Both of my parents have NPD.

[Cutiebug]

If anyone is still on here... .

I could really benefit from a support network.

Both of my parents have NPD. My mother is the worse of the two. I was the youngest with an older brother who was so much older that it just made it that much easier for my mother to pit us against each other.

I used to be her everything all of the time, all the while never fulfilling her needs, which she was all too ready to inform me of my lack.

I was just a little girl. I didn't choose these people for parents. From the outside no one knew what was wrong.

I am mourning the loss of my childhood. And feel so overwhelmed at times because I not only had to be everything for her and "save" the family I had to raise myself.

I'm exhausted.

I am searching for a community that can understand just how painful it is to have NPD parents.

Here's hoping someone reads this.

Even if you can only direct me to another more active community, I'd really appreciate it.

[Turkish]

Hi Cutiebug, and

We have many members who have at least one parent with NPD traits. My mom is BPD, but I can relate to your comment about raising yourself. Take a look at the links under the pictures at the top of the board to start.

What's going on currently, do you feel you're still stuck in the "saving" dynamic? I hope to irate more and how best we can support you, Cutiebug.

Turkish

[Reforming]

Hi Cutiebug,

Welcome to BPD Family 

I'm really sorry to hear about the pain you've been going through with your family, but I'm really glad you've found us. As Turkish says there are members here with similar experiences who can offer you some support and advice.

Are you ok to tell us a little more about your situation? Well done for posting

Reforming

[Leaving]

Hi Cutie,

You're not alone. There are many people on here who have experienced the N abuse and share your feelings of anger and hurt and exhaustion.  I'm one of them.

My mother is NPD/BPD and so is my husband.  I'm exhausted too. 

Receiving validation is important.  Do you have a therapist?  I think it's important to have a therapist that specializes in recovery from N parenting and abuse.  Not all therapists specialize in this.  There may also be a local group therapy in your area. 

I'm so sorry that your mother has destroyed your relationship with your brother.  Same here.  However, I do believe that one day I may be able to connect with him again.  I'm just not comfortable doing that right now because I'm still trying to get myself into a healthy place of my own and a healthy job.  I need to work on me.  I wonder though if I will be able to have a relationship with my brother simply because he's so hinged to our mother in an unhealthy way.  I don't want to be a part of that.  It's such a shame and truly a sin that any parent would drive siblings apart.  It's supposed to be just the opposite.

Hope you will continue to share with everyone here.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Cutiebug, and welcome!

Only one of my parents has a PD, and that's exhausting in itself... .I completely believe you when you say you feel exhausted and overwhelmed from having two! I also felt the pressure of having to keep up my parents' image and it left me feeling even more isolated and confused, because everyone else thinks they're such wonderful people. Even if I had known how to talk to someone about what was going on at home, I would have had trouble trusting that they'd even believe me. It's really good that you are looking for support. Even though this site is primarily focused on BPD, there is so much overlap with disorders like NPD that you're welcome to keep reading and posting here. There are many active members here who will understand what you are going through. We have a Survivor's Guide in the right hand margin ---> that can help you find some guideposts for your healing journey. Where do you see yourself at the moment?

How did you discover your parents have NPD? Have you been in therapy to help with the grieving process? How do you get on with your brother these days? We will be interested in hearing more from you.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Cutiebug]

Thank you, PF Change, Leaving, Reforming, and Turkish.

I truly appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to respond.

I'm not sure where to start first. I truly appreciate your questions and interest. You all seemed to ask for more details, so I will try to start there.

I have been seeing a therapist for over a year now. It has helped, but still it has not taken the place of a healthy parent. I wasn't expecting it to, but I wish that it could.

A little history:

I found out that my ex husband was NPD a few years back. It makes sense I would marry someone like that as most are drawn to "comfortable" relationships. A while after we got married I knew something was wrong in regards to my parents, I just didn't know what it was. I had to limit my contact with them a lot. Part of the limiting contact came from my husband not wanting to compete for control over me. Though a part of me was thankful for relief from them.

We divorced a few years ago. And through the NPD discovery process with him I saw so many similarities he had with my parents. Similarities expressed in their own unique ways, but still the same underlying paterns.

My ex sought help. He has been seeing a therapist since the divorce and has made many efforts to change. It seems with NPD there is a spectrum. At least with those narcissists I've encountered. On that spectrum he's moved further and further away from the NPD a extreme. We started dating each other again and we are now living together once again.

We are doing ok. We have good and bad days. Though I constantly question if we are a good match considering both of our family backgrounds. It is a struggle for me to be in relationship with anyone. It's hard to trust.

History of parents:

This distance created between me and them during my marriage turned out to be a really good thing.

I haven't spoken with my mother in years except once or twice.  

And the only reason I continue to have a limited relationship with my father (although he hasn't admitted his NPD) is that he at very least has apologized for various things.

He still thinks that his opinion should be the only one heard. And that he knows all there is to know on, well, anything; but at least he apologized for not having been the father I needed.  It hurts that I don't and won't have a full healthy relationship with my dad and that I never did, but at least it's something.

My mother on the other hand. Well. She is the most painful spot for me.

With my mother, no one is ever good enough. She is always the victim. 110% of the time she is the hurting, sad, victimized person. When I was a little girl I stopped her from committing suicide at least twice. Yes, there was a gun involved. After the second time I started blocking things out as a survival/coping mechanism.

I was her everything, yet nothing. No matter how many times I responded to her sobbing about lack of love and joy in her life with "I love you," and the full heart a child has, it was never enough.

Even confronting her with these things a couple years ago yielded no apology, instead she claims she spent "countless" hours getting herself well. As though she should receive some award for her achievements as well as for her great job at motherhood. This was confusing to me as she has always been miserable. And the fact that she could deny glaring-reality was shocking to me. She is still unwell.

She has never apologized for anything. Not even for those horrifying days when I stopped her. Normal parents would at least say "I'm so sorry that must have been so traumatic for you." But then again, "normal" parents wouldn't have made a suicidal attempt and displayed it later as "poor me," and "I was a good mother."

I am now left with this as my childhood. I don't want to be anything like her, but I find myself wanting someone to be my everything now.  I'm desperately wanting someone to scoop me up and hold me (as though I am still a little girl). I want someone to see my pain for once. I want to receive comfort. For once.

It's challenging to not become narcissistic myself because I didn't have what I should have had. I had to be her all then, and now I have to be a normal adult with normal give and take. The time for appropriate childhood narcissism is over. Do you know what I mean? As a child it should be all about you. As you get older it becomes less so and you learn a more give and receive approach to relationships.

I don't want to burden others with my issues/history. And I don't want to perpetuate the N cycle, but I do find myself torn between holding it all in and just spilling my guts (in hopes that it will finally be all about me for once).

Most people I know FB a friends etc. can't understand how hard it is and was to not have healthy full functioning "adult" parents.

So I thought about a community where I could share and maybe relate. Some of the posts I read here were so eye opening for me. Though I am sorry for what others go through, it is quite comforting to know others have had similar experiences as me. It is so nice to know I am not alone in this.

For some reason I was only seeing older posts so I didn't realize this community was still active.

Thank you for your interest and concern. I truly appreciate your presence here in this posting thread.

I didn't answer all of the questions so I'll try in a bit with my next post.

[P.F.Change]

I'm desperately wanting someone to scoop me up and hold me (as though I am still a little girl). I want someone to see my pain for once. I want to receive comfort. For once.

I so totally understand those feelings.   It is ok to want those things and to ask for them from people you trust.

It's challenging to not become narcissistic myself because I didn't have what I should have had. I had to be her all then, and now I have to be a normal adult with normal give and take. The time for appropriate childhood narcissism is over. Do you know what I mean? As a child it should be all about you. As you get older it becomes less so and you learn a more give and receive approach to relationships.

I don't want to burden others with my issues/history. And I don't want to perpetuate the N cycle, but I do find myself torn between holding it all in and just spilling my guts (in hopes that it will finally be all about me for once).

It's normal to fear becoming like our PD'd parents. We've all been there. It sounds like you didn't really get much of a shot at being a kid because you were expected to be the one taking care of your parents. Your inner child is really hurting and you have the power to nurture and take care of her. There is a place of balance where you can ask for support from your loved ones, too. You might need to allow yourself the freedom to look after yourself without pushing your needs aside the way your parents expected you to. You do deserve to take care of yourself, in fact it is very important. You can acknowledge your feelings and find ways to get your needs met.

For what it's worth across the internet, have some big hugs from me.   

Is there anything you can do to offer comfort to yourself in the next few days? (e.g., massage, hot shower, ice cream, warm blanket?) Can you say to yourself the kinds of things you long for someone to say to you? Those little things help me a lot. Is your (ex)husband able to offer you any support, or do you have a close friend who might be able to reassure and snuggle you a little?

PF