Does it really take a SWAT team to end a relationship?

[Thoreau]

My SO required a swat team on Monday to end his suicidal threats.  He has been committed to a state hospital for first 72 hours, then two weeks in a state 800 miles away from where I live.  I was called to testify against him at the commitment hearing. 

I don't know how I can stay. I am afraid to leave. The man I am involved with has detached himself from everyone in his life and will essentially be homeless after discharge. He can not live with me because I will lose my income if he does and I will not expose my daughter to this level of acting out  under any circumstance.

He call for the first time since commitment last night, all over the place: angry, sobbing, saying yes when asked if he's scared.

I don't know whether to call him or not, how often, under what circumstances.  Or how to decide to end it all.  Maybe I'm on the wrong board?  Eh.  Input?

[avoidatallcost]

At first I thought the title to this thread was a joke, and I kinda laughed.  Now that I've read your story, this is no laughing matter.

You're not seriously considering staying with a man this mentally volatile are you?

I would suggest not contacting him at all.  You've already wasted enough time with him.

[Pema]

You have a daughter?

Don't let him anywhere near  you or your child.

NC !

Do whatever it takes to keep him away.

You first priority is you and you child.

NC !

[Thoreau]

ok. so you all have it figured out then

[argyle]

Meh.  My inclination would be:

1. Recommend in-patient therapy for DBT. If he refuses, go NC.

2. Maintain a very distant (low contact) R/S.

3. Never let this guy near you.

Of course, I'm the clutchy codependent type.

But, um, even so, SWAT team?  Yah.  Change the locks. Install cameras.  Move.

--Argyle

[Thoreau]

OK. at the risk of seeming strange... .We live 8 states apart to begin with.  The SWAT team was called because he made specific suicidal threats to suffocate himself and when the police arrived he would not answer the door.  Sat in the dark, cried and would not answer the door.  That's it.  His told the officers he wasn't going to hurt himself when they asked, but refused to let thme in. Because he owned shot guns/pellet guns which were outside of the house in a detached garage  50 feet from the property, they were called.  We do not live together.  He is unemployed after being a stay at home parent for ten years and has about $15. Unless he wants to walk south from the canadian border, I think I'm safe. 

Is this how the boards go usually?

[2010]

  Hi!

It sounds like you know what to do- you're just not sure how to do it. You've already testified against him, you and your daughter are far away yet he has "detached himself from everyone and will soon be homeless."  I can see how that might make you anxious about taking responsibility for him- because he has nowhere else to go.

I don't know how I can stay. I am afraid to leave.

Unless he wants to walk south from the canadian border, I think I'm safe. 

Yes, you are in a good place- away from him.  The phone situation needs to have the same boundaries too.

What you need to do now is let go of the responsibility for him. I know it's hard but he has to manage his own life.  Yes, he is depressed, but he needs professional care and now he's got it.  That should have been the point of calling the swat team. Meanwhile, you have a daughter to think about and care for and he's a large drain on your energy.

This problem that he has -can only be solved by him.  Eventually he'll need to take direction from someone in the system and find his way back to normal. That's his job to accomplish- not yours.  Yours is to heal from the trauma and turn away from it.

He needs consequences to his behavior and one of those consequences is self responsibility with no one else to blame. When you continue to be overly responsible for him-it's supports his idea of outer-directed neediness, rather than relying on his inner compass for self direction.  These ideas of reference about rescuing him are what keeps you mired in the thicket.  You've got to turn the focus to yourself.  If the idea of yourself is about taking care of him, then you'll need to address that. Perhaps you're not aware that this is unhealthy if you continue to stay. Perhaps you do know and are just exhausted thinking about it.  It's best to post about these things and eventually your thoughts will come together.

Give yourself permission to let go of the worry that you can do something for him that he cannot do for himself. He's in the mental health system now and has professional support and needs to be confronted for his behavior by professionals.  That's not your job. Your job is to take care of yourself.  Good luck and keep posting.   

[argyle]

Oh... .

It depends too.

Staying->gets advice from people who've chosen to stay

Undecided->gets advice from people who're considering staying

Leaving->gets advice from people who are leaving or who have left

Overall, BPDs are fairly unpleasant people (One a scale of 1-10, with 1 being a serial killer, 2 being a malignant narcissist... .BPDs are roughly a 3.), and those R/S which work out tend to have people coming here less... .so advice you get is most likely slightly biased towards the leaving side.  Mind you, most of the leaving advice is perfectly justified... .it's just that there is some hope if you choose to pursue a R/S. (I've actually chosen to stay so far... . (If you do choose to stay, please check out a therapist as staying with or being involved with a BPD is a red flag for mental health issues.)

Generally though, people who are leaving have had the most success with going completely NC.  Most BPDs are actually surprisingly good at surviving when they're on their own. OTOH, there is a suicide risk - but even under ideal care, there's a suicide risk.  Assuming responsibility for someone else's choice (particularly for someone with BPD) tends to lead to a lot of suffering.  Check out oceangirl26's postings on her exBF for examples.

More to the point, well, making sure he knows about the option of therapy would be a neighborly thing to do. Letting him take time from your daughter would not be a good choice.

--Argyle

*Mind you... .my wife is doing about as well as possibly could be expected... .is 6 mo into DBT therapy... .and our last conversation with the MC involved a discussion of why I am responsible for not stopping her from screaming abuse and throwing things.  BPD is one of the worse possible diagnoses... .I never thought I'd find myself hoping that other people were right when they guessed my wife might be a violent paranoid schizophrenic.  If you do choose to stay... .the best possible outcome includes about 3 years of therapy (with a reasonable chance of success).  The odds of getting that outcome seem to be about 1 in 4.