LC possible - or better keep it NC?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone! This board has helped me massively the last few months - while trying to detach after my uBPDexGF broke up with me - kept the push and pull system on, while smearing me under my friends... .  

I've read a lot about BPD en tend to understand quite a bit about it as well.

We have been out of contact now for 4 weeks (not counting the now and then running in to each others). I tend to feel better.

Yesterday I went to the bar which she said she wouldn't go anymore (1month ago) , so I could go there... .  Well, guess what - off course she was there... .  

I was in another room when one of my friends told me.

For 3 seconds I felt anxious and then I thought - wth! I'm here as well, if she hates it, she could just leave as well.

So I walked to her and said hi. She said hi as well - told me immediatly I looked good... .  (I didn't really respond) We talked 5 minutes about jobs - school etc... .  

It was a bit forced, but I was glad it was possible to be both in the same room.

I really want to stay in LC. But I'm not sure what happens if i contact her - since she is still telling people I'm stalking her... .  

Should I sent her an email asking this - or a text message in two weeks?

I do not want to rekindle! I want to be able to have a friendly conversation, since we lived together (she will always be important to me) and since we hang out in the same areas... .  

This morning I missed a hidden call as well - so not sure it's her - though normally I never have hidden calls.

Should I just let her be for more - or after this encounter can we try to talk?

[coffees86]

Hi everyone! This board has helped me massively the last few months - while trying to detach after my uBPDexGF broke up with me - kept the push and pull system on, while smearing me under my friends... .  

I've read a lot about BPD en tend to understand quite a bit about it as well.

We have been out of contact now for 4 weeks (not counting the now and then running in to each others). I tend to feel better.

Yesterday I went to the bar which she said she wouldn't go anymore (1month ago) , so I could go there... .  Well, guess what - off course she was there... .  

I was in another room when one of my friends told me.

For 3 seconds I felt anxious and then I thought - wth! I'm here as well, if she hates it, she could just leave as well.

So I walked to her and said hi. She said hi as well - told me immediatly I looked good... .  (I didn't really respond) We talked 5 minutes about jobs - school etc... .  

It was a bit forced, but I was glad it was possible to be both in the same room.

I really want to stay in LC. But I'm not sure what happens if i contact her - since she is still telling people I'm stalking her... .  

Should I sent her an email asking this - or a text message in two weeks?

I do not want to rekindle! I want to be able to have a friendly conversation, since we lived together (she will always be important to me) and since we hang out in the same areas... .  

This morning I missed a hidden call as well - so not sure it's her - though normally I never have hidden calls.

Should I just let her be for more - or after this encounter can we try to talk?

[Clearmind]

I do not want to rekindle! I want to be able to have a friendly conversation, since we lived together (she will always be important to me) and since we hang out in the same areas... .  

coffee, I completely understand where you at! It seems feasible that two people who were once intimate, chatted about everything, shared a life etc should be able to maintain a friendship - right?

Couples who live together separate and split every day - some are able to work through their differences and come to a common ground where they can maintain a friendship - I would imagine this is where you feel you are at... correct me if I am wrong?

Friendship after a relationship failure would be ideal I agree!

What does friendship mean to you? If you were LC how would this look? Do you feel your values and boundaries would be respected? Do you feel like your ex SO would be there for YOU when times are tough? What is it you want from this friendship? Are you holding onto the hope of a romantic reunion?

[hithere]

I want to be able to have a friendly conversation, since we lived together (she will always be important to me) and since we hang out in the same areas... .  

This morning I missed a hidden call as well - so not sure it's her - though normally I never have hidden calls.

Everything in your post screams that you want to get back together with her... .  

I really want to stay in LC. But I'm not sure what happens if i contact her - since she is still telling people I'm stalking her... .  

In reality, if it is over and she is telling people you are stalking her (which is a crime in many states), why would you want anything to do with her?

[Changed4safety]

My interpretation is a bit different than Hithere's.  I think you handled it well, but I'd let it lie for now.  Don't reengage, but if you can handle it and it's not fueling hopes of a recycle, it sounds like you'll be OK if you don't go out of your way to avoid her.  I wouldn't send her a text message inquiring, for sure, though.  Just my 2 cents.  Even people who are amicable can use some time to "wind up" their strands of feelings before become friends. 

[Wooddragon]

I am attempting LC at the moment but it is difficult because he seems to live by the maxim "boundaries are meant to be overstepped". From my earlier posts you will see that I initiated a recycle on the basis of friends w benefits. But that didn't really work for me - there was some (relatively) low key push & pull - he would tell me he loved me etc etc but it clearly wasn't true - so I have told him that I am happy to be friends but not with the benefits. He agreed that this would be ok but said "you know I will keep trying [to initiate sex with me] because that is my nature". I told this to a friend & suggested that I thought this showed a degree of self awareness on his part. Her response was "yes & it's in your nature to want him to try". So long story short - ask yourself - is it in your nature to just want low contact & would you be ok if that's all your ex wanted too? I'm struggling all the time with my own & his boundaries. I don't want to go nc but honestly I'm not sure what is really keeping me in this dance.

I wish I had never responded when he first broke nc after 6 weeks of total silence... .  

[FoolishOne]

Take it from me... .  nothing good will come from contact with them... .  any contact at all.  Unless you have children with them... .  block them from every form of communication you have.  You'll add years to your life.

[Wooddragon]

I suppose that nc helps "maintain the rage" if that's what you need & also allows you to move on without them. Contact has been good for me in some ways. From reading - including a lot on these boards - I'm much more objective about his conversation & behaviour. I still enjoy his company now & then & am interested in whats going on in his life. I really hope that I can establish & maintain my (new and more detached) boundaries.  To have some limited contact now & then means that I may romanticise the relationship less & see it for what it really was (hopefully)... .  

[Changed4safety]

It depends on the individual, I think, whether LC or NC is best.  There was a "What is True, What is a Myth" thread floating around here that states quite bluntly that NC is NOT necessary the Holy Grail of how to deal with your ex.  I'd suspected that was true, and it was interesting to read.  I'll bump the thread if I can find it. 

[Changed4safety]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=151669.0

This is the thread I was talking about. Hope it helps!

[FoolishOne]

I'd say it's situational... .  Honestly... .  I see NO reason to have any contact at all with my "Looney" once she's officially out of my life.  That's how I got here in the first place... .  answering a private name / private number call.

[coffees86]

Thanks for all your replies.

First of all - hither - I understand that you might think of it like this - but that really is not the way I think of it. (btw english is not my first language - so sometimes I need more words to explain things)

Changed4safety - I will not initiate  - especially since I don't know how she feels at that particular moment.

So when she sends me a text - I think I'm able to stay detached and to send her something back.

When I saw her last week - I really wasn't as nauseas as I would have expected. I was already so glad with this.

Also thanks for the thread - I'll read it if possible.

Maybe indeed to keep contact is a lack of my emotional maturity to not be able to fully block her out of my life. But with all my former exes there is still some form of contact - I cannot imagine that with her this will be different, just because I "decided"  this... .  

[HarmKrakow]

I'm not sure staying in contact with a BPD is wise when a nasty breakup got there.

They add years to your life and detachment will be more tricky no?

[nowwhatz]

Hi everyone! This board has helped me massively the last few months - while trying to detach after my uBPDexGF broke up with me - kept the push and pull system on, while smearing me under my friends... .  

I've read a lot about BPD en tend to understand quite a bit about it as well.

We have been out of contact now for 4 weeks (not counting the now and then running in to each others). I tend to feel better.

Yesterday I went to the bar which she said she wouldn't go anymore (1month ago) , so I could go there... .  Well, guess what - off course she was there... .  

I was in another room when one of my friends told me.

For 3 seconds I felt anxious and then I thought - wth! I'm here as well, if she hates it, she could just leave as well.

So I walked to her and said hi. She said hi as well - told me immediatly I looked good... .  (I didn't really respond) We talked 5 minutes about jobs - school etc... .  

It was a bit forced, but I was glad it was possible to be both in the same room.

I really want to stay in LC. But I'm not sure what happens if i contact her - since she is still telling people I'm stalking her... .  

Should I sent her an email asking this - or a text message in two weeks?

I do not want to rekindle! I want to be able to have a friendly conversation, since we lived together (she will always be important to me) and since we hang out in the same areas... .  

This morning I missed a hidden call as well - so not sure it's her - though normally I never have hidden calls.

Should I just let her be for more - or after this encounter can we try to talk?

It really depends on how you feel and what you think will help you.

I am now in limited contact with my now once again udBPDex. She is not a text person... .  she will call and does not like texts. I told her I need some space from her and don't want to see her for or talk with her for a couple of weeks. But I still send her a text with some sort of positive message every now and then... .  usually get no reply... .  or simply a "thx"

The prior recycle I was so angry I did not talk or text her for over 90 days.  This time I was a little better prepared for the inevitable so I have handled it better.

During our recent break up "talk" I did tell her exactly how I felt when I had the opportunity. I thought that was important for her to hear while she was seemingly aware but I was not angry.

Unlike you I still have unhealthy thoughts of rekindling (hopefully that will go away)... .  but I think the the limited contact is helping me to work through this issue a little more positively.

I use call blocker tools and text blockers. I gave her a google voice number which I told her to use exclusively that I can control very tightly... .  if she calls my regular phone it will just hang up on her.