It's Over... Wanted to Thank Everyone

[kl315]

This may be my last post for a while, though I may switch over to Leaving at some point. Won't rehash the entire story again, but I recently had my fourth major blow up with my dBPDbf. There were identifiable reasons (if not completely rational) for the first three, which were followed by silent treatment and then profuse apologies. I have cancer and it has been a huge trigger. This last time there didn't seem to be any reason for his anger but he still followed the fight with nearly a week of NC.

At this point I was really feeling that I would be more comfortable with just a friendship but I reached out to him one last time with an email explaining that I couldn't continue a relationship with someone who used regular, silent treatment against me. I told him I would always be there for him if he needed me, but continued silent treatment would result in my leaving the relationship. He responded immediately with a simple "Hi". I took that as his immature, manipulative way of saying he wanted to continue, but wasn't ready to talk.

I decided to give him a couple more days to set things right, but there was a nagging in the back of my mind that was telling me something was up. So I googled his screen name and found that the day after the argument, he'd set up a profile on OKCupid stating he was looking for everything from friendship, to a long term relationship,to casual sex. One of the things he listed as being "really good at" is "Cheering people up" (sure... .  unless you're going through chemo and need a kind word or some humor) AND "You should message him" if "You're looking for someone to treat you really well." That's rich. Truly. I guess in some alternate universe the definition of treating someone well is taking all the kindness, gifts, loyalty, love and understanding someone offers and responding with an immature, selfish, dishonest lack of support. Or maybe it's raging at someone when they're sick and exhausted from treatment and then not speaking to them for a week. Either way, I am soo done. That man will never lay a hand on me again. There are much better relationships to be had and I'm going to find one.

I sent him an email telling him what I'd seen, that I was no longer interested in dating and that our upcoming trip had been cancelled. I wished him well, told him I hoped he could find happiness and said that my friendship would always be there for him should he want it. Better than he deserved, but I do care about his well being and didn't want to demean someone who is mentally ill. Of course he didn't respond. No "I'm sorry it turned like this" or "I hope you make it through chemo." Nothing.

A word of warning to all... .  this man has been in intensive DBT therapy for a year and I used the "tools" like crazy. I fear for him because I've come to believe his situation is hopeless.

Anyway, I thank you all so much for the love and support I've received here. I'll check in from time to time and certainly if he ever pops back up... .  I tend to forget the things people do and forgive them. Best of luck and love to everyone here. Please remember how special you are and don't let the disorder of your SO ever convince you otherwise.

Hugs... .  KL

[heartandwhole]

KL,

Reading your post really touched me.  I'm so very sorry that you had to go through this discovery, right now, when you need support more than anything.  My heart truly goes out to you.  You are handling this with such dignity and self-respect, you are a great example to others.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I wish you peaceful, restful, and rejuvenating healing time.

Warm wishes to you now, and in the future.  We will always be here to support you.   

heartandwhole

[maria1]

Hi KL315

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've followed your posts recently and your ex reminds me so much of my ex boyfriend and of our relationship.

But I am not recovering from cancer. I don't know how you have found the strength to be how you have been with this and still manage to use the tools and support him. Great respect to you for that but I have to say I am glad that you are looking after you now.

Either way, I am soo done. That man will never lay a hand on me again. There are much better relationships to be had and I'm going to find one. Please keep hold of that.

I hope you can switch to leaving and/or PI. I think you might find support and help there. All the very, very best to you   x


hope you can

[happiness68]

Hello KL315 - I'm so very sorry for what you've been through.  Take care of you.  I wish you so much peace in your life going forward.  We are all here if you decide to remain and as heartandwhole put it we will always be here to support you.

 

[hithere]

I hope you stay away from him, you deserve so much more!

A word of warning to all... .  this man has been in intensive DBT therapy for a year and I used the "tools" like crazy. I fear for him because I've come to believe his situation is hopeless.

That is why I avoid the staying board on this forum, it is so depressing reading about people that try everything under-the-sun and still get treated like garbage, they give up their happiness for a person that is not only not capable of loving them back but can't even treat them with respect.

[kl315]

Thank you and I may need it when/if he comes back begging forgiveness again. I can forgive but I may need you all to help me not forget.

I'm thinking of the unsuspecting women who will see those beautiful blue eyes in his profile picture, read his lovely descriptions of himself and think they've died and gone to heaven. Heck, that worked on me 20 years ago and again, more recently. I hope for his next girlfriend's/victim's sake he continues to improve.

[Washisheart]

I'm so sorry girl. You deserve so much better than that. Noone deserves to give their all & then be pushed aside and treated like dirt when they most need their SO. stay strong.

[turtle]

Well... .  the truth has set you free.

I'm so sorry for the pain you've been through. 

You might want to stay close here for a bit -- sounds like you could use some authentic support right now.

turtle

[tuum est61]

kl315,

Whether or not you continue to post - here or on the "Leaving" board - you may find the Lessons: Leaving from that board very useful at this point.  

Our hearts are with you.  Good luck and take care of yourself.

[Cardinals in Flight]

OMG, O M G!

I am soo sorry KL, I can't even think of anything more to say.

Big big hugs lady,

 

[Seashells]

I am so sorry you're having to go through this and you had to find out what you did, the way you did.

Isn't it strange how that little voice that tells us something just isn't quite sitting right?  Even in the patterns of these behaviours?

Sending you hopes for strength and positive energy.

He may not be able / want to face up to any of the feelings and consequences right now for what he's done. But I guess those are the consequences of their own actions they have to learn from.

So, I'm guessing that may be why the reaction to drop you from other social sites.  As I hope you know, his behavior is about him not you.     Someone mentioned how much dignity you handled all this with and I found myself agreeing. 

I hope you are well.  Take care of you.  You deserve someone like yourself; and you deserve to have someone care about you just as much as he does. 

[4now]

I just wanted to tell you good luck and best wishes!  You deserve so much better and I am so proud of you for recognizing that and having the guts to move on.  You go girl!  I think you will find a new found peace that those of us still in the rs can only imagine.

I have found that when I am struggling with self blame or questioning things in the rs, it helps me to come back to this board and read the stories.  I am then suddenly reminded of all that I have endured and what other people in a rs with a BPD endure.  It also helps me to remember that it isn't just me, I am not alone, and that it is the disorder. It may help you to come back here some times, too.

Also, if you go to the homepage of this site, there are links at the bottom in red that give some good advice about breaking up with a person with BPD.  I read through them one time when I was fantasizing about ending it!  I thought there was lots of good information there. 

Anyway, I wish you the best and hope you have a speedy recovery-from everything!

[mssomebodynice]

You deserve so much more.  Be well.  Get strong and find that love you deserve. Hugs to you!

[kl315]

Thank you all again, so much. The support to be found on this board makes it easy to see why many of you are hanging in with these relationships and trying to help these disordered people... .  your capacity to care is huge.

I have really tried to understand what might have been in his head when he registered for the dating site (disordered or not, I know him pretty well). I THINK he signed up for it when he was in the middle of his episode. Even the descriptions he gave of himself support the irrational comments he was making the night we had our final argument and he was looking for attention he thought he wasn't getting from me. I also think he wanted me to see it, "realize" what he had to offer and beg him back. Then, when he responded (albeit briefly) to my email, he was starting to come out of it. I THINK, if I had let it go for a while instead of calling him on it he would have taken it down and we would have started another cycle of good behavior. But it doesn't matter. I can't have him looking for one night stands or new girlfriends every time we have an argument or he feels put upon. So I'm not kicking myself over what I could have done differently this time... .  I think it worked out like it was supposed to.

I'll be all right. The sting of this is in the loss of what I THOUGHT I had in the beginning and the hopes I had for the future. Most of what I thought I had in our romantic relationship wasn't real. In reality, he wasn't really that good to me and made me more unhappy than happy so it's not that great of a loss. I will miss the friendship. We never had these problems when we were simply friends... .  that was real. I hope that as his journey with therapy continues we can get back there some day. If that happens, I will not forget the lessons I learned while trying to be his girlfriend.

I'll be here for a while. I feel as if I've become invested in some of your stories. And also, I'm now terrified of anyone new I meet having some of these issues and my not recognizing it immediately.

Thanks again... .  KL

[happiness68]

  - yes, in his head it was a lack of attention.  I know, because I've seen it with my ex in the past, not dating sites, but other things.  It's very sad that they don't realise how loved they are.  Nobody can give them the love they need, unless they spend time with them 24/7.  Well done for being so strong.  I admire you.  Yes, please stick around.  I intend to stick around even if and when I meet someone new to love. I love chatting with everyone here and if and when one day I won't need help, advise and someone to talk to myself, perhaps will be able to help someone else 

Thank you all again, so much. The support to be found on this board makes it easy to see why many of you are hanging in with these relationships and trying to help these disordered people... .  your capacity to care is huge.

I have really tried to understand what might have been in his head when he registered for the dating site (disordered or not, I know him pretty well). I THINK he signed up for it when he was in the middle of his episode. Even the descriptions he gave of himself support the irrational comments he was making the night we had our final argument and he was looking for attention he thought he wasn't getting from me. I also think he wanted me to see it, "realize" what he had to offer and beg him back. Then, when he responded (albeit briefly) to my email, he was starting to come out of it. I THINK, if I had let it go for a while instead of calling him on it he would have taken it down and we would have started another cycle of good behavior. But it doesn't matter. I can't have him looking for one night stands or new girlfriends every time we have an argument or he feels put upon. So I'm not kicking myself over what I could have done differently this time... .  I think it worked out like it was supposed to.

I'll be all right. The sting of this is in the loss of what I THOUGHT I had in the beginning and the hopes I had for the future. Most of what I thought I had in our romantic relationship wasn't real. In reality, he wasn't really that good to me and made me more unhappy than happy so it's not that great of a loss. I will miss the friendship. We never had these problems when we were simply friends... .  that was real. I hope that as his journey with therapy continues we can get back there some day. If that happens, I will not forget the lessons I learned while trying to be his girlfriend.

I'll be here for a while. I feel as if I've become invested in some of your stories. And also, I'm now terrified of anyone new I meet having some of these issues and my not recognizing it immediately.

Thanks again... .  KL

[patientandclear]

A word of warning to all... .  this man has been in intensive DBT therapy for a year and I used the "tools" like crazy. I fear for him because I've come to believe his situation is hopeless.

Just wanted to echo these points.  KL, I haven't seen anyone more adept at using the tools than you.  To an amazing extent.  Also, your (ex)bf was more able (afterwards) to share what was really going on for him emotionally when he fell apart, than many.  AND, as you say, he was diagnosed, accepting it, and was in DBT for a non-trivial period of time, and really trying to use treatment to help when he was feeling panicky.

And yet, he was acting hurtfully to you pretty regularly and then this.

This helps me right now, for what it's worth, because the better my exbf & I do as friends, the more I inevitably start to wonder why we can't be more.  And your story reminds me that maybe it is right to value a delicately-balanced not-~ty friendship, and not to be in a hurry to trade it in for a relationship that would undoubtedly trigger problematic reactions in my ex because he cannot possibly have healed all those hurt places yet (and he is not in therapy, not diagnosed so far as I know ... .  ).

You could not have done more, or better.  And I have no doubt you are making the right decision at the right time.  Please do keep in touch!

[almost789]

KL, I'm sorry. I don't think you could have done anything different. This is just the nature of their disease. They get triggered and dysregulated and they move on to another new person. One who doesn't know about all their dirty deeds and sees them with fresh new eyes. It's not about him just looking for attention that you weren't giving him at all, so don't think that. It's just BPD. In fact if they have feelings for you this is what happens everytime. It doesn't matter how good you use the tools. Its just the disease. Please do use the detaching tools and lessons. Detaching is hard but not nearly as long lasting and miserable as the recycling.

[Surnia]

So sorry and a big big 

And in the same time I am so glad you come to a decision. Boundaries. Being clear about your needs, wants and values.

I agree with others, stay tuned on Leaving. It helps. 

I will send you positive thoughts and strengths for your health.