Her new boyfriend emailed me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been nc for 2 mo. Last week my replacement hit me up on FB for a friend request. I'm like, What the H? F-it, I approved it, just out of curiosity to see what the hell was going on. Next day, he unfriends me. Ok. I stew on it a day then message him: asking what the H is going on with his little peekaboo routine and basically telling him to F off and get lost. Few days pass. He writes back with a line of Horse S filtered through my ex-BPD GF, saying, "Would you please stop texting / calling her. (which I am not) It' sad. You could have still had her if you'd been a better human being." He even refers to her as his bride to be. Obviously, she's feeding him a good line of Horse S and working the triangulation (read definition). They're already engaged. Just like we were 60 days before him. A-hole. I had a week long debate in my head as to how or if I would respond.

I know the elder members on this board would've advised me to drop it and not engage. And I considered that. Seriously. But he opened the door. So I thought good and long about it. And then I dropped the whole load of intellectual napalm on him. The missive went from calm cool, factual, burning sarcastic to dead serious and back again; short historical analysis. Flamed him on the "better human being" stuff and called into question his ethical lapses in the equation. I didn't mention anything about BPD to him - let him figure that out, just like i did. But I gave him some hints as what's to come, strap in buddyboy, "Hold your hat, and your hanky."

Strangely enough I felt better afterward. It actually gave me some late in the game closure. And it was a good opportunity to send a return shot over their wobbly bow, saying, "I'm doing great now. And NOBODY (meaning her) WILL EVER treat me that way again. It's a new world, now."


Felt good.

[abovebeyond]

I've been nc for 2 mo. Last week my replacement hit me up on FB for a friend request. I'm like, What the H? F-it, I approved it, just out of curiosity to see what the hell was going on. Next day, he unfriends me. Ok. I stew on it a day then message him: asking what the H is going on with his little peekaboo routine and basically telling him to F off and get lost. Few days pass. He writes back with a line of Horse S filtered through my ex-BPD GF, saying, "Would you please stop texting / calling her. (which I am not) It' sad. You could have still had her if you'd been a better human being." He even refers to her as his bride to be. Obviously, she's feeding him a good line of Horse S and working the triangulation (read definition). They're already engaged. Just like we were 60 days before him. A-hole. I had a week long debate in my head as to how or if I would respond.

I know the elder members on this board would've advised me to drop it and not engage. And I considered that. Seriously. But he opened the door. So I thought good and long about it. And then I dropped the whole load of intellectual napalm on him. The missive went from calm cool, factual, burning sarcastic to dead serious and back again; short historical analysis. Flamed him on the "better human being" stuff and called into question his ethical lapses in the equation. I didn't mention anything about BPD to him - let him figure that out, just like i did. But I gave him some hints as what's to come, strap in buddyboy, "Hold your hat, and your hanky."

Strangely enough I felt better afterward. It actually gave me some late in the game closure. And it was a good opportunity to send a return shot over their wobbly bow, saying, "I'm doing great now. And NOBODY (meaning her) WILL EVER treat me that way again. It's a new world, now."


Felt good.

[ellil]

So take the late in the game closure and run with it. So if a friend request comes in again, ignore it. Move on with your own life again, and deal with yourself.

What will you do if he/they try to make contact with you again or respond to your "intellectual napalm?"

And if you think you will respond, what will actually end this whole thing (short of them being wiped off the planet)?

M

[abovebeyond]

Delete it. I dropped my napalm. There wasn't a lot anger in the message. I gathered a lot of hard won intelligence out in the field, learning the hard way about this BPD stuff. I deserve to speak my mind to whomever I want. Especially after what all of us go through. If it just so happens to be the replacement. Fine. Just know when to quit it.

I'm already down the road. This was just a victory lap.

[ellil]

You not bringing BPD into the situation probably avoided a heckuva lotta hassle for you! That was my mistake--my napalm included the BPD bomb. That backfired.

You were smarter than I.

It's a brand new day for you now... .run with it

M

[seeking balance]

to summarize:

This guy is now with your ex - he friends you

He unfriends you

You respond, thus getting him to respond again

He is now rescuing ex and you are the bad guy

Use this closure you feel to take control of your life, and simply keep him out of yours.  Delete

and take the power back.

It is simple triangulation (read definition) - nothing more, nothing less.  But, if this helps you move forward... .use it and don't look back.

[wrangler1217]

These people are children.  They want attention.  Just like a celebrity says, "There's no such thing as bad publicity".  It's the same thing with these people.  There's no such thing as bad attention.  

I remember playing with my sister when I was little.  She would say very mean things to me, and it would make me upset.  So, I would always say mean things back and we would get into a fight.  My reaction was what she was expecting, shifting attention to her.  Watch what happens when you respond with something they're not expecting or don't respond at all.  You'll get a "CAN NOT PROCESS - SYSTEM OVERLOAD" type reaction out of them.  

[abovebeyond]

I did and I will. One of the hints was a very terse mention of triangulation (read definition) and how whatever reality he is responding too is not mine.

As mentioned before, I know the elders will disagree with me responding (much respect to them), but I think every now and then, if they engage, you take the power back. I did not initiate. In this case, I think my silence would've implied some guilt. So I thought long and hard, and decided to turn it into a victory lap. Nothing more. Nothing less.

The only reason I posted this was to show (at least in this one small, screwy instance) you can take your power back. In many different ways.

I've spent the past two months going to 3 hr group meetings 3-4 nights a week, plus therapy, NO rebounds, plus a LOT of reading, plus working a F/T job & getting a promotion, plus a night job, CODA 12 steps, plus these boards (which are great). I'm doing the work. I pray and meditate everyday for everyone involved. It has been a long hard road out of hell, but I'm getting better everyday. Can't believe how far I've come in 3 months.

Take the power back, people.

[HostNoMore]

Abovebeyond:

I would not say he is an a-hole but more of her human sock puppet.  

Unfortunately, you got involved in her triangulation (read definition) attempt as seeking balance has pointed out to us.

However, since you felt a little closure that is a good thing for your healing.

Keep up the NC, and you're heading in the right direction too.  I kind of did the same thing when mine contacted me on St. V's Day just to prove something to myself which I did. 

However, I quickly learned that breaking NC hurts me so the elders are right.

[redfeather]

 Hi!

Aboveandbeyond... .Good for you! We all need to do what works for ourselves as we go through the healing process but I for one commend you! I think many times these people do need to be exposed for the frauds, charlatans, emotional vampires that they are. And also kudos for driving home the message to your replacement that hey guy you arent so special though you think from your lofty perch upon your pedestal you are! But the day awaits you when YOU TOO will be facedown in the dirt after she kicks your ass off the aforementioned pedestal. Now leave her to her madness. She amply deserves it. 

[seeking balance]

As mentioned before, I know the elders will disagree with me responding (much respect to them), but I think every now and then, if they engage, you take the power back. I did not initiate. In this case, I think my silence would've implied some guilt. So I thought long and hard, and decided to turn it into a victory lap. Nothing more. Nothing less.

There is no right or wrong - nor any judgement, we all have our own path.  If this contact makes you feel better in this moment, use it as a springboard. 

Be mindful much more contact will take away the power that you feel - so use what you have now is all that this elder is saying 

You are being triangulated, it is nothing more, nothing less.  I found knowing the facts and where I was in the "drama" was freeing to keep moving forward.

[abovebeyond]

Thanks so much to you guys who understand. I just re-read my message to replacement (double checking for references to overt anger and mean-spirited stuff ... .) and I now realize that most of my reply is talking about triangulation (read definition). Go figure. I must've cut out a lot of the other stuff. I revised it about 20x.  

I agree, there is no rulebook to recovery. Everything involves some improvisation. Do what feels right for you. Confer with your close friends, as I did, in regards to situations like this. My closest friend, whose been with me through all of this, gave it the okay. In  fact, he's the one who actually said "drop the napalm."

I still get sad and have What the F? moments. Still moments of shock and disbelief. But Everyday away from them is a victory. And I know every Non on this board deserves a victory - we're givers and we deserve so much more. I read so many broken stories like mine over and over on this Board, and sometimes I want to scream at myself & others, "GET UP OFF YOUR A** and TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. YOU CAN DO IT." I need to hear that sometimes.

Pray for them, but pray for YOURSELF more.

[HostNoMore]

But Everyday away from them is a victory

Damn well put... .

[Happiest]

Love your work.  

I wrote something similar but havnt sent it. But it felt good writing it nevertheless.

I think if I was treated the way you were by anyone in his camp, I would probably do what you did, and also after long thought and asking a friend to advise. My judgement alone isnt solid at this point in time. But getting my mojo back is of great interest to me... .

[abovebeyond]

Thank you, Happiest.

I would not have written replacement if he had not opened the door and written me - although I THOUGHT about it BEFORE he even hit me up - A LOT. So yes, I had to "run it through the checker" of my closest friends before launching the shot. Over the past 3 months since break up, My judgment has been overly emotional and skewed. So I went into this well prepped and considerate of the angles. These people really believe they are within their rights at treating people like rugs. And now the replacement wants to get in on this (triangulation (read definition))?

Boom. Here you go, buddy. Now take a walk.

Another advantage of my reply to replacement, is the fact that I can now more comfortably ignore them in public if we happen to cross paths (we live in small city). I've stated my case. Now they BOTH know where I stand.

[SWLSR]

Above she is playing games with you, your  replacement and lord knows whoelse.  This is what they do.  Your replacment has bought into the act, it may be the same act you bought into, I sure did.  He views himself as the knight in shining armor.  Boy is he infor it.  But the best thing you can do is get out of it.  Do not even spectate if you do not have to.  Do not let her suck you back in, and if he ever comes around stay away from him also.

[TryingtobeReal]

Thanks for the encouraging post about taking back your power.  I needed it today -- just found out this morning that my ex BPD bf is engaged.  Had to cancel all my afternoon mtgs and come home to get on the board.    :'(

Looking forward to all this being behind me. 

T

[abovebeyond]

Thanks for the encouraging post about taking back your power.  I needed it today -- just found out this morning that my ex BPD bf is engaged.  Had to cancel all my afternoon mtgs and come home to get on the board.    :'(

Looking forward to all this being behind me.  

T

I'm in the same boat TTBReal. My ex BPDgf fiance melted down one week after we planned a date to get married (together 5 years), and 8 weeks later she was engaged to the clown she's with now. And yes it's the same triangulation (read definition) schtick I was pitched; however, I consciously made attempts to slow things down and not criticize the guy before me - as some of the stories she told made me think he was actually a pretty good guy in some ways. Details were mighty fuzzy.

Stay strong. Nobody, in their recovery, is healhty 100% of the time. But ANY opportunity you have to take your Power back, take it and RUN WITH IT. Run. With. It. You don't have to hurt anyone.

I'm well aware that this is triangulation (read definition). Trust me. I went in with 100% knowledge of what was going on. I feel better. Period. I stated my case and let him know any attempts at further contact to convince i'm the bad guy are very ill advised, insulting, and offensive to myself and family. How you like THAT?

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

The triangulation (read definition) is amazing. As long as you feel good about it and acted in a way that you can live with as well as get closure good for you.

[nonhere]

AboveBeyond, what a thing to have to deal with!

Thank you for reminding me why I went completely NC as soon as I heard she was with someone else (all contact was initiated by her).  Because I knew that pressing her, demanding any kind of honesty, self-exposure or closure ran the risk of the kind of c**p you've just been through: a move of the whole thing into a male locked-horns battle, egged on by a "victim" female.  "Oh, he's being such a psycho, stalking me, saying such bad things!"  And I knew I wouldn't be able to win such a fight, because there's no truth in it.  I'd feel sorry for the guy who was "protecting" her!

Better to just retreat from the whole toxic situation and lick my own wounds.

I didn't do better than you.  I just didn't face the same provocation, and I'm thankful for it.

I think in your situation I'd have done the same, just to speak my own truth; and then, given up and walked away.

[GlennT]

If you want to take back your power and get respect from them again, you must continually reinforce your NC barriers and your boundary markers. Say NO to all of their recycling, abuse, isolation, triangulation (read definition), cheating, lying, money issues, help with meds, therapy etc. You will earn peace of mind and respect from them in time when you do this.

[LoveNYC]

Good for you!

This doesn't count as breaking NC.

I think this is an A+ for you - if it saved him even a fraction of the drama and misery they've caused us, it's well worth it.

I wish someone had warned me with specifics.

[oletimefeelin]

This post made me cringe.  I understand your anger.  No doubt it's perfectly valid.  I'm more concerned, though, with restoring your dignity that's surely taken a hit in the dissolution of this relationship.  This hardly seems like the right outlet.  Bitterness in general is a tremendously unattractive trait.  Consider the message you're sending here?  Clearly, the ex is pulling the strings here.  She had the new guy friend you to mess with you and also snoop.  You for whatever reason decided to dabble in chinese water torture that day and accept his request.  He unfriends you and you quickly ask what gives.  Then you rail on your ex through this person.  You're communicating to her how much you still care.  You gave her what she wants, a reaction. 

These people make us do things that are out of character.  They get the best of us.  That's why in my eyes the only way to respond is to say nothing at all or to act as though you no longer give a sht.  The first is the safest and easiest course.  The second packs the biggest punch. 

The ex is the ass here not the dude.  He's a pawn just like you were.  That's the most important thing gleaned from this interaction.  Nothing has changed.  You already knew this, though.  Seeing it in living color should assist you as you move forward.

[1brokenwing]

Thoroughly enjoyed your post and lived vicariously through it.  You sound self-assured, smart, articulate and certain... .like you've gotten your self back after that BPD ride from hell! If he only got that you guys are like frikkin brother at arms! I think contact with replacement not same as contact with the BPD.  He drew first blood really. So what's wrong with finishing it and getting a little closure as well?  You sound resolved and I ain't EVEN worried about you! Peace out. 

[Rise]

I did not initiate.

He may have requested you on FB, but you did accept it. And you did send the first e-mail. And then you responded. While you didn't initiate, you played your part in the escalation. Just be honest about the role you did play. You didn't get backed into a corner. You had other options. You had three different chances to let this go. He may have opened the door, but you seemed pretty eager to step through it. If you were looking for an excuse to tell him or your ex off, that's fine. I for one couldn't blame you. Just don't act like you weren't looking for something like this to happen. If this made you feel better, then I'm glad. I really do hope this is your victory lap, and not just another go around the track. I just don't want to see you get pulled back into a bad situation after all your hard work getting out.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I did something similiar, but in person while she was hiding like a child in a public bathroom(I didn't realize she was there at the time). I didn't realize it was him until he asked me if I had a message for her then I got the situation. I let him know in a nice way that I would appreciate the stuff she stole from me, the money she owed me. Ooh and by the way when' you thought you were a couple we were still having sex. I then very causally walked away.

This whole situation was about as trailer trash as you can imagine. I am happy with that exchange, but I still shake my head that I every allowed myself to be involved with a person like that.

Never again will I think so little of myself that I will allow something like that to engage me. When I think of it I feel the need to go take a shower.

[abovebeyond]

Rise & Oldtimefeeling,

For a board that has so many agonizing stories of defeat, I find it really odd that you guys would get picky about who contacted who first or other finicky details. It might not be your mode of dealing with it, but it was mine this week. And it worked. For me.  Make NO mistake, it was victory lap. Trust me. . He hit me up first and THEN went on the uninformed offensive. Over stepping his bounds TWICE. Granted my theatrical description of "napalm" may have given you the wrong idea about the reply. In my case, napalm = truth, not anger. My reply was measured, calm, even funny and factual, and somewhat understated for a person whose had their guts ripped out over a 5 yr engagement, where the break up went down a week after setting a date to get married. My ex most probably had nothing to do with the friend request, and in all probability was upset that replacement did it, and in my guesstimation ordered him to rescind it. WhY? Because the last thing she wants is him talking to me and giving him a big heavy dose of the truth about her, the situation, and this continuing BPD pattern in her life (she's done this many times - 3 ex husbands, 4 kids).

I'm not bitter. Pissed off occasionally, The ONLY reaction she wants from me is to shut up and be silent.

So once again, VICTORY LAP! I still feel good. No regrets, because I did nothing to be ashamed of. Just facts, warnings about triangulation (read definition), and a "shove off" closing paragraph wherein I state in no uncertain terms that any and all future attempts to debate and/or communicate with me are ill-advised and insulting. Bye Bye. See ya later. Enjoy the ride. But leave me out of it.

I truly hope this small episode empowers other people on this board to STAND up for themselves, take no crap, put any & all who attempt to take advantage of our giving natures in their place. That's it. Plain and simple. I wallowed in it for 3 months, went through 3 previous recycles with her, went partially into debt, and a bunch of other stuff. Enough is ENOUGH. She does not have power over me anymore.

I agree that NC is necessary for our exBPDs. But if the replacement - who has no power over you or historical sway - steps in? Show them where the door is. If the ex happens to learn about it, who cares? Even better. I don't care either way. NO one walks on me, ever again.

Both you guys deserve a victory lap as well. Do it in whatever way that suits you. I'd LOVE to hear about it. I will root you on. We're all defeated. NC isn't a religion. And I ain't a church lady. But don't try to tell me what MY victory means to ME or how it effects my exBPD, because I KNOW it means. Nobody can take the small victories from us. It means we've turned the corner and are no longer hanging on to any measly shreds of magical thinking or whatever. I know, I've done that stuff too. And it ain't fun. And I know now that not much changes. I've come a long way in 3 months and I did it stone sober. No crutches.

This is my victory - I'm still enjoying it. Now go get your's - and make it work for you. Quit sobbing in the darkness and turn that corner. Any way you can. You can do it.

Peace/Love

[2010]

Hello abovebeyond, Hi!

It sounds like this was an excellent closure for you. I hope you_

[bpdlover]

2010 always has a good point or five. Go for another shape, triangles don't work. I had several friend requests about six months ago and decided after a while to block and delete. Make sure you use privacy settings as fb is for friends not gamers. Because there are so many lies and emotional confusion surrounding a borderline relationship, it is important to end with a full stop. NC for third parties! No consolation but his day will come.

[BlushAndBashful]

Triangulation (read definition) is a b!tch. I've never dealt with bs like that before.

Honestly I don't think I could have NC'ed that either. I really don't.

Poor, poor misguided new guy. He really is just a sock puppet in her game.

I remember thinking about my ex's exes when we first met ... .they were some of the most horrible people ever, who had mistreated him so badly *faint strains of violin solo*   I hated them like I never hated ex's exes before.

Then I experienced the ambient abuse and abuse by proxy (even when we were dating! Married even!)  His entire posse- friends, family- were horrid to me. HORRID. To the point of harassment, trespassing, repeated vandalism (well, I can only assume. But the time lines fit). His adult daughters attacked me.  His female BFF wouldn't meet with me ever because she kept having nightmares I was going to kill her. (serious WTH moment there).   The sad thing is, no one was talked into it.  He didn't ask or tell anyone to do stuff. They did it on their own- because they had to protect him.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

[bpdlover]

Sock puppets are cute. He is not a sock puppet. Try a pawn. If they can recruit groups of proxies then one would have to question both the sanity and health of the enablers also. Er, including us. Get far away. Triangulation (read definition) = gossip. Disneyland anybody? A grotesque voyeuristic freak show. I sent an email to my ex a week after she split me black telling her that I was relieved to be out of all the gossip. How can a person develop an identity when they depend on others for it?