Sister just got engaged. Should she tell our uBPDm and dad?

[Mommakiwi]

If this is not ok to post please let me know!

My sister just got engaged a few weekends ago, which was the same weekend my uBPDm had her biggest meltdown. My sister asked me to seek the forums advice.

She has stopped talking to my mother due to her negativity and constant belittling. Plus my mother has a deep hatred for her now fiancé. (Which we cannot determine why). She was communicating with our dad, but since he has continued to beg her to contact mom she has determined she may need to stop taking to him as well for her own safety and sanity.

She is looking at a May/June wedding and does not want to invite my parents if they are still in their current emotional states. She was able to tell our dad after checking on his over this last weekend.

She is afraid of the fit my mother would most likely throw durning the wedding, plus one aunt will be invited that our mother no longer communicates with, and has disowned. That I insult will cause a fit with our mother.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice I can throw her way?

[Panda39]

I think your sister needs to tell your parents that she is engaged.  It needs to come from her not someone else... .that would make things worse.  However, her wedding is her day and she should only invite those she wants to be there.  So no I don't think she needs to invite either of them to the wedding unless she wants to. 

[Tiredbride313]

Hi Mommakiwi,

First - congratulations to her sister on her engagement! I'm sorry she has to deal with the stress of a uBPD mother at what should be a happy time. I went through something similar with my parents (uBPD mother and uNPD father) in the months leading up to my wedding - only I was on speaking terms with mine when I got engaged. It was their behavior afterwards that made me go NC with them and not invite them to the wedding.

It's important that your sister and fiance plan the wedding of their dreams and do whats needed to make the day special for the two of them.  Your sister could perhaps tell your mother about the engagement and see how she reacts? If it's not positive she can walk away. She doesn't have to include your parents the wedding planning or even make a decision about inviting your parents right away. There's no right or wrong answer in this.

I do recommend hiring security for the big day, regardless of what your sister decides. If she decides not to invite your parents, security can ask them to leave discreetly, and if she does invite them and they start to act up, they can be escorted away before they make a scene. We hired a retired police officer for my wedding. He was dressed in a suit and blended right in. Our guests didn't notice him at all and it gave me peace of mind knowing that any potential situation that may arise would be taken care of (thankfully nothing did). If that's not in the budget, a trusted friend or family member who knows the situation would also work.

Best of luck!

[claudiaduffy]

I don't think there is a "should" that your sister needs to abide by. I would recommend that she do what makes her feel the most peace and safety. If this is not telling about the engagement, that is fine! If it is telling to keep the news from coming from another source, that is fine, too!

And I second the recommendation of having security at the wedding. I had a couple of friends who are cops at mine. =)

[coldNheartless]

Hi Mommakiwi,

I am in a similar hard place so I totally can feel for your sister. By the way, she is welcome here, she is trying to keep it together with BPD family members just like you are and would very likely benefit from becoming a member.

O got engaged a few months ago when I was in contact with my dBPDm. We had been talking on the phone after 3 years of NC. Things were smooth, so it felt.

Mom had a freakout over finding out that I like to hunt, and BPDm is an animal rights nut and a vegan when impulse control doesn't get the best of her

She said some very evil stuff and then hung up on me and we have been NC since (a few weeks), she also hates my fiance and weddings overall.

She was communicating with our dad, but since he has continued to beg her to contact mom she has determined she may need to stop taking to him as well for her own safety and sanity.

Hmmmm sounds like an enabler, My BPDm has one too, its my Gmom. I am Lc, and Gmom is very sympathetic to BPDm. 

She is looking at a May/June wedding and does not want to invite my parents if they are still in their current emotional states.

I am in the exact same boat! I imagine your sis really wants to have the loving support of her M & D, as do I. But after a long and hard self talk I have decided that my BPDm is not going to be happy at the wedding, and that she has proved that she has no interest in being respectful of me and my fiance or our life therefor does not want to be a part of it.

She is afraid of the fit my mother would most likely throw durning the wedding

ME TOO SISTER!

plus one aunt will be invited that our mother no longer communicates with, and has disowned. That I insult will cause a fit with our mother.

I invited one of my BPDm x's becuase he has been closer to me than my own dad. Bipolar dad will have to live with that.

Heres my advice, after reading dozens of the wedding woes threads, BPDm's are at their worst at special events and will cause great drama either before , during or after the wedding. Your sister is starting a new chapter of her life and a new family. Inviting crazy to the wedding is the same as inviting crazy to your new life and chapter. I and you sister have this in common... .It is no longer just us we will be subjecting to our mothers it will be our beloved husbands and future children. Perhaps it is easier to shield them than ourselves.

Get her on the message board, we should stay connected and see how it goes! Good luck sister, be the strong woman and wife you want to be!

[Mommakiwi]

Thanks for all the advice guys! I have sent the info to my sister and let her know she needs to jump on board!