She sent me a text?

[spaceace]

I woke up this morning and there was a text from my wife. She writes...

I do not have the means to cover the all of February's rent. Please let me know if you are willing to pay $600.00 toward rent and if so when you will deposit in the joint account.

Seriously?

I am totally wiped out after this text.

She has thousands of dollars in beautiful diamonds I bought for her! Sell them!

Really, my house is in foreclosure because I bought out her lease on her apartment to get back with her, and then thousands more for a new rental house, and she kicked me out twice, and now she comes to me with this text? My house is in foreclosure because I got back with her and she has the gall to text this? I have no resources myself and 3 kids who I am going to have to move out of our house in a matter of time and who is going to help me when that happens? All to be with her!

I am totally floored!

[Newton]

Wow... .  that is really some sense of entitlement she has going on!  

Things sound really rough for you right now!... .  

If she has that sort of capital invested in sparkly baubles then selling them seems like the practical way forward... .  

How are you planning to respond?... .  

[spaceace]

Oh, I responded... believe me...

I straight out told her exactly what she said to me days after kicking me out 2 months ago.

I am not your resource to help you any more. I am not here for you. You have created your own resources and I hope you choose to use them. That is your choice.

I then told her to sell whatever I bought her. And that her text is very hurtful, because if I was not healed as much as I am, it would be very confusing because it would be easy to believe that she has some sort of love left for me.

It is so unbelievably entitled to write those words to me. There isn't even a small amount of humility for what she has done to me. I am so glad I am at a place to not bite. Plus, giving her money would be the LAST thing I would do after 2 months of NC by her other than telling me to go *f* myself, I am calling the cops if you keep texting me, I am going to file a restraining order if you don't stop harassing me with all these emails and texts.

Keep in mind, I have been twisting in the wind for 2 months with no explanation as to why she has kicked me out yet again 2 months ago!

We were in the process of buying a house, waiting on the financial terms from the lender, and she kicked me out knowing full well I am in foreclosure!

What the&%#$!

Totally crazy making!

I feel sorry for her! She is a confused 43 year old woman listening to her diagnosed Bi-Polar best friend and her life coach, who tells her to reach out to the light, and now comes back to me like this! Go to them! She's listened to them this far, see what wonderful tools they have to give you now!

Man I am ripping mad and confused and hurt by this nonsense. I wish she DID not text me.

[spaceace]

Man o man, I am totally off my game this morning. I cannot get over this!

Does anyone else see this text the way I do?

I am really struggling and cannot fathom her thought process. Why contact me?

Entitled is so her. I never saw that about her before, or maybe I did, and I looked the other way because it was not projected my way until now.

Of course, she has not responded. I sit here and wonder, was this her way of reaching out to see if I still cared enough about her to help? All these thoughts are going through my head! Like, what will happen to her kids? She said she was moving out at the end of February, how is she going to do that? Was I too harsh with my response? Man it's all jacked up. I wish more than anything, she never texted me. I know her, it would take a huge leap to contact me when she is in trouble. I actually have ran so many times to her side to help her.

Was this just a ruse? Was she just wanting to see if I would jump and drink the kool-aid again? I am telling you, I am so out of whack because of this...

[Newton]

spaceace... .  deep breaths!... .  in, out... .  repeat as necessary  

Trying to work out her motives will send you loopy... .  

Perhaps you are reading too much into this?... .  you have helped her get out of financial difficulties before... .  so maybe she is just chancing another round?... .  

There is a very fine line between helping someone, and enabling them... .  

Putting her needs aside for a minute... .  what are your feelings telling you about what to do now?

[hithere]

Wow, you sound upset, maybe go to your therapist to talk it out?

And that her text is very hurtful, because if I was not healed as much as I am, it would be very confusing because it would be easy to believe that she has some sort of love left for me.

Writing that leads me to believe you might get back together with her if she said she loved you, that is dangerous!

[spaceace]

My feelings? I don't know, I am still struggling with the gall of her asking me this as if I owe her something?

If you are asking me, if I feel like I should help her out, the answer is a resounding no. She has ignored and rebuffed every attempt this last 2 months, to get any kind of closure, or even a remote understanding as to why she has done this to me yet again!

I don't know what I feel to be honest, other than, really? You write that to me?

I had spun out of control the first month trying to get ANY kind of response as to WHY? Why do this again!

These last few weeks, I have made peace with myself and I am trying to forge ahead and heal. I am waiting on May to come, that's when I can file for divorce.

I have actually tried a different tact this last month, and have periodically sent her a text asking if we could talk and never a response. I actually sent her a text this weekend, simply asking, would you like to have lunch with me, I will pay. No response.

And then this... .  

I don't know what I feel, but I know, I will not be giving her any monies whatsoever.

[hithere]

Do you have children with her?  I wonder why you want to keep the lines of communication open?  If you keep offering her help her she will come to you and use you when she needs something.

[OTH]

spaceace,

She contacted you because she needs money. If she has ignored requests to talk it is because she doesn't want to talk to you. She wants to talk to you now because she needs money. I wouldn't take it as anything more than that. She doesn't have resources of her own other than her stuff to sell? No job?

I sympathize with your story. I know how confusing this all must be. Best to try to weather the storm and focus on your current needs and what you can control. For sure give her no more money you have your kids to take care of now.

[Newton]

If I had that sort of text I'd feel very angry and frustrated!... .  

I wouldn't want to be treated that way at all... .  

So you offered her a free lunch (a kind gesture and an opportunity to talk)... .  she ignored that... .  then upped the game and thought "well if he'll pay for lunch... .  he might pay the rent?"... .  (speculation on my part)

That's how it seems to me... .  that's how a needy person would behave... .  what do you think?

[spaceace]

hithere, thanks for what you wrote, but I am not going to get back with her if she said I love you. Yes, I am mad. No denying that. I am coping with this anger and I am trying to focus on how unhelpful it is to be here. I am writing on this board today to get feedback and process.

Just to further explain myself. I have custody of my 3 kids. And since my house is in foreclosure, my ex wife's smarmy lawyer who wrote up a restraining order for me not to move out of my house, has tied my hands with my custody.

I have had a very long and thoughtful conversation with my daughter, and I have promised her, I will not get back with my wife and move, because it would mean I lose primary custody. I am NOT going to go back on my word to my daughter.

My wife left me the first time in February 2011, walked out on me and my three kids and took her kids with her without any notice while they were at visitation with their dad.

We have been struggling with this marriage ever since. My wife has since kicked me and my children out three times, and I let my house go into foreclosure to be with this woman. There is nothing about her I find trustworthy any longer.

Yes, I have anger. Yes, I am trying to process. Yes, I do not want to stay here in this place feeling so bitter. BUT NO, I will not go back with her.

I do appreciate your words and concern... .  thank you... .  

[spaceace]

We do NOT have any children together. We have no financial obligations tied to each other any more. We don't own real estate together.

Maybe that is all she wants is money.

And maybe my answer of no is all that is needed.

Thank you all for responding with your feedback and thoughts, it's very much appreciated.

[OTH]

And maybe my answer of no is all that is needed.

[hithere]

We do NOT have any children together. We have no financial obligations tied to each other any more. We don't own real estate together.

Get therapy for yourself and go NO CONTACT, stop trying to re-engage her.  You won't be able to help her, she will just find a way to use you.  Focus on your kids, reconnect with family and friends and stay busy!

good luck

[Lady31]

You are still open to contact with her in her mind because you have still been trying to contact her.

I agree with others' comments: If she wanted to work on the relationship and realized yet again that she really does love you, she would have taken you up on your RECENT offer for lunch.

IMO - she needs money and thinks you may be a source to get it.  That's it.  

It ticks you off and offends & hurts because you are a decent man who gave and gave to this woman.  She treated you like crap, has NO regard for you or what she has done, nor does she want to have to even be bothered with an explaination.  Frankly, even if she DID give you an explaination I would be willing to bet the cost of those diamonds that it would be ALL your fault.

I know it hurts.  One reason this may be getting to you so badly is because of the message behind it.  It says: She places no value on you or all you have done.  You are only there for what need you can meet for her - and no matter how bad she has treated you and completely ignored you, she is still deserving of this because you have so little value in her eyes.  It "devalues" you.  

Just remember - she doesn't determine your value!  Your character is to be respected and admired.  Just because she is self absorbed and shallow does not mean you are not respected and admired.  It means that she is incapable of meeting your needs.  SHE is incapable - you are not!

Do not let this undeserving woman take advantage of the good man that you are!  Give it to a woman who is worthy of your companionship and presence.

[spaceace]

Yes, she has a job and she also owns a company with her family where she gets a substantial amount of money each month to supplement her income. She is making nearly as much money as I am. Together, we never had a financial concern in the world. We were very comfortable. Now she is feeling the hurt of her choice to kick me out of the house we rented with little information why. Her big explanation was, I was trying to take her light? I was being too defensive and she could not imagine living this way the rest of her life.

What was I defensive about? Let me explain what she told me.

We went to therapy and she talked to her therapist about how she "felt" she was unable to do self help things for herself. My response to her and the therapist was, my wife has said this many times to me in the past. We have talked in therapy with other therapists about this before. I have always said I want her to do anything she needs to take care of herself. I am never angry when she wants to do whatever she wants to do. I encourage her and support her fully and want more than anything for her to take care of herself.

Ok, that was pretty close to verbose. I cannot see how anything I said in that therapy meeting was or is me being defensive. I don't know what more I could have offered in response to the therapist and her.

I cannot read her mind when she needs to do something and I cannot take being yelled at when she "feels" like she has not been taking care of herself then blaming me as if I stopped her in some way. I never did and I never would.

I think her definition of being defensive is somewhat skewed and I cannot help that.

[spaceace]

Lady31

I agree with others' comments: If she wanted to work on the relationship and realized yet again that she really does love you, she would have taken you up on your RECENT offer for lunch.

IMO - she needs money and thinks you may be a source to get it.  That's it. 

*********

You are so right, I have tried to keep the relationship alive by contacting her. Yes, I am actually sending her the message I am here. I didn't really think about that. In essence, I brought this upon myself and I am acting like I don't know why or how she could possibly do this to me! I am playing the victim. I see it now.

Thank you... it took me a bit to see my part in this... but I do see it now...

[spaceace]

On Sunday, I spent a fair amount of time contemplating if I muffed up by not paying the rent went she kicked me out of the house and told me not to come back.

I battled back and forth yesterday, and almost posted on this site to see what other people would say.

But I didn't. And this is why.

If we genuinely had marital problems where we both made some sort of commitment to working on our marriage, would enter into a therapy plan together and KNEW we were working on our marriage with the outcome of us moving back in together, I think that would have been a totally different story.

Kicking me out and going NC at me, refusing to shed any light why we are here and responding to my texts with go *f* yourself, I will call the police on you if you text, email or call me and I will file a restraining order against you, left me believing, I am NOT wrong for NOT paying the rent on the house she is living in.

What she is experiencing is her own lack of planning, her own natural recourse for her actions, and I am not responsible for her actions. I would be enabling her if I picked up the tab at this point and I would only be throwing money down the drain, with no return on my investment. Sorry if that sounds cold, but analytically speaking, who would really do such a thing?

[OTH]

It doesn't sound cold at all. It sounds like a smart decision.

On Sunday, I spent a fair amount of time contemplating if I muffed up by not paying the rent went she kicked me out of the house and told me not to come back.

I battled back and forth yesterday, and almost posted on this site to see what other people would say.

But I didn't. And this is why.

If we genuinely had marital problems where we both made some sort of commitment to working on our marriage, would enter into a therapy plan together and KNEW we were working on our marriage with the outcome of us moving back in together, I think that would have been a totally different story.

Kicking me out and going NC at me, refusing to shed any light why we are here and responding to my texts with go *f* yourself, I will call the police on you if you text, email or call me and I will file a restraining order against you, left me believing, I am NOT wrong for NOT paying the rent on the house she is living in.

What she is experiencing is her own lack of planning, her own natural recourse for her actions, and I am not responsible for her actions. I would be enabling her if I picked up the tab at this point and I would only be throwing money down the drain, with no return on my investment. Sorry if that sounds cold, but analytically speaking, who would really do such a thing?

[spaceace]

Thanks OTH, validation helps tremendously during these times of uncertainty... It seems seconding guessing myself has become second nature for too long.

[blurry]

Cant remember the first breakup, but the second one, i had given her $730 for rent a few days before getting a text saying she never loved me and loves her ex and never wanted to see me again. I had spent 9 days there that month. Followed by her sleeping with the ex twice in the next 3 weeks.

Ofc i get the call telling me she made a horrible mistake, how could anyone do this to the love of her life, she'll never leave me again, she knows nobody will ever love her like i do ect. Odd that this time, we had just had one of our best weeks ever and i had just given her $300 towards rent and spent another $200 on her and her kids for the holidays, right before she decides to make a shocking statement which attacked my integrity. Boom, im out again simply for asking why, if she truely cared about me, would she say something like that.

Up to this point i had never said one nasty or hurtful thing to her the first 6 or 7 months we were together, but after a short period of NC, i drunk texted, being the dummy i am. Started with me trying to reason with her nicely and  getting the typical "go f yourself" response, i got nasty at this point finally, i said things i really feel horrible about and one of her final texts was something to the effect "im not a slut, sluts dont charge, honey". What 39 year old woman even has that in their vocabulary? I hadnt heard that since gradeschool i think.

Anyway, based on my experience, it seems like they take what they can get before ending it.

[Lady31]

whoa... I don't think I would have made that comment.  She's right, s**** don't charge, prostitutes do!  ?

Yeah, honestly spaceace I wonder how many of these people with BPD are actually just really self absorbed users. 

We think that it is bc we "trigger their abandonment fears" and they have to pull away from us bc they can't handle their feelings for us - really it could just as easily be that they are users!  There are a lot of women like this!  I guess there are men that do this too, but seems to be more common for women to use men for security & money and men to use women for sex.  Whatever the reason behind her actions - you are not being treated well, so same end result.

Be interesting in future how she would respond if you asked her to help you out financially.  LOL.  I don't think you should really do this, obviously stay NC... .  but food for thought.

I wonder what really happened between her and the ex as to why she came back.  Maybe he was done with her.  She's drawn to you for what you offer her, not how she feels about you.

[spaceace]

I recall, one weekend when there was a custody exchange at the local Whole Foods, her "ex" and her got into a big verbal fight and the kids were in the middle of it. It was ugly and I was frozen, not knowing what to do. Her ex was so out of control. I sort of felt bad for the guy. Then at one point, he turns to me and says, ":)on't you worry, wait until she turns on you, then see what happens". I had no idea what that meant. But, I tell you, those words kick around in my head almost daily. And I start to wonder, what and how did things all end with that guy? I heard so many horrific stories about him and the way he treated her. His cheating on her. His addictions. I have to wonder, were the stories all true? Did this guy cheat on her? Or was that the story to make him out to be the bad one? Who knows... but I wish he never said that to me. I wonder, in all seriousness, nearly daily, is what she is doing right now to me, what she did to him and this is what he meant?

Who knows... too much though...