Question

[blurry]

 My relationship "appears" to be over with my BPD ex fiancee/girlfriend for the third time in 3 and a half months. I have to say shes never been formally diagnosed and im not sure if its my ego thats trying to make me search for some logical reason as to why she broke up with me, so i can feel like it wasnt my fault, or ifs shes really BPD, but from everything ive read, im nearly positive she is. My main question is, is it possible for her BPD to be directed at me and only me? I would assume that most personality disorders would be impartial as to who became a target. Maybe its more subtle or im not there to see it, but i honestly dont see any idealization/devaluation directed towards her kids or co-workers, which leads me to believe maybe its me reaching for some excuse to make myself feel better for how this ended. On the other hand, i believe all of her past relationships were similar to ours. Any help, opinions would be appreciated, cause its been eating up my mind.

[mitti]

It is usually the people closest to a pwBPD who will be one the receiving end of their disordered behavior, such as us, their partners. A lot of pwBPDs are high-functioning and people around them usually have no idea what goes on in their r/s, and I am sure sometimes not even their children depending, I guess, on the type of bond they have with their kids.

None of the friends, work colleagues, or even his kids of my exuBPDbf have any idea what he is really like. With them he is subservient, kind, helpful, calm to the extent where some of them abuse his kindness and willingness to be accepted. I am sure they all believe I am the crazy gf as he has made me out to be. But I know that all his previous r/s played out the same way ours did. He does have problems with other people and vent his negative feelings about them but not any more than any normal person would. This disorder is usually noticeable only to those they have the closest attachment to.

[Lady31]

I agree with Mitti.

Mine is like yours too.  I have seen him split some people black, but for the most part people on the outside have NO IDEA what he is really like.  My BPDh is very high functioning and very intelligent. 

When it comes to his daughter - he doesn't seem to respond to her very often with typical BPD behaviour.  Although, I did notice it being directed at her much more when I moved out of the house for about 5 months last year.  When I wasn't around and cut our contact down to almost nothing other than work (we have a business together) she really started getting the brunt of the cycles.

Also to note, it wasn't until I left that he was forced to interact with her more.  When I am here at home, I take her to school, to run errands, deal with things that come up for what she needs, take her to work.  Basically he rarely sees her.  He spends all his time out in his man cave away from both of us.  This equates to him interacting with her when he feels like it and is in a good mood as opposed to having the responsibility to do so even when he is going through the dark part of his cycle. 

[bpdspell]

Hey Blurry,

BPD is an attachment disorder.

What triggers the disorder are feelings of vulnerability, need, and intimacy. These feelings are all a part of a healthy romantic relationship dynamic. In the stages of idealization both parties are showing their best face and their most seductive representative. But as time goes on vulnerability, intimacy and the emotional risks that come with emotional maturity are put to the test. This requires closeness. Closeness is intimacy but closeness can also hurt if you aren't trusting. A person with BPD however will get triggered by this closeness because closeness for them= death.

A person with BPD is emotionally stunted due mainly to childhood trauma and predetermined psychological wiring. Intimacy and vulnerability triggers abandonment fear as they become closer to us. Blurry. Your ex's abandonment of you isn't personal. Anyone who comes close will trigger her disordered thinking and behavior. This is why co workers, colleagues, associates often are unaware of the emotional struggles that people with BPD hide and disguise from others. These kind of relationships don't require intimacy.  These relationships are often perfunctory in nature and don't require triggering closeness.

You have to get close in order to trigger them.

As you stated her history has shown you that this is cyclical for her.

Spell

[Seb]

Yep, what BPDspell said. Intimacy is the big factor here. The closer you are, the more you trigger the disorder. But the cruel joke is, pwBPD crave intimacy... they just can't handle it when it comes.

My exgf's longest relationship (3 years) was with a man. Every other girl she was with since was for a far shorter time. I used to wonder then, how could she have stayed with her exboyfriend for 3 years without it triggering her - well, I would imagine that because she's gay then she was never that emotionally involved in the first place.

I was her first 'girlfriend'... .  every other girl was just someone she was sleeping with in secret (her type is 'straight'. I was the first person she called her 'girlfriend' to friends, the first partner to live with her and to show her commitment, and I'm also the first person I can see that she's cut out of her life completely. I got very close, and now I'm being pushed the furthest away. I think pwBPD are very guarded, and don't attach to people very easily. Very few people get to see the real them. I sometimes wonder if it is my ego that has led me here, to look for answers. But... .  I think about it logically. If she's BPD, even if she's not, she still exhibits some very negative and destructive behaviours, and her relationship patterns follow the BPD relationship evolution to a 't'.  There's a gut feeling that's telling you this was somehow different to every other break-up... same with me. I didn't do anything wrong, I tried my best, I loved her and committed to her, but I was punished as if I was the most evil person in the world... .  it made no sense to me whatsoever, that's what led me here.

[blurry]

 Thanks for the input, thats what i was thinking but i wasnt sure if i was trying to justify some things i may have done wrong in the relationship. Other question was, is it possible that her "splitting" could always be something i triggered? I feel like i should of just kept my mouth shut the last three times i felt the need to express myself to her, and wonder if i could of lived with/not shown any resentment for the fact that i would of been forced to keep it inside. Although i didnt realize she was BPD, or at least had some of these BPD traits at the time.

Just had a heartbreaking month back together, after a 3 week break-up, in which she went and slept with her ex twice, said she hated me and never loved me (she had proposed to me 6 weeks earlier, with one shorter break-up inbetween). Im wondering if i didnt cause unnecessary problems due to the insecurity that gave me. Basically ended Nov and started Dec with 5 or 6 of the best days ever, including one evening where, while being intimate, she told me i was the love of her life and told me to get her pregnant (would of been her 6th), luckily i declined in a nice way.

Next day, for no reason at all, decides to attack my integrity over something personal that im dealing with. I let it go for a couple days until i decide itll bother me if i dont, and i cant accept that treatment, so i politely and calmly try to talk to her about it, expressing that while shes entitled to her opinions, if she cared about me as much as she says, she wouldnt talk to me that way, and i point out that i have never judged her on her past, or any current problems and id appreciate it i could have the same respect in return.

Then i guess we all know whats next, after i press the issue and get told to "get over it and be a man", "i hate you, i never loved you, you're a loser, i cant stand the thought of you, ect." Two days after being totally in love and wanting to get pregnant. This is just one major example out of about 5 since Sept. All this behavior started the in Sept after the honeymoon phase i guess.

Guess im still just wondering is shes truely BPD or if its me, although i never once threatened the relationship. You think after 2 divorces, that id be able to get over this easily but im hurting really bad, although the confusion is wearing off, assuming this is the forum i need to be in and im not justifying my own behavior by labeling her BPD.