After 2 months of NC, she came back wanting to be friends

[Pingviners]

So its been sometime since I talked to my ex. It was by accident that I got on the same bus as she did. Its been two weeks of it happening, however this time its different. She walked up to me and tell me to move a seat over and said "I'm sorry I have been a jerk, can we be friends"? I am a type of person who forgives but doesn't forget so we shook hands. She started her game as I would call it, she dragged me into Dunkin Donuts got me a soda, we started talking. She said she really had a hard time in life. She failed all her classes this semester. She said she had a really hard time. I mean its true but I didn't detect it? Anyway, she also said I got an iphone case this past christmas because i was thinking of you. Everything was fine. We left each other going home our own ways. Today, I asked her about the iphone case, she said it was a joke and said I am sorry to confuse you. She literally have just light hope somehow in me. Is this weird? I still love her in a way and also scared of her too honestly. I am just not sure what to do from here. I think NC made her wanted to talk to me or something. I don't even understand why she wants to be friends with me when she knows that I am not ready for that. Gosh I am so confuse. Someone please help!

[Mupetto]

Ping,

When I have doubts or begin to waver from my decision to not reconcile again I look at some of the photos of my scratched face. I read her absolutely sinister emails or texts or voice messages. I recall the hopelessness.

[Pingviners]

The only issue was that I just don't have those things going on. She is pretty nasty but never to the point where I can hate her.

[bpdspell]

Pingviners,

You don't need to hate your ex to know that a healthy reciprocal relationship is not possible with her. Two months of NC is a drop in the bucket in terms of space and distant from the relationship but rest assured your ex is mentally ill and there's nothing you can do to change that. I've seen my BPDex several times since the breakup and it's hard to accept that this very handsome man was crazier than a box of frogs.  Part of it is disbelief; the other part not being able to accept. Unfortunately they look very normal (and often times quite appealing) on the outside but on the inside they are damaged goods.

The best thing you can do is to remind yourself of why the relationship didn't work in the first place. Remind yourself of how she treated you, how she became triggered, manipulative, entitled, confusing... .remember the narcissism... .how the idealization ended and how the devaluation began. Remember all of it. This is who she is.

You may love her but if you listen to your gut you will know in your heart of hearts that you could never trust her. BPD's destroy trust and trust is the foundation of a healthy secure relationship. My ex cheated. After that I could never trust him again. Did I love him? You betcha! Could I trust a word that came out of his disordered mouth? Not in a gabillion years.

As for missing us... .they may miss us during NC but it doesn't change who they are at all. The lack insight and are not capable of learning from their mistakes and making amends. It is a part of their disorder. Remember that and continue to make taking care of yourself your number one priority.

Spell

[Pingviners]

So what do I do when I meet her next time? Seriously, hearing she failed all her classes this semester made me felt like why didn't I do something? Why didn't I just help her to succeed? I don't know what I shall do. Seriously there was a blurry thought of me walking to her house do the big gesture of love actually and say I love you. I know this sounds weird but sometimes I feel that my mind is that good in playing tricks on making her a good person. I loved her for who she was to me. She got the best out of me. She made me a better person but right now she is confusing me.

[TonyK]

Hearing she failed all her classes this semester made me felt like why didn't I do something? Why didn't I just help her to succeed?

Ping, that's exactly what you should dig deep inside yourself to find! Why do you feel you have to help her? Why do you feel you have to ''rescue'' her? Why is that your responsibility? 

Bare in mind that it is exactly this feature of your personality that attracted her to you in the first place. People like you, like me, like many of us in here, the ''willing rescuers'', are exactly their target. We are consumables to them. Use, dry-out, get rid of... .

Sometimes I feel that my mind is that good in playing tricks on making her a good person. I loved her for who she was to me. She got the best out of me. She made me a better person but right now she is confusing me.

Well, just a small comment here: join the club! 

[Blessed0329]

Ping, you sound like a very kind and compassionate person. I know this is hard, but try to remember it is not your responsibility to help her, or anyone except maybe your own child, succeed in school. She will survive the failed semester, in the whole scheme of her life. She probably does miss you, especially since she is needy and you are giving. But consider that you deserve someone who can stand on her own two feet and wants to be with you for you, not because you can take care of her. Wishing you the best.

[Pingviners]

So today I did the craziest thing in my life to end everything before new years so she can die with it.

I decided to take a bus to the closest stop and walked all the way to see her, ambush her at the house to just talk to her. I said to her something that I pretty much know this will end everything for us immediately. I said I am still am inlove with you. Her answer was that you hurt me so much that I am just done trying to see the future. I was very calm today. I said I can't be friends. She said I just don't want to be friends with you anymore. I put up a straight face. She said this is my last straw, I said this is mine too.

Honestly it totally hurts when I have to say everything but I came out without tears or anything. I walked 5 miles back. It was five miles of reflection. It was the five miles that opened my eyes. It was the five miles that gave me a clean slate. Its either I am in shock right now or I am just that numb that I can't feel a thing.

[gina louise]

BPDspell,

I needed to read what you wrote about making amends. My HUSBAND is deep into 12 step recovery for many decades-and can make honest and heartfelt amends to others... .but he has never EVER, not once, done so with me. His wife.

The one person he abused, attacked and blamed the most and the one person who loved him the most.

thank you for pointing that out about the amends.

GL

[Mupetto]

Sounds definitive.

Hope it works for you and that you can now begin to live your life without looking into your ex’s for validation.

[gina louise]

BPDspell,

my new mantra when I see or hear from my HUSBAND is now "crazier than a box of frogs"!

I just keep telling myself that. it fits so well.

my HUSBAND can be entirely pulled together in public, at work, with friends, with his kids... .

but behind closed doors, with me? crazier than a box of frogs.

Do I want that back in my life? Do I want to continue to appease, smooth, fluff, cajole and nurture that disordered person who routinely attacks and blames me? (sad to say that was his ONE consistency in our r/s)

nope.

GL

[SWLSR]

Ping

I would have my doubts it was an accident with these folks I don trust them.  ON the suject of friends this is what I have to say about that I have posted it before

What an ex BPD really wants when they want to be "friends"

1. Our mutual friends think I screwed you over and want nothing to do with me.  I need to show them you and I are friends in order for them to talk to me again

2. Your replacement is not working out and I need to use you to make him/her jelous

3. Your repaclement dumped me and I need you to fill the void.

4. I am broke and I need to borrow money from someone who wont make me pay it back.

5. It has come to my attention you are seeing somebody and I can not have that, I need to get close to you to run this person off, I can't have you doing that.

6. I really messed up letting you go and I dont want to admit it.

7. My car is in the shop and no one else will let me borrow theirs.

8. You have a possession I want and I need to use you to get it.

9. I am really bored right now and you used to fill my boredom do it again

10. I want to go out tonight can you be my babysitter for free of course.

[BleedsOrange]

You should be very proud of yourself for being honest with yourself and her about what you can handle and what your needs are. I am proud of you.

[doingtheswim]

So its been sometime since I talked to my ex. It was by accident that I got on the same bus as she did. Its been two weeks of it happening, however this time its different. She walked up to me and tell me to move a seat over and said "I'm sorry I have been a jerk, can we be friends"? I am a type of person who forgives but doesn't forget so we shook hands. She started her game as I would call it, she dragged me into Dunkin Donuts got me a soda, we started talking. She said she really had a hard time in life. She failed all her classes this semester. She said she had a really hard time. I mean its true but I didn't detect it? Anyway, she also said I got an iphone case this past christmas because i was thinking of you. Everything was fine. We left each other going home our own ways. Today, I asked her about the iphone case, she said it was a joke and said I am sorry to confuse you. She literally have just light hope somehow in me. Is this weird? I still love her in a way and also scared of her too honestly. I am just not sure what to do from here. I think NC made her wanted to talk to me or something. I don't even understand why she wants to be friends with me when she knows that I am not ready for that. Gosh I am so confuse. Someone please help!

Of course you're scared of her-- why wouldn't you be?

If you like being afraid and unable to trust your friends, as well as being treated disrespectfully and shamed-- by all means, give her the honor of your friendship : )-