Doubting myself again

[turtle]

Turtle, how long did it take you to feel the way you do?  You sound so very strong, a bit like my old self.

oh... .  happiness68!  Mine has been a LONG journey.  However... .  the tortise wins the race, right?

I would say that I finally reached a place of peace about a year ago.  My journey out of Oz began November 3rd, 2001.  However... .  I didn't find this wonderful place until November, 2006. So I'd been floundering around for 5 years, dealing with something that I had no idea was so bizarre and twisted.  I have no idea how different things might have been if I'd found this place earlier! I'd been to counselors which proved fruitless - I wasted LOTS of money with counselors that had no idea what I was really dealing with. Crazyx is a violent man and I was being stalked. I had never experienced ANYTHING like HIM! I was at the end of my rope and I was living every day in complete FEAR.  AND... .  I was unknowingly playing a part in all of it because Ijust didn't know what to do - so I was doing things that encouraged him, not discouraged him!  Once I came here and got sound sound feedback on what was really happening, things started to change. It was slow.  I mean excrutiatingly slow.  EXCRUTIATINGLY slow.

Over the years that followed, I was able to "fix" the stalking problem and I started to move on with my life. I was always guarded (and a part of me always will be,) but I started to move on.   However, because crazyx's behaviors were soo flagrant, it was easy to just say it was all him and that I didn't have any part in our crazy dance.   :)elusion is so powerful, isn't it?  I mean... .  I wasn't totally clueless.  I'd have MOMENTS where I'd see my own silly behaviors, but when someone else is so over the top, it's easy to ignore your part.

Anyway... .  I was so proud of myself for finally extracting him from my world that I wasn't paying attention or even recognizing the other toxic people in my world. And I certainly wasn't paying attention to the fact that I was allowing these kinds of people to be in places of trust in my life. Crazyx was so "out there" that EVERYONE looked normal comparatively. I was COMPLETELY unaware (by choice) that there was still a wolf in sheep's clothing in my circle of trust.

In 2008, I experienced a horrific betrayal from that wolf -- my best friend. This was someone I trusted implicitly. Someone who helped me through all the drama with crazyx. It was awful. Long story short... .  an apology was offered... .  I accepted it (like a fool,) only be betrayed time and time again.  The truth of all of all of these betrayals finally came out in January, 2012.  That was it for me.  That "friend" was given the boot from my life -- forever.  It destroyed a successful business and left an undeniable path of destruction. Looking back... .  that wolf should never have had the power to wreak such havoc. And I am the one who gave that power to the wolf.

It's all a process.  The things I was learning about myself because of being involved with crazyx were still very valid... .  but then the betrayal of my best friend put a HUGE exclamation point on the whole thing. I had to stop and say "hey... .  wait a minute... .  I might have had a part in some of this nonsense that has been my life for the last eleven years!"  I'm not saying that crazyx isn't crazy. He is. I'm also not saying that my "friend" was not responsible for the betrayal.  What I'm saying is that I finally recognized that these people were in my world because something in ME was off.  Hindsight being 20/20 (don't you hate that?) I clearly recognized that crazyx should NEVER have been in my world in the first place.  All the red flags were there.  And... .  my trusted "friend" should never have been in my world either - MORE red flags ignored by ME.  This was a light bulb moment for sure and a real turning point.

I would say that the last year has been an exponential growth year for me.  That doesn't mean I have arrived.  I haven't.  But... .  I am in a place of peace.  I have examined myself inside and out over the last eleven years... .  but the last year has been the most productive.

I AM strong, but I was broken down to nothing, so I can now appreciate my strength and I do not take it for granted because I know that without self care, it can be taken away.

That's enough of this novella.  .

turtle

[FoolishOne]

Turtle... .  I apprecaiate your candor and honesty here... .  it's medicine to us all.  I never knew your whole story, so thank you for bringing us in.

We all have something broken in us or we wouldn't be here... .  and we all have work to do as well (right up until our last breath)... .  so you have my respect for making it through the emotional gauntlet that so many of us have yet to challenge.  You've reached escape velocity and I, for one, am envious of your accomplishments.

Please stay with us and keep an eye on things... .  there's work to be done here... .  If I can expunge this poison from my head, it'll be one of the happiest moments of my life... .  and I pledge to likewise give back as you have.

I'm so sorry for your journeys... .  they seem so painful and I know they are even moreso through your eyes... .  However, your pain and suffering will not only make you stronger and better, but will also allow you to be of benefit to others who have yet to even begin their journeys.

F1

[FoolishOne]

So far, so good, family.  Usually by this time I've already left skid marks going back to her.  However, inch by inch I feel like I may be taking my life back.  This is so much harder than I thought it would be.  Slowly, but surely the fantasy is leaving my head and reality is starting to sink in... .  The hot wife that wants to do me all night is being replaced with the mentally-ill, self-absorbed, dishonest, hypocrite that would leave me in an instant should the right conditions present themselves.

No longer can I rest on the words of a lying, cheating, stealing deranged woman... .  but I can rely on the only person that can get me out of this nightmare... .  myself.  I have to have faith in me... .  And in order to do that, I need to self-improve... .  that requires education, time, patience and an accurate appraisal of the emotional inventory that I am left with.  It's all puddy to be molded how I chose. 

In the past several years, I've chose to allow someone else to mold, shape and develop me.  Time to take control of my mind, my life and utimately my future.

Too often I've come to the precipice of the abyss and chose the "safer" route.  I haven't felt "safe" in this relationship since it started.  The incredible sex is no longer worth it.  So, time to approach that cliff and dive into the deep unknown.  I fear the fall.  It scares the living Hell out of me.  I fear having regrets of losing the hottest chick I've ever been with (sorry for the shallow words... .  I know they are shallow)... .  I fear the embarrasment of another failed relationship... .  I fear the terror of getting back into the dating world, but this time... .  adding the baggage of Herpes. I fear it all. 

However, after surveying it all, I still feel as if the consequences of staying far outweigh the fears of the unknown.  Leaving her provides unknown quantities and qualities, of which I am certain will surface some bad experiences.  But staying in this hellish, surreal disaster is a known quantity and quality.  I know now what to expect.  Holding out hope for the promise of a better day is truly foolish at this point.

Time to get my balls back, get angry, and start living like the man I need to be.  Time to reach the potential the God intended for me.  Placing my life in neutral to accommodate an emotional sponge, has done nothing but bring me to my knees.  God doesn't want His children to be in such a position of dispair and hopelessness.

I hope everyone on this board can truly benefit from each other's stories of grief, self-assesment, and ultimate recovery... .  and I hope to be a part of that.

F1

[turtle]

You're on a soul search... .  a soul retrieval.  Good for you!

It IS scary, but living in misery is way worse.

I hope everyone on this board can truly benefit from each other's stories of grief, self-assesment, and ultimate recovery... .  and I hope to be a part of that.

You're already a part of it!  You can be sure that someone else is reading this thread and relating to it. 

Keep posting -- you help yourself by doing it, but you help others too!

turtle

[FoolishOne]

You know, ironically my BPDw was the one that shared with me that there is no such thing as a selfless act.  Aside from the irony, I believe it to be true to a certain degree.  So yes, I agree that maybe my public lament will somehow touch others, maybe in the same way that I've been affected by those same cries from other members... .  However, this poor-man's therapy of journaling is actually an incredible way to document and sort out one's feelings at various times of the recovery stages.

I am so incredibly impressed with the wisdom, humility and compassion of the members here... .  it truly is diametrically opposed the the BPD mentality.  I have no doubt that lives are being saved.  Sorry if that's overly dramatic... .