Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 28, 2021, 05:12:29 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: 3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance  (Read 4213 times)
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« on: March 14, 2011, 11:52:57 AM »

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder .  This article  outlines the 10 myths that keep us stuck.  I believe that addressing and working through the 10 myths can help tremendously in detaching & healing.  So many folks on the leaving board ask "how do I make it through this breakup".  My answer routinely is to go back and look at the myths - they are powerful and when analyzed honestly - we can see our own patterns and help let go.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance  [Read original text here]

This is the first time where I had an "aha" moment when reading the article.  I was the best at giving my ex the excuses of circumstances:  dissertation, mother dying, wedding, house... .so many reasons to overlook bad behavior.

If I loved her enough, was patient enough - etc, then it would all be ok.  Funny thing is, as soon as we did not have chaos - she created the chaos by online affairs.  It wasn't chaos of an outside circumstance, I couldn't rationalize it away... .now what?

At that point, I became the blame of the bad behavoir - and you know what, I bought it.  I dug in deeper, tried harder, loved better... .
<br/>:)igging deeper - when had I noticed this in my life before? I was repeating my childhood - my mother blames everyone for anything she percieves as bad.   For example, she gets a cold (we all get colds) - well it had to be from the grand kids visiting - they are always sick.  Probems are all someone elses fault.

Who else bought they were the "problem"?  Tell us what you learned and how you healed.




More information

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
inwardliberation
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: working on divorce. Living in same house, different bedrooms
Posts: 263



« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2011, 03:06:27 PM »

I was brought up by a father that put my mother on a pedestal and she could do no wrong.  He took the blame for all that was wrong.  So, when I grew up that was my model.  I fell into the role immediately when I got married.  After 20 years of seeing how it just wasn't working as well as it had for my dad (both my mom and dad are codependent, thus their r/s worked for them), I started writing my wife love letters about all the things I was doing to show her I loved her how I tried to love her and when she didn't respond, I took it upon myself to do better and when that didn't work, I tried harder still.  It was through these letters that I think I started to come out of my FOG.  While I had no explanation for her conduct yet, I started to believe something was wrong that I couldn't fix.  As I started to figure this out, she started to pull away from me and as I met each of her challenges, she pulled away even more. 

This was also the time I started to discover the online/fantasy affairs.  She would tell others about this wonderful guy she met and how much better he was than me, etc.  I was conditioned to put up with this and too ashamed to take it public, I truly didn't know how to stop it.

Now that I can understand what the swirl I called life really was, I see so much clearer about the "Alice in Wonderland" world I was living in.  This includes how I could never figure out her fascination with reality TV.  She would get into sewing and cooking shows, yet, she hates to cook and sew ?.  Now I understand it's all about the drama and swirl these shows artifically create.

So, did I fall for the myth that it is all my fault?  Yes, I did because that was my reality.
Logged
samsara
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single and recovering
Posts: 385



WWW
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2011, 04:57:18 PM »

Early on in the relationship, I felt that (before I knew about BPD) I was not understanding enough, or not giving enough, to my (now ex) bf.
Logged
Finallyfree123
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 292


« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2011, 12:19:59 PM »

During my r/s with my uBPDexbf we would always say how great the r/s was but that there was this external influence that put us in conflict. I always described the external influence to be the result of the abuse he suffered. He described it as a communication problem. But I knew better.   

It just got to the point where no matter what I said or how I said it he would twist my words and use them against me. Every couple has issues now and then and it is important for both to be aware of what they bring to the table and be willing to compromise. But with a person with BPD they don't have healthy emotional response systems thus the very nature of the disorder is that it creates conflict coupled with no ability to resolve it. If you ask me that is the circumstance that causes the main problem.



Logged
Mystic
formerly Livia
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1632



« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2011, 02:09:50 PM »

I absolutely turned to circumstances to excuse the behavior of the BPD/NPDexbf. 

It was stress at work, it was stress from the psycho stalker ex gf, it was stress of the move, then it was the stress of the job search, stress of finances, the stress of my house being in need of renos, this stress, that stress, blah blah blah. 

Always something to look at and say well, when this stress or that stress is resolved, things will be ok. 

Heh.  You know, I was under two tons of stress too, but I didn't act like that.  It's just not an excuse. 

No more excuses in the future... .when someone acts in a way that is aberrant or abusive, it's on them. 
Logged
Beenreplaced
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 138



« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2012, 09:20:17 AM »

Most definitely.  He was constantly accusing me of being the problem.  From day one my behavior was always the issue.  Not knowing about BPD, I always thought that he would see the circumstance for what it really was... .nothing.  I too rationalized it away to his chaotic life with his mother, sister, brother, father and exwife.  I thought that these were the underlying issues that caused him to blame me for things that were not true and once he calmed down he would see everything for what it truly was.  I changed my behavior to make him happy so many, many times and each time we fought he would bring it back up again.  It was this cyclical argument that would never go away, it was exhausting. We were two people in a r/s with two different mind sets and I had no idea.  I just knew that he had this 'problem" with me and he made me feel soo ashamed and guilty.  I kept thinking if I could just get him to stopped being so stressed we would be good.  His personality is like a bottle of soda, you shake it and it starts to fizz and then poof the top comes off and all the soda starting pouring down the sides!
Logged
waterlily11
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 107


« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2012, 02:10:12 PM »

I bought in to some of his excuses (his life stresses) in the beginning. Soon he started blaming me. And then creating the chaos. I never EVER bought into it being all my fault. To a hammer, everything is a nail - I figured that out real quick.

I could still separate my imperfectness as a person from "everything being my fault". I was able to apologize for things that I realized were mistakes on my part --that I would apologize to anyone for. My own character and values were always in check.
Logged
sea5045
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1090



« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2012, 08:16:42 PM »

Yes when she became really dysregulated while she was moving and started yelling at me in a restaurant. I told her to stop talking to me like that in public, she got up went to smoke a cigarette and came back calmer. Then said "I wouldn't have to yell if you could hear".

I always looked so serious trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, people think I look so happy now bc I'm not being hollered at or blamed. Some of it was passive, like slamming cupboards, yelling at me for where i put the milk in the refrigerator, etc. Don't miss that stuff anymore... .sad I took it on as my responsibility. 
Logged
bpdlover
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1107


« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2012, 08:39:35 PM »

I just posted on another thread how I had felt like I was almost her at the end of the relationship. I had taken on board her illness and it was strangling me. I could barely dress myself. I was a convert, a believer, bound by lies, addiction and a cycle of relentless conversations embracing pain and basically everything she should have been letting go of. She took all my energy and cashed it in to superficially recruit the next convert. For a while, she was dead to herself having given her baggage to me. To think she was down about everything until the opportunity to create and bask in a crisis presented itself. It was time to rebuild myself again. Today, two years later, I'm as light as a feather and as happy as ever! Have we all learnt? Never again. NC!
Logged
GreenMango
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4328



« Reply #9 on: April 29, 2012, 01:24:33 PM »

I believed this for a very, very long time.

I wasn't giving enough.

I wasn't kind enough.

I didn't care enough.

I didn't do enough.

I believed the accusations for a long time... .because he believed them.  And perception is truth or even in the wildest statements there is a little bit of truth.  

I think back now and realize if the problems in the relationship were 100% solely mine it meant I had control and the responsibility fell on me.  It meant there was hope because I could work on myself and fix our relationship then I didn't have to acknowledge the BPD.  That I didn't have any control of.  I wanted to believe it was only our relationship, not something bigger.

-GM

Logged

abovebeyond
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 177



« Reply #10 on: April 30, 2012, 08:09:19 AM »

I also blamed my ex's behavior of PMS, lack of sleep, moods, new birth control, switching birth control, etc. On and on. I always dug around, needing a reason, and would find an excuse for her.

I became her agent in relieving her of accountability.
Logged
sea5045
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1090



« Reply #11 on: April 30, 2012, 06:24:18 PM »

I can still hear my brainwashing some times, maybe if I had cleaned more, drank less, maybe if I had changed my work schedule, maybe if I was younger... .every once in awhile it comes back, and I have to duke out those blaming messages. 

I like that I am only responsible for me... .
Logged
Marathoncathy

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 23



« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2012, 05:37:31 PM »

I was really in love with this guy. Am still broken hearted.however, he should have put those issues on the table before he gave me a ring.
Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2012, 08:30:07 PM »

I was really in love with this guy. Am still broken hearted.however, he should have put those issues on the table before he gave me a ring.

yes, it would be nice if we had all the facts before saying "yes". 
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
bonnie
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 77


« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2012, 06:06:59 AM »

il give you all a situation of mine i got the pleasure of witnessing a few months ago and "brainwashed"may just have a new meaning.my ex text me one afternoon not long after i left him and asked if i would go to his t appt with him i never responded, i sat on it for a few hours then decided i would turn up.he was shocked when i walked into the room and had tears in his eyes.he has had the same t for a yr or so now and ive only met him once before for about 10 mins.ok so by the end of this half hour appt he had informed me i had BPD and would it be possible that i could get my daughter looked after for a week and spend time as an in patient at his clinic.as unbelievable as it may sound i never realised what had just happened until later that night.i have spent 6yrs with him telling me im paranoid im crazy i need help ,he loves me would never hurt me im his soul mate painted me black to our friends family and then here i had his t telling me i needed to be locked up... .the only way to descibe this is its if im in one of those horrendous cheap b grade horror movies when no one can hear me screaming.
Logged
myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #15 on: June 29, 2012, 12:06:09 AM »

She got me thinking it was my fault even though I never really believed it. I ended up being the only one who apologized, and worked to better myself, which in effect showed her that she was 'right' and I was the one to blame. It felt unreal, and as painful as it is to know so many others have gone through it too, it's been a real relief as well. It's not just me. Finding there are distinct patterns with this disorder has helped me let myself off the hook for so many things she said I did which I know I didn't do. I don't have to see myself as the cause of the collapse. I don't have to agree with her perspective or projections of it. While I played a role in the dance, my problems weren't the major ones that caused us to not be together.
Logged
jdcthunder14
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 137



« Reply #16 on: August 27, 2012, 12:34:01 PM »

We all need to give ourselves a big break with this issue. People with BPD have loads of issues... .mine had severe anxiety, severe depression, Bulimia, panic attacks and various other aches and pains on a nearly constant basis. For me this relationship was all work. (trouble for me and every other man that crosses her path is that she is exceptionally beautiful, so it is easy to get wrapped up).

We did quite a bit of texting, emailing etc. after the breakup and she tried to blame our breakup on me being miserable. The actual breakup was caused by her cheating but she never admitted this. Even with all this logical information I find myself thinking sometimes if I had only done this or that maybe it would have worked out. I normally have to snap myself out of that... .repeating to myself that I am not responsible for her bad behavior and lack of sharing what was really going on in her mind.
Logged
T2Logan
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 136


« Reply #17 on: September 29, 2012, 11:43:15 PM »

Everything from big to small is someone or something else's fault. I took on that blame and I tend to do that with a lot that goes on. I think it stems from my childhood, but through therapy I have worked through that for the most part (though I feel 'cold' sometimes when I take a stand... .maybe I need to work through more!). Anyway, I used to blame myself, then she blamed me so it "validated" my thoughts in a sense. It was constant chaos and as many others have said, when the situations die down, she created the chaos herself! Recently though, and although I don't wish her behavior on anyone else, she showed a glimpse of it to her best friend who came to me asking what to do. In a way I felt validated that her behavior was NOT my fault (nor was I the crazy one or overreacting) and it's just her and she is doing this to others. I hope that doesn't sound bad.
Logged
Fultus
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 79



« Reply #18 on: November 20, 2012, 06:14:17 PM »

Yes, I blame myself and all that stuff.  I could have worked harder.  I should have done something when I felt her slipping away.  She turns things on me.  But right now... .my excuse is meds.

In a nutshell, my wife had a "reawakening in Jesus" right around the time she got pregnant the second time.  The pregnancy was preceded by her stopping her Prozac regimen.  We lost the baby.  I was devastated; she was distant.  Turns out she found someone else to turn to, one of the guys associated with the reawakening.  It was an emotional affair.  Maybe I was being too needy for her.  She has a lot of other excuses for not turning to me, mostly things I said out of context.  But I digress... .

She hasn't bee on medication since.  She mentioned wanting to go back on it at one point after the emotional affair exploded our marriage but things started settling down.  I told her to consult a doctor first and it went no further. 

Now I think the "what if I go back on the meds" line is the last lifeline she has.  Things weren't that good on the meds, though.  She had no interest in sex, for instance.  As opposed to the general disinterest she has now... .not sure one beats the other.  She was bearable, but like she was behind a curtain.  It still wasn't her.  It was better than what I have now, but not so much.  And we didn't have this much hurt between us.

So yes, I have this little voice in the back of my head saying "maybe this can make it better".  I don't believe it, but I want to.  D@mn, do I want to... .
Logged
Changed4safety
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living together, three and a half years
Posts: 517



« Reply #19 on: January 01, 2013, 10:19:52 AM »

Yep, I got the sob story--he was bipolar, mom was an alcoholic and Dad a workaholic, he had neuropathy in his legs from type I diabetes complication, former girlfriend dominated and terrorized him, read all his private emails, forbade him to even talk to female friends, threw him out on several occasions, accused him of rape and had him committed for a 3 day exam, and all this gave him PTSD.

Some of this is verified.  His mom IS an alcoholic (wow did she come after me when we broke up), he does have neuropathy in his legs (been there with the doc) he DID have a wacko girlfriend (mutual friend whom I trust verified pretty much all of what he had said.) 

So of course, I cannot look at his computer, because it will trigger PTSD!  Not that it would occur to me.  So he was able to cheat on me with online affairs and one real one for years.  He was punishing me because I anticipated that I would be like the ex.  It was devastating.  He refused to look for jobs, just sat and played videogames while I paid for everything (the computer and the internet connection and the phone and phone service he used to cheat on me with among them.) He would start to get angry, I would become fearful and be accused of being "snarky."  I was told that when he ratcheted up, "your job is not to piss me off."  He would punch holes in the wall, break things, and I would pay for them and clean them up.  He did apologize, tearfully, the three times his meds were interacting badly and he choked me (for the record, I know this to also be true.  Still.)

He's gotten better, much better, in the last year.  But that was when I lost my Dad, and after three and a half years of abuse I didn't have the emotional strength to start all over agian.  I finally broke it off two weeks ago. 

I am codependent and the adult child of an alcoholic, and being with my mother for 10 days showed me starkly where I got the ability to handle all these things and believe the bad things abuot myself.  A revelation.  I lost four and a half years and about $100,000, living with threats of suicide and this absolute certainty that if I left him, his life would be ruined and it would be all my fault.  Blinders are at least starting to come off... .  
Logged
Juliecelle

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 29


« Reply #20 on: May 16, 2013, 02:53:43 AM »



dBPDh has tried for so very long to make me look to be as bad as he feels. Every time I see this pattern, it only strengthens my resolve in knowing that I am, in no way responsible for his disorder. It truly makes me stronger and extremely self-aware.

And those eggshells? I'm to the point of not caring how many I step on. Not my problem!

Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2584



« Reply #21 on: May 16, 2013, 05:26:51 AM »

I fell into the camp of the relationship problems being ALL caused by me.  Certainly that is what she implied frequently.   There was a lot of if you loved me enough you would change XYZ, and when I would change XYZ then suddenly the problem would shift to if you loved me enough you would change ABC.  It lead me to question my own sanity.  And frankly its this part of the disorder that seems to have done the most damage to my psyche.  It dovetailed too nicely with my own issues and became a bottomless pit quickly.   
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
spottydog

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 24



« Reply #22 on: June 04, 2013, 04:15:23 AM »

We have been married for 16 years... . 16 long hard years.

It feels like an impossible situation to get out of. I know in my heart that the relationship is not healthy and never has been, we have broken up so many times, in anger he has crushed his wedding ring beyond repair, raged and sworn at me for speaking to him 'in the wrong tone of voice', joining internet dating sites, advertising himself for sex meetings, not to mention the gambling... .    He told me once if I ever left him he would hire a hit-man... . I could write a book about all the things he has said and done.

I am now clinically depressed and trying to get help for myself. We had another break up just over a week ago because I didn't cuddle him in bed that morning... . he sulked all day, sat on his ___e for about 14 hours watching tv and not speaking to me... . the next day he is sending me texts full of kisses... . I said I just can't take the ups and downs any more, I feel emotionally drained.

Some months ago I printed a load of stuff off the internet about BPD and asked him to read it... . he did, and said it was like reading a book he had written himself. He went to the doctor and told him he wanted therapy. He was referred but never went, now he says I brainwashed him into thinking he had a problem, and it is me that has the problem not him... .

He is moving out in a couple of weeks, and I can't decide how I feel about this... . time will tell I guess. I can't control my emotions at the moment. I am in a constant state of confusion... . all par for the course though I guess.
Logged
ChrisD
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

Posts: 1


« Reply #23 on: July 12, 2013, 03:15:29 PM »

My BPD wife (I'm slogging through a divorce right now) went through a variety of stressful life events (new job, Grandmother died, wedding planning, moving in to my apartment) and I kept making and pointing to excuses for her spats of rage and insidious verbal abuse.  Over time, I succombed to mild depression, took to drinking more than I should and internalized a lot of her abusive behavior.  It took me over two years to realize that her BPD behavior was actually her personality and not caused by external circumstances or something stupid that I did. 

Understanding this was the probably the first step in my decision to get a divorce.  The second step was realizing that she was fundamentally incapable of owning her behavior, words or actions.  I would point out obvious examples of where she chose to do or say something hurtful and about the most reaching apology I could from her was the classic "I am sorry that you feel that way."  She was and still is incapable of saying "I am sorry for hurting you by doing [XXXX]".  I think I now accept this, more or less, and realize that the only forgiveness I will be able to find is of myself.

That's definitely going to take more work because I still get feelings of vengeance for how she treated me.

I am truly thankful for this forum.  When I am around her (briefly, once or twice a month) and in negotiating my divorce, I feel as though I am floating above the situation and observing her behavior from a safe distance.  I can now quickly spot the manipulative tricks and twisted ways she still tries to hurt me.

If there are any good posts on divorce, I'd definitely appreciate a link.  Thanks everyone!

Logged
fiddlestix
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 210


« Reply #24 on: September 25, 2013, 09:52:24 PM »

OMG!  I am still trying to let go of the shame that I am responsible for the breakup.  During our 25 years together I went from being a hospital janitor to a United Methodist minister with a Masters degree.  I matured, grew, bettered myself.  Yet, I have maintained what I consider an edgy, often irreverent sense of humor, a love for good rock music, dark humor... .  But my wife would complain that I "have changed."  I am no longer the "cool rock musician with long hair" that I was when we met.  She coerced me to believe that I was no longer "cool."  Whatever... .it's all BS!  ALL of my friends insist that I am the same funny, edgy guy... .only better, more confident, older, wiser... .  Conversely, my ex wife backslid into what she was as a teenager: a slut who slept around, drank, did drugs, got fired from jobs, shoplifted... .  And I changed?  Indeed! For the better. As my 20 year old son says, ":)ad, you grew up, Mom did not (we are 47 years old)." 

Yet, somehow I felt ashamed that I was not "cool" enough for her.  The night I told her to leave the house 1.5 years ago she said she is more attracted to "bad boys."  Fine.  She can have them.  The guy she lived with when she left me ended up in jail for abusing her.  Good choice in men babe.  The guy before him was a stringy-haired homeless man whom she "befriended" while working as a supervisor at the homeless shelter (he dumped her).  Her current fling is a young motorcycle driving dude.  She's got her cool "bad boys" lining up.  She just got fired from another job (she's a marriage and family therapist!).  But I was the problem. 

Fiddlestix
Logged
mitchell16
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 829


« Reply #25 on: September 26, 2013, 09:37:16 AM »

i fell into this trp with her almost from the start. I think she played on my guilt from my divorce. I had told her that I new that I was at fault for alot of the problems in the marriage and I explained where I had went wrong. I think this gave her ammunition to play me. Her first melt down came out fo nowhere and caught me by total surprise. I had never seen anyone act like that for something so little. But the verbal lashing was bad. Of course she quickly said she was sorry and just said it was work stress and that she wasnt used to the pressures of being in a relationship. since she hadnt been in one in such a long time. She quickly pointed out that I had been married for over ten years and i was used to the closeness and I had also been established in my career for 20 years and she ahd just started hers. I bought it hook line and sinker. I thought I guess she could be right, she is under alot of pressure. From that moment on everything was my fault. If she lied, It was becasue she couldnt tell me the truth. If she exploded, it was because I had accused her of something or I spoke to her harsh. In the ahlf I worked on turning my head towards her behaviors, i worked on changing in how I talk or looked, facial expressions. I didnt question anything she did. Once I asked her what she had for lunch, just everyday normal conersation and plus she ahd a tendacy not to eat and she was a health person. So it was out of concern and just general conversation. later she accused me of  "policing her eating" I was shocked and when I explained she said I guess you thought I was eating with my ex. I have no idea where that came from. When I asked she said you never asked me what I ate before. of course I was sure I had but i could recall for sure. of course i looked back in old text and I had found where I had asked her diffrent times what she had for lunch. But once I could prove it, she didnt want to hear it. and then said you are always starting a fights why not just let it go.

So for a long time I blamed myself and still do at diffrent times. I got stuck in that trap. maybe from my upbring. When I was growing up, may parents seemed to be always harder on me and everything was my reposiblity. Maybe I developed a guilt complex from that. This stilll ha sme stuck to some degree.
Logged
maxen
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2253



« Reply #26 on: October 25, 2013, 01:51:02 PM »

a very hard topic because ... .i did cause some of the problems in the relationship. i wasn't in the house enough, for legitimate reasons which she knew before going into the marriage, but which must have been very hard for a BPD; i reacted with frustration to some of her patterns, instead of reaching deeper inside to accept them or setting boundaries which i had the confidence to adhere to; my resentment at her behaviors built up to the point that i couldn't express myself any longer.

but those behaviors were demeaning; and i had the feeling then, and am more certain now (it's only after her exit affair that i was put onto BPD), that no amount of patient acceptance would have been enough, there would always be more need. she was never verbally abuse (really only once that i can think of) but she was very emotionally dishonest and astoundingly passive-aggressive. at the time i thought "maybe she really is just forgetting this and that, or maybe it's the alcohol and not viciousness towards me". with an understanding of BPD it all falls into place. however it's still a struggle for me to really embrace that my reading of the situation is right. i think still: maybe she's right, maybe i didn't love her enough; maybe there was an excuse for each individual oversight (some of which caused me physical injury); maybe that story she told me 5 years later does exculpate her (from trying to trick me into pregnancy); maybe i should have assumed the traditional roles of men and women (and taken care of everything while she sat about indolently); maybe i was emotionally ungenerous (after she got so drunk that she forgot to make the thanksgiving arrangements she had volunteered to take on, i couldn't laugh with her through it any longer. but of course, if i had given her all the emotional support she wanted, she might not have had to drink so much).

her one bit of insight was to say at our last (disastrous) meeting that she can't forgive (anything, but in particular the way i spoke out of my frustration) and does hold grudges forever and "maybe that's just the way i am." so it's nice to know she accepts herself (as a marriage-destroying, deceitful, adulterous egoist).

it would be hugely comforting to know that the BPD is unconquerable, that i'm not just telling myself that to assuage the pain. but everything i read here, and my T, tells me that the BPD really is controlling.
Logged

starshine
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: out of r/s w/baby daddy 15 yrs, out of r/s w/N/BPD exbf 2+ yrs
Posts: 172



« Reply #27 on: January 29, 2014, 09:07:42 PM »

When I first met my uBPDexbf he had a really great job- it didn't pay a lot, but it was immensely satisfying to him.  He was injured on the job, had to take time to heal.  From then on out he was a total victim- there were always outside causes to why things were always drama, drama, drama.  He would only make money on his terms, and I just fell right into the role of family provider.  He wouldn't even donate plasma, and I was so full of financial despair that I almost did! It was only words from a healthcare provider, saying my immune was too low to do so kept me from donating. 

It was his father's fault, his sister's fault, his ex-wife's fault, his oldest daughter's fault, anybody's fault or responsibility but his.   I don't remember thinking it was really ever my fault.  I'm a stand-up chicka, and I took care of business as best I could.  I also act right, and tend to hold people countable, and that made him nuts.  He hated that I put consequences on bad behaviors (good ones too  Smiling (click to insert in post)).  At the very end, after he had replaced me and moved on (in 4 days!), we had one conversation outside of his house.  I had come by to pick up some of my gardening stuff.  He looked at me so sad, and said, "This wasn't supposed to happen." I told him I wasn't sure what he thought was going to happen, but as always, I based my choices on choices he made and he chose every thing that he did.  He chose to move me out, he chose to move on.  I chose not to chase him.  I chose to disengage immediately.  I wasn't begging for that.  I accepted a lot of bad behaviors and lies.  But when the house of cards fell down I walked away from the game.
Logged
NyGirl8
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 117



« Reply #28 on: February 04, 2014, 07:14:06 PM »

I just cannot get over reading stories that are so very similar to mine.  I am trying very hard to step out of the cycle for good now.  Having children to co-parent makes it very difficult for me.  But, I too put so much blame on myself.  It was what he came to expect.  When I received therapy... . which I am still in, boy did the rage increase.  He could not accept any boundaries or be called on his unacceptable behavior.  He still can't. 
Logged
mitchell16
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 829


« Reply #29 on: March 13, 2014, 09:30:04 AM »

until I learned about BPD mine had me convinced that it was all my fault. I didnt do enough for her, I didnt say the right words and if i did say the right words I didnt say them with the right tone. She said I smothered her, so when I backed away I didnt care enough about her. If I wanted sex, all I did was use her for sex and that all I cared about, if I backed off from sex, she said I kow longer found her desirable. If she got out of control with her temper and I left, I abandoned her. If I stayed all I wanted to to do was fight and argue. If I didnt save money I was going through life without a plan. If I started a plan to save for our future then I was to controlling and I never wanted to have fun. If she was accused me of something I didnt do and I defended myself I loved to argue and if I sat in silence that proved she was right. If I laughed at a joke or something funny I was insulting her which resulted in her telling me how mena or cruel I was. If I didnt I had no sense of humor and I never Laughed. I once told her I could never win, She turned around and said why does it have to be about always winning with you. But it was hopeless. I finally just gave up.

I beat myself up about this for awhile, I felt like I was a complete failure. Once I learned about BPD, it was like a light went off in my head. it alll finally made sense. Then I thought about my past relationships and I relized I had never had this problem in past relationship, they had failed but it was for diffrent reasons. Never, never like this. I felt like I was going crazy.

reading my response to this post was helpful and it reminded my of why I never want her back.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!