Her new boyfriend emailed me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sock puppets are cute. He is not a sock puppet. Try a pawn.

Actually, the worst of them I call his flying monkeys.

[BlushAndBashful]

Sock puppets are cute. He is not a sock puppet. Try a pawn.

Actually, the worst of them I call his flying monkeys.

[1brokenwing]

2010 should right a book.

[nylonsquid]

2010 should right a book.

Let's start a petition. 2010 has brilliant insight!

[nylonsquid]

Above and Beyond-

I commend you for doing whatever works for you but my feeling is you won't know if it was the right thing until much later. I hope it does work for you.

In my case, I thought NC is the way to go. I stuck to it and researched and read during a month but she kept messaging until I broke NC. Looking back, it was the right choice. I broke NC another time actually and looking back again, I don't regret it. I needed to dump my pain on to her. Just to tell her how I felt. Though she apologized, cried, admitted her wrong and was suffering because her dad was dying, I honestly did not feel she was genuine. As always saying and acting what she thinks I want to hear. It's a big theatrical act and the only reason she contacts me is to check my availability for supply when things go wrong with my replacement. I understand it's nothing personal but I still needed to see things for myself.

What has worked for me is to tell her the times where I was hurt. A few weeks ago we met and I told her one story about the pain she caused me and half way through I started bawling. It was such a sad story that I couldn't finish it and I didn't even realize I was gonna cry. Well, looking back, I don't care what she thought or felt but what mattered is me getting that out of my system. I just needed to say it and cry. Had I not done that I would have carried it with me. Heck, I'll see her again if I feel I need to. Just be aware. I feel I am. I'm aware this is a game. I'm aware I am supply. I'm aware that when she hugged me and cried it was for herself. The tears were not real to me because they were for herself. Her love as not real to me because it was for herself. This isn't my definition of love. However, I do love her for who she is and wish her well. I will stick around but I won't initiate, try or hope for a future. She will come back when she needs supply and I will provide it if I'm available. She will feel hurt by whatever I do regardless and will run away. I accept all this and understand it's part of her silly little childish game. I'm not out to hurt her but I will play the part because at this point to me, it's kind of absurd and I may need her if I feel like venting or putting my hurt on to her.

Just be aware of her and yourself and accept the situation as it really is. Good luck!

[Rise]

Rise & Oldtimefeeling,

For a board that has so many agonizing stories of defeat, I find it really odd that you guys would get picky about who contacted who first or other finicky details. It might not be your mode of dealing with it, but it was mine this week. And it worked. For me.

... .But don't try to tell me what MY victory means to ME or how it effects my exBPD, because I KNOW what it means.  

Above,

I was not trying to tell you how to feel. I was genuine when I said I hope what you did truly makes you feel better. If this is what you needed to feel better, than it's what you needed to feel better, and I'm not passing judgement on that. I did not mean to imply what you did was wrong. And my point was not to diminish your ex's new boyfriend's new role in this. He played his part (as I'm sure your ex had her role to play, whether directly or indirectly, as well) in this too. What you said isn't incorrect. He did start it.  He clearly stepped over a line and had no business telling you how you screwed up a relationship he had nothing to do with.

Just reading your posts, it seemed a little like you were playing innocent. It felt like you were saying that you didn't see this coming at all, and you didn't make the decision to tell him what-for until after he attacked you, while at the same time I got the sense you were really just looking for an excuse to send that e-mail right from the beginning. Her boyfriend just happened to oblige you. If that's the case, that's fine too. Seriously. I'm not going to judge you for that. Hell, I have done it before myself. Who could blame you for feeling that way, if you did? My point was, just own your actions and their motivations. Be honest about your own role. My contention was never with the actions you took. It was with the acknowledgement of those actions. That being said, I will admit, I may be completely wrong about all of this. It's sometimes tough to pick up an author's intended tone, and I am more than capable of misinterpreting things. If I have, I really am truly sorry.

I was also speaking honestly when I said I do hope this is you "victory lap". I really do hope the best for you. I'm not trying to imply that you're going to, but just be wary of getting pulled back in to your ex's chaos. It happens to the best of us sometimes, and can happen subtly, and swiftly, before you even know what's going on, if you aren't on guard for it.  As I said in my last post, I do hope the best for you. I know you've made progress, and I just don't want to see you, or anyone for that matter, have that progress undone.  That's all.

This is my victory - I'm still enjoying it. Now go get your's - and make it work for you. Quit sobbing in the darkness and turn that corner. Any way you can. You can do it.

Peace/Love

Thank you for the support. I like to think every day I get up and have a good day is my own little victory.

Stay strong, and keep enjoying your victory. You have earned it.

-Rise




And for the record I haven't sobbed in weeks.

[abovebeyond]

Thanks to all you guys, Rise, 2010, BPD Lover, Mauser,  1brokenwing, Ex-Vamp-Slayer, Love NYC, Oldtimefeelin.

You don't realize it but you guys are my family and heroes over the past 3 months. I'm new here, but been lurking since Feb.

2010, you should indeed write a book. That's a hefty reply with a ton of hard earned knowledge in it. You should know that my reply to the replacement was mostly about triangulation (read definition) and our role in it. I lit him up a somewhat on the "bad person" stuff but I realize it's all part of their game. I know this because it's the same thing she did to me in regards to the guy BEFORE ME. He was the bad guy, jerk. I was the savior. But having been in a few other RS where the gf talks bad about the previous ex, I knew it was suspect to subjective interpretation and steered clear of it. In fact, as time went on, and I heard more stories about the guy I replaced, I started to like him more and realize he wasn't a bad guy and did a lot of selfless things for her. But remember, I never contacted him and kept my focus on she and I.

Regardless, as I've said before. There's so much DEFEAT upon those of us on this board, sniveling and broken, i encourage everyone to do the work, be healthy, and take the power back. Take it BACK.

I really need to hear this from time to time from other - could be my military background. But for the men on this board, it is especially disconcerting to be SO BEATEN. I know it is equally hard on women, if not more so. But for GOOD STRONG CARING men to experience this kind of defeat, is just world shattering.

What is it to be a man in the modern world? We're expected to be strong and protective and yet also sensitive. To have this trojan horse of BPD come in and shatter us is mind blowing.

We are strong, caring people, otherwise we would not be on this site doing the research and learning.

Take YOUR POWER BACK!

[BlushAndBashful]

AB- Although I'm a female,  I do "get" the difference that society sees in men vs women and how they deal with r/s, pain, trauma, etc.  I'm a vet, and my pwBPD is a vet, too. I get the whole "suck it up and drive on" mentality. Emotions get us killed. We're not supposed to let this kind of thing affect us- especially the males.  I don't appreciate the double standard that's out there... .but it is what it is.

Continue to be a sensitive, caring guy- it's what makes us human, not emotionless robots. Don't let the trojan horse change who you are at the core.

[Happiest]

I really need to hear this from time to time from other - could be my military background. But for the men on this board, it is especially disconcerting to be SO BEATEN. I know it is equally hard on women, if not more so. But for GOOD STRONG CARING men to experience this kind of defeat, is just world shattering.

What is it to be a man in the modern world? We're expected to be strong and protective and yet also sensitive. To have this trojan horse of BPD come in and shatter us is mind blowing.

Its called emotional castration. Its not nice at all and I see a lot of men (I'm a massage therapist) who have had this happen to them. Sad

[bpdlover]

You are not alone. I believed that I was a strong person before the relationship I allowed myself to fall into. It was an abusive trap. With the benefit of hindsight, I gave my heart and soul to somebody who gladly accepted it and in return, created a crazy disorienting sort of abuse. Regular break ups, protracted conversations that resolved nothing, betrayal with other guys, a child within months, a smear campaign and after a year and a half, abusing the legal system for a bit of closure/fun. Her second time in a row on a guy to escape looking like a victim. Two years on, a child is alienated. Am I defeated? No. I am grateful to be away from this abusive woman and her family. It is a victory. Will she return? I don't believe so.

[bernbeau]

Hey, maybe it wasn't the new bf, but her! Using his FB account!

Just a thought!