Read something, open wounds

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Out of rumination, i opened up some chat logs, names have been changed, but they are unedited.

me: I refuse to believe you are cold hearted btw.

her: Time to face the truth. I never ran away from it. I'm a coldhearted btch and I don't break hearts. I rip and tear them apart.

me: Then why... .  did you act the way you did earlier, when it seemed like you wanted the relationship.

her: Like you said, I use guys for what I want.

... .  skip ~3 minutes of convo

me: Is there another guy? no I won't message the crap out of him, I'd just like to know.

me: I can't believe u could not have feelings the entire time.

her: Do I look like I have the time to be messing around with another guy?

her: I can. I hate men.

me: I've always heard, if you truly are into someone, you'll make time. It's only why I asked. ... .  did our friendship mean nothing?

her: Sure. Whatever you want to think.

me: No, I want to hear the truth from you.

her: I hate you right now.

me: I know you used to love me.

Why the hell does some part of me want to believe, that it was mostly  my fault? That I drove her to this point?

The logical side of me says, no way in hell in any form of reality would the following conversation happened if she was anywhere around normal, no matter how clingy/desperate I may have acted.

her: Hahahahaaaaaaa yeah right

[VeryConfusedNon]

Out of rumination, i opened up some chat logs, names have been changed, but they are unedited.

me: I refuse to believe you are cold hearted btw.

her: Time to face the truth. I never ran away from it. I'm a coldhearted btch and I don't break hearts. I rip and tear them apart.

me: Then why... .  did you act the way you did earlier, when it seemed like you wanted the relationship.

her: Like you said, I use guys for what I want.

... .  skip ~3 minutes of convo

me: Is there another guy? no I won't message the crap out of him, I'd just like to know.

me: I can't believe u could not have feelings the entire time.

her: Do I look like I have the time to be messing around with another guy?

her: I can. I hate men.

me: I've always heard, if you truly are into someone, you'll make time. It's only why I asked. ... .  did our friendship mean nothing?

her: Sure. Whatever you want to think.

me: No, I want to hear the truth from you.

her: I hate you right now.

me: I know you used to love me.

Why the hell does some part of me want to believe, that it was mostly  my fault? That I drove her to this point?

The logical side of me says, no way in hell in any form of reality would the following conversation happened if she was anywhere around normal, no matter how clingy/desperate I may have acted.

her: Hahahahaaaaaaa yeah right

[VeryConfusedNon]

edit: the last line of my post, was the last line of the convo above my comments/statement. Oops.

[VeryConfusedNon]

Just wondering if the above convo could have happened in any way shape or form if the ex was not a BPD.

[willy45]

Dude,

I have the same problem. No matter how crazy her behavior was, I still feel to blame. For real. It is crazy. Crazy on my part. If I tell anybody just one of the crazy stories, they would be tell me she was nuts. Unfortunately, I literally have about 100. I have been writing them down as they come to me. Seriously. 100. Well, almost 100. I'm sure there are more lurking around there. And somehow, they are all my fault in my own mind. Sure, she would blame me for them. That doesn't help. But, I am the one believing her. And I think that makes me a bit crazy. To believe a crazy person.

[Surnia]

Hi VCN and jonnyorganic

You are on something very important here. 

Some of us, me too, are conditioned to think that it is our fault. When we believe this, we can try to do it "right", it gives us a sense of "we can control this".

What we can do is slowly and steady unlearn this behavior. Ask yourself: Is it true? Is this my fault? Is this something about right or wrong? Sometimes we blame us for things there is nothing to blame, there are just different persons, different perceptions.

This could be also interesting:

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

[VeryConfusedNon]

How long does it take to get over?

[Surnia]

Be patient with you! 

It needs time and some sort of training. Accepting the thoughts you have about her and let them go. Many times.

Do you have something in your life you can focus on? This may help too. Keeping yourself busy with a project or a hobby.