How to detach ? Need help on this ...

[sam-2012]

Hello all,

It's been 3 months of NC. I feel better more calm but i see that i need more work on some aspects of detaching which i find difficult. Yesterday on FB someone send me a link for a famous person that suffers frmo anorexia. It really really triggered me. My BPDexgf had anorexia, i 've seen her switching from -10 to +10 kilos. I feel sorry for her and have strong sympathy for that. So the rest of the day i was obsessivelly thinking of her and got really emotional. I understood that last weeks i really miss her. Her good part was so nice, the good moments were awesome. We got really close. I did so much for her. I know though that she never took seriously her recovery (She sees a therapist) and I blame her as my self too cause i never really confronted her for this except some few times since i was afraid of the silent treatment. I know also that she has a mental illness that affects close relationships and that she cannot be with me in a healthy manner. I know also that i am not the healthiest person on the planet.

So yes, i am not detached yet. I still check on every bar or cafe that i go if she is there.

I still think of her everyday. Still get triggered by places and other things.

I put lots of effort though, i did not respond to her calls, blocked her from FB, mail, avoid places we used to hang around together and call my friends when i have the urge to call her, periodically post here my feelings and thoughts, do things for my self (cook, exercise, see friends).

What i want ot focus from now on is detachment. I somehow feel obliged/guilty cause she has so many problems (her mother's death, anorexia, alcoholism, BPD) and we broke up with physical violence during the period her mother was dying. That is the part that makes me mostly sad. Posibly this was the only way it could end this sick dynamic both us had though.

[spaceace]

You can only control things within your power to control. You can journal and write down all the pro's and con's of your relationship. You can also write down your feelings and why you feel them. Walk through your fear. Hold the fear, and be gentle with yourself. Try not to be hard on yourself with these difficult emotions you are experiencing.

You are a good person and you are worth it. You gave the best you could. It is time to focus on you. You need that. And that focus is sitting with the pain and fear, not running from it, not fighting it, but allowing it. That is the responsibility you have that you can control. Not the issues outside of you,. Right...

I know it is very hard. I am in the process of doing exactly what I have written to you. I am in the same place with so many emotions, and I have been here for 2 months and I don't want to keep feeling the despair and dread I wake up with each day.

I can change that. And how I have outlined above are the ways I have been going about doing it.

Keep reading the boards and writing on the boards. It has helped me.

Good luck.