Beneficial to find member of opposite sex to discuss with?

[stoic83]

Hey Im looking for a female pen-pal , phone-pal ages 25-35 to discuss the effects of this relationship. After being in an on and off relationship with a female nBPD I would like to talk to a woman who is more like me as part of the healing experience. I am tired of burdening my friends with this stuff, have recently got a counselor... .  but like many of you Im sure have very few healthy relationships with the opposite sex remaining due to the jealousy and subtle manipulations towards isolation. I am ready to stay no contact and that includes if she shows up at my door,etc... .  etc. I feel like a healthy friendship with a member of the opposite sex who has been through this could be a good experience for anybody who has been through this.

Since this thread is public I'd like to point out that maybe this could be a good option for others as well. Since my T pointed out I have very few healthy women in my life, I feel like we are in the best position to give each other constructive criticism, validation, and encourage each other to seek healthier people in our lives. Not to suggest we are healthy right now, quite the contrary... .  I am sure that to a healthy woman I would have some red flags right now. I just want to get rid of these BPD "fleas" as soon as possible and to meet a fellow survivor of these relationships of the opposite sex would be inspirational to me... .  

Well if anyone is interested let me know. I dont want to be alone and isolated anymore and to hear of some of the stories of people realizing they are just better off alone really frightens me... .  

Im not afraid to be alone. But i dont want to be... .  I need a fresh perspective. Any insights on this?

Best,

Stoic83

[waitaminute]

You are probably a magnet for "friends" that completely understand you, mirror the way you feel, offer you the opportunity to be the person you think you are, and present some wonderful dream come true.


Sound familiar?

[stoic83]

I dont think Ive ever had a friend that really tried to understand me. Most of my friends are outwardly a lot more selfish than I am... .  and while I am highly sensitive, most of my friends are not very outwardly sensitive. I cant really say that my nBPD ex was ever empathetic... .  just sympathetic, like Im a baby or something. This is demeaning to be infantilized in such a fashion. I think there could be some value in meeting a woman on a parallel path... .  it seems that whether male or female, we may have had poor self-esteem to begin with... .  and we may have villainized our own sex in order to play the hero... .  I know for me I was thinking; "Im not going to be like every other ass". I think in this situation it might be a lot easier for me to empathize with a woman, rather than a man... .  I mean right now I am feeling terrible for being a man. Most of my friends just make things worse... .  I dont think most other men are capable of empathizing with me. I probably wouldn't be either if I was removed from the situation. I would just give myself some logical advice... .  This is clearly biased... .  but either my friends are super N and really good with seducing women, or they cant connect with a woman let alone a man emotionally... .  in this day and age a good man or woman is hard to find. I think there is a lot of honor in having been supportive of somebody with this disorder, however we do have to ask ourselves hard questions. I know that if a woman had been through what I had just been through I would be more empathetic to her than another man... .  because if I was more empathetic to men and myself I would've left this relationship before the 6th cycle... .  

But to your point... .  I am lonely but have a lot of work to do on myself. How did I let it get to this point? I have alienated everybody in my life... .  I used to be socially confident despite any quirks... .  now I am so self-analytical that I can't even breathe.

I am a magnet for friends that like to watch me humiliate myself trying to gain their approval. Its sadistic.

Is this the real me? Or was it the me that everybody liked and encouraged? I want to piece together my authentic self... .  i was codependent before for things that really mattered like work or teaching. I just feel drained. I have no desire to do anything creative... .  I do not have the strength to attract like minded individuals.

On top of this my hfBPD mother has "divorced" herself from me as well. I need to do the solid core work but what i wouldn't give to have a non-judgemental friend that I do not have to pay for empathy/sympathy.

[GreenMango]

 stoic83 maybe a good place to start talking and bouncing feedback off of is in your threads.  We have a variety of members both male and female that have experience in this area.

It gives you a wide array of feedback and let's everyone get to know eachother better in a safe open environment.

That said this could be your first penpal thread.  Welcome aboard.

[waitaminute]

I've gone to therapy after my BPD experience. The psychologist is a woman. I have found it helpful.

[FoolishOne]

I think any T would offer assistance in this situation... .  find one specifically trained in dealing with BPD and non's.  I did and I am so glad.  They get it.  The other T's just wanted to talk about mindfulness (which is a good one), or focusing on other non-specific issues... .  but didn't know what I was dealing with.

Also, Stoic... .  read the posts here... .  become familiar with some of the threads here and refer to them when you need to.  Also, there are a lot of people on here... .  specifically the senior members, that can help... .  You'll find very few people outside of our little BPD world can relate.  A wealth of information and conforting can come from immersing yourself in this site... .  it's the cheapest therapy you'll find.

F1

[stoic83]

I completely agree... .  I am having a tough time. I work from home as an entrepreneur, which has it's own ups and downs... .  

I was watching a video on how an ordinary person can help somebody like me just as much as a therapist, and I could do the same for them.

The therapeutic relationship just seems dirty to me. I have to pay someone to be my friend and listen to me at this point?  Its like relationship prostitution... .  

Crap. I've lost most of my friendships. My family was a bigger mirage than my nBPD ex and my friends were there for me the first few times... .  but they must have given up on me.

I empathize with them. What a pain in the ass I've been. How humiliating. This is so hard to explain to other people... .  they keep talking about it like it's a normal breakup, it's maddening.

[GreenMango]

The therapeutic relationship just seems dirty to me. I have to pay someone to be my friend and listen to me at this point?  Its like relationship prostitution... .  

You aren't paying them to be your friend.  You are paying them to guide you with their experience, education, and impartiality in a safe and supportive environment.

Friends are awesome though... .  having both is even better.

[stoic83]

I have found a ton of information on this site. I have read all the SWOE books and did dbt workbooks with her... .  I am a friggin expert. But my math and philosophy degrees arent going to help me here. Nor is the fact that I got a 5 in ap psychology when I was 12. This is just a problem that I can not solve and it nearly drove me to insanity a few times.

The combination of working on highly complicated software in an isolated environment and trying to navigate this highly complicated relationship has actually led me to be looking up BPD for hours and hours. Trying to gain an understanding... .  trying to be a better partner... .  trying to fix myself.

Combine this with working from home as an entrepreneur for 3 years... .  you can imagine how crappy I feel... .  I almost feel like im being punished for working from home, for taking a risk. I should've just sat in my cube and did my job like a little boy. How could I not open the door when I was lonely and exhausted from the seriousness of my working, bereft of proper personal financing to enjoy life in Orange County, one of the most toxic and superficial counties in all the land.

I have just started therapy with a new therapist. She is a young woman... .  i will gauge the situation. I can't afford a T that specializes in BPD or nons right now. I am just seeing a T at the local community center. Its all I can do right now.

I will continue look through the site... .  but seeming as i work from home and on the computer its encouraging me to grow more reclusive... .  the weekends are especially tough. It feels so foreign to me. I went and had a starbucks and called a bunch of old friends to reconnect... .  not much activity there.

I feel so drained. Ive been listening to eckhart tolle and that's been good... .  I will continue reading around and commenting but they should give us classes on this like "sex-ed" in 5th grade... .  ill take a cocktail of stds before another borderline. Anybody still want to be my friend? Lol.

[turtle]

I feel so drained. Ive been listening to eckhart tolle and that's been good... .  I will continue reading around and commenting but they should give us classes on this like "sex-ed" in 5th grade... .  ill take a cocktail of stds before another borderline. Anybody still want to be my friend? Lol.

!

Hey stoic83 --- you're in the right place.

Don't limit your pen pals to women 25-35.  There's a WEALTH of support and knowledge on these boards from men of all ages and women under 25 and over 35!

This entire place is full of pen pals for you!

I like your sense of humor!

turtle

[GreenMango]

I second what Turtle is saying.  What about us 65 year olds?

Hey you wouldn't be the first person here to have systematically isolated or been isolated in a relationship like this.  It's kind of the nature of how the dynamic can go.  It can be a hard climb out of.  

It sounds like you are pretty aware of what you are doing that may not be helping yourself out in this isolation.  It also sounds like you may be a little depressed, you wouldn't be the first in this either  .  

Seeing a doctor about the physical and emotional struggles and talking about options could help too.  Have you had a chance to do this?


One day at a time Stoic83 both for getting better and building relationships.  Hang in there most of us have walked this path at one point.

Keep posting we are all here.

[stoic83]

TY Turtle:) I need some validating... .  

I am totally not in to discrimination of any kind... .  So I am sorry if I have offended anybody on that end.

My analytical mind leads me to try and narrow my focus... .  Ive learned about BPD, Ive explored my own issues with a therapist(focusing more on family), but then I ignored everybody (including myself) and jumped back in to a relationship with her.

Maybe Im worried about what will happen when and if she contacts me again. Maybe I feel like if I have a personal friend who has been through this I can ask them to help me out. I remember a long time ago that some guy told me to go get some "walnuts" instead of seeing her... .  Come on man. Walnuts?

The last T I had practically screamed at me when I told him about it. He couldn't believe that with everything he had learned about me that I had been involved in this sick of a relationship. I think it totally changed his opinion of me.

I didn't want to end it... .  I thought that like everything else in life, if "you work really hard you will get rewarded".

This is a fallacy.

The current therapist doesn't seem to be much in to talking about the labels and wants to talk about mindfulness and radical acceptance... .  Sometimes I feel the urge to explain things to her... but i dont want to taint her natural understanding, and then again i dont want to be too timid. I dont want the therapist to think im a narcissist by thinking she cant help me because i might be more educated about this than she is... .  her opinion of me is so important to me right now, and I dont like that feeling... .  

I saw some books on her shelf about BPD... .  

I hope she understands me and what I've gone through. I know that I am emotionally immature... .  much more mature than my BPDex but I guess in some davinci codesque sort of way I thought the solution to feeling better would be if i could talk to a woman whose situation was tantum out to mine. My perception of what constitutes a healthy woman is clearly flawed. I live in Orange County. Im not talking about high priced yoga studios and 7 dollar juices... .  

Im always looking for answers. Ive always got along much better with older people in general... .  but unfortunately that isnt the way nature works, so I better start gaining an understanding.

I guess when all is said and done I would love to know a woman my own age who has been through this, who has been through something like this because like I said... it is hard for my friends to empathize with me about this, because it just seems so "unmanly"... .  they cant relate.

And I want to talk to a woman who is more like me so I know what to look for next time... .  because if my nBPD ex was mirroring me than I guess I do love myself after all. So maybe a woman who is more like me would be a healthier choice. Im not looking for love on the BPD chat boards Im looking for a healthier role model. A healthy woman would think I was a creeper nutbag yadayada... .  not only do I understand and empathize with what I have been through, but also for the person with BPD... .  That is a killer combination in a friend.

I agree that this seems impossible for a therapist who hasn't worked with both BPDs and nons... .  it seems hard for a therapist to have empathy for an abusive personality... .  but if you are like me you have discovered a lot about life through this relationship...

I love all things which exist, but I have a little extra love for people who have been through something like this. This is a byproduct of the collective insanity... .  all the bull~ societal propaganda that we ingest on a daily basis... .  the drains gotta clog somewhere. I have a little extra love for the clogs (BPDs) in the drain of societal bull~. Poor sufferers. It really is heartbreaking, this illness.

I think us nons can be the valves that get things flowing again. While there were certainly subconscious selfish and needy elements at play, I think that one of the core themes in humanity that has made it good... .  is that the strong take care of the weak. Unless we believe in population control by just letting the weak ones die off... .  it is inevitable that there will be many more nons before us, and many after us.

These types of disorders didn't exist a long time ago... .  did they? Were they just not classified? This is the strangest thing that I have ever gone through or will ever go through. Nothing will ever compete. I will never be so profoundly affected by any relationship again in my life. Im still worried shes going to come find me years later... .  and the flashbacks and all that weird ptsd stuff has ingrained it in to my mind.

No person aside from myself will ever take as much thought... .  


Stoic83

[Wooddragon]

On the therapist issue - I have been talking a lot with mine about issues & events in my family of origin - we have these circular conversations where she tries to draw out how I feel about something but all I want to do is analyse what happened & why.

I don't know if it's a non trait or if it is a tendancy of particular professions to revert to this kind of comfort zone (analysis) but I find the "feeling" questions incredibly difficult to answer & find myself sometimes looking to her for guidance as to what the answers SHOULD be.

This is something that my BPD relationship has now forced me to confront.  If I can work through this then I will consider that relationship to have been a gift. I think many on here have had their self view stripped away. I know I have. These boards have been incredibly helpful to me although profound change is always likely to be painful I suppose and learning to feel emotions rather than analyse them when feelings have been discouraged & punished in the past is a hard road... .