Anti-projection exercise--switching the "I" and "you" in pwBPD's statements

[Ankakusu]

I decided to take some of mother's nastier rants at me and do the exercise that many people have alluded to here of taking "you" and replacing it with "I" or "me." As in, "I hate you!" becoming "I hate me!" It really works! I could never really believe that she was accusing me of having the qualities and doing the things that she hated about herself until I did this. Here are some examples:

When I was six, my friend from down the street came over. While we were coloring, she asked me why I didn't celebrate Christmas, and we ended up having a nice, casual conversation about what we do on Hanukkah, and what we do on Christmas, and how we get presents on both holidays. It was a six-year-old level Teachable Moment, and we were both fine with it. We finished playing, and she went home. Mother said goodbye to her and her mom with a plastered-on smile and waited until they drove away before turning to me and snarling and hissing into my bewildered face, “You made a…CONTEST out of Christmas and Hanukkah! You are SO RUDE! You don’t know how to host people! You’re a bad hostess! You can’t ever have friends over again if you keep doing that! Maybe I just shouldn’t let you, how’s that?”

I was confused and annoyed for a long time after that--I didn't feel like I had done anything wrong, but I was scared because she was so angry, and worried that I could be magically rude and hurt people and do bad things without knowing it. I wish, instead of being hypervigilant afterwards, I could have known that what she meant was this:

“I make a CONTEST out of Christmas and Hanukkah! I’m SO RUDE! I don’t know how to host people! I’m a bad hostess! I can’t ever have friends over again if I keep doing that! Maybe I should just stop, how’s that?” She was a self-styled "tolerance educator" but was really all about the martyrdom, and it must have galled her to see her six-year-old interacting positively with a member of the majority religion regarding religious traditions in a way that she never could.


Another example: When I was eight, a family friend's daughter, uNPD/BPD ensis, and I had a minor three-way squabble, which we solved ourselves and got over, but mother grabbed me, dragged me down the stairs, and started shaking me violently, while hissing, among other things,  “You have a real vindictive streak in you! That I can’t get out! You’re a fundamentally evil person! In order to be half as nice as normal people you’re going to have to work twice as hard, and even then you probably won’t succeed! I don’t know what I did to have a daughter like you! It’s too painful!”

So this is what she meant: “I have a real vindictive streak in me! That I can’t get out! I’m a fundamentally evil person! In order to be half as nice as normal people I’m going to have to work twice as hard, and even then I probably won’t succeed! I don’t know what I did to have a (normal) daughter like you! It’s too painful!”

Another example: Once, when I was twelve, while she was walking zombie-like down the hall and talking to herself and wailing loudly about the awfulness of her life, she paused by the open door of our room, looked at me sitting on my bed and reading, bugged her eyes out further, made her lips grotesquely soft and tremulous like an oversized wounded child, twisted the rest of her face into an expression of petulant loathing, and cried, “And you…you don’t care about me…all you care about is clothes and shopping and your appearance! You’re so shallow that I wish I’d never given birth to you!”

So what she really meant was, “I don’t care about you! All I care about is clothes and shopping and appearances! (in other words, you’re winning on this front in this war you have the gall to not even know about, and I hate you) I’m so shallow that I wish I’d never given birth to you!”

Then, when I was a sophomore in college, getting ready to go "home" for spring break, I called her, breathless and excited, to tell her that my choral group had had a workshop with some shapenote singers and how wonderful the music was and I couldn’t wait to bring it home so maybe we could sing it together, and I was so happy to have something nice to share with her that I thought she might like, and there was this heavy, forbidding silence after I stopped talking, and she finally said, “…WHY are you such a b****?”

So what she really must have meant was: “Why am I such a b****?” When her daughter calls and is affectionate--even though on some level I knew it was a lost cause, but I still hoped--and wants to share something she loves with her that she knows she’ll like too, she can’t be happy, only soul-devouringly jealous and full of fury, and she feels that she IS a b****. That was the first conversation in which I realized that there really was something really unhinged about her that wasn't related to me or in my control.

Anyway, this exercise was really helpful for me in seeing that it truly WASN'T me in these instances, because all of the flipped "you"-"me" sentences reveal feelings on her part that I already know she had. Does anyone else have examples of this that they'd like to share?

[BlueCat]

   

That is a good idea.

I can't remember exact quotes, but when I don't do something my mother thinks I should, she's called me cold, mean and harsh. What she means is that she worries that she is cold, mean and harsh. Which is true. She doesn't seem to be able to say no to people (because that would be mean, right?). Instead she ends up double booking herself until she looses it and melts down.

I'll have to remember this the next time she says something.

[Eureka1]

Excellent thread Ankakusu


HERe goes.

I hate you.  You are an evil hit_.

You can find time to take the dogs to the vet but you could not take mom to her appt in June.  Do you love the dogs more than your mother.

And you even shut the door in your mother's face.  (my sister walked in a door and did not hold it open for Mom.)

You are evil.  It is no wonder you don't have any friends.

When Mom dies I won't take any of her money.  You can have it all and you can buy your friends.


There are more but I will spare you.

[Jaihree]

Ankakusu – thanks for this thread.  A great exercise – putting statements into perspective by viewing them in BPD language.       I’m already reconsidering some of the things my mother has said to me through the years.  Also, how my beotch sister treats others, and what she says to, and about, them. 

Like so many of us nons, there are too many examples to list here.  A few that floated to the surface:

Mom:  Nobody wants to be friends with you.

BPD Reality:  I feel like I’m not worthy of having friends.

Mom:  You’re fat.  You need to lose weight.

BPD Reality:  I’m fat (or, I see myself as fat).  I need to lose weight.

Mom:  You think you’re so much better than everyone else by going to college.

BPD Reality:  You make me feel inferior because you’re going to college.

One of the BPD psychos I used to work with:  “Everyone around here thinks that you think you’re so much better than everyone.”  (when we brought her into a meeting because of the way she was acting out at work)

Her BPD Reality:  I feel like I’m not as good as you.

WooHoo!  It looks like it works for other crazies who find their way into our lives too.

I wish I could give your bit of wisdom to all the children growing up with BPDs in their lives.  Just the way people word things can have such a huge impact on others’ self-perception. 

[Jaihree]

Regarding my first reply... .

Mom:  You think you’re so much better than everyone else by going to college.

BPD Reality:  You make me feel inferior because you’re going to college.

Oops... .old habits die hard.  I had reworded it to still allow her to make me responsible for her feelings.  It should have gone like this... .

Mom:  You think you’re so much better than everyone else by going to college.

BPD Reality:  I feel inferior because you're going to college.

[Gettingthere]

From as young as i can remember when i laughed (until she shamd me out of it) "stop cackling gettingthere, you sound like an old witch"... .she means i am the borderline witch!

"do i have to tell you how to do EVERYTHING?" - means i play the victim and martyr, cant make decisions and wait for others to tell me what to do

[Ankakusu]

Wow, thank you all for your (sadly) excellent examples! I'm glad/sad to know I'm not alone in this... .

Jaihree--I appreciate your rewording    ; s a result I was able to notice and fix more of the "you make me feel" statements I had written in my mother's voice... .because we don't make them feel any of what they feel!

[Lila]

OMG, wonderful thread!  I am a little shaken up by how much I relate to this thread.  A few months ago my uBPDsis raged at me and accused me of all kinds of crazy things.  Now I realize that she felt this way about herself and was projecting those feelings on to me.  Thanks for the insight.  Lila

[busybee1116]

Really interesting exercise.  She doesn't direct much anger at me (she saves it all up for my dad) but she does have one little barb that really gets to me and I'm pretty sure it's projection but I haven't been able to figure it out. She tells random strangers or friends, in front of me, that I hardly ever visit.  This is something I've been really struggling with.  She usually puts it in context that this is her daughter who lives in [nearby but still hour away city] who she hardly ever sees; she never has time to visit.  Usually we're having a nice time and it's an unpredictable little sour surprise.  I never know how to reply to this as a) I'm visiting at this moment, right now, and apparently this visit doesn't even count for her to say that to anyone who'll listen b) she's directing the comment to someone else, not to me, so kind of hard to pipe up/answer and would mean having to speak defensively ("I see you more than most of my friends see their parents!"  "I'm visiting now!".  Plus, part of the truth is that she's not visiting me, either.  I see them 1-2x per month (usually once) and most of my friends have parents out of state and see them once or twice a year.  My brother sees them once or twice a year, for example, but he never gets this barb.  I'm realizing that part of what she's saying is "I'm so wrapped up with my life that I hardly visit my daughter."  Or "I'm so disconnected from my daughter that I can't even enjoy it when she is here."  That's not quite it, but I think I'm close?   Oooh, just had a lightbulb moment--She lived 3000 miles away from her own parents and I know felt a lot of guilt that she only saw them about once a year.  She felt that they liked her sister better anyway, and sent her away to school (where I think some of this BPD comes from) when her older sibs stayed home.  So maybe this is it: "I never visited my mother."   

[busybee1116]

THANKS,!  I think your versions are closer to the truth.  It really gets to me so it'll be good to have more compassion for her if I can use these exercises in my own head.  Her birthday is this week and we're planning to meet, wish me luck!

[Jaihree]

Poster by:

"You are just like your dad" = "now that your dad is gone, I need someone else to blame for all the problems or I will have to admit I played a role in our family dysfunction"

– this was so insightful for me.  My mom is great at telling my dad how he does so many things wrong.  For some reason the big one is when he runs to the store for her.  She ALWAYS finds one thing to fault him for about it.  I don’t know if she does that when no one is around though.  I know a lot of what she says is in front of others.  I’ve noticed when no one is around she can be what a wife should be – supportive. 

What you said made me start wondering what she’ll do if he dies first.  I live far from them, purposely, so she won’t have me to dump on.  God knows she will never dump on her other kids.

I give the man credit.  He can compartamentalize well enough to keep his sanity.  Although I know it wears on him.

[Jaihree]

but she does have one little barb that really gets to me and I'm pretty sure it's projection but I haven't been able to figure it out. She tells random strangers or friends, in front of me, that I hardly ever visit.  This is something I've been really struggling with.     

BusyBee – you are not alone, trust me.  I’ve put up with this for 25 years now.  Except my parents tell family, friends and neighbors.  (They don’t keep it just for strangers.) I’ve had all 3 tell me I need to visit my family more.  I’m tired of defending myself against such lies.

I live far enough from them and a trip once a year is a long enough drive.  BUT, it’s not that far that they can’t make a trip now and then.  Although, they haven’t in 15 years. 

In the 25 years I’ve lived here they may have made 5 or 6 weekend trips. BUT, in their eyes they have the right to lie and tell people that, I “NEVER” visit or I “NEVER” invite them to visit.  It got to the point where I made a blanket statement to them that they’re invited whenever they want to come and said that parents shouldn’t need an invitation.  Amazingly they still haven't visited and still tell people I NEVER invite them.

It sounds like she’s doing what my parents do – taking the heat off themselves by making me look bad.  I think you can say something like you suggested.  Just do it with a smile and a chuckle.  The other person will get the point.  And maybe she’ll stop because you’re calling her on it (in front of them).  Why should you continue to look bad? 

I’ve been the same way at not saying anything because I think I’ll look defensive.  My new attitude – so what – I have a right to be defensive.  They’re putting me in a position to look bad knowing I won’t say anything and they win.

Wishing you the best with this difficult situation.     

[psyclone]

Anka, that's brilliant! What a terrific secret weapon!     Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

I sometimes worry about how much of my mother I see in myself sometimes, especially when I'm depressed. I very literally would rather die than pass it on another generation. But reading this, I reflect that maybe part of the puzzle is how much of my mother's accusations, drummed into my head my whole life, are actually things she's saying about herself.

So, here's some samples of things she's saying, then:

• I make it hard for me to live in this community. I embarrass myself. I make myself look bad.



• I don't listen to other people. I just do whatever I please. I won't co-operate. I don't care about anyone else. Life is all about me.



• I'm ungrateful. I'll stab somebody in the back if they've been taking care of me.



• I'll never have respect for myself because I can't respect others.



• I have choices, but I know I won't do the right thing because I don't do things independently. I just obey what I'm told. (That one's crazy interesting to me, because she puts so much effort into trying to appear in charge.)



• I'm just trying to hurt myself.



• I couldn't hate me more.

Wow. I'm not sure if it's accurate to her psychology or not, but either way it makes it a lot easier to take all the bad stuff she says about me, and to recognize that it isn't really about me at all. It's all taking place inside her own head and has nothing to do with me. She just fixates on me because you look crazy if you're talking to yourself.     for passing on this insight!

Psyclone.

[UKannie]

When I was a teenager my mother was forever saying "if social services knew how you treated me they'd take you away and put you in a home"

Translated... .""if social services knew how I treated you they'd take you away and put you in a home"

 

[allergictodramaSD]

This definitely works for my uBPD stepmother, who is given to long, complicated pseudo-psychological "diagnoses" of my supposed problems.  I've long realized that it is she who is overly dependent (psychologically and financially) on and generally obsessed with my father (all of which, of course, she accuses me of being).  I wouldn't be surprised if, by now, she's accused me of having BPD (since I suspect she may have found the letter in which I suggested the possibility to my father); she's certainly made it pretty clear that she thinks I'm mentally ill.  It also occurs to me that our mutual pastor was right when he turned around her accusation that I don't "accept" her, and said she needs to accept me -- the truth is that while I'm quite willing to work with her to find modes of interaction that we can both at least tolerate, she just can't seem to accept me for who I am (though she would, at least in theory, be open to the idea of a stepdaughter who would fit her fantasy of what the relationship should be like.  There are probably people whose personalities would allow them to come a bit closer to her ideal than I do, but I suspect they, too, would eventually turn out to be all too human).  As a result, she has cut off all contact, and persuaded my father to join her.  

Since my father (who is not PD'd, at least when left to himself) is given to projection at times, especially when angry, I've long realized that this exercise works pretty well with people who are temporarily upset, but not PD'd, too. Whatever they accuse you of being, thinking, etc. is probably what they fear about themselves.  My father is still convinced that I was terribly angry from a very young age; as a therapist who had a young baby herself at the time I was seeing her pointed out, a far more likely explanation of the incident he remembers so vividly decades later is that I had colic, and *he* was tremendously angry, frustrated, etc. at his inability to comfort me, and perhaps at how my eruption into a still-young marriage had moved the experience further away from the one he had long dreamed of (my parents took a long time to marry, and I appeared within a year -- not ideal, perhaps, but hardly unusual at the time, or now).    

[Marcie]

wow! This has been very helpful thank-you so much!

[firstborn]

Awesome exercise!  In the last few years I have discovered that most of the time when my mother pointed out one of my "faults" that she was actually feeling these things about herself.  It was a big revelation that helped me stop the endless feelings of confusion.  I couldn't reconcile what she said about me to how I felt about myself inside.  I was constantly questioning and examining her "evidence" to see if it had any validity.  I would lay awake at night thinking about her words and if there was any truth to them - if I felt there was I would redouble my effort to "fix" myself.  What I should have done was look at her words and actions and compare them to her actions and see if they were true about HER. 

[need_to_please]

I was constantly questioning and examining her "evidence" to see if it had any validity.  I would lay awake at night thinking about her words and if there was any truth to them - if I felt there was I would redouble my effort to "fix" myself.  What I should have done was look at her words and actions and compare them to her actions and see if they were true about HER. 

WOW! You worded that beautifully, and I 100 percent identify! So glad I'm not the only one who was lying awake at night examining and then re-examining and then examining from other perspectives until I drove myself to sleep from exhaustion. I might try to see if they are true for what she feels about HER in the future and see what I come up with. An interesting notion... .

[busybee1116]

Really interesting exercise.  She doesn't direct much anger at me (she saves it all up for my dad) but she does have one little barb that really gets to me and I'm pretty sure it's projection but I haven't been able to figure it out. She tells random strangers or friends, in front of me, that I hardly ever visit.  This is something I've been really struggling with.  She usually puts it in context that this is her daughter who lives in [nearby but still hour away city] who she hardly ever sees; she never has time to visit.  Usually we're having a nice time and it's an unpredictable little sour surprise.  I never know how to reply to this as a) I'm visiting at this moment, right now, and apparently this visit doesn't even count for her to say that to anyone who'll listen b) she's directing the comment to someone else, not to me, so kind of hard to pipe up/answer and would mean having to speak defensively ("I see you more than most of my friends see their parents!"  "I'm visiting now!".  Plus, part of the truth is that she's not visiting me, either.  I see them 1-2x per month (usually once) and most of my friends have parents out of state and see them once or twice a year.  My brother sees them once or twice a year, for example, but he never gets this barb.  I'm realizing that part of what she's saying is "I'm so wrapped up with my life that I hardly visit my daughter."  Or "I'm so disconnected from my daughter that I can't even enjoy it when she is here."  That's not quite it, but I think I'm close?   Oooh, just had a lightbulb moment--She lived 3000 miles away from her own parents and I know felt a lot of guilt that she only saw them about once a year.  She felt that they liked her sister better anyway, and sent her away to school (where I think some of this BPD comes from) when her older sibs stayed home.  So maybe this is it: "I never visited my mother."   

I know this is a very old thread, but I find it amazing to go back and see how much better I understand BPD and my mother. This "I never see my daughter, she's too busy to visit" comment to strangers is triangulating. Sometimes, the clerk gets involved and says, "you should visit your mother more often!" Or I overhear and feel awful for not visiting more often (when I am in fact, visiting right then!). What is really going on--my mother is trying to tell me, "I wish you visited more often." But, she can't tell me this herself, it's too hard to be emotionally vulnerable, so she gets someone else to tell me (or I overhear and am to understand the implication). And, she's so sure I don't like spending time with her (her fear of abandonment, her emptiness/not good-enoughness) that she ensures I don't want to spend more time with her by acting out this way. It's that push-pull, see I'm right that you don't want to spend more time with me. Go ahead and leave.