He left me. Now what?

[calilove]

Hello. I think its been at least a year and a half since i was last here. The time i posted i was in the staying board. I left my bf almost 3 months ago after a violent episode. Long story short he talked to a psychic one day over the phone to ask about his mom who just passed away last year. For some reason this psychic made him think i cheated on him which i would never think of doing. I came to find out he cheated on me with 3 different girls and that he was the did all the things he accused me of doing. I actually went to take a lie detector test to prove it... .and failed, but not because i lied. I wish i had done some research before doing that. Those test are not accurate and very nerve-racking (i didint think i would be nervous because i really told the truth. I was so sure i would pass. Anyway, when i failed that was it, all his suspicions were confirmed. After many days of going back and forth on him believing me and not, he beat me and did things to me i rather not say. I left him that first time and came back after he promised we would change for good but within the next few weeks i had a black eye again and thats when people at work started to worry and get involved. A few days after, we fought again and i had an opportunity to leave so i took it. 3 days later he left to utah to be with his daughter while we figured things out.

Im sorry i got in so much detail. We've kept in contact everyday by text until 5 days ago when he just stopped responding. Right now i've thinking and wondering and feeling all the things you said. Its hitting me that he's probably moved on. The thing is im still in love with him and i hoped things would go on how they were and he would go get help and maybe after sometime we would get back together if he changed. I didn't expect to just be cut out of his life like that or this soon. I've more depressed these last 5 days and reading your post makes me feel better in knowing im not the only one going through this. It is so hard.

[patientandclear]

As far as I can tell from my own experience and the stories of others, the problem pwBPD have with ex-partners is that, often, we are triggers for extremely bad feelings.  This is involuntary & not something they can control.  And the bad feelings are complicated.  It may be in part that they realize they acted poorly and that is an intolerable reality, and that requires projecting onto their ex-partners why it was necessary to split up.  It may be intense frustration and despair that they cannot maintain an enduring intimate relationship, which is really hard to face -- and again, requires projection to explain.  It may be that they do feel close to the ex-partner but that closeness is sort of horrifying either because they fear it will be taken away, they fear that anyone they are close to has an ulterior motive and will ultimately hurt them, or the closeness is a threat to their own need to define themselves and individuate from others.

Or it could be all of that at once.

You can see how -- once you, the former partner, are associated with that cocktail of unpleasant feeling -- a brand new person is just a hell of a lot more comfortable to be around.  Someone who, as another member on here said, is "less known, and less knowing."

That isn't because the ex-partner isn't thought of, or still important.  It's because the good feelings about the ex-partner get all wrapped up in terrible feelings and the whole thing just kind of needs to be emotionally shelved for the sake of survival.

I will say that my uBPDexbf and I have managed to find our way back into a reasonably viable friendship, after nearly a year of NC, so at least in his case, I've been able to verify that the positive feelings about me & us are not gone.  I am still important to him.  However, I can also verify that these feelings are really complicated for him & they regularly go sort of haywire.  Whenever we get too close he has to get a lot of distance before he steadies himself and we can resume our usually close relationship.  And this is with both of us repeatedly reaffirming that we are not trying to have a romantic relationship.  It is clear that everything good between us eventually triggers a whole suite of other, really difficult feelings for him.

So it is much more complicated that do they think of us or continue to care, yes or no.  The "caring" is unfortunately bound up with so much that is painful that it almost automatically precludes closeness.

[Rose Tiger]

I'm sorry he hurt you.      Most of us here on the Leaving forum know that our expartners are putting most of the blame on us and there isn't much we can do about it.  They can't take responsibility for their part, it's the disordered coping mechanisms that have been ingrained for years.  What you do have control of is taking care of yourself, I know it is very painful when they cut out so easily after we loved them so much.  Here is a link about what it means to take care of you.

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

This may be helpful too:

The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

This break is a good time to take a deep breath and to look at the big picture in the relationship.  While I was caught up in it, I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  When I had time to start processing things, oh wow, all sorts of things came to light.  Hang in there!  

[Rose Tiger]

Calilove, wanted to add that I got knocked around, too.  Didn't want you to feel alone in that. 

[calilove]

Thank you. I am hurt just thinking that he just does't care anymore and everything i did for us was for nothing. The last thing he text me was that his daughter and i are his universe and that he can't change that n doesn't want to. How can he just ignore me after saying something like that? It hurts even more because. He's never ignored me for this long in the 5 plus years that we've been together,which makes me think he's really done. I probably met someone but why can't he just tell me? He would tell me to just tell me if i met someone or moved on so why can't he? I miss the good things about us and just his attention. He's been all i know. A part of me hoped he would realize what we have,the good at least, is worth him getting help. I pray one day he'll realize it, but right now i think he might not be ready to face his issues.

[Rose Tiger]

I, too, wish my Ex would wake up and smell the coffee.  I'll probably wish it even if he remarried, moved 5 states away, joined a monastary and became a monk.  A part of me will still wish for his health and well being.  That was the hardest thing to accept, that he just doesn't think and feel like I do.  He doesn't see 'me',  without a self, he can't self reflect, until he has a self, he can never really know me.  It hurts like a MOFO.  On the other side of pain is peace.  It takes some doing to get there.    Are you being gentle with yourself?  Are you taking care to eat healthy and to rest?

[calilove]

Thank you. I'm glad i came back to the boards. I feel like. I'nm going crazy walking around in a daze,which i've been doing since i left but way worse because right now i don't have him out there missing me. How could do this to me? All of it and then one day just ignore me like i don't exist. I feel like i'm in a bad dream. This is the hardest thing i've ever been through. I try not to cry around my family, inside i feel like i'm dying. 

[calilove]

I, too, wish my Ex would wake up and smell the coffee.  I'll probably wish it even if he remarried, moved 5 states away, joined a monastary and became a monk.  A part of me will still wish for his health and well being.  That was the hardest thing to accept, that he just doesn't think and feel like I do.  He doesn't see 'me',  without a self, he can't self reflect, until he has a self, he can never really know me.  It hurts like a MOFO.  On the other side of pain is peace.  It takes some doing to get there.    Are you being gentle with yourself?  Are you taking care to eat healthy and to rest?

I felt pretty strong somedays but now that i haven't heard from him, i keep thinking what if i handled things a little differet... .i try to eat and sleep good lately i've been so depressed. I wake up early and toss and turn and foos isn't as appetizing.

[Rose Tiger]

I'm praying for your peace and comfort.  Hard grieving needs big time comforts, wrapping up in a soft blanket, gathering pets around you, a nice bath.  Be really gentle with yourself!  Do you have family or friends you can reach out to if needed?  Hang in there, my heart goes out to you, this is really hard stuff.  Tears can be a blessing, a good cry can really help.  Put on some comfort movies for a break.  Can you call in sick to work if need be?  Do not feel like you need to take care of normal things right now, it's ok to take some time to work through this.  I'm so sorry you are dealing with this really hard time.     

[Surnia]

Hi calilove

I feel with you. 

You are going to very rough times right now.

You sound very depressed. Do you have something to busy sometimes? Like walking a dog or something similar?

It is important that you can take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself.

Keep us posted, Calilove. 

Surnia

[calilove]

Thank you for your kind words. I spent my whole weekend doing stuff with my sisters and cousin. It distracted me at times but of course i wasn't my usual self. I'm gonna leave forr work in a bit. It is pretty slow right now which makes the day drag out but i have a couple of work friends and they usually make me feel better.

[Surnia]

Calilove 

Good to hear that you have some friends and also some distraction from work.

Did you ever consider to work with a therapist how is experienced with domestic violence or abuse?

What you went through was really tough, so you could be depressed or traumatized. A professional could be helpful and support you. What do you think?

Take care

Surnia

[Rose Tiger]

   Hey Cali, that is great you have sisters and a cousin, and work friends that you enjoy.  I remember back to an episode, a fairly bad scene and I emailed him that I was surprised he hadn't apologized.  He responded that he didn't have time to think about it because his bank account had been compromised.  He said, when he did have time to think about it, he'd probably feel sorry about it.  Alrighty then, I'd sure like to compartmentalize things into a 'I'll think about it later box' but I'm not set up like that.  When I wonder what he is thinking, I assume it's stuff like, 'think I'll have spaghetti tonight'.  He just wasn't a deep thinker.  Your guy might be similiar, able to set it all aside.  So unhealthy, we can feel pain but we can also feel joy and love.  As hard as this is, we are the lucky ones. 

[Sabine]

  Back Calilove,

Oh dear the pain and confusion of it all is mindboggling isn't it?  I'm sorry he hurt you so badly, mentally, emotionally, and let's not forget physically. My exBPDbf usually couldn't look at me or be in the same room as me after he'd rage at me. Not because he was still 'angry', but because of the overwhelming shame and guilt he was feeling. One time very early on in our r/s I asked him if he ever hit a woman, his answer, "not with a closed fist". Really? That should have been my first exit out, but alas no I hung in there because of all the lovely, beautiful things he used to say to me and thinking and hoping he'd go back to being that sweet person I'd first met.

The other members are right, you need to take deep breaths and be gentle to yourself. Think of the 'little girl' inside of you who has just been really hurt by someone... .imagine trying to comfort her. What would you do for her? What would you say to her?

Take your time, stay close to the boards and let us know how you're doing... .big hugs 

[Surnia]

  calilove

are you okay?

[calilove]

Hello. Work turned out to be busy this week. I haven't had a chance to write till now. All day monday i just kept thinking the worst, that something might have happened to him or that he met someone else. It upset me to think that and then i started to think if he did , that girl has no idea how he can be. As much as i love and miss him and as much as i start to doubt myself, i know i did the right thing by leaving even though it hurts. When i left work i saw that he finally text back ''i love u too''. I asked him why he had been ignoring me and he said that because he knows its over and that im not being being a grown woman by just telling him to move on.  I told him that i dont tell him that because that isnt what i want. I want us to get better. Things were ok the next few days. He was being very sweet and told me he just wants me. Then yesterday i checked my email because i was bored n saw that he emailed me almost a month ago telling me he misses me. I thought it was sweet because he never emails me so i replied that i missed him too. Then i text him asking him to check his email. I told him i hardly check my email and it was a nice surprise. He replied that i must have been checking it to see if this other guy emailed me and that he didint know what hw was waiting for that i dont want him anyway that i want this other guy instead and that he should just move on... .i hate when he starts thinking the worst. I've never had anything to do with that guy. I only want him. I told him all this . I feel like he set me up. Like he sent me that emIl just to see if i check my email because if i did to him that means i email other people. He's accused me of this before and it doesnt make sense to me. Im sad that we're like this right now. Its the holidays and i was hoping we would be able to talk on christmas. I sent him and his daughter gifts last week and he said he would wait to open them. I was hoping we could talk after they got to open them so they could tell me if they liked them.  Maybe he'll change his way of thinking again soon and we will be able to talk.

I am seeing a therapist. She's a family and marriage therapist. I actually made my first appointment with her before i left my bf. We were planning on going to see her together but we didnt get to so i went on my own. She said she worked a battered womens center before and suggested i go to a dv support group. I have not found one yet but i do plan on going to one. She Is very good at listening and asking me questions that make me think. I would like more advice though and it would be nice if she had more experience with BPD.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Calilove, 

I'm glad you checked in.  There was nothing wrong with you checking your email and sending him a couple nice messages.  Sorry it got all twisted.  That was really nice of you to send prezzies.  I see love flowing out of you all over the place.  Sometimes with pwBPD, it's not nicely received.  I don't know, I think my ex was more comfortable if he had something to be upset about.  Which made me uncomfortable.  Talk about cross purposes.

My T is good with trauma work and having her to talk with, to bounce things around with, such a huge help in recovery and healing.  Do your holiday plans include being with family and friends?  I know it's so hard to do, if you can set this all aside for now.  It sounds like things are getting worked out and resolved with your partner, it sounds like the direction is a lot on your choice.  Taking a breather can help you decipher a way forward.

[Sabine]

  calilove,

Good to hear from you! I'm glad you're seeing therapist to help you a little with the depression. Hopefully you'll visit the DV counselor soon and get some clarity on that too. I know it's hard for you right now, especially with the Holidays here. But you have family and friends to keep you busy and that can be very soothing. This time last year I was still together with my ex so this xmas I plan on keeping myself very busy and surrounded by my family and lots of friends to keep me from thinking of those 'good times' and missing him!

So what are you going to do if he contacts you? Do you still want to work things out with him? Do you think they can given the recent past? Rose Tiger is right in that it sounds like you have the upper hand in what direction you want this to go in... .I hope you keep us posted... .      

[calilove]

Hello. The holidays were hard. He was being sweet for a few days after. We text eachother on new years. He told me how he would never give up and would get help but didnt want to if i was keeping things from him. He goes back and forth a lot but each time it feels like we're farther from him getting help n us being back together one day. Last night he told me the sweetest thinggs that sounded like poetry. This morning he told me he's so hurt about us being apart that he started thinking of suicide. I told him that if he is then he really talk to a prof. He then told me that he's still talking to the girl he cheated on me with n that he's gonna move on with her and that she is going to move out there for him... .  im just like wow... .  and he thinks i wasnt loyak or faithful? Its like a stab in my heart.

[Rose Tiger]

   I don't know how many times that ex and I would have a close time and immediately afterward he went into a cold mode.  It made the close times not enjoyable because I knew what was coming.  :'(  Are you doing ok?  What are you doing to self soothe yourself through all these difficulties and mixed messages?

[Sabine]

  calilove,

Wow that would be like a stab in the back! It's sounds like an awful lot of manipulation and tugging on you... .  What are you going to do now?