monster and the smear campaign began IN the relationship.

Obsessed with status, money and clout is an UNDERSTATEMENT with mine. She failed to mention (only found out from her parents) that the millionairre Hubby NO. 1 kicked her to the curb for cheating and literally ruining him... NO. 2, ran from her and left her after 3 yrs, inbetween... the others? All sucked in... and one put her in jail for forgery, and yet another walked away and one put a restraining order against her... what the hell does that say?

Just makes me sick to my stomach. Gold Digger... period.

[Backtome09]

2010, I've dated both types (NPD and BPD) and they were both self absorbed gold diggers. Yes there were variations on a theme. I could tell the NPD was a cheating mess when I met him. The BPD just hid the lies better. Wolf in sheeps clothing. For that, the BPD was much much worse. Sometimes the evil you know is the lesser of the two.   

[alig2]

Gitana, you've just described a Malignant Narcissist.

I wondered this too, when I first read the initial post. 

Gitana, this is very similar to two guys I dated in college, one whom I was with for about 3 years.  He never told me directly but about the last year, there was a definite sense that I wasn't good enough for him and he was embarassed by me in certain social situations.  He was always about status and exaggeration on many levels--- whether it was his degree (he took a certification course after college but of course, to him, "I essentially have my master's degree" LOL!), on and on and on... .

For the longest time, I have always felt that I wasn't good enough for him.  After dating the BPD last year, I realize I've attracted a lot of men over the years with PDs.  College bf's was subtle but still there and I look back now on so many    I should have picked up on.

[tori3297]

Definitely.  My uBPDexh left for a woman with money.  My ex always had a lot of grandiose ideas such as the type of house he expected to have (never owned a home before we were married but ours wasn't good enough), the type of car he would own some day (BMW), the places he would travel to (Europe), etc but never had any plan of acquiring these things on his own.  Working hard and saving for things was not a part of the plan.  His plan was to latch on to someone that could supply them. 

[confused101]

Yes a huge amount of snobbery. Mine bought into the idea she was completely unmaterialistic, down to earth and not in anyway driven by money or status. Obviously the reality was somewhat different.

[ArtistGuy70]

Mine was obsessed with it all. She tried to get me to believe that while material things were nice, my attention and love is what she really needed in life. Hmmmmm. I doubt that.

She had an affair with her short, ugly ass, rich, married boss who is 20 years older than her for years before I met her. He bought her everything under the sun. Left her money on her nightstand sometimes. Spa treatments, hotel trips, caviar, champagne, shoes, earrings, jewelry, home improvements, etc. I am positive it went on now and then during our five years. The moment we went on a break, she ran to him. He took her away to a fancy resort. Bought her a necklace and earrings, shoes, clothes, paid for her new landscaping and sprinklers and who the hell knows what else. All she talks about is money and material things. She was posting on her facebook page (before i blocked her ass) pictures of shoes, boots, purses, things she wants. A user to the end. I am so glad she is out of my life. Toxic hit_.

[Hediditagain]

Over the last few weeks I have realised that my exbf was NPD with some BPD symptoms (SP?).

Status money and clout:

Let me tell you about his. I am 8 years younger than him.

He tried to get me to buy an investment apartment with him for $520K but I couldn't tell anyone. The reason he wanted to buy this is bc he doesn't have enough savings for retirement (I'm 38 he's 46).

He claims he only employs refugee's bc aussie don't work hard enough reality is that he can manipulate these people bc they don't have permanent status in this country and pay them crap. He can also pay out his racism on them and prentend it's a joke. Quite sickening.

When I got back with him after 18 years I told him I had a new car as I was excited. Mines a work car and I told him that but he told me he also had a new car and it was a Mercedes ... .months later he told me "I told you the Mercedes is second hand and 10 years old' not that I care but he lied.

Oh I could go on and on all night.

[2010]

There's always some confusion on the board between NPD and BPD. Even Masterson wrote about the confusion in his therapy, the Masterson Approach. Some people present themselves as narcissists because they dont have any other idea of how to hide their lack of self, so they create a false self that covers up their insecurity. The behavioral bottom line is the reason for that insecurity.  Borderline personality disorder clings and distances while Narcissism over-values/devalues and eventually discards.

Many Men claim that their BPD wives and girlfriends were narcissistic gold diggers but they were really describing Borderline. The narcissistic gold digger description is a woman living in a fantasy world. That's certainly someone who wants to cling on to a perception of power in order to exist.  Proof of existence is narcissism- but if that's the case, why does she cling to another human?

With Borderline, the perception of power is apart from the self- the power is sought out in others to cling to. The clinging behavior causes a Borderline to be fearful and anxious and extends to various acting out behaviors when the power source is perceived as withdrawing. A Borderline will seek out a rewarding object to provide her with a home. Plastic surgery, expensive clothing, sex, etc. are all used for valuation to attract the initial rewarding object and then stem the withdrawal of the object once it's clung to.

Borderline Men also do this- but they cling in ways like House husbandry, sex, etc. that are all used for valuation to stem the withdrawal of the rewarding object.

Narcissists, on the other hand, dont cling for survival. They dont go after people to host them like Borderlines. They are obsessed with clout, money, power and seek out attention in these matters by sending out narcissistic signals. Their power is in an isolated self- a false self- that subsumes others.  If a Woman comes along with her own home, a Narcissist will seek to subsume her- not cling to her. Envy is their pathology. Attention is their drug. Everything has to be perfect, including you, because you represent them. When you are not perfect- they are not perfect- and you will be axed.

Narcissists have grandiosity and suffer greatly when the gap between their ideals and reality grows too large.  Too large a gap and you will pay dearly in rage. They hate to be common. Narcissists will seek out someone to tell them they are wonderful and the dynamic begins all over again after the last source of attention is devalued.

The two disorders are completely different.  One talks about how great *they* are while the other talks about how great *you* are. Both pd's have a false bond. One may "lie" better than the other if only because it is a matter of attachment life or death. Of the two, Borderline is the more manipulative. Borderlines have rewarding/withdrawing fears of their chosen objects they cling/distance from. They will seek out new reward while keeping the old on the back burner, but they have a deficient sense of self- preferring to use yours (your SELF) instead.